FIC: Every Day In Every Way (AI RPF, Kris/Katy, NC-17, 2/3)
Part One
Katy was lying on the sofa when it happened, stretching to reach for the remote control so she could watch something for a little while. At first she thought it was just a nerve flutter from being in an awkward position, but then after retrieving the remote and turning on a CSI rerun she felt it again, in almost but not quite the same place.
She shifted a little bit, put the remote control down, and rested her hand on the spot where she'd felt the little twinge. It didn't happen again right away, but a few moments later, right when the show went to commercial, she was sure she felt a tiny, almost imperceptible ripple under her hand at the same time she felt another flutter. A tiny little kick or a tiny little punch.
"Oh," she said, and looked down at herself. It was possible she was imagining things, possible she just wanted to feel it, but if that were the case she probably would have felt something one of the times she was actually consciously trying to notice any movement. "Oh wow."
The phone, unlike the remote control, was not quite within reach no matter how much she stretched for it. And she didn't want to move in case it stopped, but then everything everyone told her said that it would be something she would grow very tired of before long. Right now it was hard to imagine growing tired of it. She'd gotten tired of the nausea and the exhaustion and the fact that she couldn't find her glasses for the life of her some days, but not this.
Finally she swung her legs over and found her phone and called Kris, because a text just wasn't going to cut it this time. A voicemail wouldn't be much better, but it was easier to be excited when she was talking than when she was trying to spell everything out.
Against all odds, though, Kris answered.
"Is everything all right?"
"What? Yes," she said. "Why would anything be wrong?"
"Because you're calling me," he said, laughing a little nervously, "and you don't usually call this time of day."
"Oh!" she said. "Well, I'm probably going to start doing it more when my fingers swell too much to text comfortably."
"Is that why you're calling now?"
"The baby moved, Kris." He was completely silent for a moment, so silent Katy worried that the call had disconnected. "Are you there?"
"Wow," said Kris. "Really? What did it feel like?"
"It was...I don't know. A little like gas." Kris just laughed, which was a lot better than the silence. "Are you laughing at me?"
"No, I'm laughing at the fact that you compared our baby to gas," he said, "and to try to cover the fact that I'm sad I wasn't there for it."
"It's not a big deal," she promised him. "Maybe it was gas. Or a muscle spasm. Or something else."
"Or maybe it was the baby," said Kris. "I'm sorry, I was just teasing, I'm totally excited about this. Do you think it'll do it again after I'm home?"
"From what I understand," said Katy, "the baby won't stop from now till it's born, so I'd better get used to it and enjoy it before it starts stomping on my bladder. Which I'm not sure it isn't doing already because wow do I have to go sometimes."
"Yeah, well so do I and I'm not pregnant," laughed Kris. "Wow, that's so cool. Definitely worth a phone call."
"You're not super busy, are you?" she said. "I figured you wouldn't answer the phone if you were busy, but if you thought it was an emergency-"
"I'm not super busy," said Kris, "just having something to eat, and that's totally less important. Also, the guys are staring at me now with these dopy looks on their faces. I think they're mocking me."
"They're definitely mocking you," she said, "because I can just imagine the dopy look on your face right now. Don't worry, you'll get to feel it when you're home. Probably at the least convenient time."
"Probably," agreed Kris. "Our baby gets its sense of timing from us, obviously."
"Okay, I'm missing my show so I'm going to let you go," said Katy. "I'll see you in a few days."
"I'll call you later," Kris promised her. "The usual time. And I'm probably going to have a dopy smile on my face for the rest of the day now."
"Probably," said Katy. "Say hi to the guys for me. Love you."
"Love you too," he said, and Katy smiled at the phone for a few moments this time before putting it down again and stretching out on the sofa to watch the rest of the episode. This time she left it within reach. Just in case.
:::
They made a map, before Kris actually left on tour. A physical, hands-on map with string and pushpins, showing where he was going to be and when for the next four months before he put the tour on hiatus. It dominated one wall of their new dining room and looked both exciting and intimidating when spelled out like that. The Idols Live tour had been almost as extensive, but he'd had so much going on that he just hadn't thought about it that much.
"And I promise to try to keep time zones in mind," said Katy, "and not call you at three in the morning. Unless it's super important."
Kris wasn't sure what 'super important' really constituted, but he didn't want to discourage her from calling if it really was something important. He didn't want to discourage her from calling at all, since he felt guilty enough about leaving, but they'd made this choice together.
"And I promise not to call asking about every appointment, every kick and every purchase," said Kris. "Actually, no I don't. I'm totally going to do that."
"I should just send you constant updates," said Katy. "We need an information hotline, all hours of day and night. And hey, at least you're going to be on the same continent for a while."
Kris wasn't going to apologize again, because there had been enough of that, but he did come up behind her and wrap his arms around her as they both looked at the snaky path back and forth across the map.
"I'll be home as often as I can."
"I know you will."
"And I won't miss anything important."
"I know you'll try."
And trying, at least, was a promise he knew he could keep.
:::
Kris tweeted about the first of May being associated with fertility-along with a photo of Cale and Andrew both in crowns of flowers-and Katy was rolling her eyes and thinking of something clever to reply with, since it wasn't exactly a subtle reference to her condition, but then her phone rang in her hand distracting her.
When she saw who it was, though, she couldn't help but break out in a smile.
"Drake, hi!" she said, more excited than she thought she'd be to hear his voice. "Wow, I haven't talked to you in ages."
"Well, you know..." he said, and she could picture his smile and the little shrug he'd be making. Though the break-up had been amicable, and he and Adam were still good friends, that didn't mean he wanted to talk about it. "Heard you were spending another night in. Thought you might want some company."
"It's Saturday night," said Katy. "I'm pretty sure you have better things to do. Didn't you have plans?"
"Nothing concrete," he said. "Which is to say, nothing interesting. I ditched a couple of friends of mine, just wasn't into that scene tonight. So how about it? You going stir crazy?"
"Like you wouldn't believe," said Katy.
"Want me to take you to a movie or something? Not that you can't go to a movie yourself-"
"I want you to take me dancing," said Katy. "I'm not a whale yet. I'd like to enjoy it while I can."
Kris and Cale and their band were out having fun, after all. She should have some fun too.
"Dancing," he repeated like he wasn't sure he heard her right, then laughed. "Absolutely. You and I are going to go dancing. How long do you need to get ready?"
"Not as long as I used to," she said. "My going-out wardrobe options are limited to babydoll dresses until I finally admit I need to buy some more maternity clothes. Do you know how to get to the new place?"
"Just give me the address," he said, "and I'm sure I can find it."
She was ready in half an hour, her hair not cooperating entirely, but then nobody was going to be looking at her hair with that clearly visible baby bump. Drake arrived another twenty minutes after that, looking exactly like she remembered him, and she wasn't lacking in familiar faces but there weren't that many who'd think it was appropriate to take her out for a night on the town like this even when it was exactly what she wanted.
"So where are we going?" he asked her, and she just laughed as he helped her into his car.
"I never got much of a chance to explore the LA night life," she said. Not that they probably would have even given more opportunities. "Your choice. Show me some place fun."
That, she was sure, was something Drake would be good at. And sure enough, given that particular instruction he just smiled and they headed on their way while she sent Kris a message telling him she was going out with Drake for the evening and that she'd call him afterwards. Or leave him a message afterwards, depending on how late they stayed out.
"I'll park as close as I can," he said, "considering-"
"Oh, please," said Katy. "If I'm planning to dance, I think I can walk a couple of blocks. You don't have to get close or deal with valet parking."
"I like valet parking," said Drake, "but I was pretty sure we're trying to be low key tonight."
Trying to and being, though, weren't the same thing. She hadn't thought she would be a spectacle, nothing worth more than a footnote somewhere, but apparently she had underestimated the interest. Not Adam Lambert level interest, but interest all the same.
She could see the paparazzi snapping photos of her and tried to ignore them, and when Drake moved to block her from their view she had to make an effort not to tear up in gratitude. Stupid hormones.
"Text Kris," he murmured to her as he got her inside the door, jumping the line with ease. "Just let him know there might be something."
"Already did," she said, though maybe she should do it again, just in case. "I'm not a big deal. I'm just...."
"Pregnant," he supplied, and kissed her on the cheek as she handed her sweater over to coat check. "And lovely, I might add."
She laughed and wiped a couple of stray tears from the corners of her eyes, the only remaining evidence. "Thank you," she said. "I think I needed to hear that right now."
She meant it when she said she wanted to go dancing, and didn't even let Drake get a drink before she was pulling him out there, excited and as unselfconscious as was possible. "You're going to be wanting to keep me supplied with water and a clear path to the bathroom," she said, "so there'll be plenty of time for that."
"And I'm pretty sure I'll have at least five people willing to rough me up if I let anyone else get their hands on you tonight," he said. "And those are just the ones I can name."
"Five?" said Katy. "Name 'em."
"Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, Cale Something and...the three other guys in your husband's band," he said. "I bet they'd be like a gang if you got them all riled up."
"Sorriest gang in LA," said Katy with a little giggle. "I'm pretty sure you're not going to abandon me to the masses, though, so I think neither one of us has anything to worry about."
"And I know you're pretty good at taking care of yourself," said Drake, but he took a protective stance anyway, and Katy kind of appreciated it. There was protective and there was overprotective, and this definitely didn't cross that line.
"Thank you," she said, giggling again as he twirled her. "You really do have no idea how much I needed this."
"Any time," he said, and she believed that he meant it. "All you have to do is call me up."
And maybe she'd even take him up on that. It seemed like a sign when the next song they played was a dance remix of Live Like We're Dying, which she'd never heard before and which made her laugh and shake her head and want to dance even more.
:::
"How about this?" said Adam, holding up a soft, fuzzy spider and making it dance with his hand. "This is cool, right?"
Kris just grinned and shook his head. "Only when the baby's older," he said. "There's about eight choking hazards on that thing, that's before we get to the legs."
It just figured that the small amount of time he and Adam managed to find to get together when they were in the same city at the same time, they were spending shopping. Which had definitely been Adam's idea, but Kris could hardly argue. There didn't seem to be enough time to do everything he wanted to do, so killing two birds with one stone like this was a blessing.
"I'll just have to save it then," said Adam. "I can build up a backlog of gifts and then just dole them out, even when I'm out of the country."
"This is the real master plan," said Kris dryly. "We're not supposed to be shopping for baby stuff right now anyway."
"I'm always shopping for baby stuff," said Adam. "Come on, it's a whole new person to dress and dote on! Of course I'm excited about it."
"We don't even know the sex of the baby yet," said Kris. "It's pretty hard to buy clothes before you know that."
"It's a baby," said Adam. "It's going to be baby-shaped. Besides, don't be so narrow-minded. I know for a fact you wear girls' jeans sometimes."
"Not all the time!" said Kris, looking a little closer at the stuffed animal bin anyway. He hadn't even meant for them to drift into the kids' area of the department store. Somehow this was Adam's fault. Probably.
"You're finding out soon anyway, right?" said Adam.
"We're not sure we're going to, actually," said Kris. "But if we do, we can do it any time now. Probably next week when I'm home. If we're going to do it, we want to do it together.
"Well, obviously," said Adam. "Are you going to tell people? Are you going to tell me?"
"If we decide to find out," said Kris, "then yes, I promise to tell you so you can get a head start on your clothes-buying, gender specific or not."
"Like I said, I want to have a backlog," said Adam. "Once the baby's out of onesies, you want to be fashionable, right?"
"Fashionable by my standards, or yours?" said Kris. "I bet you could find designer onesies anyway."
"I'm going to take that as a challenge," said Adam. "Mark my words, you will have the best dressed child in Los Angeles, and that's saying a lot."
"I'm pretty sure that's an impossible task," said Kris. "I know you're not hurting, but I'm pretty sure you can't afford diamond-encrusted clothing."
"Good taste doesn't have to be expensive," said Adam. "I know people. Mark my words, Kris, I am going to make this happen. You child will not be doomed to plaid and screen-printed t-shirts."
"You like t-shirts."
"Okay, a few t-shirts," conceded Adam. "But not for all occasions. I wonder if they have vintage baby clothes?"
"You're putting way too much thought into this," said Kris.
"Well, one of us has to," said Adam. "Even if you don't appreciate it, I'm sure Katy will. You know how she feels about your taste in clothes."
"My wife completely accepts my taste in clothes," protested Kris.
"Accepts? Yes," said Adam. "Appreciates? No. Except when you wear tight t-shirts and jeans, but you know we all appreciate that in our own way."
"I think you all appreciate that in the same way, actually," said Kris. But he had to admit, he kind of liked the way it was appreciated. Before Idol, he'd never really been appreciated on quite that level before. "No designer onesies."
"But after that?"
"After that you can dress my child in whatever you want," said Kris, and even though he sighed he really did completely trust Adam to at least be appropriate. He knew how to pick his battles.
"Deal," said Adam and picked up a little stuffed whale. "How about this?"
"The eyes come off," said Kris with just a quick glance at it. "But you're on the right track."
"Mark my words, before we leave this store, I will have found the perfect stuffed toy for you baby."
Kris didn't doubt it for a moment.
:::
Since Drake had essentially offered to be her personal chauffeur for the foreseeable future-okay, that wasn't actually what he'd offered, but that was how Katy was taking it-she called him up the next time she was in the mood for a shopping trip.
"I think your fashion sense is questionable," said Katy, giving Drake a quick once over, one hand braced at the small of her back, "but I bet you'd be amazing at picking out things for the baby's room. If you're willing to be caught dead in maternity and parenting stores."
"It's not like anyone's going to think it's mine," said Drake. "The pastels, though. So many pastels."
"Pastels are pretty," said Katy unapologetically. "And appropriate for a small child."
"Don't kids like bright colors?" said Drake. "You should try red, or green."
"Only when they're a little older, I think," said Katy. "When they're babies they like things that are a little softer."
"Are you sure that's the babies and not the parents?" said Drake. "You may not trust my fashion sense, but you should trust my sense of color. If there's one thing I know, that's it."
And that was the honest truth; Drake and Katy'd had a lot of opportunities to talk, when Adam and Kris were progressing through the rounds of American Idol, and a lot of times they ended up talking about art.
"I wanted to ask you a favor, too," said Katy, "and I want you to feel free to say no, because this might not be your thing at all."
"Since you've already got the sperm donor thing taken care of, I don't think there's anything you could ask me that I wouldn't at least consider," said Drake.
"Would you consider painting a mural in the baby's room? I know that's not your usual style at all, but it would be something really special that we can't just pick up in an outlet store."
"I can't believe you thought I would say no to that," said Drake. "I guess I should probably avoid the naked boobies, though."
"Well, I think the baby's going to like naked boobies for at least the first few months," said Katy, laughing and blushing simultaneously, "but maybe not on the wall."
"I promise no naked boobies on the wall," said Drake, "but I can't promise no bright colors. I'll do my research. I'll make it something special for you."
"Thank you," said Katy. "I know you'll do something amazing." And appropriate, because Drake was nothing if not respectful of her, but mostly amazing.
"Save the praise for when I'm done," said Drake, "right now we're shopping for...what exactly are we shopping for?"
"Everything but the crib," she said. "The crib I have taken care of, despite many, many attempts at interference by my family. The rest is a blank slate."
"Not using the family heirloom, then?"
"Family legend goes I nearly got my head stuck between the slats. Twice. So no, I think the family heirloom will have no place in my nursery. I have been assured by three separate sources that I've purchased the safest crib on the market."
"So we're going for décor, then," said Drake. "Well, I think between us we can manage that."
:::
Katy's agent called when she was burning dinner, moments before she set the smoke detector off so maybe it was a mercy call.
"Are you showing?" he asked her.
"Am I what?"
"Are you showing?" he asked again. "I mean, can the pregnancy be hidden?"
Katy looked down at herself and grimaced. "Not even close," she said. "Why?"
"There's a role that you'd be perfect for," he said, "and it would be filming after you have the kid, so no issue there, but you need to not be showing yet if you want to get the part. Otherwise they'll just dismiss you outright."
Katy actually thought for a moment about binding clothing and babydoll tops and bras that highlighted her breasts, detracting from everything else, but only for a moment. There was just no way. Maybe a month ago, but not now.
"I'm at the point where you'd have to use furniture to hide it," she said with a resigned sigh. "You know I'd say yes if there was any chance."
He sighed too. "That's disappointing," he said. "Maybe you should give me a call once you pop the rugrat out. Unless it's voice work, I don't think there's going to be anything appropriate for you for the next few months."
And Katy knew she was never exactly going to be in high demand for voice work. It definitely wasn't her forte, and without at lot of vocal training she knew it never would be. She didn't want to think that her looks were what was going to get her somewhere, but she wasn't dumb. She knew it helped.
And she knew a big, pregnant belly didn't.
"That might be for the best," she said. "But maybe commercials...."
"If something comes up," he said. "If something comes up that needs a pregnant young lady...but I wouldn’t hold my breath."
"I'm not," said Katy with another soft sigh. "All right. Thank you."
"And take care of yourself," he said, not kindly. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," she said again, and with hands that felt a little tingly, a little shaky, she ended the call.
It didn't have to mean the end, she wasn't giving up on her dreams, but it meant the end for now. And she wasn't going to throw herself back into work the moment the baby was born, which meant that she wasn't going to be working for the foreseeable future. They were staying in Los Angeles so that they could pursue their dreams, and here she was completely unable to do anything about hers at the moment.
She told herself she wasn't going to cry, she'd been telling herself for a long time that she needed to have a thick skin to do what she wanted to do, but a few tears still slipped down her nose as she sat down heavily in a kitchen chair.
She blamed the baby. No, she didn't blame the baby, she blamed the pregnancy. And in this moment, where no one was around to see her not be cheerful and not be strong, she let those tears keep coming.
Sometimes it was just what you needed to do.
:::
It would have made sense for Kris to stay in hotels a little closer to his shows, even when he was this close to home, because it would mean less travel, it would mean more time with his people and his band, but when Kris had a string of shows around the LA area he came home to her every night. Katy felt a little bad that he never really knew what he was coming home to, but most she was grateful just to really have him, for a little while.
One night he came home and they made love for hours, or if not hours then until Kris literally could not keep his eyes open for another moment. The next he came home and she was in tears, staring at the room that was supposed to belong to the baby in despair.
"This is not how the plan goes," said Katy, and she couldn't help feeling guilty that she felt so sad about it. That she felt sad for those things that she was never going to have or do now. Because she was supposed to be happy, and nothing but happy, about the new life they were bringing into the world. Any other feeling was just selfish. Selfish selfish selfish.
"No, it's really not," Kris agreed though, wrapping his arms around her, around the bit between her swollen belly and her swollen breasts that was still just her. "It's kind of like we ripped the plan into pieces and put it back together in a different way. It's still got some gaps and overlaps and rough edges, but we'll patch some stuff in and tape it all together and it'll be fine."
She laughed a little, and it was a bit of a tortured metaphor, but she could actually picture that frankenlist in her head.
"And the best part of that is, everything's still on the list, it's just all in a different order now."
"So I'm going to make it as an actor when I'm eighty?"
"Who knows?" said Kris. "It's all stuff that hasn't happened yet. Maybe you'll discover something else you love. Maybe we both will."
"You mean, maybe I'll discover that what I really want to do is be a stay-at-home mom."
"That's not what I said."
"But that's what you mean, isn't it? Like a good wife."
"Now you know that's not what I meant," said Kris. "Where's this coming from?"
"It seems like that's all I'm good for right now. My agent's about ready to drop me, my mom thinks I should come back to Arkansas to raise babies, and this morning I put the ice cream away in the oven."
It was obvious Kris was trying not to laugh, but a snicker escaped. "Really?"
"Don't laugh! It was all melted when I found it later."
"I'm sorry," said Kris, brushing his fingers gently up her side. "But it was a little funny."
"Was not," she said, elbowing him. "I cried. And now we have no ice cream."
"I'll pick some up," he promised her. "I'll go right now. And as for the rest...you choose what you want to do. If you want to act, then what other people think you should be doing doesn't matter."
"Well, it kind of does, when you're an actor." Or a singer, to be fair, and she'd always encouraged him in that.
"That doesn't mean you stop trying, or stop getting better, though," he said. "We both know these things don't happen right away. Maybe you can't work when you're pregnant, but you could take a class?"
"I could take a class," she admitted. "For a little while, anyway."
"I'm sorry I'm not around more," said Kris. "I know that would make it easier on you."
"There's not much you could do to help this," she told him, though. "You can't take over carrying the baby. Believe me, if you could we'd've done that a very long time ago."
Kris's expression was such a strange mix of curiosity and discomfort that she had to laugh again, even though she felt like she was also on the cusp of tears. Again.
"It's good to have you home," she said, "Even though you might be regretting it right now."
"No," he said, "no, not even for a moment."
:::
Part of him was worried that he was going to wake Katy up, no matter how quietly he played. A bigger part of him wanted to play anyway, because they way Katy was sleeping, the way the sheet fell over her body, he could see the swell of her belly more clearly than ever. And he was playing for the baby inside more than he was playing for himself or for Katy.
"I have no idea what you're going to grow up to be like," he said softly, strumming his guitar as quietly as he could, "and what you're going to like to eat or read or what kind of music you're going to listen to. I don't even know if you have little ears to hear this with yet, but this is for you."
He sang quietly, barely audible over the guitar, and after a while he put the guitar aside and stretched out next to Katy and sang right at her belly, everything off his album, everything he'd been covering lately, a couple of songs his mother sang to him when he was little, a couple of things he and Cale had been working on, just everything that crossed his mind, and whenever it crossed his mind. He sang until his throat hurt a little, and when he finally looked up he saw that Katy was watching him.
"How long have you been awake?" he said, straightening up and reaching for a bottle of water he kept by the bed.
"A little while," she said. "I was just listening."
"Sorry," he said, then drained a little more of the bottle. "I was trying to be quiet."
"No, don't apologize," she said. "The baby liked it." And as he finished off the water, she gently rubbed her belly with one hand.
"How do you know?" he said. "Was he restless?" Or she.
"I know because she wasn't," said Katy. "Oh, she moved around a little, but no sharp kicks to anything sensitive. She likes her daddy's voice." Or he.
"Yeah?" said Kris, and he knew the baby was too little yet to really be listening, but he liked to think that he was making what little impact he could, while he could.
"We watch your interviews together," said Katy. "Okay, I watch and I talk about daddy, but that's about as together as it gets these days."
"I'm sorry-"
"No, not right now," she stopped him, rubbing her belly again. "You don't have to stop."
"I think I do," he admitted, rubbing his throat tentatively. "If I want to give a show tomorrow, anyway." But then, how many more chances was he going to get to do this? He needed to take advantage of it while he could. "Okay, well, maybe a couple more."
"I'll make you tea afterwards," Katy promised him, and Kris figured that was more than fair, though the tea would probably wait until morning because he wasn't going to ask Katy to get back out of bed after this. He wasn't sure he was going to want to get back out of bed after this, except that he needed another bottle of water.
"Any requests, then?" he said, shimmying down the bed again to sing right at her belly.
"Just something soothing," she said, "So that she goes back to sleep."
Soothing Kris could do, and it wasn't just the baby he put back to sleep (if he did, in fact, put the baby back to sleep, since he didn't really have any evidence of that either way)-when he finally looked up again Katy had fallen asleep again too, and so as quietly as he could he got up off the bed, grabbed himself some more water from the kitchen, and climbed in under the covers this time, putting his arm around both of them.
He would enjoy this for as long as he had it.
:::
"What do you think of Rachel?" said Kris over dinner, just something he threw together because he was actually at home all day, and insisting that Katy just relax and not worry about it. It was some sort of guy instinct, she guessed.
"Rachel who?" said Katy, swallowing a mouthful of her soup. "Do I know her?"
"I mean, as a name for the baby. If it's a girl."
"Oh!" said Katy. "I hadn't really...." Of course, she had thought about baby names, but she hadn't considered Rachel, and she hadn't realized that this conversation was going to start over soup one night. "What if it's a boy?"
"I don't know," said Kris, smiling at her. "David?"
"You just pulled that one out of your behind," she said. "I want to know what you really think."
"I like David as a name!" he said. "I think I know too many Davids, Daves and Davies for it to work for us, though. I haven't really sat down and thought about it, Rachel just popped into my head."
"I like it," Katy said, though non-committally. "I was thinking about stuff like Marissa, or Tiffany."
"Not Tiffany," Kris said, vetoing that one right away. Katy wasn't sure whether he just didn't like it, or if it brought back bad memories of some Tiffany who used to beat him up in grade school, but Kris didn't say. "What about Samantha?"
"I can't do Samantha after Sex and the City," said Katy. "I would always think about that, and that's just not right when it's a tiny baby."
"Fair point," said Kris, picking a bit of chicken out of his soup and balancing it on his spoon. "So that leaves out Carrie, too, because ditto. I don't know, what are you feeling? Have you ever had any names just, you know, hit you in the gut?"
"Like Rachel did for you?"
"I wouldn't say it hit me in the gut," said Kris. "It's just nice, and classic. You know? I don't want to saddle a kid with a name that ten years from know they'll be teased for."
"That's a danger with any name," said Katy. "I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a lot to do with the name itself. And classic isn't always better. I'm not naming my daughter Gertrude."
"Or our son."
"I'm not naming our son Gertrude either," said Katy, grinning at him. "We should both make lists of names, and then we can compare them."
"Is that what they suggest in your books?"
"Yes," said Katy, "but I think it's a good idea anyway. That way we won't be saying nice things just because the other person likes something. It's great to compromise on some things, but this is the name our child will have the rest of her life. Or his life. We should both actually feel good about it."
"I can do that," said Kris, "but if I do it while I’m on the road, I can't promise the guys won't make contributions to the list."
"Tell them they can make their own lists," said Katy. "That makes them easier to ignore. Except Andrew. I feel Andrew would probably have good taste in names, and is free to make contributions to your list."
"I'll tell him that," said Kris, laughing for a moment before eating more of his soup. "So are we going to find out? Whether it's a boy or a girl?"
"Do you want to?" said Katy.
"Do you want to?" said Kris.
"I asked you first."
"Okay, okay," he said. "I think we should, then. I mean, finding out now or finding out when the baby is born, it's going to be a special moment either way, and if we do it now we can both appreciate it more, plus it'll be easier to make plans."
"But we're not going with a pink or a blue color scheme," said Katy. "We're agreed on that, right?"
"Absolutely," said Kris. "So do you want to find out?"
"I do," said Katy. "At my appointment tomorrow, because both of us are there. If we don't do it tomorrow, then we'll have to wait till next time you're home."
"I think that sounds perfect," he said, and she thought she heard a little bit of relief in his voice. As if she'd ever do something like that without him there. There were enough things that he was missing that couldn't be helped; the ones they could plan together...well, there was nothing to talk about. They were doing them together.
:::
"So do you want to know?" said Kris, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited for Adam to answer.
"Do I want to know what?"
"About the baby," said Kris. "Do you want to know what we're having?"
"Fuck yes," said Adam. "Of course I want to know what you're having! How is that even a question? Did you just find out?"
"We just got back from the appointment," said Kris, "and Katy's in the shower. So."
"Kristopher Allen, this is not the time to be a tease!"
"It's a girl," Kris blurted out, because he just couldn't not. "We're having a little girl."
"That's fantastic!" said Adam. "I knew it! I totally already bought girl clothes. Of course, I was going to give them to you either way but still. I totally knew it. Congratulations!"
"Thanks," said Kris, and somehow he just felt extra warm and fuzzy now, like the baby had just suddenly become a real person, which tomorrow was probably going to scare the shit out of him but today it was just...awesome. Everything was awesome. "Would it be weird to get Katy a gift?"
"A 'congratulations on your ultrasound' gift?"
"It just feels like an occasion worth celebration. And she's pretty much doing all the work."
"Kris?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure it's always a good time to get your wife a gift."
"She'll probably think I'm weird anyway," said Kris, "but she already does, so I might as well go with my gut on this one. It was...pretty amazing. There's an actual little person in there."
"You had your doubts?"
"It's just different when you see it," said Kris, even knowing that Adam was just teasing him. "It's not just an abstract idea anymore. It's not just a thing that's going to be happening in a few months now. It's an actual little person almost ready to be born."
"You sound like you had a very moving day."
"A little girl," said Kris again. "I have to start buying stuff. You need to help me get her stuff." Kris had never been someone who went overboard with the gifting, he spoiled people with attention rather than things, but he suddenly wanted to give his child everything. Everything. All of that and more.
"You'd better not stay on the phone too long," said Adam. "If Katy gets out of the shower and you're on the phone...."
"As if she doesn't know I'm calling you," said Kris. "We're saving the family calls to do together when she gets out and we're settled. Maybe after we eat; she says she's starving. But then she's starving a lot."
"I know way too much about Katy's eating habits these days," said Adam. "Tell her congratulations from me, would you? And give her a gigantic hug, as squishy as you dare."
"I will," said Kris, and he would, he really would. One from Adam, then two from him. "We're actually going to get together again one day, right?"
"One day soon," said Adam. "We'll work it out. Sooner or later our paths have to cross, that's just the law of averages."
"Does the law of averages really work like that?"
"Well, whatever," said Adam. "Anyway, we'll get together if we have to take secret flights in the middle of the night one of these days. But I'm pretty sure it won't come to that."
"Okay, I think I hear the water going off," said Kris. "I'm going to go meet her with a huge fluffy towel."
"Congratulations again," said Adam. "That's amazing news."
"Isn't it?" said Kris, and realized he hadn't stopped smiling since they'd gotten home. Maybe not since they left the doctor's office. "Bye, Adam."
:::
This was it, this was his last show close to home before they all got back on the bus-or really, when Kris rejoined them on the bus since some of the guys never really left it-and headed north. Last night was the last night he'd be spending with his wife, and tonight was the last time he would see her before he was on the road again.
It was hard, but at the same time he was still riding the high of being able to spend so much time with them. A high that definitely carried over onto the stage.
"So I guess you all know there's a little Allen on the way," said Kris, to a tremendous cheer from the crowd.
"Another little Allen," said Cale, leaning into his mic, because short jokes just never got old.
"Another little Allen," Kris corrected himself with a laugh. "A littler Allen. And because I'm apparently going to be the dorky sort of parent who does this kind of thing, I wrote a song for her. She's actually in the audience for the first time tonight, sort of, so I figured it would be a good night to play it for you for the first time. I'm told she'll be able to hear this, so Katy, sorry if the little football player starts kicking up a storm."
The cheer that went up at that was almost deafening. Before they started, Kris sought out Katy in the front row, just barely visible beyond the lights, and she was standing there beaming at him with one hand resting on her belly. She mouthed just one word at him, "soccer," and Kris laughed blew her a kiss and then Andrew's guitar kicked in.
It wasn't exactly a lullaby sort of a song. It wasn't slow or quiet at all. But it was about how Kris was feeling these past weeks and months, so it was maybe the most crazy and joyful thing he'd written in...well, maybe ever. Crazy and loud and joyful, and from the way Katy was rubbing her belly-yeah, Kris looked, of course he looked-the baby really was having an epic reaction to the song.
He'd feel a little bit sorry about that if he wasn't feeling so great right now. And from the smile on Katy's face, she didn't really mind all that much either.
"So, what's the verdict?" he said when they were done, once he could be heard again. "Did she love it or hate it?"
Katy grinned at him, but then made the 'little of this, little of that' balancing gesture with both hands, like she couldn't quite decide. The crowd seemed willing to help her out, though, showing their appreciation again, and Kris was, as always, grateful for an audience that was this into the show. He watched Katy laugh again and put both hands back on her belly, and he guessed that their baby girl was having quite the reaction to the crowd, too. He just hoped it was a good one.
"I love you," he said later on, when they were alone and everyone was waiting for him. "I'll miss you. I'll be home again as soon as I can."
"I know," she said. "I'll be fine. I love you too."
And at least, even when they couldn't be together, they could be confident they had that.
:::
It was in Ohio that Torres broke out the baby rattle during a show, playing it into his mic during Alright With Me to the cheers of both the rest of the band and the audience. After that, it was like it was open season on him, and he was going to have a massive collection of baby things before the tour went on hiatus if they kept it up.
Cale showed up with a teddy bear backpack at the next show, and Andrew wore a sparkly plastic tiara the entire show after that. But if this was an informal competition, then Ryland was the undisputed winner when he arrived on stage in a full pink bunny suit.
Which Kris didn't know until he turned around and saw him partway through the song, ears flopping as he hit the beats. He almost lost it right then and there, but managed to push through to the end of the song.
"Ryland, get up here," he said as soon as they were done, finally letting himself crack up.
"You're the boss," said Ryland before putting his sticks down and extracting himself from the drum kit. He looked like he was expecting it. Which grown men in bunny suits really should be.
Looking at him standing up like that, Kris just bent over in half and cracked up all over again.
"You okay?" he said, deadpan, stealing Cale's mic.
Kris actually had to wave them off until he got himself back under control. "Nice threads," he got out finally.
"Well, it was a little chilly in here," said Ryland, as though he'd just put on a sweater.
"Forget chilly, you're stylin'," said Torres, and Kris had to press his lips together to keep from losing his shit again. "I need to get me one of those."
"I've got one in blue, if you're interested," said Ryland. "It was a tough choice, but I'm told pink goes better with my complexion."
"Good advice," said Cale. "It makes your cheeks just glow."
"You're just begging for a gig at my kid's first birthday, aren't you?" said Kris, shaking his head.
"Why, do you think a little kid might like this?" said Ryland, looking down at himself. "If you're sure."
Kris admired his poker face, especially in the face of Kris's own reaction and an audience that was roaring. Cale too was barely keeping it together, his knuckles starting to go white where he was gripping the mic stand.
"Well, it's a good thing you're starting early," said Kris, licking his lips and trying not to smile. "Gives you time to get good enough for my kid. Now get back to work, we've got a show to put on."
Andrew hit a chord and Ryland headed back to the drums and Cale turned his back on the cheering audience as he finally gave in to the laugh that had been bubbling up in him.
Kris turned his back on the audience for a moment too, and couldn't help giving the guys, all of them, a huge smile before carrying on with the show.
Part Three
Katy was lying on the sofa when it happened, stretching to reach for the remote control so she could watch something for a little while. At first she thought it was just a nerve flutter from being in an awkward position, but then after retrieving the remote and turning on a CSI rerun she felt it again, in almost but not quite the same place.
She shifted a little bit, put the remote control down, and rested her hand on the spot where she'd felt the little twinge. It didn't happen again right away, but a few moments later, right when the show went to commercial, she was sure she felt a tiny, almost imperceptible ripple under her hand at the same time she felt another flutter. A tiny little kick or a tiny little punch.
"Oh," she said, and looked down at herself. It was possible she was imagining things, possible she just wanted to feel it, but if that were the case she probably would have felt something one of the times she was actually consciously trying to notice any movement. "Oh wow."
The phone, unlike the remote control, was not quite within reach no matter how much she stretched for it. And she didn't want to move in case it stopped, but then everything everyone told her said that it would be something she would grow very tired of before long. Right now it was hard to imagine growing tired of it. She'd gotten tired of the nausea and the exhaustion and the fact that she couldn't find her glasses for the life of her some days, but not this.
Finally she swung her legs over and found her phone and called Kris, because a text just wasn't going to cut it this time. A voicemail wouldn't be much better, but it was easier to be excited when she was talking than when she was trying to spell everything out.
Against all odds, though, Kris answered.
"Is everything all right?"
"What? Yes," she said. "Why would anything be wrong?"
"Because you're calling me," he said, laughing a little nervously, "and you don't usually call this time of day."
"Oh!" she said. "Well, I'm probably going to start doing it more when my fingers swell too much to text comfortably."
"Is that why you're calling now?"
"The baby moved, Kris." He was completely silent for a moment, so silent Katy worried that the call had disconnected. "Are you there?"
"Wow," said Kris. "Really? What did it feel like?"
"It was...I don't know. A little like gas." Kris just laughed, which was a lot better than the silence. "Are you laughing at me?"
"No, I'm laughing at the fact that you compared our baby to gas," he said, "and to try to cover the fact that I'm sad I wasn't there for it."
"It's not a big deal," she promised him. "Maybe it was gas. Or a muscle spasm. Or something else."
"Or maybe it was the baby," said Kris. "I'm sorry, I was just teasing, I'm totally excited about this. Do you think it'll do it again after I'm home?"
"From what I understand," said Katy, "the baby won't stop from now till it's born, so I'd better get used to it and enjoy it before it starts stomping on my bladder. Which I'm not sure it isn't doing already because wow do I have to go sometimes."
"Yeah, well so do I and I'm not pregnant," laughed Kris. "Wow, that's so cool. Definitely worth a phone call."
"You're not super busy, are you?" she said. "I figured you wouldn't answer the phone if you were busy, but if you thought it was an emergency-"
"I'm not super busy," said Kris, "just having something to eat, and that's totally less important. Also, the guys are staring at me now with these dopy looks on their faces. I think they're mocking me."
"They're definitely mocking you," she said, "because I can just imagine the dopy look on your face right now. Don't worry, you'll get to feel it when you're home. Probably at the least convenient time."
"Probably," agreed Kris. "Our baby gets its sense of timing from us, obviously."
"Okay, I'm missing my show so I'm going to let you go," said Katy. "I'll see you in a few days."
"I'll call you later," Kris promised her. "The usual time. And I'm probably going to have a dopy smile on my face for the rest of the day now."
"Probably," said Katy. "Say hi to the guys for me. Love you."
"Love you too," he said, and Katy smiled at the phone for a few moments this time before putting it down again and stretching out on the sofa to watch the rest of the episode. This time she left it within reach. Just in case.
:::
They made a map, before Kris actually left on tour. A physical, hands-on map with string and pushpins, showing where he was going to be and when for the next four months before he put the tour on hiatus. It dominated one wall of their new dining room and looked both exciting and intimidating when spelled out like that. The Idols Live tour had been almost as extensive, but he'd had so much going on that he just hadn't thought about it that much.
"And I promise to try to keep time zones in mind," said Katy, "and not call you at three in the morning. Unless it's super important."
Kris wasn't sure what 'super important' really constituted, but he didn't want to discourage her from calling if it really was something important. He didn't want to discourage her from calling at all, since he felt guilty enough about leaving, but they'd made this choice together.
"And I promise not to call asking about every appointment, every kick and every purchase," said Kris. "Actually, no I don't. I'm totally going to do that."
"I should just send you constant updates," said Katy. "We need an information hotline, all hours of day and night. And hey, at least you're going to be on the same continent for a while."
Kris wasn't going to apologize again, because there had been enough of that, but he did come up behind her and wrap his arms around her as they both looked at the snaky path back and forth across the map.
"I'll be home as often as I can."
"I know you will."
"And I won't miss anything important."
"I know you'll try."
And trying, at least, was a promise he knew he could keep.
:::
Kris tweeted about the first of May being associated with fertility-along with a photo of Cale and Andrew both in crowns of flowers-and Katy was rolling her eyes and thinking of something clever to reply with, since it wasn't exactly a subtle reference to her condition, but then her phone rang in her hand distracting her.
When she saw who it was, though, she couldn't help but break out in a smile.
"Drake, hi!" she said, more excited than she thought she'd be to hear his voice. "Wow, I haven't talked to you in ages."
"Well, you know..." he said, and she could picture his smile and the little shrug he'd be making. Though the break-up had been amicable, and he and Adam were still good friends, that didn't mean he wanted to talk about it. "Heard you were spending another night in. Thought you might want some company."
"It's Saturday night," said Katy. "I'm pretty sure you have better things to do. Didn't you have plans?"
"Nothing concrete," he said. "Which is to say, nothing interesting. I ditched a couple of friends of mine, just wasn't into that scene tonight. So how about it? You going stir crazy?"
"Like you wouldn't believe," said Katy.
"Want me to take you to a movie or something? Not that you can't go to a movie yourself-"
"I want you to take me dancing," said Katy. "I'm not a whale yet. I'd like to enjoy it while I can."
Kris and Cale and their band were out having fun, after all. She should have some fun too.
"Dancing," he repeated like he wasn't sure he heard her right, then laughed. "Absolutely. You and I are going to go dancing. How long do you need to get ready?"
"Not as long as I used to," she said. "My going-out wardrobe options are limited to babydoll dresses until I finally admit I need to buy some more maternity clothes. Do you know how to get to the new place?"
"Just give me the address," he said, "and I'm sure I can find it."
She was ready in half an hour, her hair not cooperating entirely, but then nobody was going to be looking at her hair with that clearly visible baby bump. Drake arrived another twenty minutes after that, looking exactly like she remembered him, and she wasn't lacking in familiar faces but there weren't that many who'd think it was appropriate to take her out for a night on the town like this even when it was exactly what she wanted.
"So where are we going?" he asked her, and she just laughed as he helped her into his car.
"I never got much of a chance to explore the LA night life," she said. Not that they probably would have even given more opportunities. "Your choice. Show me some place fun."
That, she was sure, was something Drake would be good at. And sure enough, given that particular instruction he just smiled and they headed on their way while she sent Kris a message telling him she was going out with Drake for the evening and that she'd call him afterwards. Or leave him a message afterwards, depending on how late they stayed out.
"I'll park as close as I can," he said, "considering-"
"Oh, please," said Katy. "If I'm planning to dance, I think I can walk a couple of blocks. You don't have to get close or deal with valet parking."
"I like valet parking," said Drake, "but I was pretty sure we're trying to be low key tonight."
Trying to and being, though, weren't the same thing. She hadn't thought she would be a spectacle, nothing worth more than a footnote somewhere, but apparently she had underestimated the interest. Not Adam Lambert level interest, but interest all the same.
She could see the paparazzi snapping photos of her and tried to ignore them, and when Drake moved to block her from their view she had to make an effort not to tear up in gratitude. Stupid hormones.
"Text Kris," he murmured to her as he got her inside the door, jumping the line with ease. "Just let him know there might be something."
"Already did," she said, though maybe she should do it again, just in case. "I'm not a big deal. I'm just...."
"Pregnant," he supplied, and kissed her on the cheek as she handed her sweater over to coat check. "And lovely, I might add."
She laughed and wiped a couple of stray tears from the corners of her eyes, the only remaining evidence. "Thank you," she said. "I think I needed to hear that right now."
She meant it when she said she wanted to go dancing, and didn't even let Drake get a drink before she was pulling him out there, excited and as unselfconscious as was possible. "You're going to be wanting to keep me supplied with water and a clear path to the bathroom," she said, "so there'll be plenty of time for that."
"And I'm pretty sure I'll have at least five people willing to rough me up if I let anyone else get their hands on you tonight," he said. "And those are just the ones I can name."
"Five?" said Katy. "Name 'em."
"Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, Cale Something and...the three other guys in your husband's band," he said. "I bet they'd be like a gang if you got them all riled up."
"Sorriest gang in LA," said Katy with a little giggle. "I'm pretty sure you're not going to abandon me to the masses, though, so I think neither one of us has anything to worry about."
"And I know you're pretty good at taking care of yourself," said Drake, but he took a protective stance anyway, and Katy kind of appreciated it. There was protective and there was overprotective, and this definitely didn't cross that line.
"Thank you," she said, giggling again as he twirled her. "You really do have no idea how much I needed this."
"Any time," he said, and she believed that he meant it. "All you have to do is call me up."
And maybe she'd even take him up on that. It seemed like a sign when the next song they played was a dance remix of Live Like We're Dying, which she'd never heard before and which made her laugh and shake her head and want to dance even more.
:::
"How about this?" said Adam, holding up a soft, fuzzy spider and making it dance with his hand. "This is cool, right?"
Kris just grinned and shook his head. "Only when the baby's older," he said. "There's about eight choking hazards on that thing, that's before we get to the legs."
It just figured that the small amount of time he and Adam managed to find to get together when they were in the same city at the same time, they were spending shopping. Which had definitely been Adam's idea, but Kris could hardly argue. There didn't seem to be enough time to do everything he wanted to do, so killing two birds with one stone like this was a blessing.
"I'll just have to save it then," said Adam. "I can build up a backlog of gifts and then just dole them out, even when I'm out of the country."
"This is the real master plan," said Kris dryly. "We're not supposed to be shopping for baby stuff right now anyway."
"I'm always shopping for baby stuff," said Adam. "Come on, it's a whole new person to dress and dote on! Of course I'm excited about it."
"We don't even know the sex of the baby yet," said Kris. "It's pretty hard to buy clothes before you know that."
"It's a baby," said Adam. "It's going to be baby-shaped. Besides, don't be so narrow-minded. I know for a fact you wear girls' jeans sometimes."
"Not all the time!" said Kris, looking a little closer at the stuffed animal bin anyway. He hadn't even meant for them to drift into the kids' area of the department store. Somehow this was Adam's fault. Probably.
"You're finding out soon anyway, right?" said Adam.
"We're not sure we're going to, actually," said Kris. "But if we do, we can do it any time now. Probably next week when I'm home. If we're going to do it, we want to do it together.
"Well, obviously," said Adam. "Are you going to tell people? Are you going to tell me?"
"If we decide to find out," said Kris, "then yes, I promise to tell you so you can get a head start on your clothes-buying, gender specific or not."
"Like I said, I want to have a backlog," said Adam. "Once the baby's out of onesies, you want to be fashionable, right?"
"Fashionable by my standards, or yours?" said Kris. "I bet you could find designer onesies anyway."
"I'm going to take that as a challenge," said Adam. "Mark my words, you will have the best dressed child in Los Angeles, and that's saying a lot."
"I'm pretty sure that's an impossible task," said Kris. "I know you're not hurting, but I'm pretty sure you can't afford diamond-encrusted clothing."
"Good taste doesn't have to be expensive," said Adam. "I know people. Mark my words, Kris, I am going to make this happen. You child will not be doomed to plaid and screen-printed t-shirts."
"You like t-shirts."
"Okay, a few t-shirts," conceded Adam. "But not for all occasions. I wonder if they have vintage baby clothes?"
"You're putting way too much thought into this," said Kris.
"Well, one of us has to," said Adam. "Even if you don't appreciate it, I'm sure Katy will. You know how she feels about your taste in clothes."
"My wife completely accepts my taste in clothes," protested Kris.
"Accepts? Yes," said Adam. "Appreciates? No. Except when you wear tight t-shirts and jeans, but you know we all appreciate that in our own way."
"I think you all appreciate that in the same way, actually," said Kris. But he had to admit, he kind of liked the way it was appreciated. Before Idol, he'd never really been appreciated on quite that level before. "No designer onesies."
"But after that?"
"After that you can dress my child in whatever you want," said Kris, and even though he sighed he really did completely trust Adam to at least be appropriate. He knew how to pick his battles.
"Deal," said Adam and picked up a little stuffed whale. "How about this?"
"The eyes come off," said Kris with just a quick glance at it. "But you're on the right track."
"Mark my words, before we leave this store, I will have found the perfect stuffed toy for you baby."
Kris didn't doubt it for a moment.
:::
Since Drake had essentially offered to be her personal chauffeur for the foreseeable future-okay, that wasn't actually what he'd offered, but that was how Katy was taking it-she called him up the next time she was in the mood for a shopping trip.
"I think your fashion sense is questionable," said Katy, giving Drake a quick once over, one hand braced at the small of her back, "but I bet you'd be amazing at picking out things for the baby's room. If you're willing to be caught dead in maternity and parenting stores."
"It's not like anyone's going to think it's mine," said Drake. "The pastels, though. So many pastels."
"Pastels are pretty," said Katy unapologetically. "And appropriate for a small child."
"Don't kids like bright colors?" said Drake. "You should try red, or green."
"Only when they're a little older, I think," said Katy. "When they're babies they like things that are a little softer."
"Are you sure that's the babies and not the parents?" said Drake. "You may not trust my fashion sense, but you should trust my sense of color. If there's one thing I know, that's it."
And that was the honest truth; Drake and Katy'd had a lot of opportunities to talk, when Adam and Kris were progressing through the rounds of American Idol, and a lot of times they ended up talking about art.
"I wanted to ask you a favor, too," said Katy, "and I want you to feel free to say no, because this might not be your thing at all."
"Since you've already got the sperm donor thing taken care of, I don't think there's anything you could ask me that I wouldn't at least consider," said Drake.
"Would you consider painting a mural in the baby's room? I know that's not your usual style at all, but it would be something really special that we can't just pick up in an outlet store."
"I can't believe you thought I would say no to that," said Drake. "I guess I should probably avoid the naked boobies, though."
"Well, I think the baby's going to like naked boobies for at least the first few months," said Katy, laughing and blushing simultaneously, "but maybe not on the wall."
"I promise no naked boobies on the wall," said Drake, "but I can't promise no bright colors. I'll do my research. I'll make it something special for you."
"Thank you," said Katy. "I know you'll do something amazing." And appropriate, because Drake was nothing if not respectful of her, but mostly amazing.
"Save the praise for when I'm done," said Drake, "right now we're shopping for...what exactly are we shopping for?"
"Everything but the crib," she said. "The crib I have taken care of, despite many, many attempts at interference by my family. The rest is a blank slate."
"Not using the family heirloom, then?"
"Family legend goes I nearly got my head stuck between the slats. Twice. So no, I think the family heirloom will have no place in my nursery. I have been assured by three separate sources that I've purchased the safest crib on the market."
"So we're going for décor, then," said Drake. "Well, I think between us we can manage that."
:::
Katy's agent called when she was burning dinner, moments before she set the smoke detector off so maybe it was a mercy call.
"Are you showing?" he asked her.
"Am I what?"
"Are you showing?" he asked again. "I mean, can the pregnancy be hidden?"
Katy looked down at herself and grimaced. "Not even close," she said. "Why?"
"There's a role that you'd be perfect for," he said, "and it would be filming after you have the kid, so no issue there, but you need to not be showing yet if you want to get the part. Otherwise they'll just dismiss you outright."
Katy actually thought for a moment about binding clothing and babydoll tops and bras that highlighted her breasts, detracting from everything else, but only for a moment. There was just no way. Maybe a month ago, but not now.
"I'm at the point where you'd have to use furniture to hide it," she said with a resigned sigh. "You know I'd say yes if there was any chance."
He sighed too. "That's disappointing," he said. "Maybe you should give me a call once you pop the rugrat out. Unless it's voice work, I don't think there's going to be anything appropriate for you for the next few months."
And Katy knew she was never exactly going to be in high demand for voice work. It definitely wasn't her forte, and without at lot of vocal training she knew it never would be. She didn't want to think that her looks were what was going to get her somewhere, but she wasn't dumb. She knew it helped.
And she knew a big, pregnant belly didn't.
"That might be for the best," she said. "But maybe commercials...."
"If something comes up," he said. "If something comes up that needs a pregnant young lady...but I wouldn’t hold my breath."
"I'm not," said Katy with another soft sigh. "All right. Thank you."
"And take care of yourself," he said, not kindly. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," she said again, and with hands that felt a little tingly, a little shaky, she ended the call.
It didn't have to mean the end, she wasn't giving up on her dreams, but it meant the end for now. And she wasn't going to throw herself back into work the moment the baby was born, which meant that she wasn't going to be working for the foreseeable future. They were staying in Los Angeles so that they could pursue their dreams, and here she was completely unable to do anything about hers at the moment.
She told herself she wasn't going to cry, she'd been telling herself for a long time that she needed to have a thick skin to do what she wanted to do, but a few tears still slipped down her nose as she sat down heavily in a kitchen chair.
She blamed the baby. No, she didn't blame the baby, she blamed the pregnancy. And in this moment, where no one was around to see her not be cheerful and not be strong, she let those tears keep coming.
Sometimes it was just what you needed to do.
:::
It would have made sense for Kris to stay in hotels a little closer to his shows, even when he was this close to home, because it would mean less travel, it would mean more time with his people and his band, but when Kris had a string of shows around the LA area he came home to her every night. Katy felt a little bad that he never really knew what he was coming home to, but most she was grateful just to really have him, for a little while.
One night he came home and they made love for hours, or if not hours then until Kris literally could not keep his eyes open for another moment. The next he came home and she was in tears, staring at the room that was supposed to belong to the baby in despair.
"This is not how the plan goes," said Katy, and she couldn't help feeling guilty that she felt so sad about it. That she felt sad for those things that she was never going to have or do now. Because she was supposed to be happy, and nothing but happy, about the new life they were bringing into the world. Any other feeling was just selfish. Selfish selfish selfish.
"No, it's really not," Kris agreed though, wrapping his arms around her, around the bit between her swollen belly and her swollen breasts that was still just her. "It's kind of like we ripped the plan into pieces and put it back together in a different way. It's still got some gaps and overlaps and rough edges, but we'll patch some stuff in and tape it all together and it'll be fine."
She laughed a little, and it was a bit of a tortured metaphor, but she could actually picture that frankenlist in her head.
"And the best part of that is, everything's still on the list, it's just all in a different order now."
"So I'm going to make it as an actor when I'm eighty?"
"Who knows?" said Kris. "It's all stuff that hasn't happened yet. Maybe you'll discover something else you love. Maybe we both will."
"You mean, maybe I'll discover that what I really want to do is be a stay-at-home mom."
"That's not what I said."
"But that's what you mean, isn't it? Like a good wife."
"Now you know that's not what I meant," said Kris. "Where's this coming from?"
"It seems like that's all I'm good for right now. My agent's about ready to drop me, my mom thinks I should come back to Arkansas to raise babies, and this morning I put the ice cream away in the oven."
It was obvious Kris was trying not to laugh, but a snicker escaped. "Really?"
"Don't laugh! It was all melted when I found it later."
"I'm sorry," said Kris, brushing his fingers gently up her side. "But it was a little funny."
"Was not," she said, elbowing him. "I cried. And now we have no ice cream."
"I'll pick some up," he promised her. "I'll go right now. And as for the rest...you choose what you want to do. If you want to act, then what other people think you should be doing doesn't matter."
"Well, it kind of does, when you're an actor." Or a singer, to be fair, and she'd always encouraged him in that.
"That doesn't mean you stop trying, or stop getting better, though," he said. "We both know these things don't happen right away. Maybe you can't work when you're pregnant, but you could take a class?"
"I could take a class," she admitted. "For a little while, anyway."
"I'm sorry I'm not around more," said Kris. "I know that would make it easier on you."
"There's not much you could do to help this," she told him, though. "You can't take over carrying the baby. Believe me, if you could we'd've done that a very long time ago."
Kris's expression was such a strange mix of curiosity and discomfort that she had to laugh again, even though she felt like she was also on the cusp of tears. Again.
"It's good to have you home," she said, "Even though you might be regretting it right now."
"No," he said, "no, not even for a moment."
:::
Part of him was worried that he was going to wake Katy up, no matter how quietly he played. A bigger part of him wanted to play anyway, because they way Katy was sleeping, the way the sheet fell over her body, he could see the swell of her belly more clearly than ever. And he was playing for the baby inside more than he was playing for himself or for Katy.
"I have no idea what you're going to grow up to be like," he said softly, strumming his guitar as quietly as he could, "and what you're going to like to eat or read or what kind of music you're going to listen to. I don't even know if you have little ears to hear this with yet, but this is for you."
He sang quietly, barely audible over the guitar, and after a while he put the guitar aside and stretched out next to Katy and sang right at her belly, everything off his album, everything he'd been covering lately, a couple of songs his mother sang to him when he was little, a couple of things he and Cale had been working on, just everything that crossed his mind, and whenever it crossed his mind. He sang until his throat hurt a little, and when he finally looked up he saw that Katy was watching him.
"How long have you been awake?" he said, straightening up and reaching for a bottle of water he kept by the bed.
"A little while," she said. "I was just listening."
"Sorry," he said, then drained a little more of the bottle. "I was trying to be quiet."
"No, don't apologize," she said. "The baby liked it." And as he finished off the water, she gently rubbed her belly with one hand.
"How do you know?" he said. "Was he restless?" Or she.
"I know because she wasn't," said Katy. "Oh, she moved around a little, but no sharp kicks to anything sensitive. She likes her daddy's voice." Or he.
"Yeah?" said Kris, and he knew the baby was too little yet to really be listening, but he liked to think that he was making what little impact he could, while he could.
"We watch your interviews together," said Katy. "Okay, I watch and I talk about daddy, but that's about as together as it gets these days."
"I'm sorry-"
"No, not right now," she stopped him, rubbing her belly again. "You don't have to stop."
"I think I do," he admitted, rubbing his throat tentatively. "If I want to give a show tomorrow, anyway." But then, how many more chances was he going to get to do this? He needed to take advantage of it while he could. "Okay, well, maybe a couple more."
"I'll make you tea afterwards," Katy promised him, and Kris figured that was more than fair, though the tea would probably wait until morning because he wasn't going to ask Katy to get back out of bed after this. He wasn't sure he was going to want to get back out of bed after this, except that he needed another bottle of water.
"Any requests, then?" he said, shimmying down the bed again to sing right at her belly.
"Just something soothing," she said, "So that she goes back to sleep."
Soothing Kris could do, and it wasn't just the baby he put back to sleep (if he did, in fact, put the baby back to sleep, since he didn't really have any evidence of that either way)-when he finally looked up again Katy had fallen asleep again too, and so as quietly as he could he got up off the bed, grabbed himself some more water from the kitchen, and climbed in under the covers this time, putting his arm around both of them.
He would enjoy this for as long as he had it.
:::
"What do you think of Rachel?" said Kris over dinner, just something he threw together because he was actually at home all day, and insisting that Katy just relax and not worry about it. It was some sort of guy instinct, she guessed.
"Rachel who?" said Katy, swallowing a mouthful of her soup. "Do I know her?"
"I mean, as a name for the baby. If it's a girl."
"Oh!" said Katy. "I hadn't really...." Of course, she had thought about baby names, but she hadn't considered Rachel, and she hadn't realized that this conversation was going to start over soup one night. "What if it's a boy?"
"I don't know," said Kris, smiling at her. "David?"
"You just pulled that one out of your behind," she said. "I want to know what you really think."
"I like David as a name!" he said. "I think I know too many Davids, Daves and Davies for it to work for us, though. I haven't really sat down and thought about it, Rachel just popped into my head."
"I like it," Katy said, though non-committally. "I was thinking about stuff like Marissa, or Tiffany."
"Not Tiffany," Kris said, vetoing that one right away. Katy wasn't sure whether he just didn't like it, or if it brought back bad memories of some Tiffany who used to beat him up in grade school, but Kris didn't say. "What about Samantha?"
"I can't do Samantha after Sex and the City," said Katy. "I would always think about that, and that's just not right when it's a tiny baby."
"Fair point," said Kris, picking a bit of chicken out of his soup and balancing it on his spoon. "So that leaves out Carrie, too, because ditto. I don't know, what are you feeling? Have you ever had any names just, you know, hit you in the gut?"
"Like Rachel did for you?"
"I wouldn't say it hit me in the gut," said Kris. "It's just nice, and classic. You know? I don't want to saddle a kid with a name that ten years from know they'll be teased for."
"That's a danger with any name," said Katy. "I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a lot to do with the name itself. And classic isn't always better. I'm not naming my daughter Gertrude."
"Or our son."
"I'm not naming our son Gertrude either," said Katy, grinning at him. "We should both make lists of names, and then we can compare them."
"Is that what they suggest in your books?"
"Yes," said Katy, "but I think it's a good idea anyway. That way we won't be saying nice things just because the other person likes something. It's great to compromise on some things, but this is the name our child will have the rest of her life. Or his life. We should both actually feel good about it."
"I can do that," said Kris, "but if I do it while I’m on the road, I can't promise the guys won't make contributions to the list."
"Tell them they can make their own lists," said Katy. "That makes them easier to ignore. Except Andrew. I feel Andrew would probably have good taste in names, and is free to make contributions to your list."
"I'll tell him that," said Kris, laughing for a moment before eating more of his soup. "So are we going to find out? Whether it's a boy or a girl?"
"Do you want to?" said Katy.
"Do you want to?" said Kris.
"I asked you first."
"Okay, okay," he said. "I think we should, then. I mean, finding out now or finding out when the baby is born, it's going to be a special moment either way, and if we do it now we can both appreciate it more, plus it'll be easier to make plans."
"But we're not going with a pink or a blue color scheme," said Katy. "We're agreed on that, right?"
"Absolutely," said Kris. "So do you want to find out?"
"I do," said Katy. "At my appointment tomorrow, because both of us are there. If we don't do it tomorrow, then we'll have to wait till next time you're home."
"I think that sounds perfect," he said, and she thought she heard a little bit of relief in his voice. As if she'd ever do something like that without him there. There were enough things that he was missing that couldn't be helped; the ones they could plan together...well, there was nothing to talk about. They were doing them together.
:::
"So do you want to know?" said Kris, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited for Adam to answer.
"Do I want to know what?"
"About the baby," said Kris. "Do you want to know what we're having?"
"Fuck yes," said Adam. "Of course I want to know what you're having! How is that even a question? Did you just find out?"
"We just got back from the appointment," said Kris, "and Katy's in the shower. So."
"Kristopher Allen, this is not the time to be a tease!"
"It's a girl," Kris blurted out, because he just couldn't not. "We're having a little girl."
"That's fantastic!" said Adam. "I knew it! I totally already bought girl clothes. Of course, I was going to give them to you either way but still. I totally knew it. Congratulations!"
"Thanks," said Kris, and somehow he just felt extra warm and fuzzy now, like the baby had just suddenly become a real person, which tomorrow was probably going to scare the shit out of him but today it was just...awesome. Everything was awesome. "Would it be weird to get Katy a gift?"
"A 'congratulations on your ultrasound' gift?"
"It just feels like an occasion worth celebration. And she's pretty much doing all the work."
"Kris?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure it's always a good time to get your wife a gift."
"She'll probably think I'm weird anyway," said Kris, "but she already does, so I might as well go with my gut on this one. It was...pretty amazing. There's an actual little person in there."
"You had your doubts?"
"It's just different when you see it," said Kris, even knowing that Adam was just teasing him. "It's not just an abstract idea anymore. It's not just a thing that's going to be happening in a few months now. It's an actual little person almost ready to be born."
"You sound like you had a very moving day."
"A little girl," said Kris again. "I have to start buying stuff. You need to help me get her stuff." Kris had never been someone who went overboard with the gifting, he spoiled people with attention rather than things, but he suddenly wanted to give his child everything. Everything. All of that and more.
"You'd better not stay on the phone too long," said Adam. "If Katy gets out of the shower and you're on the phone...."
"As if she doesn't know I'm calling you," said Kris. "We're saving the family calls to do together when she gets out and we're settled. Maybe after we eat; she says she's starving. But then she's starving a lot."
"I know way too much about Katy's eating habits these days," said Adam. "Tell her congratulations from me, would you? And give her a gigantic hug, as squishy as you dare."
"I will," said Kris, and he would, he really would. One from Adam, then two from him. "We're actually going to get together again one day, right?"
"One day soon," said Adam. "We'll work it out. Sooner or later our paths have to cross, that's just the law of averages."
"Does the law of averages really work like that?"
"Well, whatever," said Adam. "Anyway, we'll get together if we have to take secret flights in the middle of the night one of these days. But I'm pretty sure it won't come to that."
"Okay, I think I hear the water going off," said Kris. "I'm going to go meet her with a huge fluffy towel."
"Congratulations again," said Adam. "That's amazing news."
"Isn't it?" said Kris, and realized he hadn't stopped smiling since they'd gotten home. Maybe not since they left the doctor's office. "Bye, Adam."
:::
This was it, this was his last show close to home before they all got back on the bus-or really, when Kris rejoined them on the bus since some of the guys never really left it-and headed north. Last night was the last night he'd be spending with his wife, and tonight was the last time he would see her before he was on the road again.
It was hard, but at the same time he was still riding the high of being able to spend so much time with them. A high that definitely carried over onto the stage.
"So I guess you all know there's a little Allen on the way," said Kris, to a tremendous cheer from the crowd.
"Another little Allen," said Cale, leaning into his mic, because short jokes just never got old.
"Another little Allen," Kris corrected himself with a laugh. "A littler Allen. And because I'm apparently going to be the dorky sort of parent who does this kind of thing, I wrote a song for her. She's actually in the audience for the first time tonight, sort of, so I figured it would be a good night to play it for you for the first time. I'm told she'll be able to hear this, so Katy, sorry if the little football player starts kicking up a storm."
The cheer that went up at that was almost deafening. Before they started, Kris sought out Katy in the front row, just barely visible beyond the lights, and she was standing there beaming at him with one hand resting on her belly. She mouthed just one word at him, "soccer," and Kris laughed blew her a kiss and then Andrew's guitar kicked in.
It wasn't exactly a lullaby sort of a song. It wasn't slow or quiet at all. But it was about how Kris was feeling these past weeks and months, so it was maybe the most crazy and joyful thing he'd written in...well, maybe ever. Crazy and loud and joyful, and from the way Katy was rubbing her belly-yeah, Kris looked, of course he looked-the baby really was having an epic reaction to the song.
He'd feel a little bit sorry about that if he wasn't feeling so great right now. And from the smile on Katy's face, she didn't really mind all that much either.
"So, what's the verdict?" he said when they were done, once he could be heard again. "Did she love it or hate it?"
Katy grinned at him, but then made the 'little of this, little of that' balancing gesture with both hands, like she couldn't quite decide. The crowd seemed willing to help her out, though, showing their appreciation again, and Kris was, as always, grateful for an audience that was this into the show. He watched Katy laugh again and put both hands back on her belly, and he guessed that their baby girl was having quite the reaction to the crowd, too. He just hoped it was a good one.
"I love you," he said later on, when they were alone and everyone was waiting for him. "I'll miss you. I'll be home again as soon as I can."
"I know," she said. "I'll be fine. I love you too."
And at least, even when they couldn't be together, they could be confident they had that.
:::
It was in Ohio that Torres broke out the baby rattle during a show, playing it into his mic during Alright With Me to the cheers of both the rest of the band and the audience. After that, it was like it was open season on him, and he was going to have a massive collection of baby things before the tour went on hiatus if they kept it up.
Cale showed up with a teddy bear backpack at the next show, and Andrew wore a sparkly plastic tiara the entire show after that. But if this was an informal competition, then Ryland was the undisputed winner when he arrived on stage in a full pink bunny suit.
Which Kris didn't know until he turned around and saw him partway through the song, ears flopping as he hit the beats. He almost lost it right then and there, but managed to push through to the end of the song.
"Ryland, get up here," he said as soon as they were done, finally letting himself crack up.
"You're the boss," said Ryland before putting his sticks down and extracting himself from the drum kit. He looked like he was expecting it. Which grown men in bunny suits really should be.
Looking at him standing up like that, Kris just bent over in half and cracked up all over again.
"You okay?" he said, deadpan, stealing Cale's mic.
Kris actually had to wave them off until he got himself back under control. "Nice threads," he got out finally.
"Well, it was a little chilly in here," said Ryland, as though he'd just put on a sweater.
"Forget chilly, you're stylin'," said Torres, and Kris had to press his lips together to keep from losing his shit again. "I need to get me one of those."
"I've got one in blue, if you're interested," said Ryland. "It was a tough choice, but I'm told pink goes better with my complexion."
"Good advice," said Cale. "It makes your cheeks just glow."
"You're just begging for a gig at my kid's first birthday, aren't you?" said Kris, shaking his head.
"Why, do you think a little kid might like this?" said Ryland, looking down at himself. "If you're sure."
Kris admired his poker face, especially in the face of Kris's own reaction and an audience that was roaring. Cale too was barely keeping it together, his knuckles starting to go white where he was gripping the mic stand.
"Well, it's a good thing you're starting early," said Kris, licking his lips and trying not to smile. "Gives you time to get good enough for my kid. Now get back to work, we've got a show to put on."
Andrew hit a chord and Ryland headed back to the drums and Cale turned his back on the cheering audience as he finally gave in to the laugh that had been bubbling up in him.
Kris turned his back on the audience for a moment too, and couldn't help giving the guys, all of them, a huge smile before carrying on with the show.
Part Three