vixx: let's fast forward
Title: let's fast forward
Pairing: Ken/Leo, OT6
Rating: PG - mild language
Word Count: 5.1k
Summary: Taekwoon's still not sure how it all happened. All he knows is Jaehwan definitely wasn't a kid seven hours ago.
It starts when Jaehwan climbs into bed with Taekwoon for the first time. “I’m cold.” That’s the excuse, but Taekwoon knows Jaehwan runs on a warm setting almost twenty-four hours a day. It doesn’t stop Taekwoon, though, from pressing his cold toes to Jaehwan’s warm calves at night when he knows the younger is sound asleep.
One morning he wakes up to something very different.
Taekwoon opens his eyes to the ceiling. On mornings like these, he stretches his arms out wide, usually hitting Jaehwan in the shoulder, face, whatever, and lays his hands on the other’s arm, just to make sure he didn’t cause too much damage. As a precaution. Yeah.
But as the sunlight hits his eyes, his hands find nothing, and there’s an empty spot beside him. The place where Jaehwan should be is cold, his body long gone from the covers. Taekwoon’s minute investigation ends with a shrill scream that comes from the living room. Screaming is normal; this is normal.
As he shuffles out of the room, he’s vaguely aware it’s Hakyeon’s scream that is blaring through the air, like a siren -- loud and ceaseless. That’s very normal, and Taekwoon’s worries are put to rest. His stomach growls, and he hopes no one’s thrown out the cereal; food is his next target.
His hunger pains are forgotten when he puts a foot outside his doorway. Hakyeon’s yelling at the couch, and Taekwoon’s vaguely aware of words being hurled through the air, but Taekwoon only has eyes for the small figure on the couch. A little kid. Hakyeon’s fuming, and Hongbin and Wonsik are staring, stunned, flanking either side of their leader.
The kid has a petulant expression on his face, little arms crossed. Hakyeon’s saying something about responsibility, but that’s stupid. How can -- what, a four-year-old? -- have responsibilities?
What’s a four-year-old doing in their dorm?
The child sees Taekwoon and leaps off the couch, running to him. And Taekwoon doesn’t really mean to open his arms; he doesn’t mean to pick up the little boy either. It just kind of happens. The boy buries his face in the Taekwoon’s neck, and Hakyeon stomps toward them. He instinctively holds the kid away from Hakyeon.
“Did you know about this?”
Taekwoon raises an eyebrow.
“Hyung,” Hongbin chimes in. “Calm down. There’s no way--”
“We have a baby running around the house, and we have a schedule tomorrow. I’m gonna kill Jaehwan.”
The kid squirms in Taekwoon’s arms.
“How would I?” Taekwoon questions. He just woke up, how is he to be held accountable for the kid?
Hakyeon flings his hands at the boy. His face is red, and this is the most upset Taekwoon’s seen Hakyeon since Hongbin and Sanghyuk hid his box of makeup. “He came out of your room; I’m sure you would’ve noticed something like this!”
Taekwoon frowns.
Hakyeon rips the boy out of Taekwoon’s arms -- a feat considering how tightly Taekwoon was gripping him -- and holds him at arm’s length and shakes him. “What the hell did you do? Huh?”
Taekwoon’s shocked at Hakyeon’s behavior, especially since Hakyeon’s self-proclaimed love for kids can almost rival Taekwoon’s own, but it turns into confusion when Hakyeon shouts, “Jaehwan! Why the hell are you like this?”
Excuse me?
The kid pouts and starts to kick his legs, striking Hakyeon in the chest. “Lemme go!”
And no doubt, that voice -- that face -- is Jaehwan’s. Of course, it’s obscured by childish features, but if you took Jaehwan and rewound the clock nearly two decades then yes, it’s Jaehwan.
But how?
Jaehwan drops out of Hakyeon’s hands and rushes behind Hongbin’s back to hide himself. “Make him stop!”
“Hyung,” Hongbin says to Hakyeon. “He’s just a kid. He doesn’t understand.” When Hakyeon starts marching toward them, Hongbin dives behind Wonsik’s back, pushing him forward.
Wonsik grabs Hakyeon as the oldest flails about, face red and steam coming out of his ears. “Calm down!”
Taekwoon thinks he understands why Hakyeon’s so angry. Today they might have the day off, but tomorrow is a day packed full of interviews, and Jaehwan may have said something last week about wanting to be a kid again. But how? How in the world are you an adult one day and a pre-schooler the next?
Taekwoon stands befuddled by the door as Hakyeon tries to kill everyone and himself, and Jaehwan starts crying big, awful tears.
“I’m home--” Sanghyuk chooses to walk through the front door at that moment and stops when he sees what’s going on in their dorm. “Never mind, I’m not home yet.”
Hakyeon grabs him by the arm and drags him inside. “Did you know about this?” He points a finger at Jaehwan who is still cowering behind Hongbin who is still using Wonsik as a human shield.
Sanghyuk shifts on the spot. “About what.”
“The kid! The kid, Sanghyuk, that is our bandmate!”
“Oh, that.” Sanghyuk now has four pairs of eyes on him -- Hongbin refuses to look at anything beside the backs of Wonsik’s shoulders -- and he laughs a bit like he’s nervous. “Well, he’s just a kid. Maybe I did give him a cereal bar and put him on the couch. Is that a crime?”
“Wait, you left without telling anyone?” Wonsik is the one to speak up this time.
Sanghyuk shrugs. “He needs something to eat, right? We don’t have anything kid-friendly.” He holds up the two grocery bags.
“Oh my god.” Hakyeon stumbles to the couch and flops face-down onto it. “Oh my god,” he repeats into the cushion.
In this amount of time, Jaehwan’s wandered back over to Taekwoon, and has proceeded to tug on the elder’s hand. “Hyung, are you mad?”
He talks like a kid, stumbling over the words, but Taekwoon can only think of the obnoxious Jaehwan that he knows. He reaches down and ruffles the dark hair. “No.”
Jaehwan’s looking up at him, though, eyes still puffy and frown still so large and sad. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” But Taekwoon knows that it really isn’t.
The first thing to do was get their managers in on the big secret. Lee Jaehwan is now a four-year-old and isn’t suitable to fill his usual role in the group. There was a little (just a little) disbelief upon first hearing the news, but after Hakyeon presented the kid the idea was accepted pretty quickly.
“Just fix it.”
But how?
“You know,” Wonsik says, carrying ankle-biter Jaehwan on his back, “he’s not half-bad now that he’s all shrunken, and, you know, can’t yell at me.” Wonsik races around the living room like this, drawing out high-pitched giggles and “again, again!” from his former hyung.
“This is too weird,” Hongbin laments.
Taekwoon has to agree.
Jaehwan the kid truthfully isn’t much different from the grown-up version. He’s still devious and affectionate and so silly. The main difference is that Jaehwan always tells Taekwoon that he’s the favorite hyung. Which Jaehwan would say it before, but now everyone is a hyung to him, and--
That definitely isn’t the reason why Taekwoon smiles a little more.
“Wow,” Sanghyuk laughs after dinner. “I’m a hyung, too!”
Hakyeon hits him on the back of the head.
Jaehwan can’t keep wearing his now over-sized shirts, and Taekwoon brings this up the afternoon after Jaehwan’s state was discovered. Hakyeon levels him with a look and says gravely, “Then we must go shopping.”
The mall is a hideous place, teeming with people and germs, and Taekwoon holds Jaehwan’s hand a little tighter as they meander through the place. It’s Taekwoon, Jaehwan, and Hakyeon who made the trip today as anything larger and girls would surely start popping out of the potted plants to ask for signatures.
“Okay, we just go in and out.”
Taekwoon nods, hand still wrapped firmly around Jaehwan’s, and the three walk into the bargain clothing store. Hakyeon’s point was, why spend money on something Jaehwan won’t need in a week? But that’s the problem. It’s been two days that Jaehwan’s been like this, and there’s no sign that he’ll ever be back to being normal-sized.
Taekwoon turns off that thought.
They browse through the store, Hakyeon going through piles of kid’s clothes faster than a mother at a fifty-percent off sale. Taekwoon just holds his arms out as the stack piles up. For someone so concerned about not wasting money, Hakyeon’s picking out a lot of stuff. Jaehwan giggles at the ever-growing pile that slowly blocks Taekwoon’s face.
“Stay,” Taekwoon orders the kid, and Jaehwan latches onto the bottom of Taekwoon’s shirt.
“Yesterday I saw--” and Jaehwan launches into a long speech about how he saw a policeman yesterday, why wasn’t he in his car, why didn’t he have handcuffs with him, does he get hungry, what would he have to eat, if he were a policeman he’d carry around a bag of food with him in his car, where was the car, Taekwoon-hyung, why aren’t you a policeman?
“I--” but Hakyeon puts a shirt on the pile, sufficiently blocking all of Taekwoon’s breathing orifices.
The two take Jaehwan into the dressing rooms, and after playing rock-paper-scissors Hakyeon gets to take their chibi-fied bandmate in and dress him up. Taekwoon opts to stay outside and yea or nay the choices. Hakyeon open the door no less than fifty times and each time Taekwoon has the same response.
“He looks fine.”
To which, Hakyeon will heave and sigh and complain. But as soon as the door closes, Taekwoon pretends he doesn’t hear the irritation in Hakyeon’s voice ebb away and sound more like he’s mothering a real child, instead of his usual self that reigns in five full grown men. Motherhood suits him, Taekwoon thinks.
“Aw, is he yours?”
Hakyeon’s just opened the door for the last time, and the three are frozen in the dressing room, staring at the middle-aged lady. This is a family dressing room so it’s not surprising that she’s there; it’s more surprising that she’s either mistaking them as a family of three or Jaehwan is someone’s son, or….
“No,” Hakyeon says quickly. “He’s my, uh, sister’s.”
“Aw, I can see the resemblance.” She moves on, and the three speedily move out.
“If I look anything like this brat then I need to consult a plastic surgeon.”
That’s a little harsh.
It’s only when they’re out of the store that Taekwoon notices a small hand isn’t in his, and when he looks at Hakyeon’s hand it doesn’t have a small hand in it either. Oh no. Taekwoon’s senses hop into overdrive, and he starts walking around Hakyeon in circles. “What’s the matter?”
“Jaehwan. He’s….”
Hakyeon yelps when he notices the kid’s gone. He grabs Taekwoon by the shoulders and starts shaking him. “He would do this. I’d buy him clothes, and then he’d leave us. Of course, he’d do this--”
“He’s four.”
Hakyeon stops mid-rant and looks out over the sea of people around them. “Oh god.”
“Yeah.”
Hakyeon takes off, shrieking, and Taekwoon trails behind, not shrieking. “Jaehwa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!” Hakyeon’s brushing past people, and Taekwoon’s aware that this may not be the most effective way to go about locating a lost band member. But what can he do?
He grabs Hakyeon by the back of his jacket’s hood, and says, “I know where he is.” It’s a sudden realization, one that only comes with being so in tune with the person in question, and Taekwoon’s not sure how he feels about it. Probably good if his assumption turns out right. Because he can’t deny that losing a three foot breathing creature that used to be the guy who was his personal heater won’t haunt him forever.
The two walk over to the mall’s play area, and there he is. Sitting in the fake police car. Taekwoon walks over, and Jaehwan’s face lights up when he recognizes him. “Hyung, put money in it!”
“Hey,” Hakyeon starts. “You really scared us shi--” Taekwoon knocks his shoulder. “Crapless,” the older amends. “You scared the crap out of us. You can’t walk off, okay? You need to stay next to me and the rest of your hyungs, got it?”
“Yeah, uh-huh, but, please, hyung, put money in the car!”
Taekwoon nods.
“I can’t believe this!” Hakyeon wails.
In short, the trip to the mall wasn’t the best of days.
It’s been five days since Jaehwan’s turned into a child, and people are starting to wonder when cute main vocal Ken is going to come back. The story is spread that he’s sick, but Jaehwan can only be “sick” for so long before something more permanent happens. There’s no telling when that will be. Jaehwan’s lines are spread throughout the group, and Taekwoon’s voice already feels the strain.
Taekwoon really misses Jaehwan.
“Don’t color there!” Jaehwan knocks Taekwoon’s hand out of the way, scolding him for coloring on the “wrong” spot. “Over here.” The kid redirects Taekwoon’s much larger hand to a different part of the page.
“Why can’t I?”
Jaehwan frowns, puffing out his cheeks, and he looks so much like the old Jaehwan. The literal older Jaehwan. “Because you’re gonna ruin--” and he starts spitting out nonsensical reasons.
Taekwoon’s not sure how long this is going to last. He likes young Jaehwan and all, but it’s weird. This is weird. Jaehwan shouldn’t be having to relearn how to write; he shouldn’t be struggling to color inside the lines; he shouldn’t be four. And the thought occurs to Taekwoon, what if he has to grow up all over again?
And that’s the scary part.
If this isn’t temporary, what will they do? How do you give someone their son back and say, he’s four again, please, take him. You can’t. Unless you have the answers, and Taekwoon nor anyone else could possibly know why this happened at all.
“Are you mad?”
Taekwoon looks up to see Jaehwan’s big eyes looking at him. “No.”
“Your forehead’s all wrinkly.” Jaehwan scrunches his face and wiggles his fingers to show the idea. “You look mad.”
“How about you write your name?”
Jaehwan, under the guidance of favorite hyung Taekwoon, writes his name in messy hangul. “I did it!”
“You did.”
“How do you spell your name?”
They continue to spell things until Wonsik swoops in and snatches away Jaehwan. “My turn.”
Jaehwan and Wonsik laugh into the sunset (living room) together, and Taekwoon’s left with a box of crayons and a color book. He sighs, but a person flops down beside him. “Is he gonna be like that forever?” Hongbin’s voice is hushed, and Taekwoon feels the lump of frustration in his throat. Hongbin’s only voicing what everyone’s thinking.
“I don’t know.”
“What happens if we have to replace him?”
Taekwoon swallows and pillows his head on his arms. “I don’t know.”
“Or we could keep him this size,” Sanghyuk offers. “For once I get to be a hyung.”
Hakyeon gives him a look.
“I mean, who doesn’t like seeing boys with kids? We have our own kid; that’s like a package deal. All the radio hosts would love him.”
“Sanghyuk.”
“We’ll just change his name and say he’s Hakyeon-hyung’s sister’s son. Or Wonsik-hyung’s. Anyway, he’s someone’s nephew.”
Hakyeon puts down his chopsticks. “I don’t wanna hear another word about it.”
Sanghyuk shrugs. “We’re missing out on a great opportunity.”
Jaehwan chooses that moment to blow Sanghyuk a raspberry, and the former youngest happily returns it. Hakyeon rolls his eyes. “Your age is showing.”
Taekwoon blocks out the dinner chatter and stares at the wall. He doesn’t really want to keep thinking about the future now that Jaehwan has one completely different from the rest of them.
“I second the notion,” Wonsik says, raising his hand into the air. “I think Jaehwan should stay with us.”
Hakyeon puts his face in his hands. “You do realize that we are in no way, shape, or form prepared to raise a child.”
Wonsik shrugs. “How hard can it be?”
It turns out to be very hard, Wonsik discovers a day later. Wonsik walks into his room to find his multitude of hats scattered across the floor, crushed and very much not as “snappy” as they originally were. Jaehwan’s also taken the time to write his name in toothpaste on the door. The howl that comes from Wonsik is one that can be heard for miles.
“Who was watching the kid?” Wonsik roars.
Which no one was, but-- In fact, where is Jaehwan? And where is Taekwoon?
Taekwoon carries Jaehwan on his back as they go to the nearest park. Wonsik can take care of the mess in his room on his own. Taekwoon suspects Hongbin had been keeping an eye on Jaehwan and fell asleep on the job; Taekwoon just came along and saved Jaehwan from Wonsik’s wrath.
“Fast! Fast!” Taekwoon obeys Jaehwan’s command and races down the sidewalk, issuing giggles from Jaehwan. Taekwoon takes turns between walking and running to keep Jaehwan on his toes, and this keeps Jaehwan in good spirits for the entire trip to the park.
However, once they get there that’s a different story.
“No.”
Taekwoon doesn’t know how he feels about this turn of events. “No?”
Jaehwan shakes his head, sticking his nose up at the swing. “I don’t wanna.”
“How about you slide?”
“No.”
“Go on and play.”
Jaehwan folds his arms and drops to his bottom on the playground rocks. “No!”
Taekwoon blinks and sits in the rocks as well. “Fine.”
Jaehwan looks at him, still trying to be angry. “Hyung, no!” He jumps up from where he sits and shakes Taekwoon’s shoulder. “No!”
“Well, what do you want?” Jaehwan points at the swing. “So get on it.”
The kid shakes his head, his fists balled up and pout growing. He points at Taekwoon, stamping his foot on the rocks. Taekwoon realizes what Jaehwan wants. Standing up, Taekwoon slowly sits on the swing, and Jaehwan starts clapping his hands together. Jaehwan runs to the swing beside him and starts to kick his legs wildly, not able to get enough momentum to swing himself.
Taekwoon laughs. “Want me to push you?”
Jaehwan nods. Soon, he’s shouting, “Higher, hyung, higher!” So Taekwoon pushes him as high as he can go, and he doesn’t hear Jaehwan’s scared pleas to stop until it’s too late. He grabs the metal chains and immediately stops the swing.
“Sorry.”
Jaehwan sniffs, his eyes shut tight, and fists tighter around the chains. “It’s- It’s okay.”
Taekwoon forgets that Jaehwan isn’t Jaehwan, and it’s just another stab to his heart. “Here, let’s walk around the park.” Jaehwan’s face brightens up, but he points to Taekwoon’s back. Taekwoon bends over so the kid can hop up. “Sooner or later you’re gonna have to walk.”
Jaehwan just giggles.
Hakyeon tucks Jaehwan into bed, and the kid demands, “Story!”
“I knew I shouldn’t have offered.” Hakyeon puts his face in his hands, and Taekwoon pokes the leader between the shoulder blades. A prod to get him to do it.
Hakyeon racks his brain. “Uh, once upon a time there was a kid named Jaehwan and he went to sleep the end.”
Jaehwan protests instantly. “No, no! Something real!”
Taekwoon snickers.
From the doorway, Wonsik announces, “I have one!” He’s gotten over the room-wrecking incident much faster than anyone anticipated and it may or may not have anything to do with the fact that he possibly made Sanghyuk clean it up.
Sanghyuk and Hongbin glare at Wonsik as he bounces over to the bed. “Once upon a time there was a guy -- a totally awesome dude -- who turned into a little kid again.”
Taekwoon and Hakyeon both start to beat Wonsik away from the bed. “What the hell is wrong with you,” Hakyeon growls.
“No, wait!” Everyone freezes and turn back toward the bed. Jaehwan’s eyes are bright and questioning, and he asks, “What happened to him?”
Wonsik brushes Taekwoon and Hakyeon away and sits on the edge of the bed. “Well, this guy was really popular. He was super funny, and everyone nominated him as resident cool dude.”
“This is so lame,” Sanghyuk comments. “I could make up a story to kick that story’s butt.”
Wonsik goes on, ignoring the opposition. “Well, one day he turns back into a little kid.”
“Oh, no,” Jaehwan whispers.
Sanghyuk tries to refrain from rolling his eyes.
Wonsik goes on, pulling crap out of thin air -- somehow the kid (that totally isn’t supposed to be Jaehwan) is a dragon slayer? -- and ends the story abruptly after his last idea is spent. “But what happened?”
Wonsik stands up. “What do you mean?”
“Did he ever- ever get big again?”
Hakyeon pinches Wonsik on the arm. “Great going.”
“Of course he did,” Wonsik says.
Everyone files out of the room after that, but Taekwoon lingers behind. He’s given up his bed for Jaehwan and has opted to sleep on the couch. He wonders how many more days he’ll have to sleep there.
“I wanna be big.” The confession is so quiet that Taekwoon barely hears it. He looks toward the bed, and Jaehwan has his big eyes focused on him.
Taekwoon doesn’t have much to say to that, but he walks over and ruffles Jaehwan’s mop of hair. “You will.”
Taekwoon’s not sure if he just lied or not.
That night Taekwoon falls onto the couch and slips into sleep, the easiest he has in weeks. Unfortunately, he has the worst dreams he’s had in weeks. He wakes up somewhere around three in the morning with a crick in his neck and an arm with no feeling. He beats his arm until the blood starts to flow back into it and makes a quick trip into the kitchen to get a drink of water. He sits at the table, trying to not think about much.
But Jaehwan, the one he knows, the one who he trained with, the one who tells him jokes when he thinks Taekwoon’s feeling down, is weighing heavily on Taekwoon’s mind. He’s moved past the whole “how” question, but “when” has taken its place. When will Jaehwan be back?
Taekwoon swirls the water around in the glass. He wants to hear Jaehwan’s laugh after making fun of Hakyeon behind his back. He wants to press his toes to warm calves after long days. Taekwoon needs to hear Jaehwan sing and stand on stage again.
Taekwoon’s left looking at the bottom of an empty glass, wondering if this thought has anything to do with something more serious.
Taekwoon doesn’t have time for serious, though. And it’s not an option now that Jaehwan’s a kindergartner. Maybe it’s like a big, flashing billboard saying, “Not meant to be.” Taekwoon would believe something like that; this has to be a sign.
Slinking back to the couch, Taekwoon wraps himself back in his blankets. He doesn’t fall asleep as easy this time.
Three days later and no change is seen. Hakyeon wears a terse expression because everyone knows that something has to be done, that Taekwoon’s voice can’t carry what Jaehwan’s can, and fans keep sending get-well presents but also want to know, when is he coming back? Even Sanghyuk picks up on the tension, and his smiles are too bright.
Jaehwan pillows his head on Taekwoon’s shoulder, lying perpendicular to the twenty-something. “Taekwoonie-hyung?”
Taekwoon tries to not smile at the cute version of his name -- it reminds him too much of the old main vocalist. “Yeah?”
“Where’s my mommy?” There’s a pout to Jaehwan’s voice, and Taekwoon knows it’s a good thing that a decision’s been reached.
“You’ll see her tomorrow. She’s on her way.”
Jaehwan’s head snuggles a little tighter against Taekwoon’s arm. “Will she take me home?”
And Taekwoon’s not sure why there’s a knot at the base of his throat when he answers, “Yeah.”
“Can you come home with me? What about the other hyungs? Who’s gonna play with me?”
“You have a brother, Jaehwan.”
There’s quiet, and Taekwoon’s not sure what the little kid might be thinking until he hears a soft snore. Ideally, this isn’t the way Taekwoon would want to spend his last moments with Jaehwan, kid or not, but he’s definitely not going to be the one to wake him up.
Jaehwan will go home with his family until it’s proven he no longer is four, but everyone knows that the old Jaehwan isn’t coming back. It’s been almost two weeks. So Jaehwan will go home to be with family. They’ll withdraw him from the group, and they’ll either replace him with someone or…. Taekwoon can’t imagine their group as five. The company was so set on six; maybe a trainee will fill the roll and--
“Where’s the kid?”
Taekwoon looks up from the refrigerator, at Wonsik. “On the bed. Sleeping.”
Wonsik nods with his lips pursed. “We’ll visit him, right? When he’s home?”
“You know we can’t.” And Wonsik does know. Too many people will try to figure out why Jaehwan got kicked out -- too many questions, too risky.
“Yeah.” Wonsik rubs the back of his neck as he walks away, looking like he’s searching for a solution to all this. But as far as everyone knows, there isn’t one.
The Lee family picks up their son, baffled by the situation and full of questions that nobody has, and they drive away before anyone can really process what’s happening. Before the reality can settle in.
For Taekwoon, it happens about an hour after Jaehwan’s gone. There’s no extra noise. There’s no ringing in his ear from high-pitched laughter. There isn’t a pitter-patter of tiny feet against the floor, and, worst of all, there’s no Jaehwan singing. Taekwoon’s lost both versions of Jaehwan now, and he’s never going to get either back.
The news will be released on Monday that Lee Jaehwan has withdrawn from the group for his own personal reasons. They’ll send out a statement, and that will be that.
And life will go on.
Taekwoon doesn’t cry, but when it’s time for his shower he makes sure to stay under for extra long. He buries the ache under the weight of his newfound role, the new future he’ll have, and he tries to cut off all the thoughts.
But that’s the problem. He stops himself from thinking about everything, so he never thinks about anything, and if he lets those thoughts creep in--
He likes Jaehwan a lot.
As a friend. As a person. As the guy who’d crawl in bed with him and tell him that his screw up on stage wasn’t too noticeable, they’ll work on it, they’ll get better, that he thinks the best is yet to come. Taekwoon misses all that, and his chest hurts. Is this what he was afraid of? Afraid of the realization that the younger and the trembling in his rib cage are connected?
He wants to punch something.
Taekwoon considers breaking the bathroom cabinet, but as that’ll do more harm than good, he controls himself. It’s okay. Things are the way they are, and he’ll just deal with it. That’s what Jaehwan would say.
Thoughts are driving Taekwoon crazy, and he slips into bed early, hoping sleep will shut them off. Instead, he stays awake for hours to stare at the ceiling, envisioning goofy smiles, a strong voice, and a friend he won’t get to see again.
Taekwoon opens his eyes to the ceiling. He fell asleep after many hours of punching his pillow and staring upwards, and, judging by the color of the light slipping through the window, it’s much too early for him to be awake. He has, at the least, another hour before he really has to be up. His feet are cold, like little icebergs, and he inches them to the left to hit warm calves.
He smiles in relief, but his eyes spring open when he realizes what this means. Soft, black hair tickles his nose, and Jaehwan is most definitely beside Taekwoon, long legs, long torso, everything. He’s- he’s back to normal, and….
“Why are you awake so early?” Jaehwan’s voice is groggy, like he’s gotten less sleep than Taekwoon.
The older springs to a sitting position, knocking Jaehwan away in the process. “How--”
Jaehwan’s expression is grumpy, not appreciative of the fact that he’s been flung halfway across the bed because Taekwoon thought it’d be fun to see how fast one can give the other a concussion. “What?”
“You. I-- You’re here.”
“Yes. I am here.” Jaehwan narrows his eyes.
“No, like.” Taekwoon starts gesturing with his hands, and Jaehwan’s looking at him strangely. “You were small, and- and- four. You went home. I took you to the park.”
“Go back to sleep.”
Taekwoon swats Jaehwan’s reaching hands away. “No, really!”
Jaehwan raises an eyebrow. “Look, I get that you’re all touchy-feely, probably missed me and everything, but I didn’t expect you to get crazy dreams just from me visiting my family for a day. Look, I just got back, and I’m tired. Can I sleep a little bit before we really have to get up?”
Taekwoon lowers his hands and lets them fall against the covers. A dream? That sounds so far-fetched, but so does Jaehwan actually transforming into a knee-high baby-babbler. Taekwoon’s brain is spinning all four wheels, but the engine is cold from sleep. Nothing is connecting, and nothing’s making sense except for Jaehwan pulling him back down to sleep.
Taekwoon settles and suddenly wriggles his hand under the covers to find Jaehwan’s. Dream or not, he has figured out one thing. He intertwines Jaehwan’s fingers with his own and ignores the other’s self-satisfied smile.
“Ugh. It’s too early for this,” Jaehwan says, but it’s happy, and Taekwoon stomach twists a little bit. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe he can do serious. Whatever the case, this feels right, and he hopes that it’s longer than an hour before they have to crawl back out of bed.
He’s about to shut his eyes before they catch on the picture hanging on the wall just above the dresser. It’s the picture he and Jaehwan colored with baby-scrawl of their names all over the edges. It supposedly belongs in Taekwoon’s dreams, but here it is hanging on the wall. Taekwoon falls asleep before he can fully process what this means.
No one, including his parents, ever does tell Jaehwan about the time he turned into a kid.
a/n: (formal apology to lee jaehwan)
Pairing: Ken/Leo, OT6
Rating: PG - mild language
Word Count: 5.1k
Summary: Taekwoon's still not sure how it all happened. All he knows is Jaehwan definitely wasn't a kid seven hours ago.
It starts when Jaehwan climbs into bed with Taekwoon for the first time. “I’m cold.” That’s the excuse, but Taekwoon knows Jaehwan runs on a warm setting almost twenty-four hours a day. It doesn’t stop Taekwoon, though, from pressing his cold toes to Jaehwan’s warm calves at night when he knows the younger is sound asleep.
One morning he wakes up to something very different.
Taekwoon opens his eyes to the ceiling. On mornings like these, he stretches his arms out wide, usually hitting Jaehwan in the shoulder, face, whatever, and lays his hands on the other’s arm, just to make sure he didn’t cause too much damage. As a precaution. Yeah.
But as the sunlight hits his eyes, his hands find nothing, and there’s an empty spot beside him. The place where Jaehwan should be is cold, his body long gone from the covers. Taekwoon’s minute investigation ends with a shrill scream that comes from the living room. Screaming is normal; this is normal.
As he shuffles out of the room, he’s vaguely aware it’s Hakyeon’s scream that is blaring through the air, like a siren -- loud and ceaseless. That’s very normal, and Taekwoon’s worries are put to rest. His stomach growls, and he hopes no one’s thrown out the cereal; food is his next target.
His hunger pains are forgotten when he puts a foot outside his doorway. Hakyeon’s yelling at the couch, and Taekwoon’s vaguely aware of words being hurled through the air, but Taekwoon only has eyes for the small figure on the couch. A little kid. Hakyeon’s fuming, and Hongbin and Wonsik are staring, stunned, flanking either side of their leader.
The kid has a petulant expression on his face, little arms crossed. Hakyeon’s saying something about responsibility, but that’s stupid. How can -- what, a four-year-old? -- have responsibilities?
What’s a four-year-old doing in their dorm?
The child sees Taekwoon and leaps off the couch, running to him. And Taekwoon doesn’t really mean to open his arms; he doesn’t mean to pick up the little boy either. It just kind of happens. The boy buries his face in the Taekwoon’s neck, and Hakyeon stomps toward them. He instinctively holds the kid away from Hakyeon.
“Did you know about this?”
Taekwoon raises an eyebrow.
“Hyung,” Hongbin chimes in. “Calm down. There’s no way--”
“We have a baby running around the house, and we have a schedule tomorrow. I’m gonna kill Jaehwan.”
The kid squirms in Taekwoon’s arms.
“How would I?” Taekwoon questions. He just woke up, how is he to be held accountable for the kid?
Hakyeon flings his hands at the boy. His face is red, and this is the most upset Taekwoon’s seen Hakyeon since Hongbin and Sanghyuk hid his box of makeup. “He came out of your room; I’m sure you would’ve noticed something like this!”
Taekwoon frowns.
Hakyeon rips the boy out of Taekwoon’s arms -- a feat considering how tightly Taekwoon was gripping him -- and holds him at arm’s length and shakes him. “What the hell did you do? Huh?”
Taekwoon’s shocked at Hakyeon’s behavior, especially since Hakyeon’s self-proclaimed love for kids can almost rival Taekwoon’s own, but it turns into confusion when Hakyeon shouts, “Jaehwan! Why the hell are you like this?”
Excuse me?
The kid pouts and starts to kick his legs, striking Hakyeon in the chest. “Lemme go!”
And no doubt, that voice -- that face -- is Jaehwan’s. Of course, it’s obscured by childish features, but if you took Jaehwan and rewound the clock nearly two decades then yes, it’s Jaehwan.
But how?
Jaehwan drops out of Hakyeon’s hands and rushes behind Hongbin’s back to hide himself. “Make him stop!”
“Hyung,” Hongbin says to Hakyeon. “He’s just a kid. He doesn’t understand.” When Hakyeon starts marching toward them, Hongbin dives behind Wonsik’s back, pushing him forward.
Wonsik grabs Hakyeon as the oldest flails about, face red and steam coming out of his ears. “Calm down!”
Taekwoon thinks he understands why Hakyeon’s so angry. Today they might have the day off, but tomorrow is a day packed full of interviews, and Jaehwan may have said something last week about wanting to be a kid again. But how? How in the world are you an adult one day and a pre-schooler the next?
Taekwoon stands befuddled by the door as Hakyeon tries to kill everyone and himself, and Jaehwan starts crying big, awful tears.
“I’m home--” Sanghyuk chooses to walk through the front door at that moment and stops when he sees what’s going on in their dorm. “Never mind, I’m not home yet.”
Hakyeon grabs him by the arm and drags him inside. “Did you know about this?” He points a finger at Jaehwan who is still cowering behind Hongbin who is still using Wonsik as a human shield.
Sanghyuk shifts on the spot. “About what.”
“The kid! The kid, Sanghyuk, that is our bandmate!”
“Oh, that.” Sanghyuk now has four pairs of eyes on him -- Hongbin refuses to look at anything beside the backs of Wonsik’s shoulders -- and he laughs a bit like he’s nervous. “Well, he’s just a kid. Maybe I did give him a cereal bar and put him on the couch. Is that a crime?”
“Wait, you left without telling anyone?” Wonsik is the one to speak up this time.
Sanghyuk shrugs. “He needs something to eat, right? We don’t have anything kid-friendly.” He holds up the two grocery bags.
“Oh my god.” Hakyeon stumbles to the couch and flops face-down onto it. “Oh my god,” he repeats into the cushion.
In this amount of time, Jaehwan’s wandered back over to Taekwoon, and has proceeded to tug on the elder’s hand. “Hyung, are you mad?”
He talks like a kid, stumbling over the words, but Taekwoon can only think of the obnoxious Jaehwan that he knows. He reaches down and ruffles the dark hair. “No.”
Jaehwan’s looking up at him, though, eyes still puffy and frown still so large and sad. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” But Taekwoon knows that it really isn’t.
The first thing to do was get their managers in on the big secret. Lee Jaehwan is now a four-year-old and isn’t suitable to fill his usual role in the group. There was a little (just a little) disbelief upon first hearing the news, but after Hakyeon presented the kid the idea was accepted pretty quickly.
“Just fix it.”
But how?
“You know,” Wonsik says, carrying ankle-biter Jaehwan on his back, “he’s not half-bad now that he’s all shrunken, and, you know, can’t yell at me.” Wonsik races around the living room like this, drawing out high-pitched giggles and “again, again!” from his former hyung.
“This is too weird,” Hongbin laments.
Taekwoon has to agree.
Jaehwan the kid truthfully isn’t much different from the grown-up version. He’s still devious and affectionate and so silly. The main difference is that Jaehwan always tells Taekwoon that he’s the favorite hyung. Which Jaehwan would say it before, but now everyone is a hyung to him, and--
That definitely isn’t the reason why Taekwoon smiles a little more.
“Wow,” Sanghyuk laughs after dinner. “I’m a hyung, too!”
Hakyeon hits him on the back of the head.
Jaehwan can’t keep wearing his now over-sized shirts, and Taekwoon brings this up the afternoon after Jaehwan’s state was discovered. Hakyeon levels him with a look and says gravely, “Then we must go shopping.”
The mall is a hideous place, teeming with people and germs, and Taekwoon holds Jaehwan’s hand a little tighter as they meander through the place. It’s Taekwoon, Jaehwan, and Hakyeon who made the trip today as anything larger and girls would surely start popping out of the potted plants to ask for signatures.
“Okay, we just go in and out.”
Taekwoon nods, hand still wrapped firmly around Jaehwan’s, and the three walk into the bargain clothing store. Hakyeon’s point was, why spend money on something Jaehwan won’t need in a week? But that’s the problem. It’s been two days that Jaehwan’s been like this, and there’s no sign that he’ll ever be back to being normal-sized.
Taekwoon turns off that thought.
They browse through the store, Hakyeon going through piles of kid’s clothes faster than a mother at a fifty-percent off sale. Taekwoon just holds his arms out as the stack piles up. For someone so concerned about not wasting money, Hakyeon’s picking out a lot of stuff. Jaehwan giggles at the ever-growing pile that slowly blocks Taekwoon’s face.
“Stay,” Taekwoon orders the kid, and Jaehwan latches onto the bottom of Taekwoon’s shirt.
“Yesterday I saw--” and Jaehwan launches into a long speech about how he saw a policeman yesterday, why wasn’t he in his car, why didn’t he have handcuffs with him, does he get hungry, what would he have to eat, if he were a policeman he’d carry around a bag of food with him in his car, where was the car, Taekwoon-hyung, why aren’t you a policeman?
“I--” but Hakyeon puts a shirt on the pile, sufficiently blocking all of Taekwoon’s breathing orifices.
The two take Jaehwan into the dressing rooms, and after playing rock-paper-scissors Hakyeon gets to take their chibi-fied bandmate in and dress him up. Taekwoon opts to stay outside and yea or nay the choices. Hakyeon open the door no less than fifty times and each time Taekwoon has the same response.
“He looks fine.”
To which, Hakyeon will heave and sigh and complain. But as soon as the door closes, Taekwoon pretends he doesn’t hear the irritation in Hakyeon’s voice ebb away and sound more like he’s mothering a real child, instead of his usual self that reigns in five full grown men. Motherhood suits him, Taekwoon thinks.
“Aw, is he yours?”
Hakyeon’s just opened the door for the last time, and the three are frozen in the dressing room, staring at the middle-aged lady. This is a family dressing room so it’s not surprising that she’s there; it’s more surprising that she’s either mistaking them as a family of three or Jaehwan is someone’s son, or….
“No,” Hakyeon says quickly. “He’s my, uh, sister’s.”
“Aw, I can see the resemblance.” She moves on, and the three speedily move out.
“If I look anything like this brat then I need to consult a plastic surgeon.”
That’s a little harsh.
It’s only when they’re out of the store that Taekwoon notices a small hand isn’t in his, and when he looks at Hakyeon’s hand it doesn’t have a small hand in it either. Oh no. Taekwoon’s senses hop into overdrive, and he starts walking around Hakyeon in circles. “What’s the matter?”
“Jaehwan. He’s….”
Hakyeon yelps when he notices the kid’s gone. He grabs Taekwoon by the shoulders and starts shaking him. “He would do this. I’d buy him clothes, and then he’d leave us. Of course, he’d do this--”
“He’s four.”
Hakyeon stops mid-rant and looks out over the sea of people around them. “Oh god.”
“Yeah.”
Hakyeon takes off, shrieking, and Taekwoon trails behind, not shrieking. “Jaehwa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!” Hakyeon’s brushing past people, and Taekwoon’s aware that this may not be the most effective way to go about locating a lost band member. But what can he do?
He grabs Hakyeon by the back of his jacket’s hood, and says, “I know where he is.” It’s a sudden realization, one that only comes with being so in tune with the person in question, and Taekwoon’s not sure how he feels about it. Probably good if his assumption turns out right. Because he can’t deny that losing a three foot breathing creature that used to be the guy who was his personal heater won’t haunt him forever.
The two walk over to the mall’s play area, and there he is. Sitting in the fake police car. Taekwoon walks over, and Jaehwan’s face lights up when he recognizes him. “Hyung, put money in it!”
“Hey,” Hakyeon starts. “You really scared us shi--” Taekwoon knocks his shoulder. “Crapless,” the older amends. “You scared the crap out of us. You can’t walk off, okay? You need to stay next to me and the rest of your hyungs, got it?”
“Yeah, uh-huh, but, please, hyung, put money in the car!”
Taekwoon nods.
“I can’t believe this!” Hakyeon wails.
In short, the trip to the mall wasn’t the best of days.
It’s been five days since Jaehwan’s turned into a child, and people are starting to wonder when cute main vocal Ken is going to come back. The story is spread that he’s sick, but Jaehwan can only be “sick” for so long before something more permanent happens. There’s no telling when that will be. Jaehwan’s lines are spread throughout the group, and Taekwoon’s voice already feels the strain.
Taekwoon really misses Jaehwan.
“Don’t color there!” Jaehwan knocks Taekwoon’s hand out of the way, scolding him for coloring on the “wrong” spot. “Over here.” The kid redirects Taekwoon’s much larger hand to a different part of the page.
“Why can’t I?”
Jaehwan frowns, puffing out his cheeks, and he looks so much like the old Jaehwan. The literal older Jaehwan. “Because you’re gonna ruin--” and he starts spitting out nonsensical reasons.
Taekwoon’s not sure how long this is going to last. He likes young Jaehwan and all, but it’s weird. This is weird. Jaehwan shouldn’t be having to relearn how to write; he shouldn’t be struggling to color inside the lines; he shouldn’t be four. And the thought occurs to Taekwoon, what if he has to grow up all over again?
And that’s the scary part.
If this isn’t temporary, what will they do? How do you give someone their son back and say, he’s four again, please, take him. You can’t. Unless you have the answers, and Taekwoon nor anyone else could possibly know why this happened at all.
“Are you mad?”
Taekwoon looks up to see Jaehwan’s big eyes looking at him. “No.”
“Your forehead’s all wrinkly.” Jaehwan scrunches his face and wiggles his fingers to show the idea. “You look mad.”
“How about you write your name?”
Jaehwan, under the guidance of favorite hyung Taekwoon, writes his name in messy hangul. “I did it!”
“You did.”
“How do you spell your name?”
They continue to spell things until Wonsik swoops in and snatches away Jaehwan. “My turn.”
Jaehwan and Wonsik laugh into the sunset (living room) together, and Taekwoon’s left with a box of crayons and a color book. He sighs, but a person flops down beside him. “Is he gonna be like that forever?” Hongbin’s voice is hushed, and Taekwoon feels the lump of frustration in his throat. Hongbin’s only voicing what everyone’s thinking.
“I don’t know.”
“What happens if we have to replace him?”
Taekwoon swallows and pillows his head on his arms. “I don’t know.”
“Or we could keep him this size,” Sanghyuk offers. “For once I get to be a hyung.”
Hakyeon gives him a look.
“I mean, who doesn’t like seeing boys with kids? We have our own kid; that’s like a package deal. All the radio hosts would love him.”
“Sanghyuk.”
“We’ll just change his name and say he’s Hakyeon-hyung’s sister’s son. Or Wonsik-hyung’s. Anyway, he’s someone’s nephew.”
Hakyeon puts down his chopsticks. “I don’t wanna hear another word about it.”
Sanghyuk shrugs. “We’re missing out on a great opportunity.”
Jaehwan chooses that moment to blow Sanghyuk a raspberry, and the former youngest happily returns it. Hakyeon rolls his eyes. “Your age is showing.”
Taekwoon blocks out the dinner chatter and stares at the wall. He doesn’t really want to keep thinking about the future now that Jaehwan has one completely different from the rest of them.
“I second the notion,” Wonsik says, raising his hand into the air. “I think Jaehwan should stay with us.”
Hakyeon puts his face in his hands. “You do realize that we are in no way, shape, or form prepared to raise a child.”
Wonsik shrugs. “How hard can it be?”
It turns out to be very hard, Wonsik discovers a day later. Wonsik walks into his room to find his multitude of hats scattered across the floor, crushed and very much not as “snappy” as they originally were. Jaehwan’s also taken the time to write his name in toothpaste on the door. The howl that comes from Wonsik is one that can be heard for miles.
“Who was watching the kid?” Wonsik roars.
Which no one was, but-- In fact, where is Jaehwan? And where is Taekwoon?
Taekwoon carries Jaehwan on his back as they go to the nearest park. Wonsik can take care of the mess in his room on his own. Taekwoon suspects Hongbin had been keeping an eye on Jaehwan and fell asleep on the job; Taekwoon just came along and saved Jaehwan from Wonsik’s wrath.
“Fast! Fast!” Taekwoon obeys Jaehwan’s command and races down the sidewalk, issuing giggles from Jaehwan. Taekwoon takes turns between walking and running to keep Jaehwan on his toes, and this keeps Jaehwan in good spirits for the entire trip to the park.
However, once they get there that’s a different story.
“No.”
Taekwoon doesn’t know how he feels about this turn of events. “No?”
Jaehwan shakes his head, sticking his nose up at the swing. “I don’t wanna.”
“How about you slide?”
“No.”
“Go on and play.”
Jaehwan folds his arms and drops to his bottom on the playground rocks. “No!”
Taekwoon blinks and sits in the rocks as well. “Fine.”
Jaehwan looks at him, still trying to be angry. “Hyung, no!” He jumps up from where he sits and shakes Taekwoon’s shoulder. “No!”
“Well, what do you want?” Jaehwan points at the swing. “So get on it.”
The kid shakes his head, his fists balled up and pout growing. He points at Taekwoon, stamping his foot on the rocks. Taekwoon realizes what Jaehwan wants. Standing up, Taekwoon slowly sits on the swing, and Jaehwan starts clapping his hands together. Jaehwan runs to the swing beside him and starts to kick his legs wildly, not able to get enough momentum to swing himself.
Taekwoon laughs. “Want me to push you?”
Jaehwan nods. Soon, he’s shouting, “Higher, hyung, higher!” So Taekwoon pushes him as high as he can go, and he doesn’t hear Jaehwan’s scared pleas to stop until it’s too late. He grabs the metal chains and immediately stops the swing.
“Sorry.”
Jaehwan sniffs, his eyes shut tight, and fists tighter around the chains. “It’s- It’s okay.”
Taekwoon forgets that Jaehwan isn’t Jaehwan, and it’s just another stab to his heart. “Here, let’s walk around the park.” Jaehwan’s face brightens up, but he points to Taekwoon’s back. Taekwoon bends over so the kid can hop up. “Sooner or later you’re gonna have to walk.”
Jaehwan just giggles.
Hakyeon tucks Jaehwan into bed, and the kid demands, “Story!”
“I knew I shouldn’t have offered.” Hakyeon puts his face in his hands, and Taekwoon pokes the leader between the shoulder blades. A prod to get him to do it.
Hakyeon racks his brain. “Uh, once upon a time there was a kid named Jaehwan and he went to sleep the end.”
Jaehwan protests instantly. “No, no! Something real!”
Taekwoon snickers.
From the doorway, Wonsik announces, “I have one!” He’s gotten over the room-wrecking incident much faster than anyone anticipated and it may or may not have anything to do with the fact that he possibly made Sanghyuk clean it up.
Sanghyuk and Hongbin glare at Wonsik as he bounces over to the bed. “Once upon a time there was a guy -- a totally awesome dude -- who turned into a little kid again.”
Taekwoon and Hakyeon both start to beat Wonsik away from the bed. “What the hell is wrong with you,” Hakyeon growls.
“No, wait!” Everyone freezes and turn back toward the bed. Jaehwan’s eyes are bright and questioning, and he asks, “What happened to him?”
Wonsik brushes Taekwoon and Hakyeon away and sits on the edge of the bed. “Well, this guy was really popular. He was super funny, and everyone nominated him as resident cool dude.”
“This is so lame,” Sanghyuk comments. “I could make up a story to kick that story’s butt.”
Wonsik goes on, ignoring the opposition. “Well, one day he turns back into a little kid.”
“Oh, no,” Jaehwan whispers.
Sanghyuk tries to refrain from rolling his eyes.
Wonsik goes on, pulling crap out of thin air -- somehow the kid (that totally isn’t supposed to be Jaehwan) is a dragon slayer? -- and ends the story abruptly after his last idea is spent. “But what happened?”
Wonsik stands up. “What do you mean?”
“Did he ever- ever get big again?”
Hakyeon pinches Wonsik on the arm. “Great going.”
“Of course he did,” Wonsik says.
Everyone files out of the room after that, but Taekwoon lingers behind. He’s given up his bed for Jaehwan and has opted to sleep on the couch. He wonders how many more days he’ll have to sleep there.
“I wanna be big.” The confession is so quiet that Taekwoon barely hears it. He looks toward the bed, and Jaehwan has his big eyes focused on him.
Taekwoon doesn’t have much to say to that, but he walks over and ruffles Jaehwan’s mop of hair. “You will.”
Taekwoon’s not sure if he just lied or not.
That night Taekwoon falls onto the couch and slips into sleep, the easiest he has in weeks. Unfortunately, he has the worst dreams he’s had in weeks. He wakes up somewhere around three in the morning with a crick in his neck and an arm with no feeling. He beats his arm until the blood starts to flow back into it and makes a quick trip into the kitchen to get a drink of water. He sits at the table, trying to not think about much.
But Jaehwan, the one he knows, the one who he trained with, the one who tells him jokes when he thinks Taekwoon’s feeling down, is weighing heavily on Taekwoon’s mind. He’s moved past the whole “how” question, but “when” has taken its place. When will Jaehwan be back?
Taekwoon swirls the water around in the glass. He wants to hear Jaehwan’s laugh after making fun of Hakyeon behind his back. He wants to press his toes to warm calves after long days. Taekwoon needs to hear Jaehwan sing and stand on stage again.
Taekwoon’s left looking at the bottom of an empty glass, wondering if this thought has anything to do with something more serious.
Taekwoon doesn’t have time for serious, though. And it’s not an option now that Jaehwan’s a kindergartner. Maybe it’s like a big, flashing billboard saying, “Not meant to be.” Taekwoon would believe something like that; this has to be a sign.
Slinking back to the couch, Taekwoon wraps himself back in his blankets. He doesn’t fall asleep as easy this time.
Three days later and no change is seen. Hakyeon wears a terse expression because everyone knows that something has to be done, that Taekwoon’s voice can’t carry what Jaehwan’s can, and fans keep sending get-well presents but also want to know, when is he coming back? Even Sanghyuk picks up on the tension, and his smiles are too bright.
Jaehwan pillows his head on Taekwoon’s shoulder, lying perpendicular to the twenty-something. “Taekwoonie-hyung?”
Taekwoon tries to not smile at the cute version of his name -- it reminds him too much of the old main vocalist. “Yeah?”
“Where’s my mommy?” There’s a pout to Jaehwan’s voice, and Taekwoon knows it’s a good thing that a decision’s been reached.
“You’ll see her tomorrow. She’s on her way.”
Jaehwan’s head snuggles a little tighter against Taekwoon’s arm. “Will she take me home?”
And Taekwoon’s not sure why there’s a knot at the base of his throat when he answers, “Yeah.”
“Can you come home with me? What about the other hyungs? Who’s gonna play with me?”
“You have a brother, Jaehwan.”
There’s quiet, and Taekwoon’s not sure what the little kid might be thinking until he hears a soft snore. Ideally, this isn’t the way Taekwoon would want to spend his last moments with Jaehwan, kid or not, but he’s definitely not going to be the one to wake him up.
Jaehwan will go home with his family until it’s proven he no longer is four, but everyone knows that the old Jaehwan isn’t coming back. It’s been almost two weeks. So Jaehwan will go home to be with family. They’ll withdraw him from the group, and they’ll either replace him with someone or…. Taekwoon can’t imagine their group as five. The company was so set on six; maybe a trainee will fill the roll and--
“Where’s the kid?”
Taekwoon looks up from the refrigerator, at Wonsik. “On the bed. Sleeping.”
Wonsik nods with his lips pursed. “We’ll visit him, right? When he’s home?”
“You know we can’t.” And Wonsik does know. Too many people will try to figure out why Jaehwan got kicked out -- too many questions, too risky.
“Yeah.” Wonsik rubs the back of his neck as he walks away, looking like he’s searching for a solution to all this. But as far as everyone knows, there isn’t one.
The Lee family picks up their son, baffled by the situation and full of questions that nobody has, and they drive away before anyone can really process what’s happening. Before the reality can settle in.
For Taekwoon, it happens about an hour after Jaehwan’s gone. There’s no extra noise. There’s no ringing in his ear from high-pitched laughter. There isn’t a pitter-patter of tiny feet against the floor, and, worst of all, there’s no Jaehwan singing. Taekwoon’s lost both versions of Jaehwan now, and he’s never going to get either back.
The news will be released on Monday that Lee Jaehwan has withdrawn from the group for his own personal reasons. They’ll send out a statement, and that will be that.
And life will go on.
Taekwoon doesn’t cry, but when it’s time for his shower he makes sure to stay under for extra long. He buries the ache under the weight of his newfound role, the new future he’ll have, and he tries to cut off all the thoughts.
But that’s the problem. He stops himself from thinking about everything, so he never thinks about anything, and if he lets those thoughts creep in--
He likes Jaehwan a lot.
As a friend. As a person. As the guy who’d crawl in bed with him and tell him that his screw up on stage wasn’t too noticeable, they’ll work on it, they’ll get better, that he thinks the best is yet to come. Taekwoon misses all that, and his chest hurts. Is this what he was afraid of? Afraid of the realization that the younger and the trembling in his rib cage are connected?
He wants to punch something.
Taekwoon considers breaking the bathroom cabinet, but as that’ll do more harm than good, he controls himself. It’s okay. Things are the way they are, and he’ll just deal with it. That’s what Jaehwan would say.
Thoughts are driving Taekwoon crazy, and he slips into bed early, hoping sleep will shut them off. Instead, he stays awake for hours to stare at the ceiling, envisioning goofy smiles, a strong voice, and a friend he won’t get to see again.
Taekwoon opens his eyes to the ceiling. He fell asleep after many hours of punching his pillow and staring upwards, and, judging by the color of the light slipping through the window, it’s much too early for him to be awake. He has, at the least, another hour before he really has to be up. His feet are cold, like little icebergs, and he inches them to the left to hit warm calves.
He smiles in relief, but his eyes spring open when he realizes what this means. Soft, black hair tickles his nose, and Jaehwan is most definitely beside Taekwoon, long legs, long torso, everything. He’s- he’s back to normal, and….
“Why are you awake so early?” Jaehwan’s voice is groggy, like he’s gotten less sleep than Taekwoon.
The older springs to a sitting position, knocking Jaehwan away in the process. “How--”
Jaehwan’s expression is grumpy, not appreciative of the fact that he’s been flung halfway across the bed because Taekwoon thought it’d be fun to see how fast one can give the other a concussion. “What?”
“You. I-- You’re here.”
“Yes. I am here.” Jaehwan narrows his eyes.
“No, like.” Taekwoon starts gesturing with his hands, and Jaehwan’s looking at him strangely. “You were small, and- and- four. You went home. I took you to the park.”
“Go back to sleep.”
Taekwoon swats Jaehwan’s reaching hands away. “No, really!”
Jaehwan raises an eyebrow. “Look, I get that you’re all touchy-feely, probably missed me and everything, but I didn’t expect you to get crazy dreams just from me visiting my family for a day. Look, I just got back, and I’m tired. Can I sleep a little bit before we really have to get up?”
Taekwoon lowers his hands and lets them fall against the covers. A dream? That sounds so far-fetched, but so does Jaehwan actually transforming into a knee-high baby-babbler. Taekwoon’s brain is spinning all four wheels, but the engine is cold from sleep. Nothing is connecting, and nothing’s making sense except for Jaehwan pulling him back down to sleep.
Taekwoon settles and suddenly wriggles his hand under the covers to find Jaehwan’s. Dream or not, he has figured out one thing. He intertwines Jaehwan’s fingers with his own and ignores the other’s self-satisfied smile.
“Ugh. It’s too early for this,” Jaehwan says, but it’s happy, and Taekwoon stomach twists a little bit. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe he can do serious. Whatever the case, this feels right, and he hopes that it’s longer than an hour before they have to crawl back out of bed.
He’s about to shut his eyes before they catch on the picture hanging on the wall just above the dresser. It’s the picture he and Jaehwan colored with baby-scrawl of their names all over the edges. It supposedly belongs in Taekwoon’s dreams, but here it is hanging on the wall. Taekwoon falls asleep before he can fully process what this means.
No one, including his parents, ever does tell Jaehwan about the time he turned into a kid.
a/n: (formal apology to lee jaehwan)