Damn Military... Stay single or get married.
So it's been a while since I wrote on this thing. Being that no one will read this, there are a few things I need to get off my chest.
I recently found the man of my dreams. He was perfect in every way...smart, funny, gorgeous, intelligent - I could go on forever. We met in mandatory training to deploy in February. I remember the first time I saw him. It was the first day and it was "death by powerpoint." As we were filing into the theater, I saw this guy in front of me and was thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if he can be eye candy while I'm here!" Eye candy he was!!!! He was, by far, the most attractive guy I had ever seen...and (hehe) I ended up sitting next to him (not on purpose!) During our first break, I ran over to my Soldier, a PFC, and my words were, "OMG! Do you see the guy I'm sitting next to?!" From that point, I knew I had to at least try to strike up a conversation. Training was only a week long, so what did I have to lose? The worst thing that could happen was he turned me down and I'd have to avoid him the rest of the week, but since he was in a different squad, that wasn't going to be hard to do.
So that day, I managed to say a few words...being the shy person I am, it was very difficult to speak to him, but lucky for me being cold all the time, he started the first conversation. I muttered something stupid, I'm sure, but I got in a few words :) Anyways - for the rest of the week, I had all these plans to talk to him. I found out he was a Spanish Linguist so I spoke to some of the Hispanic Soldiers to get some pick-up lines in Spanish haha. I know, I'm such a nerd. Again, because of my shyness, all my "missions" were aborted. The very last day, I was talking to a SSG in my unit who was new. The only thing he cared about was getting to Iraq to be with his wife. I told him how much of a nerd I was and explained to him the week I had. Turned out, my "eye candy" had bunked in the same room as him. He told me to write my number down and he would give it to my eye candy - with him being another guy, I assumed it would be "cute" and "flirty." As soon as I gave him my number, I regretted it and begged for my number back, but he refused and ran off. To my surprise, my "eye candy" approached me an we made plans to hang out! Ca-ching!!!!
Anyways...
My point is this: After months of being with him...hell, after the first few times we were together, I knew he was pretty much it for me. He was stationed in England, yet we managed to see a lot of each other. He had all these "TDYs" and was able to "stop in Germany" to see me and I also made a trip up to England when other plans fell thru. Things were going great! I have never met anyone who made me want to better myself - not with lifestyle choices (school, saving, work, etc...), but with my attitude and how I saw things. For instance, I absolutely hated Germany from the moment I touched ground. He made me realize that my hating Germany probably had to do with me and not the country. He's such an awesome NCO that it made me Soldier up and be a better field NCO to my Soldiers. He taught me to see things differently - to look outside the box. We traveled to many places and he schooled me on the places he'd already been. So back to my point... I recently broke up with this perfect guy for me because we were going to break up in the near future because of our careers. I deeply regret it but I couldn't stay with him knowing that we'd break up when here I am, already falling head over heels for him. I don't know if my heart will be able to handle that kind of pain. In the past, break-ups weren't painful - they were difficult, but not painful. The f***ed up part is that this was a clear picture as to how my relationships (or lack thereof) will be for me. It's either stay single, stay together to break up, or get married. Knowing that he'd never in a million years go for the latter, it only left one option.
So now, here I am, alone again, knowing that I just blew it with the guy I fell in love with. What's a girl to do? After the email I sent him breaking things off, I told him not to reply because it would be too difficult for me. As much as I want to be with him, and go to Spain with him when he gets back from Afghanistan, I can't stay with him and fall deeper and deeper in love knowing that we'd break up before the end of the year. Forget all that "don't put your eggs in one basket" BS because it doesn't work. Your heart wants what it wants and if you don't give your heart what it wants, it's going to take revenge on you.
I leave with this - a great song I've found comfort (and pity) in since I've made a horrible mistake...
I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?
It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…
A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane
The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears