Control: the Loss of
I feel like the girl in today's episode of Pushing Daisies, Chuck - holds random guy's hand and closes her eyes to pretend it's... er. whatshisname, the piemaker. Because they can't physically touch. Admittedly, the reasons are completely different but still... touch and you die, or can't touch 'cause of the physical distance? Meh, close enough for an analogy.
Spoke a little to Jason earlier this evening. 4 minutes, mention about his intentions to get a job and get a place of his own instead of living with cousins, and then me coming to live with him. Kinda made it sound a lot sooner than it... possibly actually could be, currently. lol
Anyway, he called back again later when the cell's were charged and explained better the time-frame he meant 'cause he thought he'd freaked me out a bit with the earlier conversation. Which led to 'how the fuck do I introduce my parents to, even the idea of us being in a relationship, let alone intentions for marriage and living together' I can't exactly up and say "hey mom, dad, I'm moving to live with Jason in (NY, GA, wherever it is he is at that point in time)" One, because I'm a coward and and afraid of how they might react (concern for my safety, worry about e-stalkers and internet-people-who-aren't-as-they-seem and scam artists and crazies, etc etc etc) Which would be perfectly understandable, but not something I wanna deal with even though I'll have to. I firmly believe it'd help our case alot if he could visit me and thereby meet them and maybe relax some of their potential worries. But who knows when that will be a viable option, either.
This does lead back to my introduction, eventually.
So anyway, the second time he calls we talk about 20 minutes. Eventually he mentions he should go back in and keep an eye on things and all and.... I cry. Which I hate, but its no surprise. I always try so much to keep it all out of my voice if I even get close.. and 6 times out of 10 I probably succeed, or well enough to get by. I hate being unable to control my emotions, even though I control it a lot more than I realise.
Point.. uh. I felt crappy for not getting to talk to him as much as I'd like, and then its like 'guilt!' 'cause he's had all this crap to deal with and I.. sit here and work and eat and sleep and get online and be utterly and completely normal and the most I have to complain about is not enough time with him and my inability to sleep in because of work and driving people places. I still get off the phone and cry more until I can regain composure and dry my face to go back downstairs. Truthfully only a few minutes between phone-call ending and Control reinstated.
And currently.. still meh. I want to be held, by him, but... like Chuck, just to have someone put their arms around me and hold me close, would be... really fucking nice. So tempting.
I flirt, mercilessly, with the people I'm comfortable with - those I know who know I don't mean much of anything serious about it. Maybe there's a little bit though. Just a smidgen and it worries me. I know its the distance getting to me, I've always been a touchy/clingy person so long distance sucks in the first place, but I'm okay as long as I have plenty of time, or moments of pseudo-intimacy. Of which there is neither.
Last time I had a non-platonic and/or family style hug was.... a year and... a half ago, pretty much. When was the last non-family hug I got, even? Hrm... probably a couple weeks ago even, or longer. Hah.
I dunno where I'm going with this anymore. I had things floating around in my head earlier but I didn't feel like typing then. Now I'm typing and I can't think. Also tired and I have to wake up at... well, pretty much around the same time I wake up every other day I guess, so not a big deal, eh?
... Weird. While typing, one of my fingertips feels weird. Like bending nail or .. I dunno. Haha.
Prolly think of other things when I lay down to sleep tonight, never fails. >_>
Spoke a little to Jason earlier this evening. 4 minutes, mention about his intentions to get a job and get a place of his own instead of living with cousins, and then me coming to live with him. Kinda made it sound a lot sooner than it... possibly actually could be, currently. lol
Anyway, he called back again later when the cell's were charged and explained better the time-frame he meant 'cause he thought he'd freaked me out a bit with the earlier conversation. Which led to 'how the fuck do I introduce my parents to, even the idea of us being in a relationship, let alone intentions for marriage and living together' I can't exactly up and say "hey mom, dad, I'm moving to live with Jason in (NY, GA, wherever it is he is at that point in time)" One, because I'm a coward and and afraid of how they might react (concern for my safety, worry about e-stalkers and internet-people-who-aren't-as-they-seem and scam artists and crazies, etc etc etc) Which would be perfectly understandable, but not something I wanna deal with even though I'll have to. I firmly believe it'd help our case alot if he could visit me and thereby meet them and maybe relax some of their potential worries. But who knows when that will be a viable option, either.
This does lead back to my introduction, eventually.
So anyway, the second time he calls we talk about 20 minutes. Eventually he mentions he should go back in and keep an eye on things and all and.... I cry. Which I hate, but its no surprise. I always try so much to keep it all out of my voice if I even get close.. and 6 times out of 10 I probably succeed, or well enough to get by. I hate being unable to control my emotions, even though I control it a lot more than I realise.
Point.. uh. I felt crappy for not getting to talk to him as much as I'd like, and then its like 'guilt!' 'cause he's had all this crap to deal with and I.. sit here and work and eat and sleep and get online and be utterly and completely normal and the most I have to complain about is not enough time with him and my inability to sleep in because of work and driving people places. I still get off the phone and cry more until I can regain composure and dry my face to go back downstairs. Truthfully only a few minutes between phone-call ending and Control reinstated.
And currently.. still meh. I want to be held, by him, but... like Chuck, just to have someone put their arms around me and hold me close, would be... really fucking nice. So tempting.
I flirt, mercilessly, with the people I'm comfortable with - those I know who know I don't mean much of anything serious about it. Maybe there's a little bit though. Just a smidgen and it worries me. I know its the distance getting to me, I've always been a touchy/clingy person so long distance sucks in the first place, but I'm okay as long as I have plenty of time, or moments of pseudo-intimacy. Of which there is neither.
Last time I had a non-platonic and/or family style hug was.... a year and... a half ago, pretty much. When was the last non-family hug I got, even? Hrm... probably a couple weeks ago even, or longer. Hah.
I dunno where I'm going with this anymore. I had things floating around in my head earlier but I didn't feel like typing then. Now I'm typing and I can't think. Also tired and I have to wake up at... well, pretty much around the same time I wake up every other day I guess, so not a big deal, eh?
... Weird. While typing, one of my fingertips feels weird. Like bending nail or .. I dunno. Haha.
Prolly think of other things when I lay down to sleep tonight, never fails. >_>