haven't done this in a while ..
wow, i have not posted a long entry in quite some time. i dont like posting much on lj anymore though. i'm over it. however, that is all about to change on this very special occasion. i am going to vent like i have never vented before.
ready. set. go.
college. i am so over this get-into-college-application-sat process, and i've barely even started. i'm lost and confused about every aspect. 1. i can't help but compare myself to people. i know i shouldnt, and when people come crying to me about how stressed they are about not getting into wash u, i tell them not to stress because we're all going to get in somewhere, and chances are that if you're applying to wash u, you're going to get into an amazing school anyhow. BUT, when i'm the one crying and stressed and lost and confused, i can't calm myself down. i can't take the advice i give to other people. 2. i am WAY too hard on myself. I'm not a retard, I have a good GPA, and I've got dance co., along with art classes that I've taken throughout high school. IS IT MY FAULT THAT I'M NOT A GOOD TEST TAKER AND DIDN'T SCORE AMAZINGLY ON THE SATS? and should i really be punished for it? that's the only thing that is bringing me down as far as what schools to apply to, or where i should be looking. ONE FUCKING TEST IS GOING TO DETERMINE WHERE I'M GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE?! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate the SATs, I hate the competition, I hate that my parents' money is being wasted on tutors and outside school counselors ... I hate that everyone needs to know what you got on your SATs or what company youre using to prepare. Or where you're applying. Or where you're thinking of applying. HELP.
dance co. this is it. it's my senior year, and dance co. is not going the way i wanted it to. i was looking forward to being on dance co. forever, and i finally get in only to find that my senior year is taken over by someone who just doesn't get it. i feel bad that I am always complaining about it, but in the same respect ... I'M A SENIOR ON COMPANY. why doesn't it feel like that? I didn't get into Laura's piece. Apprentices (or lack thereof) got in. Freshman got in. They have so much time ahead of them. This is my last shot. There is no next year on company for me. I never make auditions. I'm cursed in the test-taking-audition area. It's just not my thing. The fact that I detached my tendon from my bone doesn't help much either. Whatever. I didn't make her piece. because I didn't make it, I didn't get the dancers I requested for rounds, and I rehearse opposite Laura, so I've gotten A HALF HOUR in the studio! That's it. 30 MINUTES. Every other choreographer except for Chelsea and Mccall has gotten AT LEAST an hour and a half in the studio. WTF?! It is so INFURIATING!!! On top of that, the company is more separated than ever before .. last year, it felt like a company. It felt like I was part of a family, and I was excited to go to dance every day. I can almost say I dread going this year. I thought that she would lighten up with the dress code and the homework, but no. We still have to dress in black every single day. It's starting to depress me. It's dreary and harder to find people when you need them. The homework ... is dance company a class? has it ever been a class? Oh, wait. no. NEVER. the more i talk about it, the more frusterated i am with it all. part of me wants to quit, but the other part is telling me that this is what i've wanted forever. am i just going to let that all slip away? I miss company last year. I miss the the graduated seniors. I miss the bonding time. She doesn't want to hear us. there is no senior priority. in anything! we have not had one conversation about how the dancers feel. I feel like I am about to explode each time I walk into the studio. I want Janet or Roni or Liz to come back. They all understood. They understood us. I miss it.
I keep waiting for it to get better ... too bad it isn't.
In other areas: I'm pretty much failing English. I don't understand the laws of physics. Math is getting old. History puts me to sleep. And art is harder than I thought it would be.
Not all is horrible, though ... the Chili Peppers concert was amazing. I met Carter. My friends are incredible, and I love my family.
And lastly, Jesse and I have been together for 8 months!
ready. set. go.
college. i am so over this get-into-college-application-sat process, and i've barely even started. i'm lost and confused about every aspect. 1. i can't help but compare myself to people. i know i shouldnt, and when people come crying to me about how stressed they are about not getting into wash u, i tell them not to stress because we're all going to get in somewhere, and chances are that if you're applying to wash u, you're going to get into an amazing school anyhow. BUT, when i'm the one crying and stressed and lost and confused, i can't calm myself down. i can't take the advice i give to other people. 2. i am WAY too hard on myself. I'm not a retard, I have a good GPA, and I've got dance co., along with art classes that I've taken throughout high school. IS IT MY FAULT THAT I'M NOT A GOOD TEST TAKER AND DIDN'T SCORE AMAZINGLY ON THE SATS? and should i really be punished for it? that's the only thing that is bringing me down as far as what schools to apply to, or where i should be looking. ONE FUCKING TEST IS GOING TO DETERMINE WHERE I'M GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE?! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate the SATs, I hate the competition, I hate that my parents' money is being wasted on tutors and outside school counselors ... I hate that everyone needs to know what you got on your SATs or what company youre using to prepare. Or where you're applying. Or where you're thinking of applying. HELP.
dance co. this is it. it's my senior year, and dance co. is not going the way i wanted it to. i was looking forward to being on dance co. forever, and i finally get in only to find that my senior year is taken over by someone who just doesn't get it. i feel bad that I am always complaining about it, but in the same respect ... I'M A SENIOR ON COMPANY. why doesn't it feel like that? I didn't get into Laura's piece. Apprentices (or lack thereof) got in. Freshman got in. They have so much time ahead of them. This is my last shot. There is no next year on company for me. I never make auditions. I'm cursed in the test-taking-audition area. It's just not my thing. The fact that I detached my tendon from my bone doesn't help much either. Whatever. I didn't make her piece. because I didn't make it, I didn't get the dancers I requested for rounds, and I rehearse opposite Laura, so I've gotten A HALF HOUR in the studio! That's it. 30 MINUTES. Every other choreographer except for Chelsea and Mccall has gotten AT LEAST an hour and a half in the studio. WTF?! It is so INFURIATING!!! On top of that, the company is more separated than ever before .. last year, it felt like a company. It felt like I was part of a family, and I was excited to go to dance every day. I can almost say I dread going this year. I thought that she would lighten up with the dress code and the homework, but no. We still have to dress in black every single day. It's starting to depress me. It's dreary and harder to find people when you need them. The homework ... is dance company a class? has it ever been a class? Oh, wait. no. NEVER. the more i talk about it, the more frusterated i am with it all. part of me wants to quit, but the other part is telling me that this is what i've wanted forever. am i just going to let that all slip away? I miss company last year. I miss the the graduated seniors. I miss the bonding time. She doesn't want to hear us. there is no senior priority. in anything! we have not had one conversation about how the dancers feel. I feel like I am about to explode each time I walk into the studio. I want Janet or Roni or Liz to come back. They all understood. They understood us. I miss it.
I keep waiting for it to get better ... too bad it isn't.
In other areas: I'm pretty much failing English. I don't understand the laws of physics. Math is getting old. History puts me to sleep. And art is harder than I thought it would be.
Not all is horrible, though ... the Chili Peppers concert was amazing. I met Carter. My friends are incredible, and I love my family.
And lastly, Jesse and I have been together for 8 months!