Touch
Haha, since I dunno who would actually read to the bottom of this long post, I wanted to know
Is there anyone who would like to have my cell number? Anyone who, obviously, doesn't have it already, and all. 'cause.. yeah. People can have it, if they want to randomly call me sometime. I'm cool with that. Or even text. I don't care much about texting, but free/unlimited texts IS on my phone.
Anyway.
I woke up at 8 this morning, after going to sleep at... somewhere between midnight and 2am. So that I could go take my final for computer class at 8:30. Took me not quite even half an hour to do. Haha. So I was back in bed by 9. I liiike sleep.
Too bad I always end up thinking of things that I'd like to write down, when I'm laying in bed and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed and fall asleep.
..And for a random interruption, my roommate and her..fiance/whatever are amusing to listen to. Uh, back to regularly schedule programming the previous and ongoing topic!
Where was I?
Ah yes, thoughts. Always coming at a bad time, you know. Never when you really need them. Hah.
While laying in bed with my thoughts this morning, I was somewhat reminded of a song. "I'll Keep Your Memory Vague" by Finger Eleven.
This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do
But I would never want to come between us two
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here
Because the moments I can feel you near
They keep you close to me my dear
And if they ever become too clear...
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Now you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Ahh... Mainly it was the title doing the reminding. I like the song, and others by the band. (Music video for "Paralyzer" is kinda awesome IMO)
I was thinking about relationships - mostly past. I dunno, random I guess.
I feel, sometimes, like I don't know what it is to be in an actual physical (I don't mean sexual specifically) relationship. Even though I've been in.. well.. one. ..and a half? three-quarters?
Well, there was Johnny. Which was not much more than just talking, ever, for about half the time it lasted.
Kyle, never quite made it to true relationship status, but the few times we saw each other there was hugging and kissing once or twice? I think just once. And standing around outside with other people and him leaning against a vehicle and me in front of and leaning against him and his arms around me. It was nice... Going over the memories now... I remember that it felt safe in his arms, while I recall that at the same time I felt/knew that if he ever wanted to hurt me, he'd probably be able to. He was... He had muscle, just seemed strong. I was aware that he had the capability of being scary. I never felt that way with Johnny. XD
And Mark. A weekend that made me go, "Oh.. so this is what an in person relationship can feel like?! ..I want :/"
Which, yeah. I have a relationship. I'm happy about being with Gilead. But there's the whole not actually being with aspect of it, still.
I guess its not right to say that I don't know what is to be in a relationship where one can actually hug and touch the other person. It's more like over time it starts seeming like an abstract idea to me. The memories become vague (hence the connection with the song), of what it.. feels like to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to hang out with period. Even though I know and have experienced it, its like I might as well have been watching scenes from a movie.
I guess I want more than to just remember the event, or what my emotions and thoughts were, but what it actually felt like. textures, the press of an arm around your back or a hand resting on your stomach. I have this thing about textures and such, anyway. I like to touch walls, desks, figurines, pictures, doors, my computer. clothes. There's something sort of fascinating about how different things feel to your fingertips. And I wish texture and touch and all that was something that was easier remembered. But it gets lost somewhere. I can't associate it and I wish I could.
If I wanted, I could imagine any number of scenarios (again, I'm not talking sexually) when Gilead comes to visit. And yet.. The whole idea of the visit, of being able to hug and kiss him, seems so abstract still. I know it will happen, but I can't seem to quite wrap my head around it. It seems like it won't really seem real that he's actually visiting me, until I see him at the airport. Who knows, maybe even all through the visit, I'll just end up randomly thinking "..he's actually here." I could easily see that happening.
I'm nervous. I'm excited and happy about this, but I'm nervous too. I'm afraid something will be awkward, and maybe not just at first. I don't anything to be awkward, at least past the initial. Most likely I'm thinking too much and everything will be fine. But that's how my mind seems to work. Oh, I wish the time between now and the 24th would pass by a little bit quicker.
A little less than 2 weeks at this point.
And, on a random note again.. I've been catching up on certain TV shows lately. Caught up on this season of Chuck, try to keep up on House..and started watching the Battlestar Galactica from 1978. XD I like scifi/space shows, and classic television..
I should also get to watching more of Torchwood and The Mentalist. I've only seen a couple of episodes of each. Which I enjoyed. >.< There's only so much time in the day!
And I got Gilead watching Pushing Daisies. ♥
And now I shall get some sleep. Hopefully I won't end up thinking too much while in bed.
Is there anyone who would like to have my cell number? Anyone who, obviously, doesn't have it already, and all. 'cause.. yeah. People can have it, if they want to randomly call me sometime. I'm cool with that. Or even text. I don't care much about texting, but free/unlimited texts IS on my phone.
Anyway.
I woke up at 8 this morning, after going to sleep at... somewhere between midnight and 2am. So that I could go take my final for computer class at 8:30. Took me not quite even half an hour to do. Haha. So I was back in bed by 9. I liiike sleep.
Too bad I always end up thinking of things that I'd like to write down, when I'm laying in bed and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed and fall asleep.
..And for a random interruption, my roommate and her..fiance/whatever are amusing to listen to. Uh, back to regularly schedule programming the previous and ongoing topic!
Where was I?
Ah yes, thoughts. Always coming at a bad time, you know. Never when you really need them. Hah.
While laying in bed with my thoughts this morning, I was somewhat reminded of a song. "I'll Keep Your Memory Vague" by Finger Eleven.
This won't break your heart
But I just think it could
Cause I haven't tried as hard as I should
To separate you from everything I do
But I would never want to come between us two
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Now I'm thinking back
To what I said before
I hope your heart won't have to hurt anymore
Cause it's really not that sad from here
Because the moments I can feel you near
They keep you close to me my dear
And if they ever become too clear...
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Now you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays
I'll keep your memory vague
So you won't feel bad about me
I'll say the things that you said
Sometimes so it reminds me
Ahh... Mainly it was the title doing the reminding. I like the song, and others by the band. (Music video for "Paralyzer" is kinda awesome IMO)
I was thinking about relationships - mostly past. I dunno, random I guess.
I feel, sometimes, like I don't know what it is to be in an actual physical (I don't mean sexual specifically) relationship. Even though I've been in.. well.. one. ..and a half? three-quarters?
Well, there was Johnny. Which was not much more than just talking, ever, for about half the time it lasted.
Kyle, never quite made it to true relationship status, but the few times we saw each other there was hugging and kissing once or twice? I think just once. And standing around outside with other people and him leaning against a vehicle and me in front of and leaning against him and his arms around me. It was nice... Going over the memories now... I remember that it felt safe in his arms, while I recall that at the same time I felt/knew that if he ever wanted to hurt me, he'd probably be able to. He was... He had muscle, just seemed strong. I was aware that he had the capability of being scary. I never felt that way with Johnny. XD
And Mark. A weekend that made me go, "Oh.. so this is what an in person relationship can feel like?! ..I want :/"
Which, yeah. I have a relationship. I'm happy about being with Gilead. But there's the whole not actually being with aspect of it, still.
I guess its not right to say that I don't know what is to be in a relationship where one can actually hug and touch the other person. It's more like over time it starts seeming like an abstract idea to me. The memories become vague (hence the connection with the song), of what it.. feels like to kiss, to hug, to cuddle, to hang out with period. Even though I know and have experienced it, its like I might as well have been watching scenes from a movie.
I guess I want more than to just remember the event, or what my emotions and thoughts were, but what it actually felt like. textures, the press of an arm around your back or a hand resting on your stomach. I have this thing about textures and such, anyway. I like to touch walls, desks, figurines, pictures, doors, my computer. clothes. There's something sort of fascinating about how different things feel to your fingertips. And I wish texture and touch and all that was something that was easier remembered. But it gets lost somewhere. I can't associate it and I wish I could.
If I wanted, I could imagine any number of scenarios (again, I'm not talking sexually) when Gilead comes to visit. And yet.. The whole idea of the visit, of being able to hug and kiss him, seems so abstract still. I know it will happen, but I can't seem to quite wrap my head around it. It seems like it won't really seem real that he's actually visiting me, until I see him at the airport. Who knows, maybe even all through the visit, I'll just end up randomly thinking "..he's actually here." I could easily see that happening.
I'm nervous. I'm excited and happy about this, but I'm nervous too. I'm afraid something will be awkward, and maybe not just at first. I don't anything to be awkward, at least past the initial. Most likely I'm thinking too much and everything will be fine. But that's how my mind seems to work. Oh, I wish the time between now and the 24th would pass by a little bit quicker.
A little less than 2 weeks at this point.
And, on a random note again.. I've been catching up on certain TV shows lately. Caught up on this season of Chuck, try to keep up on House..and started watching the Battlestar Galactica from 1978. XD I like scifi/space shows, and classic television..
I should also get to watching more of Torchwood and The Mentalist. I've only seen a couple of episodes of each. Which I enjoyed. >.< There's only so much time in the day!
And I got Gilead watching Pushing Daisies. ♥
And now I shall get some sleep. Hopefully I won't end up thinking too much while in bed.