Inner Conflicts...
I am training to become a server at this busy, greek restaurant downtown. I have never really served in my life. And it is fucking terrifying. I mananged to finally land some sort of a job in this town... and now all I can think about is how much serving sucks. I know I am just being a big baby. I guess it just angers me that I still am not working towards anything that resembles a career. Well I guess I am... I am trying to save up money to get out of this town, and work towards my goals. But fuck! SERVING?! Do any of you have any experience/advice in this field? Because quite frankly it scares the shit out of me. My next shift is on NEW YEARS EVE. Wish me luck. In other news, I am contemplating flushing my big fat bottle of Zoloft down the toilet. I don't want it to control my life anymore. I have already stopped taking it for the last 4 days and it feels great. My dreams aren't really that fucked up anymore and I feel like im beating the Zoloft withdrawals.
Last night was really shitty. I didn't know that my ex boyfriend still had the power to induce intense anger in me. We got in a fight about how everytime we talk he is always trying to act cool and make me jelous. It also really pissed me off that he went into detail about this girl he's going on a date with and how she is "Jewish and becoming a Librarian" and he thinks that is his "attraction" to her. His loss because I think I am prettier than her. LOL. It just makes me sick a little. I really shouldn't care. I don't want him back or anything. Everything about him turns me off. So I have decided to refrain from being his friend for my own piece of mind. And he can talk to someone else about his vain escapades at the thrift store and about how all he does is "write and make art". James, you really have nothing to prove to me. I just wish you had at least one original thought in your brain. On top of all this, my actual boyfriend hasn't called me in three days... he is in Vancouver. Should I be worried?... should I take this as a sign that he doesn't want to take this as seriously as I have been? I know for a fact that he thinks I take everything too seriously. And if he knew how I really feel about how he hasn't called me in three days he would just say that I am freaking out and being too affected by everything. I really do wish I wasn't so affected and that I could just forget about him for the whole time he was gone and occupy myself with things of my own interest. BUT I CAN'T. It's just not that easy. Upon his return he will be going back to school for the semester... And I will be "his girlfriend on the side" type of thing. Because he will be really busy. It angers me that I'm not going to school or doing anything with my life. And that I'M not busy. I should just suck it up and do something and get on with it, right? Ugh! This entry has just been all belly acheing. Sorry, friends.
To help me cope with all of these boy troubles I have been listening to Lily Allen's new album. I love it's brit pop simplicity and catchy melodies.. It is a total "get over him" album and gives me a sense of empowerment. This one's dedicated to the ex! Enjoy!
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