More Changes
Around the process of having eye surgery, I'm also going to try to update my wardrobe. Quintin let me borrow some of his clothes last night, and they actually fit! I have not worn clothes that fit ever! They felt so good too. I'm going to go with this and next week's paycheck is dedicated to new clothes. Now that I have felt what it is like, I'm not settling for anything less any longer than I have to.
Quintin and I went to the Olive Garden last night and I didn't eat all my meal. It was fun and I got to feel those clothes in a more open environment before going to the club. Unfortunately everyone canceled the dinner plans last night. I went to the club and I wondered. Eric got up and "didn't care" about what others thought of him as he got up there and did the boxer thing. You couldn't see anything really and people didn't care, they just enjoyed seeing him act stupid. I wonder if that is how I should be? Maybe people would like me more? Don't I do that though? I guess I won't ever achieve what I am striving for. It seems there is a barrior around me socially that I cannot get based. I am destroying a lot of my restraints but this one still binds me.
What am I striving for? Well occasionally I see someone who is very cute hanging out with his friends and them all acting crazy. They don't have a care in the world. They are just laughing and having an awesome time like nobody else exists. I think "wow." I just wish I could be that person and have people look at me the way I just described me looking at them. I hold myself back and may never reach that status, but I'm hoping one day. I don't care if people want to attain me, just so that they consider me worthy of being attained. I'd like people to look up to me, respect me. All what I never had when I was younger. I was in the background, though everyone knew my name, they didn't want to tal....hey...maybe they did think that way to an extent. Suddenly all this sounds stupid. lol. I'm so silly sometimes. Actually I think this goes back further than high school. Back to when I switched elementary schools in 3rd grade. There was this one guy who was so popular and liked. Everyone wanted to be him. His name was Jason Gutherie, and he had the other guys in the class in the palm of his hand. Larry Adams was also respected because he provided me to play with. He would give me advice and pretend to be my friend but cast me down with everyone else. Even Scott Rouse, who cussed and liked to see how far he could stand away from the urinal and still pee in it, had a decent place as the bad kid. I had my place too as the outcast, though not as much as Ben White reading his books and begging for friendships. At least Ben stayed to himself most of the time and dug into his interests, not caring as much, which is the escape I eventually took beginning 7th grade. Ben was very nice and somewhat cute, but he moved to Florida to live with his alcoholic father. Sometimes I wish I knew what happened with him. I wish I found a friend in him instead of striving to please those jerks, practically offering myself as the bud of everyone's jokes and the consistant generation of envy for that group of boys that caused all my psychological problems. It was this want for acceptance that made me an easy target.
Always, I've had issues with wether I was cared for or not. I don't know where they come from. I would hide in the department stores under clothes racks to see if Mom would miss me. At my other elementary school where I had friends I would threaten to cut out my eye with a piece of glass just to hear my friend say "No Ken, don't do that." I just didn't truly believe that people cared nor that I was any more than a piece of lint on the carpet to others.
Even though my reasons may seem silly to those who didn't go through it, I still would like to know whether people think I'm an idiot or not. I see so many people looking at me like i'm a moron. Maybe I am. I went and talked to a couple last night for a second and they acted like they just wanted me to go away even though they weren't doing anything private or spectacular. That doesn't bother me too much but I wonder if everyone feels that way toward me. I wish people would just wear signs that tell me what they are thinking and why they are thinking it. All I'm getting is negative feedback from many but nothing to go on as to why. Listen ya'll, I am very helpless and not knowledgeable about this whole social thing. I just know what I observe and I can't make heads or tails out of the overall picture, so if any of you want to help out, I'll be more than appreciative, even if it hurts a little. Just don't say it out of anger.
Quintin and I went to the Olive Garden last night and I didn't eat all my meal. It was fun and I got to feel those clothes in a more open environment before going to the club. Unfortunately everyone canceled the dinner plans last night. I went to the club and I wondered. Eric got up and "didn't care" about what others thought of him as he got up there and did the boxer thing. You couldn't see anything really and people didn't care, they just enjoyed seeing him act stupid. I wonder if that is how I should be? Maybe people would like me more? Don't I do that though? I guess I won't ever achieve what I am striving for. It seems there is a barrior around me socially that I cannot get based. I am destroying a lot of my restraints but this one still binds me.
What am I striving for? Well occasionally I see someone who is very cute hanging out with his friends and them all acting crazy. They don't have a care in the world. They are just laughing and having an awesome time like nobody else exists. I think "wow." I just wish I could be that person and have people look at me the way I just described me looking at them. I hold myself back and may never reach that status, but I'm hoping one day. I don't care if people want to attain me, just so that they consider me worthy of being attained. I'd like people to look up to me, respect me. All what I never had when I was younger. I was in the background, though everyone knew my name, they didn't want to tal....hey...maybe they did think that way to an extent. Suddenly all this sounds stupid. lol. I'm so silly sometimes. Actually I think this goes back further than high school. Back to when I switched elementary schools in 3rd grade. There was this one guy who was so popular and liked. Everyone wanted to be him. His name was Jason Gutherie, and he had the other guys in the class in the palm of his hand. Larry Adams was also respected because he provided me to play with. He would give me advice and pretend to be my friend but cast me down with everyone else. Even Scott Rouse, who cussed and liked to see how far he could stand away from the urinal and still pee in it, had a decent place as the bad kid. I had my place too as the outcast, though not as much as Ben White reading his books and begging for friendships. At least Ben stayed to himself most of the time and dug into his interests, not caring as much, which is the escape I eventually took beginning 7th grade. Ben was very nice and somewhat cute, but he moved to Florida to live with his alcoholic father. Sometimes I wish I knew what happened with him. I wish I found a friend in him instead of striving to please those jerks, practically offering myself as the bud of everyone's jokes and the consistant generation of envy for that group of boys that caused all my psychological problems. It was this want for acceptance that made me an easy target.
Always, I've had issues with wether I was cared for or not. I don't know where they come from. I would hide in the department stores under clothes racks to see if Mom would miss me. At my other elementary school where I had friends I would threaten to cut out my eye with a piece of glass just to hear my friend say "No Ken, don't do that." I just didn't truly believe that people cared nor that I was any more than a piece of lint on the carpet to others.
Even though my reasons may seem silly to those who didn't go through it, I still would like to know whether people think I'm an idiot or not. I see so many people looking at me like i'm a moron. Maybe I am. I went and talked to a couple last night for a second and they acted like they just wanted me to go away even though they weren't doing anything private or spectacular. That doesn't bother me too much but I wonder if everyone feels that way toward me. I wish people would just wear signs that tell me what they are thinking and why they are thinking it. All I'm getting is negative feedback from many but nothing to go on as to why. Listen ya'll, I am very helpless and not knowledgeable about this whole social thing. I just know what I observe and I can't make heads or tails out of the overall picture, so if any of you want to help out, I'll be more than appreciative, even if it hurts a little. Just don't say it out of anger.