The Past We Can Fabricate
I miss your big eyes and pirate teeth
Picture me across the hall
Musing softly to a blank TV screen
Wondering why I’m so shy
I’m thinking about your acting
For some reason I think you’re in Narnia
I’d love to meet you when you get out of class
And go over some of your Susan notes
Did we talk about Homestar, or postcards?
No, but after a movie by Hitchcock
A couple of games of Scum or Spades
We had a dance party in the hall
I listen to that first track over again
It reminds me of our time last year
The following weeks have seemed such a drag
Even if we didn’t do anything close
I didn’t want but one tap
One tap of your lips to mine
A run of my hand up the small of your back
I still remember that pink dress
It’s my fault; I didn’t even ask
I know deep down I’m insecure
After all my thought, I’m still just a boy
What more could you expect?
You know I never got you, but I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. It was fun to think about for the two years that I spent following you around in my head. The feeling just changed, I guess. I grew up, but honestly it’s something I’ll never fully walk away from. I still have dreams about your family, and God help me if every mention of your name still doesn’t give me a leap of excitement in my chest, if only for a moment. Those times, those fleeting, fleeting times; those were times when I said “Yes” to life. Times where I never questioned why I was here or what God’s super plan was for me. I just lived and breathed every moment to its fullest. And yeah, I still wasted time on meaningless crap. I spent an evening by myself building a Redemption deck for crying out loud. Time I could’ve spent hanging out with you.
I thought you were so cool. I think that’s the bottom line here. Yeah, you were cute, but it was all personality that drew me in. You seemed like such a carefree spirit - like if Zooey Deschanel were a person you could actually know without it being super weird or anything. You liked the same kind of music as me. While that may not seem big to other people, it's a huge thing for me.
I know that you knew about me. It’s hard for me to hide when I’m taking a shining to someone. My dad read me like a book after one summer camp. He said, “First you liked Alexis, but then you liked Emily, but then Rachel started being sweet to you so you took a liking to her temporarily, and then you went back to Emily.” I believe that may have also been the first summer I touched boob. But it was just a graze, done in haste, so it didn’t really count.
Anyways the point is that I’m very readable, and no matter how aloof you appeared to be about all of that I’m convinced that you knew about it. And if you ever read this, I’m almost certain you’d know who you are and either be like, “Shit, no wonder this jerk-off hung out with me so much.” Or you’ll say, “Well I knew he liked me but, two years? Wow, what a pathetic loser.” And that’s fine if that’s what you think. I can’t say I blame you. From age 17 to age 19, I was the very definition of “pathetic loser”. I was convinced that I had no one else to even fawn over. The girls around me just didn’t count. I spent nights thinking about you, even though I knew you were so out of reach. And for what? When I saw you again, I realized that I didn’t really like you that much after all. You weren’t really that nice, and especially not towards me. I mean, you ignored me. For three days you ignored the fact that I was even there. Granted, you probably were just trying to get it over with, and you didn’t even really know me, but come on. I tried to carry on civil conversation, and it was like running into a brick wall. I have obviously gotten over this.
But the trip wasn’t a total loss. I hung out with your brothers, which was cool. I saw Elvis’ house. We got that “I curse Memphis!” inside joke started that weekend, which is just classic. As is “money can’t buy knives”. I watched Season 2 of Lost in its entirety. And lest we forget, the awkward nature walk and the awkward “meet the parents” moment for Daniel’s soon-to-be fiancé.
Oh you probably weren’t there for that. Which actually, Daniel’s fiancé turned out to be pretty cool, and pretty kick-butt at Scrabble. But that whole meet and greet was just so awkward. The whole time I was thinking, “Oh God, I shouldn’t be here for this. I should just leave.” But I couldn’t. It was like they were begging me to stay for this important moment in their lives. I mean here is an example of a question asked, and an answer given -
El Paso Padre (Robert): What are your intentions with my son?
Canadian/Asian Potential Hoe-bag (Jessica): I intend to marry your son.
How could anyone walk away from such gold?
Then there was the night I pretended to be asleep and overheard Stephen talking with Daniel about my sister. I swear -- parallel universes, man. He was so convinced that he could hook up with my sister. He was broken up about her leaving in the morning and everything. It was pathetic. It made me realize how pathetic I was for stewing about a girl I’d known face-to-face for all of seven days grand total. It made me forget about regretting leaving in the morning. In fact, the ride home felt liberating. Girls found me disgusting back home, but I knew that you weren’t going to be the exception either. I just learned to be okay with who I was at the time. I was a disgusting guy with almost no potential as a significant other. I had almost nothing going for me at 19; a late bloomer before my prime. It was a lesson well learned, and I also thank Stephen for teaching me another valuable lesson: If I ever shared my feelings for you with anyone, it would make me look like a pathetic loser.
Well cheers, Stephen. This one is for you.
Picture me across the hall
Musing softly to a blank TV screen
Wondering why I’m so shy
I’m thinking about your acting
For some reason I think you’re in Narnia
I’d love to meet you when you get out of class
And go over some of your Susan notes
Did we talk about Homestar, or postcards?
No, but after a movie by Hitchcock
A couple of games of Scum or Spades
We had a dance party in the hall
I listen to that first track over again
It reminds me of our time last year
The following weeks have seemed such a drag
Even if we didn’t do anything close
I didn’t want but one tap
One tap of your lips to mine
A run of my hand up the small of your back
I still remember that pink dress
It’s my fault; I didn’t even ask
I know deep down I’m insecure
After all my thought, I’m still just a boy
What more could you expect?
You know I never got you, but I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. It was fun to think about for the two years that I spent following you around in my head. The feeling just changed, I guess. I grew up, but honestly it’s something I’ll never fully walk away from. I still have dreams about your family, and God help me if every mention of your name still doesn’t give me a leap of excitement in my chest, if only for a moment. Those times, those fleeting, fleeting times; those were times when I said “Yes” to life. Times where I never questioned why I was here or what God’s super plan was for me. I just lived and breathed every moment to its fullest. And yeah, I still wasted time on meaningless crap. I spent an evening by myself building a Redemption deck for crying out loud. Time I could’ve spent hanging out with you.
I thought you were so cool. I think that’s the bottom line here. Yeah, you were cute, but it was all personality that drew me in. You seemed like such a carefree spirit - like if Zooey Deschanel were a person you could actually know without it being super weird or anything. You liked the same kind of music as me. While that may not seem big to other people, it's a huge thing for me.
I know that you knew about me. It’s hard for me to hide when I’m taking a shining to someone. My dad read me like a book after one summer camp. He said, “First you liked Alexis, but then you liked Emily, but then Rachel started being sweet to you so you took a liking to her temporarily, and then you went back to Emily.” I believe that may have also been the first summer I touched boob. But it was just a graze, done in haste, so it didn’t really count.
Anyways the point is that I’m very readable, and no matter how aloof you appeared to be about all of that I’m convinced that you knew about it. And if you ever read this, I’m almost certain you’d know who you are and either be like, “Shit, no wonder this jerk-off hung out with me so much.” Or you’ll say, “Well I knew he liked me but, two years? Wow, what a pathetic loser.” And that’s fine if that’s what you think. I can’t say I blame you. From age 17 to age 19, I was the very definition of “pathetic loser”. I was convinced that I had no one else to even fawn over. The girls around me just didn’t count. I spent nights thinking about you, even though I knew you were so out of reach. And for what? When I saw you again, I realized that I didn’t really like you that much after all. You weren’t really that nice, and especially not towards me. I mean, you ignored me. For three days you ignored the fact that I was even there. Granted, you probably were just trying to get it over with, and you didn’t even really know me, but come on. I tried to carry on civil conversation, and it was like running into a brick wall. I have obviously gotten over this.
But the trip wasn’t a total loss. I hung out with your brothers, which was cool. I saw Elvis’ house. We got that “I curse Memphis!” inside joke started that weekend, which is just classic. As is “money can’t buy knives”. I watched Season 2 of Lost in its entirety. And lest we forget, the awkward nature walk and the awkward “meet the parents” moment for Daniel’s soon-to-be fiancé.
Oh you probably weren’t there for that. Which actually, Daniel’s fiancé turned out to be pretty cool, and pretty kick-butt at Scrabble. But that whole meet and greet was just so awkward. The whole time I was thinking, “Oh God, I shouldn’t be here for this. I should just leave.” But I couldn’t. It was like they were begging me to stay for this important moment in their lives. I mean here is an example of a question asked, and an answer given -
El Paso Padre (Robert): What are your intentions with my son?
Canadian/Asian Potential Hoe-bag (Jessica): I intend to marry your son.
How could anyone walk away from such gold?
Then there was the night I pretended to be asleep and overheard Stephen talking with Daniel about my sister. I swear -- parallel universes, man. He was so convinced that he could hook up with my sister. He was broken up about her leaving in the morning and everything. It was pathetic. It made me realize how pathetic I was for stewing about a girl I’d known face-to-face for all of seven days grand total. It made me forget about regretting leaving in the morning. In fact, the ride home felt liberating. Girls found me disgusting back home, but I knew that you weren’t going to be the exception either. I just learned to be okay with who I was at the time. I was a disgusting guy with almost no potential as a significant other. I had almost nothing going for me at 19; a late bloomer before my prime. It was a lesson well learned, and I also thank Stephen for teaching me another valuable lesson: If I ever shared my feelings for you with anyone, it would make me look like a pathetic loser.
Well cheers, Stephen. This one is for you.