a random gem

[cjnite23]

i'm not sure i understand
when this started
or where it's going
where it might end
or what exacly it is
i could ask you for clarification
but you're too far away
peaceful in your ignorance
delighting in someone else
the way my dreams delighted in you

i've fallen in love a thousand times
and been able to shrug them away
like a puppy that wants to play
but will probably just ruin
my stockings
i felt like this once
at age 9
but never since
perhaps that is where the worry comes from

your name
i mean
who is aroused by a name
or a pair of tennis shoes
languishing in the hall
how can a walk flip a switch
so well-protected
and well-hidden
how could you see inside of me

so it could have been arousal
and all that follows after
but you'd talk to me at night
sitting close in the blue light
and we debated what it means to live
your shell had never cracked
and i thought you would
return whole
and i would be the only one
who knew
those secrets

but you cracked and fell
and came back tangled up
in something I can't fight
i would slay every dragon for you
i would be your knight
but only if you need it
i would never hurt you

it's good that you're happy
and maybe i just dreamed
those long looks you sent me
and the way my heart pounded
once you were gone
-- helena mckenzie