(no subject)
i cant even write anymore.
i just tried to sit down and write something and i just cant do it.
I looked at old journal entries and i dont recognize that person
Something inside me is fucking DEAD.
I need fucking HELP.
Is the only thing really left for me is to be fucked up on one substance or another to alleviate this bullshit pain? I cant fight it alone. I just cant. Ive tried and failed. MISERABLY. And maybe not even Illegal/illicit substances...im also talking about the shit the fucking doctors throw at you...i dont want it. I wont fucking take it unless you can give me a pill that will flat out painlessly kill me.
I feel so backed into a corner and i dont know what to do or how to do it.
when i called that hotline earlier the woman made me "promise if i got to feeling this way again i would call back" fuck it...It did nothing for me...I feel like its just a little extra life support to extend the life of an already pretty much dead person.
I told my mother a week ago that i knew what was eventually going to happen to me, and i still do, some day im going to finally get past my fears..or maybe ill just plain say fuck it..but ill finally off myself. Its inevitable. I have a sickness that nothing is ever going to cure, and any kind of "fix" thats been tried is just a temporary solution to something thats going to always come back, most likely worse than before. Its something eating away at my soul....fuck i dont even feel like i have a soul anymore...I used to be so moved by music, i used to live for it and now it doesnt even move me like it did...I used to love making people laugh but now i can barely find the strength to smile. I remember one time we were all in walmart and i was saying some bullshit phrase in mock german to annoy people..i remember rolling down hills in barrels...fuck i remember being happy, actually having a fucking soul. If getting old means turning into this...fuck it i dont want to get old. I want to die young. The thing that bothers me alot is...I KNOW IT CAN GET WORSE THAN THIS. And its going to. Its just going to keep getting worse and worse and worse till...i dont know.
I talked to a friend a while back about the end of the world and how thats all we really have left to look forward to...he wants to fight it...I just want it to happen so we all are just...gone. Each and every one of us. I used to think there was so much beauty in this world but there isint.
I used to think people were good.
they arent.
I used to think alot of things that werent really true.
it was all fairy tales and movie bullshit.
No one has a happy ending, no one rides into the sunset.
There isint anything such as love..its just something we make up in our minds to express how certian chemicals make us feel....its not magic.
We all suffer, it just varies how much we handle it, and im simply not cut out for it.
Im pissed how much i was lied to...I want my refund. I want my 23 years back. I wish i could have spent them as a tree, as a fucking drop of water in the ocean, as a microorganism riding on the back of a whale...anything but being a fucking human.
i just tried to sit down and write something and i just cant do it.
I looked at old journal entries and i dont recognize that person
Something inside me is fucking DEAD.
I need fucking HELP.
Is the only thing really left for me is to be fucked up on one substance or another to alleviate this bullshit pain? I cant fight it alone. I just cant. Ive tried and failed. MISERABLY. And maybe not even Illegal/illicit substances...im also talking about the shit the fucking doctors throw at you...i dont want it. I wont fucking take it unless you can give me a pill that will flat out painlessly kill me.
I feel so backed into a corner and i dont know what to do or how to do it.
when i called that hotline earlier the woman made me "promise if i got to feeling this way again i would call back" fuck it...It did nothing for me...I feel like its just a little extra life support to extend the life of an already pretty much dead person.
I told my mother a week ago that i knew what was eventually going to happen to me, and i still do, some day im going to finally get past my fears..or maybe ill just plain say fuck it..but ill finally off myself. Its inevitable. I have a sickness that nothing is ever going to cure, and any kind of "fix" thats been tried is just a temporary solution to something thats going to always come back, most likely worse than before. Its something eating away at my soul....fuck i dont even feel like i have a soul anymore...I used to be so moved by music, i used to live for it and now it doesnt even move me like it did...I used to love making people laugh but now i can barely find the strength to smile. I remember one time we were all in walmart and i was saying some bullshit phrase in mock german to annoy people..i remember rolling down hills in barrels...fuck i remember being happy, actually having a fucking soul. If getting old means turning into this...fuck it i dont want to get old. I want to die young. The thing that bothers me alot is...I KNOW IT CAN GET WORSE THAN THIS. And its going to. Its just going to keep getting worse and worse and worse till...i dont know.
I talked to a friend a while back about the end of the world and how thats all we really have left to look forward to...he wants to fight it...I just want it to happen so we all are just...gone. Each and every one of us. I used to think there was so much beauty in this world but there isint.
I used to think people were good.
they arent.
I used to think alot of things that werent really true.
it was all fairy tales and movie bullshit.
No one has a happy ending, no one rides into the sunset.
There isint anything such as love..its just something we make up in our minds to express how certian chemicals make us feel....its not magic.
We all suffer, it just varies how much we handle it, and im simply not cut out for it.
Im pissed how much i was lied to...I want my refund. I want my 23 years back. I wish i could have spent them as a tree, as a fucking drop of water in the ocean, as a microorganism riding on the back of a whale...anything but being a fucking human.