Polled Opinion
I know I have complained and posted about my parents before, but I thought I will polled some opinions again.
My parents stopped by earlier this month for a visit. Technically, I did not ask them to. They kind of invited themselves over. I didn't think it was a hot idea since everytime my parents and I were under the same roof, there was always a lot of tension going on. On top of that, it is a 5 and 1/2 hour drive at the very best from Atlanta to Mobile. Both of my parents have some back problems and can't sit for too long. My dad is the only one who can drive, but his eyes are not too hot either due to his glaucoma. I am really not too thrilled with them driving down here. Then there is the fact that I have a really boring life and there is nothing down here to do. At least, not that I know of.
But since telling them no will just creat a bigger problem, I told them to stop by.
Well, I guess I pissed them off so much that they decided to leave a day earlier than planned.
Turned out, as suspected, my parents were not happy with the fact that Lewis did not call my mom and dad "mom" and "dad" when they arrived. They were also not happy that I have never invited them down to Mobile ever since my move (we also didn't invite Lewis' family). In addition, my parents took offense that I suggested that we might want to wait til around 2pm or so before hitting the seafood restaurant on Saturday to avoid a big crowd. Overall, they think I just don't care about them anymore. I am too cold blooded and too distant. And they want me to reflect on everything they have done for me and what I have failed to do. Now, my mom is apparently disappointed with me enough that she wants to just head back to Taiwan.
Well, first of all, I have to say that I see it coming. The older and more independent I get, the more tension there is between my parents and me. As I get older and perhaps got more Americanized, I guess I start to form ideas and opinions that deviates more and more from the traditional Chinese teachings and what my parents expect from me. More and more, I want to be able to make my own decision; to be able to have some breathing room without reporting everything to them; and to be treated more like an adult rather than, well, a 5 year old.
We also have very different ideas of how to show our affections. I am of the opinions that since I am grown and financially independent and capable of having an independent life, their job is done. So it is now time for them to finally go and enjoy all the things that they used to deprive themselves of for my benefit. They can now go travel, do whatever they want to do, enjoy life, and not worry about their daughter. As such, I tried to encourage them to go out and, well, do stuff. But they want to be with me. They expect me to ask them to be close to me, to hang around me, and to constantly express how much I miss them. Well, I am really not that type of person. I am sorry. I can never be that type of person. I am too independent. Besides, why will I want to torture them by constantly having them drive 5 and 1/2 hours just to come and visit me? It is not like I never go back to Atlanta ever again.
Then there is the real issue that my parents and I have very different opinions about what's a normal life style. A typically weekend when I am off usually starts with me waking up by he puppies around 6am, feed them, then crash on the sectional for 4 hours or so with the puppies before I am fully awake. My parents HATED that. They had issues with me when I was a student. They still have issues with me doing that now that I am working, probably because by going back to sleep, I showed how much I don't respect them and didn't want to entertain them. They also disagree on a lot of other things I do, from what we eat or don't eat for breakfast to whether or not we should wash the glasses in the sink right then and there.
Another point of tension is how much I tell, or don't tell my parents. Ever since becoming a neurology resident, I have been having issues. Major issues. Big enough issues that I almost quit. But I cannot tell any of my problems to my parents for several reasons. First, they are really happy that I have a stable job and working my way up a stable profession. By being a doctor, I practically guaranteed that I will always have a great income and life style for the rest of my life. Hence any thoughts of unhappiness and wanting to quit is me being stupid, period. Two, they have a tendency to worry, and then to solve the problems Chinese style. If I told them there is a problem, any problem, they will not settle into just listen and let me deal with it. Their love for me will make them start calling me every 30 minutes to either try to talk me out of my "problems" or "concerns" or try to minimize my issues for me. And frankly, that's not something I want to deal with at all. I got enough problems without my parents trying to tell me how much my issues make them worry and how insignificant my issues are. And I most definitely do not want to hear that every 30 minutes or so. I know they mean well, but that, again, is not the way to make me feel better. As a result, I feel that there are less and less things I can talk to them about. Most of the things that concerns me are either me being stupid or childish. But my life is just not colorful enough to have a 40 minute conversation with my parents about everyday.
Finally, as for the fact that Lewis doesn't call me parents mom and dad. I am not sure how the typical Americans are, but somehow Lewis doesn't strike me as a guy who will call anybody besides his parents "mom" and "dad". His parents died at a rather young age, and I think they both held a special place in his heart. As a result, I think he reserves the term mom and dad for his parents only. While I understand that my parents want to know that Lewis respect them and thank them for raise and educate me, I also respect my husband's wishes to reserve the term for his own parents. Besides, he is just not the type of guy to dwell on the terms. In his opinion, calling somebody a certain way does not necessarily equates to respect and gratitude. Vice versa, not calling somebody a certain way also does not mean not caring about the person.
I don't think any of us are necessarily "wrong" in this whole fiasco. But I really do not want to make my parents feel like I have abandoned them. I also feels a very deep sense of defeat and helplessness since I have obviously somehow made the matter worse and worse because I seem to have distant myself from them, being ungrateful for everything they have done, and not "care" about them at all. Maybe this is all a sense of guilt prompting me to seek others to justify my horrible behaviors and actions. Or maybe this is just a way for me to displace the blame away from me onto others. But if anybody has any good idea on how to make things better, let me know!
My parents stopped by earlier this month for a visit. Technically, I did not ask them to. They kind of invited themselves over. I didn't think it was a hot idea since everytime my parents and I were under the same roof, there was always a lot of tension going on. On top of that, it is a 5 and 1/2 hour drive at the very best from Atlanta to Mobile. Both of my parents have some back problems and can't sit for too long. My dad is the only one who can drive, but his eyes are not too hot either due to his glaucoma. I am really not too thrilled with them driving down here. Then there is the fact that I have a really boring life and there is nothing down here to do. At least, not that I know of.
But since telling them no will just creat a bigger problem, I told them to stop by.
Well, I guess I pissed them off so much that they decided to leave a day earlier than planned.
Turned out, as suspected, my parents were not happy with the fact that Lewis did not call my mom and dad "mom" and "dad" when they arrived. They were also not happy that I have never invited them down to Mobile ever since my move (we also didn't invite Lewis' family). In addition, my parents took offense that I suggested that we might want to wait til around 2pm or so before hitting the seafood restaurant on Saturday to avoid a big crowd. Overall, they think I just don't care about them anymore. I am too cold blooded and too distant. And they want me to reflect on everything they have done for me and what I have failed to do. Now, my mom is apparently disappointed with me enough that she wants to just head back to Taiwan.
Well, first of all, I have to say that I see it coming. The older and more independent I get, the more tension there is between my parents and me. As I get older and perhaps got more Americanized, I guess I start to form ideas and opinions that deviates more and more from the traditional Chinese teachings and what my parents expect from me. More and more, I want to be able to make my own decision; to be able to have some breathing room without reporting everything to them; and to be treated more like an adult rather than, well, a 5 year old.
We also have very different ideas of how to show our affections. I am of the opinions that since I am grown and financially independent and capable of having an independent life, their job is done. So it is now time for them to finally go and enjoy all the things that they used to deprive themselves of for my benefit. They can now go travel, do whatever they want to do, enjoy life, and not worry about their daughter. As such, I tried to encourage them to go out and, well, do stuff. But they want to be with me. They expect me to ask them to be close to me, to hang around me, and to constantly express how much I miss them. Well, I am really not that type of person. I am sorry. I can never be that type of person. I am too independent. Besides, why will I want to torture them by constantly having them drive 5 and 1/2 hours just to come and visit me? It is not like I never go back to Atlanta ever again.
Then there is the real issue that my parents and I have very different opinions about what's a normal life style. A typically weekend when I am off usually starts with me waking up by he puppies around 6am, feed them, then crash on the sectional for 4 hours or so with the puppies before I am fully awake. My parents HATED that. They had issues with me when I was a student. They still have issues with me doing that now that I am working, probably because by going back to sleep, I showed how much I don't respect them and didn't want to entertain them. They also disagree on a lot of other things I do, from what we eat or don't eat for breakfast to whether or not we should wash the glasses in the sink right then and there.
Another point of tension is how much I tell, or don't tell my parents. Ever since becoming a neurology resident, I have been having issues. Major issues. Big enough issues that I almost quit. But I cannot tell any of my problems to my parents for several reasons. First, they are really happy that I have a stable job and working my way up a stable profession. By being a doctor, I practically guaranteed that I will always have a great income and life style for the rest of my life. Hence any thoughts of unhappiness and wanting to quit is me being stupid, period. Two, they have a tendency to worry, and then to solve the problems Chinese style. If I told them there is a problem, any problem, they will not settle into just listen and let me deal with it. Their love for me will make them start calling me every 30 minutes to either try to talk me out of my "problems" or "concerns" or try to minimize my issues for me. And frankly, that's not something I want to deal with at all. I got enough problems without my parents trying to tell me how much my issues make them worry and how insignificant my issues are. And I most definitely do not want to hear that every 30 minutes or so. I know they mean well, but that, again, is not the way to make me feel better. As a result, I feel that there are less and less things I can talk to them about. Most of the things that concerns me are either me being stupid or childish. But my life is just not colorful enough to have a 40 minute conversation with my parents about everyday.
Finally, as for the fact that Lewis doesn't call me parents mom and dad. I am not sure how the typical Americans are, but somehow Lewis doesn't strike me as a guy who will call anybody besides his parents "mom" and "dad". His parents died at a rather young age, and I think they both held a special place in his heart. As a result, I think he reserves the term mom and dad for his parents only. While I understand that my parents want to know that Lewis respect them and thank them for raise and educate me, I also respect my husband's wishes to reserve the term for his own parents. Besides, he is just not the type of guy to dwell on the terms. In his opinion, calling somebody a certain way does not necessarily equates to respect and gratitude. Vice versa, not calling somebody a certain way also does not mean not caring about the person.
I don't think any of us are necessarily "wrong" in this whole fiasco. But I really do not want to make my parents feel like I have abandoned them. I also feels a very deep sense of defeat and helplessness since I have obviously somehow made the matter worse and worse because I seem to have distant myself from them, being ungrateful for everything they have done, and not "care" about them at all. Maybe this is all a sense of guilt prompting me to seek others to justify my horrible behaviors and actions. Or maybe this is just a way for me to displace the blame away from me onto others. But if anybody has any good idea on how to make things better, let me know!