This Is Getting Quite Silly
Title: This Is Getting Quite Silly
Rating: G
Genre: Crossover SnowWhite/SPN, Crack.
Characters and/or pairing : Dean/Cas, Sam, dwarfs, Snow White, and various other fairy tale characters.
Spoilers: none.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warnings: Please don't throw stones if not funny. Erm... boy kiss ? is that even worth warning for ?
Word Count: 2703
Summary: When the boys stumble upon an odd dwarf.
A/N: Possibly the last installment of my Bedtime Stories verse. Previous stories are Help! Wolf!, Burn in Hell, old hag!, Man, that thing just won't stay dead!, and probably The Angel
"So where did you take us this time?" inquired Dean.
"I-I'm not sure," replied Castiel.
Sam looked around; it seemed that they were still in a forest. "What is it with you and creepy woods?"
"I… I thought you would appreciate the change of scenery," he pouted.
"From what? More forests?" Sam glowered at the angel.
Dean stepped in, "Hey, hey, calm down, Sammy. He just wants to help," he turned to Castiel, "Cas, we appreciate the gesture, we really do… but don't you think we've had enough of this side of Europe? What about Amsterdam, huh? I hear the coffee houses are the shit."
"But I like forests…" he whined and frowned a little.
Dean's eyes lingered a second too long before he was suckered into Castiel's practised bambi stare.
"Stop looking at me like that," he blurted out.
"Like what?" Castiel tilted his head, widening his too-blue innocent eyes.
Dean stared into them, noticing how the shaded flecks danced against the canvas of azure, an angelic false impression that belied what he was capable of doing in their daunting moments of intimacy. "The things your eyes do to me…" he muttered a little too audibly.
Sam snorted, and Castiel smiled - partly in victory, partly in genuine affection. The temptation of feeling those soft, pliable, and smiling lips on his overcame him. He closed the distance between them, gently palming Castiel's nape as he pulled him into a soft kiss. Castiel responded, kissing him back wholly, smiling a little as he licked the seam of Dean's lips. Dean parted, his tongue inviting him in; but Castiel's smile only deepened as he just nibbled playfully at his lower lip.
Samuel averted his eyes; the scene was getting too personal and he felt like a total creep watching them make out. That's when he noticed a bush move. He frowned and went to inspect the unusual plant. When he was close enough, he bent over and touched the short leaves. That was when a dwarf jumped out at him. Sam yelped and fell backwards. Dean and Castiel more or less reluctantly turned their heads.
"Bastard!" swore Sam.
The dwarf cried, "Please don't hurt me! I promise I won't say anything! Oh dang it, I'm in for it, aren't I? Very well, if you must… please not in the face," at this, he took his rag hat off and stood stiffly.
"Oh, what is it now?" groaned Dean as he approached the scene, Castiel close behind him.
Sam was baffled by the bizarre dwarf who seemed to want to be punished for some reason.
"Erm… this, um, little guy wants to be, erm… punished?"
The dwarf nodded enthusiastically, "Oh yes, please."
"Whatever in the world for?" asked Castiel.
The dwarf looked at them as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, "For spying, of course! Thing is…" he leant in conspiratorially, "the missus is waiting for her Prince to come, so she's crashing with us for a while. Also, there's this evil queen, see, she wants to get rid of her 'cause she's prettier. Problem is, she's ah… quite… demanding in our personal habits; it gets rather…"
"Fucking annoying?" offered Dean.
"Yes! That. And so we've sort of… made it our job to find her someone - and fast."
Dean chuckled in amusement, "Whipped and not even married. Dude, your life sucks - no offence."
"None taken. I actually quite agree."
"Then why do you keep her around?" asked Sam.
"What would you do if a sweet child appeared on your doorstep hunted and frightened to death?" he huffed.
Sam shifted uncomfortably. Then Castiel said, "We live in a world where one is too good and is seen as not good enough."
Everyone stared at him. Dean said, "Well, there's nothing we can do, sorry." And all three men started to turn their backs when the dwarf pleaded them.
"Wait! Wait! Okay, just come over for a meal then."
Dean frowned suspiciously, "No funky business?"
"None," he said positively, even though he didn't quite grasp the meaning of "funky".
"Well I guess we could do with some traditional grub. Your pots and pans won't ah… start singing or anything, will they?"
"What?"
"Nothing."
***
"Mopy! Who've you brought back with you?" cried the chief dwarf Doc, "What have we said about strangers?"
"Ah… but these aren't just any strangers," he leant in and lowered his voice, "they're suitors." Then he said in a normal tone, "they're just poor men who've been starving outside; they're to be our guests for tonight."
Doc's face lit up with understanding, "Ah! Please, good sirs, do take a seat with us." Then he cried to the upstairs, "Snow White, my dear, please come down. We have some guests!"
The other dwarfs crowded around the three men with curiosity and hope. Even Sleepy and Bashful made an effort to look upon them with expectation.
"You three jocks think you can just swing in here and see who can sweep our lady off her feet first? She ain't a trophy!" snarled Grumpy. Doc and Happy tried to restrain him from getting too close to the guests.
"Grumpy," Doc said through clenched teeth, "these kind men are here to care for our good lady."
"What is he talking about?" asked Sam.
"Nothing!" retorted Mopy, "He's just a little paranoid about things…" he glared at Grumpy who only huffed and walked away to a corner.
"So let me get this straight," said Dean, "there's this evil bitch who wants to kill the girl just 'cause she's prettier? Okay, fine, humouring you here… where are the girls' parents?"
"Dead," snapped Grumpy from his corner.
"How convenient," he muttered. "But the Queen knows that beauty isn't forever, right? Give or take thirty-forty years and you're past your prime. And I mean… you told me she had powers as well. So can't she just make the girl ugly or make herself even prettier or whatever the hell she wants?"
"Dean…" warned Castiel.
"No, I mean seriously… and what's with this bullshit about waiting for a Prince to ride in on his high and mighty stallion? So if I got this right… big bucks equals trippy happiness? I don't buy it."
"Dean," hissed Castiel.
"What?" he said, irritated.
"You're acknowledging it."
"Acknowledging what?"
"The elephant. You must ignore it if you want to suspend belief and enjoy this excursion."
"What are you -" and sure enough, Dean came to realise that there was indeed, near the kitchen, a giant pink elephant hiding out in the far corner that he hadn't realised was there before. His eyes widened at the sudden realisation that something so big was so well concealed. It unnerved him.
"Holy… there's a friggin' elephant in your kitchen!"
"A what now?" inquired Happy.
"Don't be ridiculous," chided Doc.
"Look who's paranoid now," snorted Grumpy.
"There is! It's even pink!"
Mopy patted his arm, "There, there, now, sir Dean. Once you get some of our delicious pie in you, you won't be seeing things anymore. Must be the starvation," the dwarfs murmured their agreement and started to fetch the pie and set the table.
"No, but there really is one! Sammy, you see it don't you?"
If Sam did see it, he didn't comment. Castiel only squeezed Dean's shoulder and shook his head, "Just ignore it and enjoy the meal."
Dean muttered something under his breath, still eyeing the elephant warily. It was hard to concentrate on anything else now that a pink elephant was lurking in the corner.
"Incidentally, I think we really ought to do something about that elephant," said Doc to Happy.
"There! You just mentioned it!" accused Dean
"I did no such thing," he retorted. "Now eat your pie."
Dean grumbled, and Sam stifled a chuckle.
"It's making Sneezy's allergies worse."
Dean dropped his fork and almost lunged at the dwarf if Castiel hadn't held him back, "Dean!"
"He's screwing with me! They all are!"
"Keep your conspiracy theories to yourself, muttonhead," snapped Grumpy.
Doc gasped, "Language, Grumpy! These are very important guests."
"So they've failed to make me notice," he muttered.
As the other dwarfs bickered amongst themselves, Mopy said to Sam, "You know, I've never wanted to mine diamonds anyway."
"You don't say," replied Sam politely.
"I do say! I'm sick of digging day in, digging day out… it's a bloody hazard, it is! Not to mention it's so dreadfully boring! Here, did you know that diamonds and other precious and semi-precious gemstones are extracted from the earth using five basic mining techniques?"
Sam tuned out the tedious droning and let his eyes wonder. They inevitably landed on the pink elephant in the corner. Although he tried his best not to linger on it for too long, he found that it was incredibly difficult to ignore a pink pachyderm that was silently glaring at him, as if Sam had somehow wronged it and was presently giving him the silent treatment doubled with the evil eye.
"…-mond extraction methods vary depending on how the minerals are deposited within the earth, the stability of the material that surrounds that desired gem or mineral, and the peripheral damage that will be done to the surrounding environment. The principle methods of diamond extraction are: Artisanal Mining, Hard Rock Mining…" he faltered a little and stared at Sam purposefully.
"Oh, please, do go on," smiled Sam, snapping his attention back to the babbling dwarf, "I do believe this is the least most interesting conversation I've ever had."
The dwarf was about to say something when Snow White appeared at the foot of the stairs.
"Oh goodness! You didn't tell me there would be company," and she blushed a scarlet hue.
"Check out the jailbait," Dean murmured to Sam.
"You are all so lovely! Which one of you is my Prince?"
Dean almost choked on his food. Sam had to thump his back, something Dean cursed, dreading the bruises in the shape of his brother's hands.
"What is this fuckery?" he cursed at the dwarfs, "I said no funky business!"
Suddenly, all the dwarfs started looking elsewhere in various random directions. Mopy even attempted to go for a nonchalant whistle.
Snow White caught Castiel's calm and all-encompassing gaze, his gentle blue eyes seeming to smile at her knowingly. But what she mistook as an interested and compassionate look was really Castiel's placidly polite glazed look he seemed to revert to when a situation failed to appeal to him.
"Are you my Prince?" she sat down and sidled up to him in a flirtatious yet still strangely innocent way.
This made Castiel's practised façade crinkle into a soft frown, "I'm not of any royal lineage."
"Well," she leaned in even closer, her hand inching towards his on the table, "I think I'm willing to make an exception just for you," her breath was dangerously close enough to caress his ear when Dean intervened, placing a protective arm around Castiel's shoulders.
"Sorry, princess, he's taken." he said, irritated.
Snow White drew back, confused and a little hurt. "I don't understand… Has he been promised to another lady of the land?"
"Not in those exact words," said Castiel before Dean could smother his lips with his own and commence a full-on make-out session just to prove a mild point. Snow White looked aghast - of course the general aspect of the public display of such affection aggravated her, but it was also a bothersome introduction of a new cast of romantic rivals.
"I didn't… I didn't know princes could love each other… This is very inconvenient indeed."
The dwarfs all glared at Mopy who vividly slapped his palm to his face.
Then the girl looked over at Sam and smiled appreciatively, "You aren't…um… promised to anyone too, are you?"
Sam broke away from his engrossing staring contest with the elephant (which he'd almost won, in his opinion) and stared at the girl as her words caught up with him.
"Ah, no! No, no. No - I mean yes! Well not promised promised…" he struggled to wiggle his way out of this one. Dean only sniggered in bemusement as Castiel looked on expectantly. The dwarfs all held their breath; even Sneezy was pinching his itchy nose.
"Well?" Snow White urged him on. Sam would have given anything to have something disrupt the moment.
Suddenly, there came a tapping at the door. Doc grumbled as he went to see who it was; Sam let out a relieved breath.
"Excuse me," said one of three pigs at the door, "You wouldn't mind sheltering us for a while, now, would you? We heard that you took in a young girl not so long ago, and there's this rather terrifying wolf out there who is so very keen on eating us, and so, if it isn't too much of a bother…"
"Well, erm, thing is…"
Before he could finish his excuse, a piece of pastry appeared from out of nowhere and marched through the door, crying, "You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
The dwarf stared after it in confusion; the pigs took this as an invitation and said, "There's a good chap. Knew you'd understand," and bustled their way through the door.
Castiel remarked, "This is getting quite silly."
"What the hell's going on?" cried Dean.
"Okay, okay! You exist! There, happy?!" yelled Sam to the invisible elephant.
There came a second knock on the door, Bashful went to see. He let in an ancient lady of yore whose wrinkles could not be qualified by a foul enough simile.
She said in a crackled voice, "The fountain of youth that thou seek'st is - no, wait. That's not it." She cleared her throat and reached into her basket, turning to Snow White. "See, I've always wanted to go into divining prophecies. I'm not too good at this daft revenge lark. Oh, don't bite that, love, it's poisoned. See, the big bucks are in the divining business. Every royal head is just mad to know if they're next to kick the bucket…"
Sam tugged at Dean's arm, "Dean, let's get the hell outta here. This place is creeping me the fuck out; nothing is making any sense, and, frankly, I don't even know if there was even a vague idea of at least an outline to this excursion of ours."
"Is that the elephant talking?" asked Dean, amused by the whole situation.
"The elephant is one of the many things," huffed Sam.
"Sam is right," affirmed Castiel, "This place seems oddly immune to the basic rules of physics. It's almost as if… this place were brought forth by some obtuse being who devised a fantastical realm with no rhyme or reason."
The whole room hushed at this silent revelation; the implications of it made too clear and harrowing as it sank in. Was free will and independent thought nothing but the festering fruit of an unhinged mind? The apple fell to the ground - untouched.
Dean broke the silence, "Cas… just… no. You just don't say shit like that, okay?"
"But -"
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes warily, "Just get us out of here. And Sam, wouldja stop eyeballing Dumbo already?!"
"I'm not -"
He didn't have time to reply; Castiel had already hastily zapped them to the Impala parked in front of an all-American diner in Illinois.
Dean breathed out, relieved, "Home sweet home," then turned to Castiel in the backseat, "Cas… if you ever wanna take a joyride through Fairy Tale Land, a warning would be appreciated."
Castiel sighed and lay his head against the cool window, none too enthralled by the return to reality.
"What is it?" asked Dean, concerned.
"I guess…" he said, "I guess fairy tales appealed to me because of their nostalgic and whimsical nature. I wanted to see if I could somehow borrow a little bit of that fix-it magic and… no, never mind. It's foolish."
"No. No it's not." Dean finally understood why the broken angel had rifled through all those childhood stories. "I get it now."
Castiel lifted his head from the pane; a soft, brilliant smile glinted in his raw, painful eyes.
End.
***
A/N bis : I know that this is probably the lesser of my Bedtime Stories... Well... you can't win 'em all. That's why this is going to be my last story. Unless a really awesome idea strikes.