Stranger Than Fiction

[clanket]

Title: Stranger Than Fiction
Authors: roughian and clanket
Pairing: Callie/Arizona, Shane/Carmen (The L Word)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Arizona makes a discovery while tending to a young patient. When she gets home, she decides to investigate this new world for herself before finding a partner in crime in live-in girlfriend Calliope. One-shot.

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Warning: We all like a good laugh now and then. If you’re not someone that can laugh at yourself, you probably shouldn’t read this. It’s all in good fun, so please don’t take it -too- seriously ☺ We hope you’ll enjoy it, though. We certainly had a good laugh while writing it. ♂



A/N: The first Shane/Carmen fanfic referred to in this narrative is Butterscotch Sundae by roughian (AKA nefertirioc). All others were created specifically for this story; any similarities between them and any other work of fiction or nonfiction is unintentional and complete coincidence.

The coolest part of her job, or so Arizona Robbins thought, was the uniqueness of each and every one of her patients. This couldn’t be said for some of the younger kids, but once they crossed into that tumultuous tween stage things got a little interesting. Today, for instance, Marie Gutierrez was reading something on her mom’s laptop when Arizona came in her room for rounds. She had to feel for the fifteen year old, who suffered massive complications from a routine tonsillectomy. The girl had nearly bled out on the table, and needed atropine to restart her heart. While the drug worked, Marie’s body had a severe allergic reaction to it and almost died in recovery. Needless to say, an outpatient surgery had gleaned a five day, four night stay in the Peds wing.

“Whatcha reading, there?” Arizona asked cheerily after she knocked, met with a smile from the young brunette.

“Harry Potter fan fiction,” She replied, voice still a little strained. The girl looked bashful. “It’s kind of cool.”

“What is that? The fan fiction, I mean. I know all about the boy wizard.” Mostly because of Calliope’s closeted obsession, Arizona thought to herself as she waited for the girl to respond, slipping on a pair of latex gloves from the box mounted by the entrance to the room.

Marie giggled a little, “Well, you know how I really like reading?”

Arizona nodded emphatically, “Yes! You read through almost all of our books in the Peds’ library.” Not that The Poky Little Puppy made for a terribly challenging read.

“See, it’s people writing their own stories using the characters from the books and movies. Some are really crazy, but some are funny and cool.” She shrugged and closed the laptop.

“I’ve never heard of that,” Arizona admitted with a dimpled smile as she walked over to the girl’s bedside. “But, maybe I’ll check it out sometime. Now, say ‘ahh’ for me?” She asked the girl as she clicked on her pen light.

“You really should, it’s neat,” Marie rasped before opening her mouth to allow the doctor to examine her.

xxx

The rest of the day was almost boring, but not slow (she’d never say that cursed word aloud). Arizona spent the bulk of it in the attendings’ lounge, signing off on charts and snacking out of boredom. Once she’d gone through a bag of Skittles, a small container of French fries, and two diet cokes, she assumed it was time to leave for the day. Once her charts were in their designated drop box at the nurses’ station, she made her way to the change rooms to collect her things and make the journey to her home across the street.

Calliope wouldn’t be home for a few hours at best. She was scheduled for back-to-back surgeries the last time Arizona checked the board. This time of year was particularly bad for bones with people deciding to be extra moronic in the snow. At any rate, Arizona was happy to finally be in their cozy apartment, pulling out the stopper on a half-full bottle of white wine. Pouring herself a glass, she walked into their living room and set the glass and bottle on the table before flopping onto the overstuffed goodness of the couch.

There wasn’t really anything on television. The blonde was never home enough to keep up with the continuity of shows so she settled on a made for TV movie on Lifetime. This would have to do in the meantime. Arizona tried desperately to get into the storyline. What she gathered so far was that the really hunky male lead somehow betrayed the sort of hot female lead and now the two of them were arguing. It was making her really sleepy; Seattle Grace had better drama than this.

Her eyes drifted over to the closed laptop at the other end of the coffee table. Maybe she could e-mail her mother or something. Or shop. She so needed new sneakers. And Calliope wanted some new Under Armor thermals for her sunrise yoga.

Opening the screen, Arizona waited for the laptop to ‘wake up’ from hibernation. Clicking on the Firefox logo once it had, she started to type Amazon.com into the browser, but the Google search bar caught her eye. Her brain skipped back to this morning with Marie and the fan fiction thing. Maybe she’d give it a shot.

She typed ‘Harry Potter fan fiction’ into the search bar then pressed enter.

The first hit was an entry on a site called fanfiction.net. Clicking on it, Arizona came to a story described as “A true coming-of-age tale of young love, found and lost.” Cute, she thought and clicked the link to read the first chapter.

Having retained enough about the HP universe from Callie’s incessant ranting to follow along with the plot, Arizona was quickly hooked. She couldn’t get enough of the tension between Harry and Hermione; the way they would sneak glances at each other, pretending to be on their way to a study session just to catch the other for a few moments of nervous tension, the way they denied their obvious attraction.

By the time Arizona had read the first eight chapters she had finished the remaining wine in her hand and her light-weight status as a drinker was really starting to show. This was the part of the story, Arizona found, where the “lost” part of the synopsis had come to fruition.

Battling the alcohol-induced sheen of tears that clouded her vision, Arizona opted to forgo the dramatic part of the narrative in favour of the hopefully happy ending. She clicked on the drop down menu then chose the last chapter. As she did, she couldn’t help but think of her Calliope; how much they’d gone through and how hard they’d had to fight for their own happily ever after. Come to think of it, even her own life was more interesting than the junk on TV tonight.

Figuring that the sadness of the story made her feel sadder than normal with the addition of a little vino, Arizona poured herself another glass of wine to make sure that the upcoming happy feelings would drown out the longing she currently felt for her own real life Hermione.

She was wrong. As the description had promised, the love was found and lost - there was no re-finding of it, which just made her even more sad. Of course the several gulps of the cool chardonnay didn’t help much, either.

Deciding to try her luck with another story (damn, that tiny human was right, these were pretty cool), the weepy surgeon clicked the Search button at the top of the browser and typed in Harry Potter once again. This time, something a bit more odd turned up: “Harry, Ron, Hannah Montana and her best friend Lily navigate the rocky path of high school. But will it be too hard for the boy wizards to conceal their identities?”

Arizona tried her luck with that one, too, opening it in a new tab within the browser to keep her search intact. Of course she was only interested in that one for the sake of her patients; after all, she did need to be able to find common ground with them. But the discovery that there were fan-written stories for television shows definitely piqued her interest. She could think of a show or two that would be much more her style than a magical tween drama.

Opening another tab, she started a new search: The L Word. That was more like it. Arizona grinned at her own supposed deviousness.

One particular pairing caught her eye: Shane and Carmen. She liked the couple because they reminded her of herself and Callie; of how their opposing features complemented one another, how their contrasting skin tones appeared to make the other glow. She shook her head, wondering why her inebriated brain went straight for the cheesiness tonight.

The story was meant to be an in-depth look at Carmen’s thoughts after a steamy night in with her girl. Arizona couldn’t help the lecherous smile that made its way across her face at the memory of the famous lesbian couple caught in a heated lip lock. Dejection wasn’t the only emotion heightened by alcohol, it seemed.

The suddenly girl-crazy blonde quickly clicked on the story link as she took another few gulps of wine. This was turning out to be a more interesting night alone than she ever would’ve guessed.

“My hands drift over the smooth, pale skin of her back. It stretches over her ribs and vertebrate like a piece of plastic wrap, leaving barely anything to the imagination.”

Is this what Calliope thinks when she watches me sleep? Arizona wondered. She self-consciously ran her free hand over her abdomen and up her ribs to check just how much they protruded. Finding that she could only slightly feel the ripples of bone and that they were covered with a comfortable amount of squishiness, the blonde went back to the story after another swig of her drink. Besides, Callie would probably just find a few extra bones extra sexy, she reasoned.

Continuing on with the story, Arizona came to find that Carmen admired Shane the way she admired Callie. She wanted to know all about her, her childhood, her fears, her scars. If this was in any way the fashion in which her Calliope admired her when she was unaware then she was more than lucky.

Great, here come the tears again. Arizona admonished her own silliness, reminding herself that Callie is hers and she’ll be home soon anyway. And if she planned on getting at all lucky tonight, which the alcohol seemed to be demanding, then she better get her emotions in check.

“We bent and swayed and melted like molten lava last night; liquid fire burning without stopping. She said things I don't even think she was aware of and I could barely respond. But after each time we rode out waves of bliss she held me close, nurturing me, keeping me near, and reaffirming that she loved me. She said it more than I've ever heard it, and I knew she was making up for the times she wanted to say it, when those pesky little voices in her head and heart, were holding her back.”

Aw, how cute! Arizona thought with a smile. Feeling good again, she poured herself another drink - but just half of a glass this time. That wasn’t gluttonous.

Finally nearing the end of the much more suitable tale, Arizona heard a noise on the other side of the front door then the tell-tale sound of a key entering the lock and turning. She spun around, hoping to get a glimpse of her gorgeous girlfriend. Aside from being a little randy she really just missed the sight of her long thick hair, those luscious lips and eyes that she could get lost in for days. She was in love.

She haphazardly discarded the laptop and wine glass onto the coffee table before turning her body to kneel facing the door.

“Calliope!” she gushed, eyes glazed over and showing unabashed excitement at the prospect of having the brunette pressed against her.

Callie looked up sharply at the squeal, her jacket half pulled off her shoulders, one shoe still attached to her foot. Her surprise quickly faded at the sight of her girlfriend’s exuberance which brought about a large grin. Keeping her eyes trained on her girlfriend, Callie toed off her other shoe quickly before making her way over to Arizona, shrugging off her jacket en route and draping it over a bar stool as she passed.

Once at the couch, Callie stopped in front of her beaming girlfriend. Those dimples really were entirely too cute especially when they were coupled with big blue eyes, pupils slightly more dilated than usual and a little glossier, too. The brunette placed two large yet gentle hands on either soft white cheek, running her thumbs in mirrored motions along flushed cheekbones. After a moment of admiring Arizona, Callie bent down to capture the pink lips that so eagerly awaited her. Though it was meant to be a sweet kiss, Arizona had other plans in mind. She wrapped her arms around Callie’s neck the first chance she got and used the brunette’s awkward angle to her advantage by leaning backward toward the cushions.

Caught off-guard and off-balance, Callie had no choice but to be pulled over the backrest of the leather couch and into the wanting arms of the handsy blonde. Settling atop her lover, Callie giggled at the greeting she received. She pulled back slightly, shifting her weight to make sure that she wouldn’t squish the lithe body beneath her, and licked her lips.

Callie furrowed her brow slightly in amusement. “I see you’ve started the party by yourself,” she teased.

Arizona merely grinned up at her before planting a few wet, obviously inebriated kisses along her jawline. Understanding the mood her girlfriend was in, Callie laughed easily and let the blonde have her way, kissing her back light-heartedly. After a few minutes of making out like a couple of teenagers, Arizona’s hands having finally found soft warm skin under Callie’s shirt, her calves running up and down the brunette’s strong thighs, Callie pulled away from the kiss. Seeing the pout that instantly formed on the blonde’s face caused the woman on top to smile once again before leaning back in for a chaste kiss.

Twirling a blonde curl around her fingers, Callie gazed down into the blue eyes she loved. “So, not that I’m complaining,” she started, “but to what do I owe this awesome welcome home?”

“Oh!” Arizona exclaimed, eyes going wide as she remembered the reason for her indulgence. She hurriedly pushed at Callie’s shoulders to get the woman off of her as she simultaneously pulled her legs out from under the larger body. Callie was surprised at the sudden change in mood. Before she was hoping that Arizona’s tipsy state meant that she was going to get lucky tonight but it seemed like her girlfriend was more in the ADD phase of inebriation. Though surely she could be convinced that their original plan was still the best. Right?

“Arizona, what are you doing?” Callie asked, never having been rejected before. She stayed laying on the couch, propped up on her right elbow as her left hand gesticulated, showing just how incredulous she felt at being revved up then left to her own devices but Arizona remained focused on the laptop in front of her.

Callie moved her left hand under the blonde’s shirt in hopes that the contact would bring her back to her libidinous state. She traced her fingers over the milky skin, knowing the light touch would set off the sensitive nerves in her girlfriend’s torso. To the brunette’s surprise, Arizona just shook them away as she narrowed her eyes on the screen.

“Okay, Calliope, you have to see this,” Arizona said with a childlike enthusiasm. “You know that girl I was telling you about that nearly bled out during a tonsillectomy?”

Callie furrowed her brow in thought for a moment. What does she have to do with sexy time?

“Um, yeah. You had to restart her heart.”

“That’s the one. Sit up. She told me about fan fictions! Have you heard of them?” Arizona asked excitedly as she settled in next to the now sitting form of her warm girlfriend. As she leaned against the backrest, Arizona couldn't hold back a pout. She sized up her lover, who was intently staring at the laptop screen, for a moment before grabbing her right arm with surprising determination and wrapping it around herself. After settling into the embrace, Arizona sent a satisfied smile at her smirking girlfriend. Planting one more wet kiss against Callie’s neck, Arizona got back to business.

Callie had skimmed over the open window on the browser while Arizona had gotten comfortable, her face forming a cute, scrunched-up, thoughtful expression.

“Arizona, I don't know what this is but these plots definitely don’t exist in the Harry Potter books.”

“That’s the fun part! They’re stories written by fans of the situations they would like to see the characters in! Isn’t that awesome!” Arizona explained. “Look, here’s the one I read earlier-”

“While you were getting drunk?” Callie interjected with a teasing smirk. Arizona glared at her playfully before continuing.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

“The one I read earlier was really sad,” she said as she pulled up the story once more. “It pretty much made Harry and the big haired girl fall in love and then wrenched them apart and then - get this - they didn’t end up together in the end! Kids shouldn’t read stuff like that,” she pouted.

“But they don’t end up together in the end,” Callie argues.

“Oh. Well, still, if you’re writing a love story about two characters you like then you should put them together anyway.”

Callie watched her girlfriend as she passionately explained how people ‘should’ write love stories. She squeezed the arm twined around her girl to pull her closer before planting a loving kiss on her cheek then turned back to the story. She noticed that the top right corner read ‘Chapter 22’.

“Arizona, did you actually read all 22 chapters of this story?”

The blonde looked sheepish for a moment before replying, “Uh, not exactly.”

At Callie's cocked eyebrow she continued.

“Well it sounded pretty good - and it was - but it was making me sad so, well, I read the first half-dozen or so then skipped to the end for the happy ending,” she rushed out.

Callie smiled at her. “But there was no happy ending?”

The blonde’s face fell. “No, they were heartbroken and separated. So I tried looking for a happier one,” Arizona explained as she pulled up the page that she’d used to search for stories.

“Oh, hey, what’s this?” Callie asked, pointing to the sorting menus at the top of the page.

“I dunno,” the blonde replied, clicking on one to check it out. “I hadn’t noticed them before.”

They clicked on the tab for the genres. “Oh look,” Callie said, “now you know how to choose humour so that you don’t get the sad stuff.

“Here, click on the rating one.”

Arizona did as she was told.

“So what do the letters mean?” Callie asked.

“Not sure,” the blonde shrugged. “Wanna just go to all ratings?”

Callie nodded and the list of stories changed. Reading through the new synopses, one in particular caught Callie’s attention: “Harry and Ron go out for Quidditch practice, but what heats up on the pitch translates back to their dorm, where they share a long, sexy night together.”

“Whoa. People will write anything,” the brunette said. Then after a pause, “Click on it.”

“Seriously, Calliope? You wanna read about boysex? And not just one boy but two!”

“Come on, I just wanna see what it’s like,” she begged.

“I bet that’s what they all say,” Arizona mumbled but hit the link anyway. Before reading it though, she poured another half glass of wine and downed it. She would need all the liquid courage she could muster if she was going to read about two underage boys doing it.

Arizona began to read the story out loud. “‘Harry stared at Ron, watching as his chest rose in shallow breaths. There was something just so sexy about the way the redhead looked after a tough workout on the pitch. His hair stuck to his forehead, his lean musculature shining with just the smallest bit of perspiration.’” Arizona stopped. “Calliope...This is...c’mon.”

“Keep going, let’s skip to the good stuff.”

“It’s boysex - as in no boobs - there is no good stuff!” Arizona whined. Callie gave her a stern look.  Arizona rolled her eyes but went on.

Her eyes skimmed past more of the setup of the scene, grimacing inwardly. “‘They went for separate showers’, yadda, yadda, yadda...‘back at the dorm the freshly bathed boys thought it’d be a good time to study. Little did Harry realise that as time went on, Ron was getting closer and closer.’” She stopped to glare at Callie.

“Keep going.”

“Ugh, fine. ‘After a time, Ron felt more adventurous. First he would brush his hand lightly along Harry’s thigh, pretending as though he was scratching an itch on his own. Little did Harry know that soon, an itch of an entirely different kind would be scratched.’

“So then there’s kissing, clothing coming off...here’s the stuff you want, Calliope: ‘Ron finally pulled Harry’s briefs off, releasing his throbbing erection.’ Ew,” Arizona added with a scrunch of her nose which elicited a giggle from her girlfriend.

“‘Seeing that Harry was already more than ready for him, and Ron’s pole was ready to burst before his roommate had even touched it, he wanted nothing more than to impale him to the hilt.’

“Oh my God, Calliope! This is terrible.”

“It is pretty graphic for a couple of teenagers,” Callie relented.

“‘Using a kiss to distract him’ - you should never need to distract someone during sex; it means you’re doing something you shouldn’t - ‘he pushed a finger past his puckered-”

“Oh my God, Ron, no!” Callie screamed, “How can you do that to Harry?”

Arizona jumped at the sudden outburst before a satisfied grin appeared on her lips. “I thought this was what you wanted, Calliope.”

“Nuh-uh, no. I change my answer. This is just ruining Harry Potter for me. I may need a few years before I can watch another one of those movies now.

“Where’s the wine?” she finished in a near panic.

A semi-guilty expression washed over Arizona’s face. “I kind of, well, drank it. But, I’m positive there is more. At least, I think there is.”

Callie chuckled some, “I’m going to need to be on your level if this is how we’re planning on spending the rest of the night - holed up reading fan fiction about pubescent children.”

The blonde shook her head emphatically, “No. No more about boy sex. I’m serious.”

Hoisting herself off of the couch, Callie walked the small distance to their kitchen. “Fine, fine. No more boy sex, geez. What else can we read about?” She asked, rooting through the cupboard for a wine glass and grabbing the unopened bottle of red wine atop the fridge. She had a sneaking suspicion Arizona couldn’t reach it, and that’s why she opted for the other bottle.

“Hmm,” The blonde mused. “I did read an L Word story.”

“Ooh!” Callie exclaimed as she worked the cork out of the bottle, tossing it and the opener onto the counter. “Was it sexy?”

“Kinda, but more cute than sexy. It was before we knew there were X-rated stories on here.”

“I think I’m more interested in the sexy,” Callie admitted with a soft laugh, pouring herself a hearty glass of wine and re-joining Arizona on the sofa with the new bottle.

The blonde held out her glass expectantly while she clicked on the tab containing the L Word search. She clicked on the drop down and changed the rating to all once more, surprised at the multitude of results.

“Seems like people enjoy their X-rated L Word,” she said with a smirk.

“Well, duh,” Callie quipped, pouring Arizona half of a glass of wine. “What are our options?”

“Mostly Bette and Tina,” Arizona mumbled, scrolling down the page.

“They’re sweet, but kind of boring. What else?” Callie asked, glancing over her girlfriend’s shoulder, scanning the summaries. “Oh, wait. Did that say Shane and Carmen?” She pointed. “I loved those two.”

“Callie, were you even gay when that show was on?”

“Not technically, but I would have gone all the way gay for that chick Bette banged.” Callie paused for a moment in thought. “I think her name was Nadia or something.”

“Weird. People at the bar used to tell me I looked like that girl!” Arizona giggled. “Are you just with me ‘cause I’m playing out your Nadia fantasy?”

Callie really hadn’t thought of that and it caused a large grin to stretch across her face. “No, but that’s kind of awesome!”

Rolling those big blue eyes once more, Arizona clicked on the Shane and Carmen story and read the summary aloud: “Scene rewrite: What if Carmen and Shane weren’t interrupted by Jenny’s phone call during the lap dance scene?”

The brunette’s eyes widened as she nodded, “Yes! That was so frustrating!”

Arizona’s brows knitted as she turned to look at Callie. “You were so gay and didn’t even know it,” she teased.

Callie playfully swatted at her girlfriend’s arm “Just shut up and read.”

Taking another swig of wine, Arizona cleared her throat. “‘Shane’s cold, thin fingertips slid appreciatively over the golden curves of her sexy girlfriend who was wearing the most complicatedly sexy pieces of lingerie she’d ever seen. As the music started, Carmen’s curvy backside swayed rhythmically against Shane’s crotch.’” Arizona paused, taking another sip of wine. “Yum.”

“Keep going!” Callie encouraged, sipping from her own glass.

“‘Shane stifled a groan, wondering how this woman seemed to ooze sexiness all the time. Carmen pivoted, easily slipping between Shane’s legs, kissing the taller woman with all her might. Arms wrapped around each other and Shane fumbled for the clasp of Carmen’s bra. Such a simple task, usually, but the paler woman was overwhelmed. Carmen was hot, but this was just... incredibly sexy.’”

“Damn straight Carmen’s hot,” Callie murmured into her wine glass, and Arizona swatted at her.

“Don’t interrupt! This has all kinds of sexy-good potential unlike your boysex that had ‘sexy-bad’ written all over it.”

Callie huffed as Arizona kept reading.

“‘Now without her bra, Carmen arched forward into Shane, letting the woman have her way with her. She felt teeth against her nipple, biting hard enough to almost make her bleed,’” she trailed off.

The brunette hissed and brought a hand up to her chest, “Ouch!”

Arizona nodded, but kept going, “‘Shane was a tough lover, the kind that was straight forward, always getting what she wanted. Her mind replayed Carmen’s giggled utterance of ‘I wonder who’s going to be doing the fucking tonight’ as she was spun around by those small, yet strong hands, back now pressing against the kitchen table. Carmen gasped as she felt Shane start to unclasp her garter belt, rolling it down and off of her legs. She slapped her ass for good measure-’”

Callie snorted.

“Calliope!”

“Sorry, go ahead,” the brunette said, still chuckling.

“‘She slapped her ass for good measure,’” Arizona giggled a little, “‘and tugged down on the sexy panties Carmen was wearing, exposing her smooth...pussy.’” The blonde blinked a few times and looked at Callie who was stifling a laugh in her hand. “You’re a jerk. Anyway...blah, blah, right - okay. ‘Carmen trembled, begging Shane to slap her again. ‘Harder,’ she pleaded and Shane did as she was told, but this time slapping-’” She stopped. “I can’t read this.”

“What’s it say?” Callie asked as she squinted at the screen, scooting closer to read the words. “‘This time slapping her on her wetness.’”

“Well, to each their own?” Arizona reasoned, taking another long sip of wine. “Should I keep going?”

“Yeah, this is entertaining as hell!” Callie chuckled as she stretched out, sliding her legs across Arizona’s lap.

“Okay. Hmm. Right, here we go. ‘After the slap, Carmen was nearly screaming for Shane to fuck her.’” Arizona stopped again. “Why would she be screaming from that? Anyway,” she restarted, “‘Shane smiled like a wolf in the wild and slid a finger through her velvety folds, feeling how much moisture had gathered from their foreplay. She knew Carmen was freaky and slapping was only the beginning of what she hoped would be a long and sexy time tonight.’”

Callie was holding her side with laughter. “Velvety folds!” She said through guffaws, watching as Arizona tried to keep a stoic face.

“Anyway,” Arizona huffed. “‘Carmen’s hips wiggled in need, arching up against that finger, wanting more of Shane than just these teasing touches. ‘Fuck!’ She hissed, needing the skinny brunette to own her body for the night. She grasped her wrist and slid her fingers toward her honey pot. Shane gave in, reluctantly, as two fingers slipped inside of the woman, curling and touching all of her that she could. She tossed her head back at the feeling of being inside of her, growling somewhat.’”

At this point Callie’s shoulders were shaking as she wiped a tear out of the corner of her eye. “Oh, Jesus!”

Arizona’s once stern face had softened somewhat and the corner of her mouth twitched in a grin. She was trying to hold it together but this was just getting ridiculous.

“‘Carmen started crying out in Spanish, rapidly. ‘Ohhh, Dios Mijos-’”

“Mijos?” Callie said, laughing. “‘Oh my children’?”

“That’s what it says!”

“‘Ohhh, Dios Mijos. Shane, you are muy muy bien!’ Carmen exclaimed, while Shane slipped another digit inside of her. Her juice was running down her fingers and onto her knuckles, helping the skinny brunette pump in and out. Shane continued to ram her with all three fingers while the liquid ran down without stopping.’”

“Uh, maybe it’s just me, but that seems like a glandular issue. As a doctor I would recommend getting that checked out,” Callie said as she swallowed more wine, grimacing at the mental image.

“Ditto,” Arizona said after stifling a gag. “Should I keep going?”

“Well, you can’t stop now. This is so terrible.”

“Right?” The blonde agreed. “There isn’t much more.”

“Good!”

Clearing her throat, Arizona started up again, “‘Carmen bucked in ecstasy, wanting more of the feeling of the woman, needing her. Shane was a silent lover, but Carmen was talkative - noisy, even. She just kept up the train of sounds, moaning and groaning while Shane fucked her. The skinnier woman started to slip a fourth finger inside of her, knowing this was Carmen’s absolute favourite.’”

It was Arizona’s turn to stop and question the actions of the story, “Four fingers?” She asked in bewilderment, chugging another half glass of wine.

“Has Carmen had twenty kids she forgot to mention or something?” Callie blinked, gulping the remainder of her glass and refilling it just as quickly.

“As all four fingers fit inside of the Latina, Shane panted in time with her thrusts, all of a sudden gaining the vocalness she usually preferred to elicit from the other woman. ‘God, Carmen you are so sexy! I love fucking you!’ While she continued pumping inside of her, the lewd, squelchy noises only fuelling her fire. She knew Carmen was close, especially now that the evidence of her arousal was pooling on the kitchen table. Shane made a mental note to scrub it with Clorox tomorrow. But for now she was intent on finishing what she started, Carmen wiggling and humping against her skilled hand.’”

“What the fuck?” Callie asked, face twisted a bit in startled distaste.

“I-I don’t even...” Arizona wet her lips, internally wondering if she was doing something wrong when she made love to Calliope. There was never any “pooling” anything or...four fingers. She shuddered, blinking away tipsy tears.

“Are you crying?” Callie asked in disbelief.

“I just...this...doesn’t happen. Ever - with us, I mean.”

“Damn right it doesn’t. And it’s a good thing, too. I’d be offended if you could get four fingers inside of me - I’d be offended if you tried. This sounds like a horny fifteen year old boy wrote it!”

Arizona nodded, wiping her eyes. “Too much wine, I think.”

Callie scooted closer to her girlfriend, wrapping her arms around her and kissing the side of her head. “We can stop reading this. It’s absurd. And for the record? You’re amazing in bed. Crazy good.”

Regaining some confidence, Arizona planted a kiss on Callie’s lips, smiling some. “You’re adorable.”

“Just honest,” Callie winked playfully, looking at the screen once more. “There’s just one paragraph left. Read it, and then we can be done with this grossness forever.”

Arizona sighed, mustering up the drive to finish the story for good. “‘Carmen was close, Shane could tell. Her legs were shaking like leaves on a windy fall day. She felt Shane stretching her out, and she didn’t care. She was with the woman she loved and no matter what she did, she couldn’t find fault with her. She was thrusting fast and deep and Carmen knew it was only a few seconds. Shane continued fucking her soaking hole, watching Carmen bite down on her lower lip. The Latina bucked two more times before she started screaming Shane’s name, hoping not to wake the neighbours with her loud cries of pleasure. And then finally, she came. Shane lost count after Carmen came five times, collapsing atop her in a heap. She was exhausted, muscles aching. That’s when she decided to throw caution to the wind. ‘Carmen, will you marry me?’”

“What!” Callie exclaimed, jostling her wine enough to spill a little onto her jeans.

“Honey pot? Soaking hole? What is wrong with this person?” Arizona wondered, alarmed at the gross euphemisms.

“Does she accept her proposal?”

“Let’s see,” Arizona began. “‘Carmen, high off of her orgasms blinked away tears. ‘Yes! Of course, Shane!’ Mi amore, I will marry you.’ And when she smiled, Shane picked her up and kissed her like it was a movie, holding her close, excited to spend the rest of her life with this woman. The end.’”

“Oh, right. Of course,” Callie snorted with a roll of her eyes. “Can we be finished with this now? I’m so grossed out I feel like I need to shower.”

Arizona nodded her head, gently closing the lap top before she swung a leg over Callie’s thighs and eased herself onto her lap.

She laid gentle kisses along the brunette’s jawline, working her way down her neck.

“I just told you I’m grossed out and you want to have sex?” Callie asked incredulously but didn’t make a move to stop her girlfriend’s motions. When Arizona didn’t respond, Callie ran her hands up from where they’d been resting above Arizona’s knees to her hips where she gripped them tightly as she pulled the blonde closer. When her thumbs skimmed under the shirt hiding the milky skin from view to rub at the hip bones they found Arizona suddenly stopped. Feeling the body above her tense, Callie pulled back from Arizona enough to look her in the face.

Trying to catch the blonde’s gaze, Callie drops her chin but to no avail.

“Arizona, are you okay?”

The blonde nodded quickly a few times before trying to go back in for a heated kiss but Callie was having none of it.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” she implored, letting her hands soothe the smooth skin they covered.

“It’s stupid, don’t worry about it. I’m just drunk. Now kiss me,” she said trying for another lip lock.

“We both know that a drunken girl’s words are a sober girl’s thoughts, so tell me.”

Arizona glanced up to make brief eye contact with those scintillating brown ones before letting out a huff of air and letting her shoulders sag.

“I read one other story before you got home,” she admitted as she let herself fall forward to rest her forehead on Callie’s shoulder. “It was one about Shane and Carmen and it was really cute but you know how Shane is super skinny?” She asked, looking up to Callie for confirmation.

“Well at one point Carmen was running her fingers over Shane’s ribs and they were sticking out and stuff and because I'm so completely white and you’re so completely not, well-”

“It reminded you of us?” Callie finished softly. After Arizona nodded she continued, “So now you’re worried that I think your ribs are sticking out?” Arizona nodded again. Callie stifled a laugh. This kind of nervous, self-conscious behaviour wasn’t typical of her girlfriend, but the brunette went with it, not wanting to miss an opportunity to remind Arizona just how beautiful she was.

Callie let a wide smirk make its way across her face. She let both her hands touch as much of the blonde as they could, moving them up and taking the restrictive shirt with them. When the material bunched at Arizona’s breasts she pushed the woman back into a kneeling position.

Her hands wandered idly up and down the soft skin. “Well let’s see,” she said, trailing her eyes across her lover’s torso. She placed a few gentle kisses across Arizona’s stomach, lavishing a little extra attention around her sensitive bellybutton.

“Hm, nope, not too bony here,” she mumbled against the warm flesh and smiling when she heard a girlish giggle ring out above her. She worked her way up to Arizona’s ribs slowly, kissing them as she went. The woman was slim, but she certainly wasn’t as gaunt as she feared. “No more of that fan fiction for you,” Callie mumbled against the warm skin of Arizona’s torso, planting a kiss on her abdomen afterward.

The blonde hummed appreciatively, threading her fingers through Callie’s dark, wavy locks. “Deal,” she agreed without thinking, having trouble focusing when Callie’s lips were traveling over her body. One of the Latina’s hands slipped down in between their bodies, popping open the button and fly of Arizona’s jeans. Her lips backtracked along the path they took up to Arizona’s ribs, settling at the blonde’s stomach, hands gripping at her hips once more. She lifted the woman up, tugging on her jeans to wrestle them off of her lower half before pulling her back down onto her lap. Her hands smoothed over those strong calves and thighs, coming up to the waistband of her underwear, where she dipped a few fingers just past the trim of elastic.

“Mm,” Arizona moaned as her head tipped down to admire the sight. “Just don’t try fitting your entire hand in there,” she joked.

Callie stopped and quickly tugged her fingers free. Those words went off like a siren in her head as she pulled back, giving one last glance at the pretty pink underwear that should have been on the floor by now.

“Um, yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem,” Callie replied, more than a little repulsed. “Let’s just shower and go to bed.”

Arizona thought about pouting for a moment but as her drunken brain jogged forward, she realized her mistake. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Callie planted a kiss on Arizona’s hip bone as the blonde leaned backward to look at her. “No, but it can’t be unsaid. I think we’ve had enough smut for one night. To be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to snuggling until that disturbing image is out of my mind.”

The blonde smiled sheepishly. “Deal.”

Grinning up at her somewhat drunken girlfriend, Callie tightened her grip around Arizona’s waist. “You’re still cute as hell, though, even drunk and making me recall disturbing things from the Internet.”

Arizona tried her best to pout but the jutted lower lip and puppy dog eyes were quickly replaced by exasperation as Callie stood up, taking Arizona with her. With the blonde’s legs locked around her waist she walked toward their bedroom and en suite bathroom, where they hoped to wash away the bad aftertaste of an evening spent in front of the laptop reading tawdry smut.