perfect irony
talked to gino for a while tday, i definately gotta give that kid big props for not hating me after the bullshit i pulled on him. lara hasnt been on today (insert sad face w/ tear) talked to this kid from kansas city in drivers ed for a while today and he seemed cool. im just slipping into depression more as the days go by and how funny that i never know how i really feel except when im in pain. i am looking forward to sb cuz i need a distractin and i am practically in tears a lot more lately and hopefully its because of something i cant controll but i dunno i just cant get enough time to myself w/o someone bugging me to be able to cry even though i should prolly just let it go whatever it is if anything and every time i think of alexa my heart breaks like a glass dropped on tile. im never gunna get to see her again and i hate that she has julie as a mother and cant help but think of how horrible her life is going to be in comparison to if she would be wth us, and i just have to accept that i have to let her go because thats not going t happen but every time i hear her cute chipmunk voice or hear her say she loves and misses me and no one reads to her anymore and she has to stay in the back alone while everyone smokes in the living room i feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest but i have to let her go because theres no way we are going to get her and theres nothing i can do about it and just thinking about her causes more pain. i feel so alone and completely helpless. i have lost controll of everything in my life and its killing me because i hate not having controll especially of even th small aspects of my life.