(no subject)
I suppose I deserve all that life has delt me. It's like I don't see this shit coming. How could I not? My self destructive behavior has finally caught up with me. I feel empty. The hole you left in my heart after you left is enormous and frankly hard to deal with.
When a person loves another, they usually do everything in their power to make that bond strong and make sure that it lasts. Appearently, I'm not like everyone else. I'm scared of being loved so much that I convince myself that I'm bored or that it's not what it seems. I've learned in the past few weeks that everthing I do in counter-productive to everything that I want to acheive. As I sit here, smoking the days last cigarette, I reflect on the events that have unfolded. This is a very low point. I sit here and think, "How? How could I let this slip? How could I let myself do this? Why is it so hard to put faith in the people I love? " Strangly, this fits: now my door, it stands open. I'm inviting everyone in. we're gonna laugh, we're gonna drink until the morning comes It's sad to think that in the past month, my only enjoyment, I have witnessed through the bottom of a bottle or shot glass.
The pain of lose is one that sticks. It burns the skin like napalm. Adhearing to the heart and soul, burning, stinging, hurting, scarring... I am completely helpless, or so it feels. I surround myself with fake people in hopes that their antics will provide momentary relief of my inner suffering and lack of hope. They smile and dance; laugh and sing. Completely guilt stricten, I can't seem to bring myself to join. They live their pathetic little lives, sport their trendy tattoos,hair, and clothes. They listen to their trendy music and seem to think that everthing is fine. They know not who they are. I watch and listen thinking I can busy myself with the trivial happenings of these people.
(take a shot)
I'm empty. I hurt. I AM ALONE.
I am alone because of my actions which is why I think I deserve what I have been delt.
(take another shot)
The depression is thick this time. I can't help it. This is different from the other times. All of the other times, I've felt bad and amplified it simply to make myself feel bad. To feel at all. Sometimes I think I'm heartless. Heartless and cold. I am alone...alone.
(two more shots)
I need. SImply put, I need. What I need, I think I knwp. I think it's quite appearent. I don't feel strong anymore. I used to feel empowered by my family, friends, the people that believed in me. Now I fcan't even FORCE myself to think postive. My thoughts turn ot the bad a lot. they drift to thinkgs like, "why does this hurt? it shouldn't! FUCK HER! I shouldn't feel like this! I don't deserve to feel like this! FUCK THIS SHIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE ME! I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I think such awful thoughts.. I think everyfay about hwo we were and how we were.
(four more shots)
It's sp hard to foucs.
(thre more)_
I'm just gonnaa sayy it npow. I want you back and nedd it. I can;t feel like this anymore. you are my love.
(5more)
booze adnm femotions aren't good together
gooddfuckingnight
When a person loves another, they usually do everything in their power to make that bond strong and make sure that it lasts. Appearently, I'm not like everyone else. I'm scared of being loved so much that I convince myself that I'm bored or that it's not what it seems. I've learned in the past few weeks that everthing I do in counter-productive to everything that I want to acheive. As I sit here, smoking the days last cigarette, I reflect on the events that have unfolded. This is a very low point. I sit here and think, "How? How could I let this slip? How could I let myself do this? Why is it so hard to put faith in the people I love? " Strangly, this fits: now my door, it stands open. I'm inviting everyone in. we're gonna laugh, we're gonna drink until the morning comes It's sad to think that in the past month, my only enjoyment, I have witnessed through the bottom of a bottle or shot glass.
The pain of lose is one that sticks. It burns the skin like napalm. Adhearing to the heart and soul, burning, stinging, hurting, scarring... I am completely helpless, or so it feels. I surround myself with fake people in hopes that their antics will provide momentary relief of my inner suffering and lack of hope. They smile and dance; laugh and sing. Completely guilt stricten, I can't seem to bring myself to join. They live their pathetic little lives, sport their trendy tattoos,hair, and clothes. They listen to their trendy music and seem to think that everthing is fine. They know not who they are. I watch and listen thinking I can busy myself with the trivial happenings of these people.
(take a shot)
I'm empty. I hurt. I AM ALONE.
I am alone because of my actions which is why I think I deserve what I have been delt.
(take another shot)
The depression is thick this time. I can't help it. This is different from the other times. All of the other times, I've felt bad and amplified it simply to make myself feel bad. To feel at all. Sometimes I think I'm heartless. Heartless and cold. I am alone...alone.
(two more shots)
I need. SImply put, I need. What I need, I think I knwp. I think it's quite appearent. I don't feel strong anymore. I used to feel empowered by my family, friends, the people that believed in me. Now I fcan't even FORCE myself to think postive. My thoughts turn ot the bad a lot. they drift to thinkgs like, "why does this hurt? it shouldn't! FUCK HER! I shouldn't feel like this! I don't deserve to feel like this! FUCK THIS SHIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE ME! I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I think such awful thoughts.. I think everyfay about hwo we were and how we were.
(four more shots)
It's sp hard to foucs.
(thre more)_
I'm just gonnaa sayy it npow. I want you back and nedd it. I can;t feel like this anymore. you are my love.
(5more)
booze adnm femotions aren't good together
gooddfuckingnight