Goodbye to you..
Yeah. My mom is on the phone again. I hate it. She always complains that im on the phone for forever but shes on longer than i am. I mean the only time im ever on the phone is if angela calls or i need to ask ravin something. Idk. Its pointless. Today was soo..idk. I've been up since 5. I couldnt sleep too much on my mind. Get to that later. Watched the rest of south park season 4 that i had started last night. Then watcehd some Dawsons creek. Left at like 830 and got some breakfast. Mother felt the need to do a weeks worth of grocery shopping. Got home and undid all that. She made me do laundry and clean my room. Then i made my cake. That i realized i couldnt eat after i was halfway done because it was made out of dark chocolate. Nice one Britney. Left at like 1230 or maybe earlier to go somewhere with mom and paula. We ended up going to the parky thing. Walked for like an hour and a half. That was the time of my life. Went to McDonalds for like the first time in 12 years. Then came home and here i am. Showered. Did my math homework. Made dinner. And yeah. I just realized after typing all this out that i ate 3 meals today. Surprising.Oh yay. Mother is off the phone and now i get to conect to the little internet and stare at a bunch of screen names of people that dont talk to me. Poiiintlesss. Blah not like anyone is on anyway. Be lah. Therapy this week. Yippie. It used to help. Probably before my mom started getting into the whole thing of how its costing her too much money. Now i just feel like my problems arent really that bad when you have to repeat them out loud to someone. I sound so fucking stupid. Going on about how i feel like my mom hates me and how we have a mutual feeling on that. Or how i constantly get jealous of all of my friends and the only reason i ever want a boyfriend is so i actually feel like someone cares about me. Oh yeah. I dont sound like a total retard. Whats more stupid is that i put a link to my journal right in my info. So anyone out of boredom could be reading this. Coolness all the way. Idk maybe i should stop it. I mean its not the easiest thing to go there once a week or two or whatever and like just start naming every problem that goes on in my pathetic little life and have her give me her opinion on it her have her just stare at me like shes thinking about whats she wants at Dunkin Donuts when this stupid little 15 year old with annoying little problems leaves. Well its not her fault. Why should she care about me. Well we care paying her to care. But i guess she doesnt really have to. Would be nice. But not likely. Maybe i should just go back to being all emo and crying all the time. I complain enough. At least i felt somewhat comfortable with myself. I wasnt happy obviously. But i knew that i was Britney. Stupid little girl that wore too much black, and too much eyeliner, and listened to gay music, and goes around like shes ready to chop everyones head off that goes near her. It would be better than this little act that im putting on where i pretend to be happy. Its annoying to keep hearing my mother tell me that i choose how my day will turn out. If i go in with a bad attitude then i will have a bad day. Well you know what mom. My life sucks no matter if i look like im ready to punch someone or i hug them on sight and give them a flower. Im tired of hearing. 'Dont let people affect your emotions.' 'People shouldnt control your emotions.' 'You can control what happens in your life' Well fuck that. My life has sucked for the past 4 years. And before that i was kidd and the wrost thing that could of happened was that i forgot to turn in my money for lunch on monday. I hate freaking out over the dumbest things. But dr. Mom would say, 'You can control those things Britney'. Well obviously i missed that subject in school. How to fucking control what bothers you. Not to mention my self confidence is barely existent . i walk into school feeling like im the ugliest thing that could have step foot there. And the people i go to school with dont make me feel any better. Im surrounded by sluts and immature little boys. So why should i care what they think. Well its not like i have anyone else to think about. Im just surrounded by those poor excuses for human beings and my mother. And thats all i'll be surrounded by for the next year and like 9 months. And then i can leeeeeaveee. Finally. 'But no dont run away from your problems britney. Because they'll just follow you there' Yeah like a fucking puppy. Im very frustrated. Not like you couldnt tell. I hate being like this. I hate feeling like i have no friends. Even though i know i do. But when i need them whos there. When im freaking out like a complete psycho. Whos there? My fucking rabbit?. My mother who i wouldnt tell the time. I mean what good is a friend if when im going psycho and need to talk to them they're not there. And that is why i want a boyfriend. Because i have the really random moments, where i just freak out completely. And theres like this little part of me that thinks oh maybe if i have some stupid boy that acts half his age pretend to be my boyfriend and care about maybe i wont get like this. But of course what good are boys. They might be nice for the first few months. But they'll just break up with you or cheat on you or something. And then theres those lucky people who have those boyfriends that they dont seem to fight with. Or that seem to do everything right. And they buy each other little gifts and write little notes. And i get so freaking jealous. I hate being jealous. Sometimes i can control it and theres other times where i just want to throw somebody into a wall. I hate hearing how that girl is hott or whatever and then i just stand there like wow am i that freaking disgusting that not even some stupid excuse for a guy could think im somewhat good looking. But of course not. Why would anyone think im pretty. Im Britney. Almost forgot. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGH. I 150% hate being like this. But unlike everyone keeps telling me. I CANT FUCKING CONTROL IT. And i know that at this time tomorrow when im straightening my annoying hair i wont feel like this anymore. Tragic. Spend like 25 minutes typing out a journal entry that i wont even apply to me in 24 hours. Blah. Im sure i have an entry like this like a few weeks ago. Idk. Im sorry to whoever reads this. Im sorry for being a loser. Who has no confidence and thinks they;re ugly. And im sorry if your my friend. Im really sorry you have to deal with me.