(no subject)
Still feeling the stagnant ache. Don't know how much I can take. Want to be rid of this feeling but more so the memories. I hesitate to come clean about anything because no one accepts me fully. Maybe I'm just paranoid, which I should thank her for. I hate her and it's killing me. I want it to go away but it will likely inoculate me to love for some time. And worse still I see her repeating the same old mistakes again and now I don't have any motivation to hinder her self-destruction. I cry myself to sleep knowing we might have been right together but we're both to blame because neither one of us really feels bad for what we did to the other. I'll never speak to her again and it is the best and worst feeling I've ever felt at both extremes. Makes me sick to think of how long we clung to that sinking vessel. Wasn't all bad. Nothing ever is. Doesn't mean I don't revile every second of it and every fiber of the being that shared in this farce of love with me.
Don't know how the current sitch is proceeding but I'm rubbish at reading girls, tenfold when I like them. I keep positive and have faith she wants to see where we go together but we're both terrified of ruining a long standing friendship so we're both hesitant to push any action. I try to know when to take the initiative, be it holding her hand or asking her to dinner. Regardless of what's happening beyond my insecurity, I keep trying because I know that past the doubt is the prospect that someone who might accept me completely has been under my nose this whole time. I am committed to doing this one right. So if I quit smoking all of the sudden please support me. She kind of makes me want more out of myself, which is weird because it's always the people who like you for you that make you want to improve yourself. Still I try not to get too involved emotionally given both our apprehension towards dating a friend and the fact we've both been royally screwed by our immediate exes. Simply put, she is special enough to savor the little developments and not grow anxious. Holding hands is small but it fills me up right now.
Wow, I actually updated. Umm. yeah. I guess in closing I'd say if anyone sees my ex, tell her she's evil made flesh. Seriously, decay incarnate. A real knee biter.
Don't know how the current sitch is proceeding but I'm rubbish at reading girls, tenfold when I like them. I keep positive and have faith she wants to see where we go together but we're both terrified of ruining a long standing friendship so we're both hesitant to push any action. I try to know when to take the initiative, be it holding her hand or asking her to dinner. Regardless of what's happening beyond my insecurity, I keep trying because I know that past the doubt is the prospect that someone who might accept me completely has been under my nose this whole time. I am committed to doing this one right. So if I quit smoking all of the sudden please support me. She kind of makes me want more out of myself, which is weird because it's always the people who like you for you that make you want to improve yourself. Still I try not to get too involved emotionally given both our apprehension towards dating a friend and the fact we've both been royally screwed by our immediate exes. Simply put, she is special enough to savor the little developments and not grow anxious. Holding hands is small but it fills me up right now.
Wow, I actually updated. Umm. yeah. I guess in closing I'd say if anyone sees my ex, tell her she's evil made flesh. Seriously, decay incarnate. A real knee biter.