on the other side
It's pretty amazing to come back here after everything that's happened. You know that cartoon, something something, AND THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENS, etc.? I used to fall asleep by dreaming of death, and then a miracle happened (really!), and I feel so differently now. I can imagine a future, and me in it. It so easily could never have happened. I've been thinking about gratittude a lot.
I've also become, basically, a jock and maybe developed disordered eating/exercising along the way. I'm trying not to let it take over my life. I realized today that when I binge I just keep eating not until I feel full, or not even to eat up all the food I crave, but until I just don't care anymore. Most of the time I'm trying to be good, and then every once in a while my body rebels and I keep eating until I give up fighting not to eat. And it's sad and weird, but when I reach that point I feel, in a way, free.
The obvious thing would be to try to short-circuit that and reach that point of not caring without, you know, snarfing down an entire pie, or without waking up feeling not only not hungry but even kind of queasy from how much I ate the previous night and considering eating anyway so I feel thoroughly, properly sick. But I suspect I can't really trick myself into not caring; I have to find something I really care about more. This is in line with something else I read about overeating, which is that binging on and obsessing about food could be a symptom of not having enough joy in your life. Food becomes the thing you rely on for joy, or time for yourself, or for feeling really present, so you want more, more, more, more. Anyway, it all points to trying to get more joy in my life, more things to care about.
--
You're driving on the highway under an electric blue sky. It's Fall and the leaves on the trees on either side have changed color, and when the wind picks up they're blowing and swirling across the highway and catching this hard, bright sunlight. And at the same time you're driving into them and through them, so it's like you're in a snow globe but instead of snow it's gold. And you've seen this a million times before because you live here, and you've always lived here, and this is your home, and it's beautiful. This is pretty much where my happiness maxes out. Life can get better and worse, but as for how I feel this is as good as it gets.
I've also become, basically, a jock and maybe developed disordered eating/exercising along the way. I'm trying not to let it take over my life. I realized today that when I binge I just keep eating not until I feel full, or not even to eat up all the food I crave, but until I just don't care anymore. Most of the time I'm trying to be good, and then every once in a while my body rebels and I keep eating until I give up fighting not to eat. And it's sad and weird, but when I reach that point I feel, in a way, free.
The obvious thing would be to try to short-circuit that and reach that point of not caring without, you know, snarfing down an entire pie, or without waking up feeling not only not hungry but even kind of queasy from how much I ate the previous night and considering eating anyway so I feel thoroughly, properly sick. But I suspect I can't really trick myself into not caring; I have to find something I really care about more. This is in line with something else I read about overeating, which is that binging on and obsessing about food could be a symptom of not having enough joy in your life. Food becomes the thing you rely on for joy, or time for yourself, or for feeling really present, so you want more, more, more, more. Anyway, it all points to trying to get more joy in my life, more things to care about.
--
You're driving on the highway under an electric blue sky. It's Fall and the leaves on the trees on either side have changed color, and when the wind picks up they're blowing and swirling across the highway and catching this hard, bright sunlight. And at the same time you're driving into them and through them, so it's like you're in a snow globe but instead of snow it's gold. And you've seen this a million times before because you live here, and you've always lived here, and this is your home, and it's beautiful. This is pretty much where my happiness maxes out. Life can get better and worse, but as for how I feel this is as good as it gets.