Thanksgiving Day
I'm full.
And for the record, I only have 1 month left of "Carrie '04", which I should explain. My 2004 New Year's Resolution was to be upfront, direct and even painfully blunt to people who have wronged me (my husband nicknamed it "Carrie '04"). I didn't really have to use it that much thankfully. And I only used it when absolutely necessary. I'm careful not to use it when the injustice doesn't directly happen to ME. However, it's real tempting. See, I am an Aries which means I have a very hot temper, and my husband cracks up at me because everytime I read a description of the Aries sign, I get FURIOUS because it goes on and on about our bad tempers. (I guess it is funny, and ironic). So anyway....my point is that when someone I love is being treated poorly my initial reaction is to get mad and settle the score for them. But part of being a real grown up is knowing when to lend a hand and when to stand back and trust they can take care of themselves.
Now that we're officially in the Holiday Season, I'm getting really sad. I'm heading straight for the worst Christmas I've ever had. I can already tell that I'll be a mess on Christmas Eve, which was the day we always spent with Dad. What will we do? How do you find something else to fill that day?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning with a thought in my head. These last few months I feel like an orphan. I'm not, I still have my mother. But most of my life my parents were divorced...real divorced. So in my mind I never associated them with each other. She had her time and he had his time. And more than that, I think Matt and I (and even Josh) were different around my mother than we were with Dad. With Mom I'm the talkative, outspoken, joking- around Carrie. With Dad (especially when I grew up) I was the responsible, straight-laced, caretaker. I had a different relationship with Dad than Matt did. I didn't see him as my best friend, I saw him as someone I needed to take care of. As a child, I thought my dad was the strongest man in the world. He and I spent a lot of time together when I was pretty young, and he pretty much treated me like a boy....a good example of this is the fact that he "let" me chew Wintergreen Beechnut all the time out in the barn when Mom wasn't home...and I was only 5!!! Haha. But as I grew into a woman, I think he was intimidated by me. Then in the last few months he was alive, I assumed this role of The Caretaker. I worried about him, made sure he ate enough, called him several times a day to check on him. I even saved him a few times during diabetic attacks. I scolded him when he would do something careless or shake my head in embarrassment when he would forget to use his mental "filter" in public. So now that he's gone, I feel empty. I miss the Dad from 20 years ago who once surprised me with a golden retriever puppy for no reason...and I miss the Dad from 3 months ago who needed me.
And for the record, I only have 1 month left of "Carrie '04", which I should explain. My 2004 New Year's Resolution was to be upfront, direct and even painfully blunt to people who have wronged me (my husband nicknamed it "Carrie '04"). I didn't really have to use it that much thankfully. And I only used it when absolutely necessary. I'm careful not to use it when the injustice doesn't directly happen to ME. However, it's real tempting. See, I am an Aries which means I have a very hot temper, and my husband cracks up at me because everytime I read a description of the Aries sign, I get FURIOUS because it goes on and on about our bad tempers. (I guess it is funny, and ironic). So anyway....my point is that when someone I love is being treated poorly my initial reaction is to get mad and settle the score for them. But part of being a real grown up is knowing when to lend a hand and when to stand back and trust they can take care of themselves.
Now that we're officially in the Holiday Season, I'm getting really sad. I'm heading straight for the worst Christmas I've ever had. I can already tell that I'll be a mess on Christmas Eve, which was the day we always spent with Dad. What will we do? How do you find something else to fill that day?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning with a thought in my head. These last few months I feel like an orphan. I'm not, I still have my mother. But most of my life my parents were divorced...real divorced. So in my mind I never associated them with each other. She had her time and he had his time. And more than that, I think Matt and I (and even Josh) were different around my mother than we were with Dad. With Mom I'm the talkative, outspoken, joking- around Carrie. With Dad (especially when I grew up) I was the responsible, straight-laced, caretaker. I had a different relationship with Dad than Matt did. I didn't see him as my best friend, I saw him as someone I needed to take care of. As a child, I thought my dad was the strongest man in the world. He and I spent a lot of time together when I was pretty young, and he pretty much treated me like a boy....a good example of this is the fact that he "let" me chew Wintergreen Beechnut all the time out in the barn when Mom wasn't home...and I was only 5!!! Haha. But as I grew into a woman, I think he was intimidated by me. Then in the last few months he was alive, I assumed this role of The Caretaker. I worried about him, made sure he ate enough, called him several times a day to check on him. I even saved him a few times during diabetic attacks. I scolded him when he would do something careless or shake my head in embarrassment when he would forget to use his mental "filter" in public. So now that he's gone, I feel empty. I miss the Dad from 20 years ago who once surprised me with a golden retriever puppy for no reason...and I miss the Dad from 3 months ago who needed me.