(no subject)
I am sooooo ready for the summer. I can't stand school anymore. skipping school to avoid the chistians near easter. I think that Aaron has noticed how I am drawing away from this. He almost told me that I had to stay at school tonight so that I could go to a resurrection discussion. I was kind of surprised at how pushy he was. Great, I am his project. Wonderful. I'm not going to church anymore, i can't. If the truth has to come out, I will let it. If I have to start all over next year and make new friends I will do it. I can no longer stand to have ideas forced on me that I don't believe.
As always, life is frustrating. I am so close, yet sooo far away. I think I stand a chance, but I can't even tell. I have no idea whats going on and I feel that it is my fault. I'm sick of being confused yet too scared to find out the truth. I can't decide whats worse, not knowing, or thinking I'm not good enough. The solution is so easy and it could solve my problems, but I can't do it, absolutly not. I wish I weren't such an idiot. I wish that I could think about this without crying. I wish someone would at least PRETEND to understand. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless. I wish GOD DIDNT HATE ME. I wish I could turn myself into the person i want to be. I wish didn't hate myself so much. I wish I could convince myself that I am worthy of love. I wish I didn't have this deep empty feeling. I wish I could be happy. I wish my past hadn't happened. I wish I could believe that I even have the ability to love another human being. I wish that I could let people get to know me. I wish I weren't so distant and closed off from the world. I wish I wasn't so terrified.
As always, life is frustrating. I am so close, yet sooo far away. I think I stand a chance, but I can't even tell. I have no idea whats going on and I feel that it is my fault. I'm sick of being confused yet too scared to find out the truth. I can't decide whats worse, not knowing, or thinking I'm not good enough. The solution is so easy and it could solve my problems, but I can't do it, absolutly not. I wish I weren't such an idiot. I wish that I could think about this without crying. I wish someone would at least PRETEND to understand. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless. I wish GOD DIDNT HATE ME. I wish I could turn myself into the person i want to be. I wish didn't hate myself so much. I wish I could convince myself that I am worthy of love. I wish I didn't have this deep empty feeling. I wish I could be happy. I wish my past hadn't happened. I wish I could believe that I even have the ability to love another human being. I wish that I could let people get to know me. I wish I weren't so distant and closed off from the world. I wish I wasn't so terrified.