A good place
So today, I realized that sometimes, it's the little decisions that make you feel like your life is complete. Sure the big decisions decide where your life goes in big turns but the little sways count for the ride too. This weekend has been a series of those good little decisions and I think I've been able to build up some self-esteem and a little more security about myself and about what I'm meant to do in life. Maybe it's just a hormonal thing, but for now I'd like to believe that I have secretly and quietly come to some kind of grand epiphany that is going to allow me to live the rest of my life in peace, calm and in a way that makes me happy no matter what happens.
That's not to say that I don't want to be sad. Maybe it's because I've been kind of down for a while that I can truly appreciate this high. I think productivity has a lot to do with it and not getting up super late in the day and going to sleep super late helps too. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right and doing the right things usually makes people feel good. So that's where I am right now and I hope to be able to keep this up. But if I want to keep this up, I shouldn't be posting this entry in the first place, probably should be doing some work and all that nonsense.
On the downside, I am getting a little anxious about this summer. I feel like I should get an internship or at least go somewhere to learn rather than go back home and just rot in my house again. I need to start working on resumes and all that junk, so I'm a little nervous about that. Probably should make an appointment for sometime this week to go in and start thinking about stuff like that.
The future always gets into the way of the present, doesn't it.
How do people figure out how to live in the present? What is the present if there is no idea of the future? What I am doing now satisfies my immediate needs but what are those immediate needs if not to serve some higher and larger purpose in the grand scheme of things? And in order to believe that there is a grand scheme, you have to believe in the future. If you know the future exists, how can you not care about it? Living in the present seems like an idealized version of life to me, so I might have to skip out on that one just because I can't fathom how to do it. If anyone has a simple answer, please enlighten me. It would probably make my life a hell of a lot easier and fun.
In the meantime, I should go keep making myself feel better by studying and doing some work. Does that mean I'm sadistic?
I'm out for now but I'll be back soon enough. Hopefully not to complain.
That's not to say that I don't want to be sad. Maybe it's because I've been kind of down for a while that I can truly appreciate this high. I think productivity has a lot to do with it and not getting up super late in the day and going to sleep super late helps too. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right and doing the right things usually makes people feel good. So that's where I am right now and I hope to be able to keep this up. But if I want to keep this up, I shouldn't be posting this entry in the first place, probably should be doing some work and all that nonsense.
On the downside, I am getting a little anxious about this summer. I feel like I should get an internship or at least go somewhere to learn rather than go back home and just rot in my house again. I need to start working on resumes and all that junk, so I'm a little nervous about that. Probably should make an appointment for sometime this week to go in and start thinking about stuff like that.
The future always gets into the way of the present, doesn't it.
How do people figure out how to live in the present? What is the present if there is no idea of the future? What I am doing now satisfies my immediate needs but what are those immediate needs if not to serve some higher and larger purpose in the grand scheme of things? And in order to believe that there is a grand scheme, you have to believe in the future. If you know the future exists, how can you not care about it? Living in the present seems like an idealized version of life to me, so I might have to skip out on that one just because I can't fathom how to do it. If anyone has a simple answer, please enlighten me. It would probably make my life a hell of a lot easier and fun.
In the meantime, I should go keep making myself feel better by studying and doing some work. Does that mean I'm sadistic?
I'm out for now but I'll be back soon enough. Hopefully not to complain.