A Call To Arms
Another day, another morning waking up feeling like I've downed a whole bottle of Tesco own-brand vodka. My head's all muggy, my nasal passages burn like the fires of hell and tears are streaming down my face like an emo kid in an onion warehouse. Yes, my friends, it's hayfever season again- and I for one have had enough. Too long have we suffered at the (metaphorical) hands of this accursed afflicition; too many have fallen to the sniffles and eye-watering irritation this seasonal menace has wrought upon us. Thus I put it to you, dear friends, that there's but one course of action we can take if we are to free ourselves from this annual sneezefest: we must DESTROY POLLEN ONCE AND FOR ALL.
Yeah, yeah, you're bound to get horticultural extremists of every stripe whinging and whining about the wholescale massacre of their beloved flowers- well, boo-fucking-hoo. These flora-fixated fascists need to be reminded that their despicably selfish actions may produce prize blooms to be fawned over by deviants and the elderly, but the right-thinking folk of this nation surely see them not as cultivators of beauty, but as engineers of pain. We'll also doubtlessly incur the wrath of the suits in the honey industry, but I ask you- should we honestly take heed of those making their money from the arses of honeybees, the chavs of the insect world? I believe it to be no coincidence that in Watford, the stab-happy underclass congregate around the statue of a hornet, perhaps recognising it as a queen or deity of some sort- and would you flavour your tea or enhance your sandwiches with anything that derived from the orifices of your local neighbourhood hoodlums? I thought not. So, comrades- pick up your secateurs, your lawnmowers, your gasoline and napalm and strike the coup de grace against that bastard pollen so that our children, and our children's children will only wake up feeling like the inside of John Prescott's armpit after imbibing too much of whatever alcoholic beverage the youth are drinking in the future (my vote: space vodka.)