me and the moon
So here I am again, sitting alone on the windowsill of our loft; overlooking Broad Street beneath me ... there is a bum rummaging through the trash bin, a few police are strolling around the opposite side of the street, rats the size of small dogs keep darting back and forth between the gutters, a couple is walking along the sidewalk below, they just passed beneath my window ...arms around each other in that comfortable, sort of side-embrace ...I'm guessing they just ate at the 24-hr Landmark Diner a few blocks over, judging by the direction from which they came, and the styrofoam to-go box the man is carrying in his free hand. ...I'm sitting here alone again in our dark loft, self-medicating with cigarettes and appropriate tunes. I chose to stay at home for the umpteenth time again tonight, rather than go out with everyone else and pretend to enjoy myself. ... and truth be told --I'm hoping they'll stay gone just a few hours more. I just want to think, alone, in peace, a little while longer... the emptiness is nice and needed right now -- almost soothing. My mind has been everywhere and nowhere at all these past few weeks. I'm still not sure where I am. I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I am happy and where I want/need to be ... but the truth as I know it is there, a little hazy and distant -- but I know it's there, and it pulls me out of the happy facade I fake for the world ... I don't want to drag anyone down, I'm not asking for pity or sympathy ... just understanding. I want to find someone who knows what this feeling is -- understands completely -- just so I can prove I'm not insane; that I'm not alone in this state of being.
I've been looking at old photographs from the past few years-- and I've come to realize that it was those years that I am going to look back on years from now and describe them as "the best years of my life" -- I guess that's what has me so bitter: the realization that the best days are behind me now and all I've got left to do is fall into the repetitive act of adulthood -- run the rat race with the rest of mediocre society --but MY GOD I'm praying that this is not the case .... I won't stand for blending in and fading out. I'm hoping with my whole heart the best is yet to come -- that the big bang of my life is still ahead, waiting to be discovered -- and this is what keeps me going -- the hope that there is something bigger in store for me -- even if it never comes, I won't quit the search -- that is my role, I've known that all along -- I wanted a simpler task but this is what God has given me: the quest to find the deeper meaning, to never stop searching and asking. My curiosity and insatiable lust to know it all is both a gift and a curse. But I take comfort in the fact that at least I know I won't allow myself to give up -- because I can never rest until I know the final answer -- all dots connected -- but I also know this quest is impossible because there is no final answer in this world ... I won't be able to find the answers to everything my mind questions -- this is the price of getting older -- of becoming affected. Ignorance has it's appeal sometimes ... but I also get a sort of sadistic thrill out of being denied complete understanding of all things -- the chase is what I live for, and God knows I'd end if it did. I trust he knows what he is doing with me... I just have to keep pushing to find whatever it is ... I guess my pain comes from my loneliness ... I've yet to find anyone who shares this same blessed/cursed state of being I seem to possess -- that is my immediate need, I've recognized. I'll be able to live again, as I used to, when I have proof that I am not alone ... that I'm not maniacle and out of touch with reality. So pray I find someone like myself -- someone I can see myself mirrored in -- I keep thinking I've found them but they slip and I realize I was trying to fit them into this form that they clearly were not built for. I've got to stop trying so hard.
I've been looking at old photographs from the past few years-- and I've come to realize that it was those years that I am going to look back on years from now and describe them as "the best years of my life" -- I guess that's what has me so bitter: the realization that the best days are behind me now and all I've got left to do is fall into the repetitive act of adulthood -- run the rat race with the rest of mediocre society --but MY GOD I'm praying that this is not the case .... I won't stand for blending in and fading out. I'm hoping with my whole heart the best is yet to come -- that the big bang of my life is still ahead, waiting to be discovered -- and this is what keeps me going -- the hope that there is something bigger in store for me -- even if it never comes, I won't quit the search -- that is my role, I've known that all along -- I wanted a simpler task but this is what God has given me: the quest to find the deeper meaning, to never stop searching and asking. My curiosity and insatiable lust to know it all is both a gift and a curse. But I take comfort in the fact that at least I know I won't allow myself to give up -- because I can never rest until I know the final answer -- all dots connected -- but I also know this quest is impossible because there is no final answer in this world ... I won't be able to find the answers to everything my mind questions -- this is the price of getting older -- of becoming affected. Ignorance has it's appeal sometimes ... but I also get a sort of sadistic thrill out of being denied complete understanding of all things -- the chase is what I live for, and God knows I'd end if it did. I trust he knows what he is doing with me... I just have to keep pushing to find whatever it is ... I guess my pain comes from my loneliness ... I've yet to find anyone who shares this same blessed/cursed state of being I seem to possess -- that is my immediate need, I've recognized. I'll be able to live again, as I used to, when I have proof that I am not alone ... that I'm not maniacle and out of touch with reality. So pray I find someone like myself -- someone I can see myself mirrored in -- I keep thinking I've found them but they slip and I realize I was trying to fit them into this form that they clearly were not built for. I've got to stop trying so hard.