(no subject)
I have faith that life gets better, but that does not seem to help me make it through the days when life just sucks.
My complaints are the usual. I am broke and stuck in a relationship with no future.
I just paid off some credit card from when I was in college. $1051.50. I can't even remember what I purchased with that card five years ago. The lawyers were quite nice, like pay now or go to court and triple the money you owe. Quite the lose-lose situation.
I got drunk last night and started crying in the bar. Yep, I was that guy. luckily the bar tender was pretty cool.
This is the thing that is the worst. I am becoming something i've never wanted to be, dependent on a man. I am repulsed by the idea of it. I pay my rent and my bills, it's the little in between things though. The rides to work and all. I am starting to feel trapped. At the same time, I see my friends and sisters who find these guys who pay their bills and they love it. So maybe I am thinking, damn boyfriend person, you make four times as much money as i do, fucking pay my bills.
It is a double edge sword. I don't feel like I could leave now, yet it's not like the benefits are the same as some other girls, who pay nothing. And if I left JT, I would not have a boyfriend for a long long time, so I really would have to start making more money and being on my own again, and I don't really want that.
So yes, I am staying with a guy I have luke warm feelings about because I am afraid to be alone. There I said it now. It is easier to be with a man then be on your own. There is some perception that someone is taking care of me. Is it true? I don't know. If it were, I would not be feeling money stress. I would have a fucking ring on my finger. I would not cry at Valentine's advertisements, or get mad at JT when he chews gum with his mouth open.
I feel very lonely and unloved. You aren't supposed to feel those things when you are with someone.
I really need a therapist. I need to work on some of my issues asap. I feel like my whole brain is fucked up beause of the examples I was given as a child. My mom never left my dad, because she didn't have the money and she had so many fucking kids. I never want to depend on a man because i don't want that shit to happen to me. My father was a domineering asshole, so I only chose men who are passive. Lastly, my father deeply hurt me by inflicting the "you are not worthy of love if you are not thin" bullshit. I mean the man said you will never have a good job, you will never find a man who will love you....blah blah blah.
This is like the worst, whiny, live journal entry ever. I think about making it private, but then I am like fuck it, i am whiny sometimes, why should this be excluded from my record of thoughts?
My complaints are the usual. I am broke and stuck in a relationship with no future.
I just paid off some credit card from when I was in college. $1051.50. I can't even remember what I purchased with that card five years ago. The lawyers were quite nice, like pay now or go to court and triple the money you owe. Quite the lose-lose situation.
I got drunk last night and started crying in the bar. Yep, I was that guy. luckily the bar tender was pretty cool.
This is the thing that is the worst. I am becoming something i've never wanted to be, dependent on a man. I am repulsed by the idea of it. I pay my rent and my bills, it's the little in between things though. The rides to work and all. I am starting to feel trapped. At the same time, I see my friends and sisters who find these guys who pay their bills and they love it. So maybe I am thinking, damn boyfriend person, you make four times as much money as i do, fucking pay my bills.
It is a double edge sword. I don't feel like I could leave now, yet it's not like the benefits are the same as some other girls, who pay nothing. And if I left JT, I would not have a boyfriend for a long long time, so I really would have to start making more money and being on my own again, and I don't really want that.
So yes, I am staying with a guy I have luke warm feelings about because I am afraid to be alone. There I said it now. It is easier to be with a man then be on your own. There is some perception that someone is taking care of me. Is it true? I don't know. If it were, I would not be feeling money stress. I would have a fucking ring on my finger. I would not cry at Valentine's advertisements, or get mad at JT when he chews gum with his mouth open.
I feel very lonely and unloved. You aren't supposed to feel those things when you are with someone.
I really need a therapist. I need to work on some of my issues asap. I feel like my whole brain is fucked up beause of the examples I was given as a child. My mom never left my dad, because she didn't have the money and she had so many fucking kids. I never want to depend on a man because i don't want that shit to happen to me. My father was a domineering asshole, so I only chose men who are passive. Lastly, my father deeply hurt me by inflicting the "you are not worthy of love if you are not thin" bullshit. I mean the man said you will never have a good job, you will never find a man who will love you....blah blah blah.
This is like the worst, whiny, live journal entry ever. I think about making it private, but then I am like fuck it, i am whiny sometimes, why should this be excluded from my record of thoughts?