(no subject)
It's been a long period of time since I posted anything here. Heck. It's been a while since I actually checked my friends page.
Not that anybody reads this anyway. This is for my own personal comfort, so it's generally 'meh'.
Anyhow, thesis, as far as I know, is finally over. Got the results. Finished the manuscript. Lost 25 pounds over two weeks (Mental note: best weight loss program ever is doing a thesis).
Apart from that, I guess, the whole academic portion of my undergraduate life is over. I recieved all of my grades. Submitted all of my requirements and whatnot.
All that's left are the stuff we need to do to graduate: clearances, sablay, costume, whatever. Who ever said that after thesis, the rest is smooth sailing? That person LIED.
~~
I calculated my GWA. It leaves a distinctly bitter taste in my mouth. I know it's wholly my fault, I guess. Nothing is a coincidence, everything is decided by fate? Or is everything a chain reaction of coincidences, order caused by chaos? I try to make sense of it, but it still ends up with it being my fault as to why I'm not graduating cum laude. Almost made it too.
It's not that I'm so affected by the fact that I'm not graduating cum laude. I've already steeled myself to the likelihood of that event. What makes me sick is the fact that if I only had a small change in how I did things, I would have made it.
No, I don't regret not being able to graduate cum laude. What I regret is that it was perfectly within my capabilities, and let it slip. I know full well that I am never (or rather, no longer) able to utilize the full extent of what I'm capable of, but to know that within the limits of my under-performing, slacker work ethics, I could have given a little more effort and gotten that one step up...
Ah fuck it all.
~~
During the thesis crunch period, I felt myself breaking. Breaking how, I can't pinpoint back then. I just knew I was. Presumably, it was just being overloaded by your thesis, in general. I now realized what it was. I was losing myself beyond my thesis, or rather, my academics. It was a drastic adaptation to that god-forsaken pressure during the last few weeks. Now, that pressure's gone, that figurative crushing force was lifted. And now, so accustomed(?) to having such a burden, you float up. People mistakenly dub this as freedom... but you're just floating. You can't even go where you want, especially if you don't even know where you want to go.
That's how I feel right now.
So now, I think, a proper soul-searching is in order. I don't write like I used to (I learned that sadly earlier this academic year), I don't draw like I used to (again, discovered that this year. Sorry, Scientia). I'm weaker than when I was in first year highschool. I've lost whatever enhanced observation and perception skills I had before. And now, I don't even know what I want to do. I don't even know how I feel, emotionally.
I don't want to proceed to further studies yet. I'm not rested enough, enthusiastic enough, or determined enough to do so. I'm not sure I want to work yet. I probably will, though.
What I'm sure of is that I want a hell lot of fiction books, and a hell lot of DVDs.
But then, still. Soul-searching leaves one a bit too lonely at times.
Not that anybody reads this anyway. This is for my own personal comfort, so it's generally 'meh'.
Anyhow, thesis, as far as I know, is finally over. Got the results. Finished the manuscript. Lost 25 pounds over two weeks (Mental note: best weight loss program ever is doing a thesis).
Apart from that, I guess, the whole academic portion of my undergraduate life is over. I recieved all of my grades. Submitted all of my requirements and whatnot.
All that's left are the stuff we need to do to graduate: clearances, sablay, costume, whatever. Who ever said that after thesis, the rest is smooth sailing? That person LIED.
~~
I calculated my GWA. It leaves a distinctly bitter taste in my mouth. I know it's wholly my fault, I guess. Nothing is a coincidence, everything is decided by fate? Or is everything a chain reaction of coincidences, order caused by chaos? I try to make sense of it, but it still ends up with it being my fault as to why I'm not graduating cum laude. Almost made it too.
It's not that I'm so affected by the fact that I'm not graduating cum laude. I've already steeled myself to the likelihood of that event. What makes me sick is the fact that if I only had a small change in how I did things, I would have made it.
No, I don't regret not being able to graduate cum laude. What I regret is that it was perfectly within my capabilities, and let it slip. I know full well that I am never (or rather, no longer) able to utilize the full extent of what I'm capable of, but to know that within the limits of my under-performing, slacker work ethics, I could have given a little more effort and gotten that one step up...
Ah fuck it all.
~~
During the thesis crunch period, I felt myself breaking. Breaking how, I can't pinpoint back then. I just knew I was. Presumably, it was just being overloaded by your thesis, in general. I now realized what it was. I was losing myself beyond my thesis, or rather, my academics. It was a drastic adaptation to that god-forsaken pressure during the last few weeks. Now, that pressure's gone, that figurative crushing force was lifted. And now, so accustomed(?) to having such a burden, you float up. People mistakenly dub this as freedom... but you're just floating. You can't even go where you want, especially if you don't even know where you want to go.
That's how I feel right now.
So now, I think, a proper soul-searching is in order. I don't write like I used to (I learned that sadly earlier this academic year), I don't draw like I used to (again, discovered that this year. Sorry, Scientia). I'm weaker than when I was in first year highschool. I've lost whatever enhanced observation and perception skills I had before. And now, I don't even know what I want to do. I don't even know how I feel, emotionally.
I don't want to proceed to further studies yet. I'm not rested enough, enthusiastic enough, or determined enough to do so. I'm not sure I want to work yet. I probably will, though.
What I'm sure of is that I want a hell lot of fiction books, and a hell lot of DVDs.
But then, still. Soul-searching leaves one a bit too lonely at times.