Open letter and last post for a while
It's been a day and a half since you unceremoniously dumped me on Friday evening, and since then I've cried for hours, across hundreds of miles, to family and a few friends over the phone, and mostly in bed, pleading at the air and God to make everything go away. I've wiped every social media account I can think of that connects me to you, I've deleted you from my contacts on Gmail, my phone, Facebook, and I've sent back or thrown away every email and any memento that has your name or face or touch to them. This is how hurt I was, still am, and I am determined that you should be informed of this. You hurt me so badly, to the point where I frequently want to imagine that you went through the same thing, but based on our last conversation, your words and your tone, I can't be so sure of that.
Breaking up is usually a mutual thing. There should be signs, and maybe there were, but we always seemed to recover to the point where I was convinced that we would persevere. You wouldn't leave even a friend out in the cold, but that's exactly where you left me when you called me at 5:22 PM on Friday, January 25, 2013, less than 24 hours since you told me you still wanted to continue our relationship, less than a week since we cried together and held each other and kissed each other and comforted each other. You didn't tell me you were angry at me, only that you wanted to break up, and had made the decision after a night of thinking. Even then, you didn't offer an explanation.
No one who's a true friend, no one who truly cares about me, would do that. I had to plead with you through text and email, which is when you replied back and told me you no longer have feelings for me as more than a friend. I have pondered this, and pondered this, and pondered this. I have never felt so hurt or betrayed. If what you say is true, then you have been lying to me for months. You have kept my hopes up -- I wasn't the only one who mentioned my desires for the future -- and you have used me to build a fantasy you had no intention of carrying out.
Two hours after speaking with you, I threw up. My stomach was a mess. I have been asked a few times if I would still want to see you face to face. I want to say yes, in my heart I yearn to touch your face and your arms and hug you tightly around the waist. I miss your beard, and your beautiful eyes, and your smooth skin, and how your forehead wrinkles. I miss your perfect teeth and your throat and your voice. I miss the warmth and strength of your body, and hearing you laugh. Twenty-four hours after you broke up with me, I would have jumped at the chance had you changed your mind. But you said you didn't have feelings for me anymore. Frankly, I don't believe it. I don't believe it. And I would have taken something like, "Jeny, I still have feelings for you, but I don't feel emotionally ready to keep this relationship going right now," any day over what you did say.
I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I have never cried so long nor so intensely. I have never forsaken my responsibilities, both professional and personal, in order to begin the painful journey towards recovery. I have never crawled back to my parents' home so quickly, utterly frightened and devastated. I sincerely loved you, and I gave you everything, and let you into so many cherished parts of my life. Everything now is tainted with your memory. Cars, family members, food, movies. My work and life in Baraboo. I want to remain your friend, but it's difficult. I want to see you, but I feel like I would just die inside upon sight. That's what it feels like, like you kept me as a girlfriend until you had had your fill, and then when you decided you were done, you left.
I know you are a good person and will continue to be one. I know that you have your family's best interests at heart, and that you care genuinely about people, and you work hard, and you are compassionate and kind. You are everything I have ever wanted in a partner, and it sickens me how rare people like you are, and how unlikely I am to ever love someone this much again. I keep on thinking back to how easy it was, and how I could guess your every thought, and how I reveled in that because it made me feel close to you in a way I've never been with anyone else.
I'm writing this because I don't know how to move on from here. I wanted to communicate my side of things, and tell you that while I want to be your friend, I don't know if it's possible, at least in the short term. Everything is still surreal, and severely painful. I am not like many other people, who can be so determined to be distracted. I take everything very close to heart, which is why I am able to be caring and empathetic. It hurts, everything still hurts. I still love you, I still love you so much, but the thought of seeing you makes me want to throw up. How can these two emotions be reconciled? I guess if I figure it out, you'll know.
Breaking up is usually a mutual thing. There should be signs, and maybe there were, but we always seemed to recover to the point where I was convinced that we would persevere. You wouldn't leave even a friend out in the cold, but that's exactly where you left me when you called me at 5:22 PM on Friday, January 25, 2013, less than 24 hours since you told me you still wanted to continue our relationship, less than a week since we cried together and held each other and kissed each other and comforted each other. You didn't tell me you were angry at me, only that you wanted to break up, and had made the decision after a night of thinking. Even then, you didn't offer an explanation.
No one who's a true friend, no one who truly cares about me, would do that. I had to plead with you through text and email, which is when you replied back and told me you no longer have feelings for me as more than a friend. I have pondered this, and pondered this, and pondered this. I have never felt so hurt or betrayed. If what you say is true, then you have been lying to me for months. You have kept my hopes up -- I wasn't the only one who mentioned my desires for the future -- and you have used me to build a fantasy you had no intention of carrying out.
Two hours after speaking with you, I threw up. My stomach was a mess. I have been asked a few times if I would still want to see you face to face. I want to say yes, in my heart I yearn to touch your face and your arms and hug you tightly around the waist. I miss your beard, and your beautiful eyes, and your smooth skin, and how your forehead wrinkles. I miss your perfect teeth and your throat and your voice. I miss the warmth and strength of your body, and hearing you laugh. Twenty-four hours after you broke up with me, I would have jumped at the chance had you changed your mind. But you said you didn't have feelings for me anymore. Frankly, I don't believe it. I don't believe it. And I would have taken something like, "Jeny, I still have feelings for you, but I don't feel emotionally ready to keep this relationship going right now," any day over what you did say.
I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I have never cried so long nor so intensely. I have never forsaken my responsibilities, both professional and personal, in order to begin the painful journey towards recovery. I have never crawled back to my parents' home so quickly, utterly frightened and devastated. I sincerely loved you, and I gave you everything, and let you into so many cherished parts of my life. Everything now is tainted with your memory. Cars, family members, food, movies. My work and life in Baraboo. I want to remain your friend, but it's difficult. I want to see you, but I feel like I would just die inside upon sight. That's what it feels like, like you kept me as a girlfriend until you had had your fill, and then when you decided you were done, you left.
I know you are a good person and will continue to be one. I know that you have your family's best interests at heart, and that you care genuinely about people, and you work hard, and you are compassionate and kind. You are everything I have ever wanted in a partner, and it sickens me how rare people like you are, and how unlikely I am to ever love someone this much again. I keep on thinking back to how easy it was, and how I could guess your every thought, and how I reveled in that because it made me feel close to you in a way I've never been with anyone else.
I'm writing this because I don't know how to move on from here. I wanted to communicate my side of things, and tell you that while I want to be your friend, I don't know if it's possible, at least in the short term. Everything is still surreal, and severely painful. I am not like many other people, who can be so determined to be distracted. I take everything very close to heart, which is why I am able to be caring and empathetic. It hurts, everything still hurts. I still love you, I still love you so much, but the thought of seeing you makes me want to throw up. How can these two emotions be reconciled? I guess if I figure it out, you'll know.