it's a lonely time for yours truly

[foldedsteel]

WHO: Tifa Reno lol
WHEN: uh. Thurs May 29th late, prolly Fri May 30th in the wee hours
WHERE: Reno's place. Particularly, Reno's bed. And then elsewhere.
WHAT: Lol not what you think.
WARNINGS: Naked. Still not what you think.
COMPLETED

Comments

[cynicalnevada]

He tightened his grip on her shoulders and shook her gently. "Will you listen to yourself?" he cried softly. "You... Maybe you didn't have the luxury then, but you have it now! Whatever you want to call what you are, you don't have to be like this anymore! You didn't learn anything but how to clam up and let everything you're afraid of fester inside you like some sort of...rot, babe, and it's..." He shook his head. "You scare the hell out of me sometimes, yanno? You have eyes that belong to someone three times your age, yo."

And he shook his head again, lowering his brow onto her shoulder and sighed softly into her skin. "Nobody else is gonna die, okay?" he said then. "Elena's not gonna die...I'm not gonna die--you're not gonna die. I won't have it. Are we clear? Do you understand me, Tifa?" He hugged her tightly. "We've lost enough. You've lost enough. I won't let you lose anything else, okay?" He grit his teeth. "They can't have Elena, and they can't have you, and if I have to kill every last one of them myself then so be it, because I am fuckin' fed up, yo."

He wasn't quite sure what she was really talking about...none of what had happened to them had been her fault. Not directly. But...she had said something about her mother, and he realized he had no idea about her mother. She'd mentioned her dad a few times, how much she'd loved him. But she'd never mentioned her mother.

He paused. "What...why... Uhm..." He frowned, pulling back a little to look at her, his bright eyes sad and searching. "What kind of dreams?" he settled on. "What...happened in your dream? What happened...to your mother?"

That was what this was about, wasn't it? Her mother was the 'she' Tifa had been talking about...wasn't she? The one she hadn't been able to save. Reno ran a thumb across her cheek. "Whatever it was...I'm sure it wasn't your fault, Tifa."

[foldedsteel]

"Life runs out fast in Vegas," she whispered softly as he accused her of having old eyes. "Maybe I am three times your age..." But apparently he didn't hear her; he went right on talking, and she just whimpered and cried quietly into his shoulder until he pulled back, trying to catch her gaze with those sad eyes of his.

There were tears on her cheeks and everything in her was telling her she needed to leave, to go get a hold on herself, but as she tugged experimentally at his grasp, he held tight, just as she expected he would. And he asked about her mother.

I don't like talking about it. Please don't ask me. She could still hear her youthful voice dismissing friends and teachers with the same rote response.

But not Reno. Not Reno--Reno was different. Reno said she could be different. With Reno she wasn't just a pair of legs wearing a nice rack and a pair of big brown eyes with no name and no past. She was Tifa, Tifa Lockhart, and his father killed her father and her quest for revenge had almost gotten the both of them killed too. He could know. It was safe now. He could know...she could...she could talk about it...

"She--died," Tifa divulged lamely, averting her face. "We were...playing cards, sitting on the floor in the living room. A-and then there was...dust and splinters of wood and broken glass, gunshots from outside and she just keeled over forward, blood running out her mouth... I pushed her over, to lie down--I don't know, I was little; I thought...it'd help...--and she...she just... She grabbed my hand and told me to--"

Mommy! Mommy?! MOMMY--!!

There was a twinge in her chest and she tugged back from Reno to press her hand to it, willing it to stop. "Then I fell over. It--it didn't even hurt. It was like...the world was glass, tipping and falling up to shatter on the ceiling, and I watched her...grab my hand and her lips moved and I couldn't hear and--" She wanted to hug her knees but he was too close; Reno was in the way. And she couldn't just hang on Reno and cry, so she just sat there, making a fist and gritting her teeth, an anguished scoff dusting out of her.

[cynicalnevada]

Reno sat still for a moment, unsure of what to make of all of this. Her mother...her mother had been shot in the head, right in front of her. Reno had never put any thought into keeping track, as it were, of perhaps who had seen worse things in their day, but somehow knowing that Tifa did know how it felt to watch someone be shot right in front of her made him feel less alienated for having wept over Lula's body that night. She had known how it felt. She knew, maybe even better than he did--she'd lost her own mother that way. Reno had loved his crazy aunt dearly, but had it been his mother who had fallen down dead in front of him, Reno probably wouldn't have been able to function.

Without really thinking about what he was doing, Reno reached out and gathered Tifa into his arms, holding her gently against his chest, her head tucked beneath his chin.

"I'm...sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have asked, I..." He shook his head. "Shit, babe, I..."

He didn't know what to say. What could he say?

[foldedsteel]

"After rehab," she murmured, sounding almost aloof, as if she was talking about a movie or something, "when they released me back to my dad, he...he burned our house down. Faked our deaths, and we ran away to Reno. Start over. It worked, for a while. But they found him; they didn't realize I was still alive but they found him, and--they set him on fire. I just...watched; I couldn't do anything. If they saw me they'd kill me too, so I just--I watched Dan break my dad's face in, Reno! He was shouting and they set him on fire and shot him just in case and I--I couldn't...I just let him get murdered, right in front of me! I couldn't--and--Elena...it was the same way, just--fuck!"

Her fist slammed against his chest to punctuate the curse, and for a long moment there was nothing but her shuddering breathing. "I couldn't save them. Couldn't even get revenge for them, and I led them straight to Elena! What if--what if I could talk to them? They were after me, I think, or us, or something--they might...trade; I could do something. I could get Elena back!" She didn't tell him what her dream had been, but it had obviously been along this same vein.

[cynicalnevada]

He physically flinched when she told him she'd seen his father bash her dad's face in, and a vicious shiver shook his frame and he just lowered his head onto her shoulder, heavy guilt pressing against his shoulders. He didn't grimace when she hit his chest. In fact he almost wished she'd hit him harder, because somehow it felt strange and wrong that her words hurt more than her fists did.

I'm so sorry, Tifa...I'm so sorry. My father ruined my mother's life...ruined my life...but I never expected him to have ruined yours too...

He knew his father had been responsible for her father's death--she had told him that long ago. But a mutual loathing of Dan Cage was not necessarily something he had wanted to have in common with her. He didn't know she had seen Dan kill her father...

he shushed her sharply when she continued then, and pulled back, holding her at arm's length and staring her down with fierce, fiery eyes.

"You'll do no such thing, Tifa Lockhart," he snapped, his voice tight and his fingers gripping her shoulders firmly. "Tifa...Tifa look at me." He shook his head sternly. "Do you really think Elena would want you to trade places with her? Do you honestly think that's what she would want? What I want? You know as well as I do that as soon as they get their paws on you they'll kill you. You know way too much. I'm not giving you over to them--I'm not making a trade, Tifa. I can't gauge the value of your life against Elena's, or the other way around--it ain't fair, yo. I love both of you, and I'm not gonna send you to be killed to get her back. She'd kill me."

He shook his head again. "We will get Elena back," he said; "I'm the one who got her involved in this anyway. It's the fact that she's my friend that makes her a target in the first place--that had nothing to do with you, so stop being so arrogant, yo." He cupped her cheek. "I got her into this, and I'm gonna get her out of it, and you can help, but I'm not letting you trade places with her. That's just retarded, yo."

He leaned forward and kissed her crown, wrapping her in a hug again, wishing she'd stop shaking. There was nothing he could do to change what had happened...he couldn't take away her nightmares. The most he could do was hold her and remind her she was safe so long as he was there... He wouldn't let anyone hurt her anymore. Not even if she was the one inflicting the injuries.

"Stop beating yourself up over this," he scolded.

They would get Elena back, no matter what.

[foldedsteel]

She didn't answer, just kind of immersed herself in his embrace until she wasn't shuddering anymore. "...Gods, Reno, I'm so fucked up," she lamented with something like a laugh, putting her arm around him and tugging him to lie down with her. She felt so tired... "Most people go through what I have and they snort or shoot up or something, anything to deal with it, you know? Not me. I just...dream it. Most nights I can see fire on the backs of my eyelids, you know? That movie we watched, at the party? The guy on fire? Christ, I nearly puked--you saw me bolt from the room. I bet they all think I'm such a pansy, you know?"

She curled up into him, closing her eyes and shuddering. "All that...blood'n'guts shit--I mean, why do you think I don't like it? I didn't say anything; I just came off as some sheltered squicked-out girl I bet. But...Reno I've seen that shit in real life, and... I'm so fucked up," she repeated, her arm around his waist. "It's like I'm never gonna get out no matter how far I go, how safe I am--he laughs, sometimes, in the back of my head. I hear your dad laugh at mine. Though, I also hear him scream along with mine, so...I guess it evens out. So fucked up... It's sick--what the hell's wrong with me?!"

[cynicalnevada]

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you," he replied frankly, dryly. "I think if you reacted any differently than you do? Then I'd think you were fucked up...but..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry; I didn't even think about that when I put the movies in... I've always liked scary movies...explosions and guns and gore never really bothered me. And maybe that's why when I saw it in real life I was able to keep my head...at least 'til the adrenaline ran out, yanno? And...in the end, I guess I can still watch them without being spooked because I know it's fake, and I've seen the real thing, and somehow watching it knowing it ain't real dulls the skeeve of having seen it firsthand, yo."

He shrugged. "Or maybe I'm even more fucked up than you are," he suggested then. "Who knows?"

Then he shook his head.

"I wish...I wish that my dad hadn't done the things he did," he said, "and I'm sorry that his mistakes fucked up your life, yo. I really really am...but...all I can do now is promise you that I won't let anybody else hurt you. That's...all I can give you." He sighed almost sadly. "I wish I could fix it. I wish I could go back in time and..."

--kill him.

"...and do something about it, but...I can't," he lamented. "So all I can give you is now. And tomorrow. Every tomorrow." He scoffed bitterly. "But I can't fix yesterday...not even for myself."

[foldedsteel]

"And what about when tomorrow runs out, huh? What about when...they finally get the upper hand, or I don't live through the next bullet, or--or what if you just straight-up get sick of me, Reno? You're all I have, and I know that's a lot of pressure, but it's not like your mom's putting me up because she likes me, you know? I can't...do anything; I dropped out of high school, I've got no marketable skills--I mean, all I can really do is the mob. That's...the only tomorrow I can offer myself."

She went quiet, crying very different tears now. "I need you, Reno. I can't--I don't want to scare you away. With my sad stories and stupid fears, my bad dreams and haunting shadows... I don't want to live like that, Reno--because I know I'll die like that, in some back alley with a bullet in my head if I'm lucky. I don't have the power to be anything else." Her cheek pressed against his chest and she just clung to him. "It's...scary as shit, love. I don't think I could keep my head above water without you giving me your tomorrows." She brushed a gentle kiss across the crook of his neck. "Maybe it's cuz I know I can't make it on my own. Maybe I'm overcompensating, trying to be stronger to make up for it."

[cynicalnevada]

"Look, babe, whenever tomorrow decides to run out, there's nothing I can do about that," he admitted frankly, "but I promise you it won't run out because the cartel decides so, yo. They took your parents, they took my aunt, they're not taking you or Elena from me, do you understand?" He shook her shoulders once, gently, firmly. "Do you?" he asked again, his voice fierce. "I don't care what sort of marketable skills you have or that you dropped out of school--I care about you, Tifa, and that won't change because of what is or isn't on your fucking resumé."

He tightened his arms around her, suddenly a little scared, like he feared she would just wish herself out of existence at this rate. "My mom does like you, Tif," he assured her. "You really think she woulda taken you out to a spa and insisted on buying you fancy new clothes if she didn't? She thinks you're awesome...probably because she knows I do." He chuckled almost desperately. "I'm not letting you go, Tifa," he assured her. "I'll give you tomorrows as long as I can, yo, because I don't wanna have 'em if you're not part of 'em, yanno? It's like I didn't really know anything before I met you. I was a stupid spoiled kid who didn't know what life was really about. And now...now I'm a lot stronger, yo."

He leaned back and took her chin in one hand. "And I have you to thank for it, yo," he concluded. "So...no more nightmares about dying alone, yah? Because I'm not about to let you die on my watch. You don't have to be strong all by yourself, yanno... We can be stronger together than either of us can be alone."