(no subject)
it's one of those days.
i woke up at 6am thinking i was late for work. after coming to my senses and realizing it's only sunday, i laid in my warm bed...in my freezing cold room...trying to find sleep...but thoughts only raced through my head.
my sleeping patterns are so messed up.
i'm too protective of my heart.
i'm afraid of it being torn up more, and i know i cannot handle that right now.
so i like to put up a shield. and a facade.
to the world, it's fool proof, but,
inside it never works. i end up regretting and hating myself for it.
i took a little trip. a vaca. i went to utah to see everyone i miss so very much.
it was different.
i was greeted as though i hadn't left at all, but in a world i was no longer familiar with.
i was there, back where i called home, but i felt like...an outside visitor. trying to find my place in something i wasn't a part of.
things change with time. that's natural. i'm afraid a lot of it's me though.
i do miss it all. very much. and am anxious to give it another shot.
anxious...and really really nervous.
i have...a lot...hanging by a thread. and if i don't make it, it might very well be the ruin of me.
i have a doctor appointment tomorrow. i'm worried that i'm going to leave only feeling worse.
overwhelming. it's all getting very overwhelming.