(no subject)
I have never missed anyone more than I miss my brother. Today I've worked myself into a fit of depression over him; though to be honest it's been coming a while. I've been dreaming about him again, which is never a good sign. It means he's on my mind and eventually 'm bound to have some kind of 'episode'. But I know that this is just a preliminary, that my really bad day will come in 9 days when he would have turned 21. Under no circumstances has it ever been a good thing that David's birthday falls four days before my own. when I was a kid it meant that he got presents before I did, and had no qualms at all about rubbing my face in it. Now it just means I get very depressed when I should be excited.
In a lame attmept to alleviate my mood, I've been buying myself presents with my birthday money, trying to get them to arrive over the course of the month to cheer myself up better. It isn't working. I feel just as bad.
I hate crying, as well, because it means people notice. That's fine at home where people understand, but here no-one has a clue what I'm going through. I don't mean to sound self-pitying but I really do feel bad and I need to vent it at someone/thing. I'm not convinced that the distance Livejournal creates between people (and it is a distance; any intimacy it engenders is illusory) will help, perhaps I need a real person to sit in front of and cry, but I don't think I could do that to anyone here. They just don't know me well enough for me to dump such an emotional load onto them, and I feel very sorry for anyone who has to listen to what I have to say because it is horrible. Trying to find the words to express the empty roleplay my life has become since my brother, the thing I love most in the world, went and left me in the cold to face life all alone, is the hardest thing in the world to do.
The other night I dreamed he was still alive (as all my dreams go), but was severely disabled (I've accepted what happened to him but can't take the actual consequences of it, so I make up the alternative, worse,* scenario). I was getting him ready for something, and as I lifted him out of bed I found myself whispering, "I love you more than anything in the world." I can still feel him against me now, and that's what's driving me crazy. If I could just stop entering another realm where he is alive, albeit a vegetable, I'd be able to deal with it a lot better.
*Worse? for him, maybe. But I can't help feeling that having a brother is infinitely preferable to the alternative, no matter how much I tell myself otherwise.
In a lame attmept to alleviate my mood, I've been buying myself presents with my birthday money, trying to get them to arrive over the course of the month to cheer myself up better. It isn't working. I feel just as bad.
I hate crying, as well, because it means people notice. That's fine at home where people understand, but here no-one has a clue what I'm going through. I don't mean to sound self-pitying but I really do feel bad and I need to vent it at someone/thing. I'm not convinced that the distance Livejournal creates between people (and it is a distance; any intimacy it engenders is illusory) will help, perhaps I need a real person to sit in front of and cry, but I don't think I could do that to anyone here. They just don't know me well enough for me to dump such an emotional load onto them, and I feel very sorry for anyone who has to listen to what I have to say because it is horrible. Trying to find the words to express the empty roleplay my life has become since my brother, the thing I love most in the world, went and left me in the cold to face life all alone, is the hardest thing in the world to do.
The other night I dreamed he was still alive (as all my dreams go), but was severely disabled (I've accepted what happened to him but can't take the actual consequences of it, so I make up the alternative, worse,* scenario). I was getting him ready for something, and as I lifted him out of bed I found myself whispering, "I love you more than anything in the world." I can still feel him against me now, and that's what's driving me crazy. If I could just stop entering another realm where he is alive, albeit a vegetable, I'd be able to deal with it a lot better.
*Worse? for him, maybe. But I can't help feeling that having a brother is infinitely preferable to the alternative, no matter how much I tell myself otherwise.