(no subject)
So to whoever it concerns...no one really, just documentaion of me. Something to do in the hours I can't sleep before mission. To me really. Well it turns out that just as I was freaking out over things going too fast and comitment, I find out he thinks that I am way more into him than I am. That's fine. I was just going with it, and it was fun. I liked showing affection, but it didn't mean I was picking out fucking china patterns. He really doesn't care very much. Hardly at all. But can you really blame him? There is nothing speacial inside me. Especially nothing special I expected him to find. This was a summer fling, I knew that, I thought he knew I knew that. But no, he had to go and think I was really falling hard for him and make me feel stupid for him thinking I was pathetic.
I knew that this would be like everything else. But this time I am not going to be hurt because I didn't invest. Why? Because I know not to invest in a crappy stock. Crappy stock=me. I know that there is nothing special in me for a guy to see. I know that I am not worth more than a make out session or a fling. If anything goes further than that it is just a bad idea because the guy will eventually realize that what he may have seen in me for a week or so really was nothing. I just don't have that thing most girls have that makes guys want to be with them. I mean really be with them. I am just not worth it. I'm not worth someone's real time, someone's real energy. Not because I won't be there for them, but because eventually, and usually quickly they will forget whatever initial attraction they had to me because I am just not good enough. And it pisses me off that even though I know this a guy doesn't see that I know this. Shove it in my fucking face. I'm not worth it, I know, you know, we all know. Don't worry, I didn't get my heart into it because I KNOW that you can't. Because I am the stupid Courtney. Always have been, always will be. I'm the one they are glad they are with now because they are not wasting a stupid relationship on a girl that deserves more. Because I don't. I know I don't. I never will. I have known this for over a year. Fuck romance. It will never happen for me. I never expected him to care, why the hell did he think I did?
I know that I don't deserve a good guy, I know that no one will ever see something in me that makes them love me. I know that I am just going to be the stupid Courtney for the rest of my life. And I can get used to that. Just don't be supirsed when I'm not suprised you really don't like me. No one ever does, no one ever will.
Well I'm leaving in a few hours.
I knew that this would be like everything else. But this time I am not going to be hurt because I didn't invest. Why? Because I know not to invest in a crappy stock. Crappy stock=me. I know that there is nothing special in me for a guy to see. I know that I am not worth more than a make out session or a fling. If anything goes further than that it is just a bad idea because the guy will eventually realize that what he may have seen in me for a week or so really was nothing. I just don't have that thing most girls have that makes guys want to be with them. I mean really be with them. I am just not worth it. I'm not worth someone's real time, someone's real energy. Not because I won't be there for them, but because eventually, and usually quickly they will forget whatever initial attraction they had to me because I am just not good enough. And it pisses me off that even though I know this a guy doesn't see that I know this. Shove it in my fucking face. I'm not worth it, I know, you know, we all know. Don't worry, I didn't get my heart into it because I KNOW that you can't. Because I am the stupid Courtney. Always have been, always will be. I'm the one they are glad they are with now because they are not wasting a stupid relationship on a girl that deserves more. Because I don't. I know I don't. I never will. I have known this for over a year. Fuck romance. It will never happen for me. I never expected him to care, why the hell did he think I did?
I know that I don't deserve a good guy, I know that no one will ever see something in me that makes them love me. I know that I am just going to be the stupid Courtney for the rest of my life. And I can get used to that. Just don't be supirsed when I'm not suprised you really don't like me. No one ever does, no one ever will.
Well I'm leaving in a few hours.