"you're a good person, you deserve to have good things happen..."

[claireity]

it's a choice, pretending things are normal, having dinner, talking to people, driving around, getting things done, keeping it all hidden away for private times when no one will see. between that and letting all the craziness flood in, going outside and screaming, ripping my body apart so it matches my inside more, making absolutely no sense to anyone but myself, forgetting and not caring about all the social regulations of life, putting it all out in the world. every day i make this choice, sometimes ever hour or minute, sometimes i can't make it so i hide myself away because it is all equally disgusting and bad. and i wonder what will happen on that day i make the wrong decision. and i wonder how long i have until then.
i don't know how to live in my ideas, and that is the only way i know how to live.