(no subject)

Apr 04, 2004 23:12

well im sitting here now drinking my coke, im so fucking sore i dont know what to do. I feel so weird all the fuckin time and the more fun i have with people from my school, i dont want to leave. I get this gut wrenching feeling that im going to die and be on fucking wellfare, like my fucking mom, but shes not on wellfare anymore shes on medical pay cuz shes fuckin crazy not like u and me but she did crank so much that she has seisures all the time so she has to take these hardcore fucking meds...SHIT!!...and then my grandma is fuckin naggin me non stop!! Dammit I wish i could still cut myself but it hurts now it didnt hurt when i was 10th grade i just remember the blood no pain really, even when i used a steak knife i dont remember hurting...I really admire mallory O'day she is so indepent and carefree its a very beautiful thing to be like that. I always wanted to be free but not knowing where im going to sleep at night fuckin scares the shit outta me. Im jealous of her shes great... dont think i like ian anymore im too fuckin ugly too like people its a waste a time. Tim told me im the kind of person that likes people who i could never have or would never want me. I know im not hot but i think im doable hopefully. I feel very ???????? deep who wants to talk about if god really exists? I DO! I DO! I DO! well then ask the fucker why did he make everything so fucked up. I remember i wanTED to die in 10th grade because i thought i was gay and i was like fuck u god fuck u fuck u!!!! because its not my fault ya know... so i was like hello mr IBprofuen, but then i just got a bad tummy ache! but religion is a very interesting thing ya know oh fuck im talkin to much i gotta go.
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