Rough draft of my Troma essay
Troma is a corporation. Whether we like to admit this or not, it is true. However, being a corporation and acting “corporate” are two entirely different things. The cock sucking totem pole that is “Big Business” does not apply to Troma’s formula for success, and that is one of the main reasons they exist after thirty years of fart jokes, carnage, and controversy.
I write this to you, the Troma fan, not because I want to, but because it seems I have to. Originally, I was emailing Lloyd and he suggested that I write an essay about the conspiracy behind the major movie studios trying to fuck Troma out of business. I intended to get around to that eventually, in a week or two.
However, the next day or two I logged onto Dread Central (formerly Creature-Corner) to check out the latest horror news. Head writer Johnny Butane had just posted a review for the excellent new Rue Morgue magazine that features a two-page article on Troma’s 30th anniversary. So there I am, scanning the article to see if he mentions Troma, and sure enough he does.
He states, “Some of the articles seem like throwaways, space fillers if you will, like the brief couple of pages about Troma’s 30th anniversary.” This would be fine except he continues to say, “My god are they still around?”
At this point I am wondering why this guy sees it as his job to smear Troma. Then the picture becomes infinitely blurrier by Butane wishing that the article had been, “exercised all together..., but that has more to do with my personal feelings about the studio than it does anything else.”
I scratched my head for a moment, then pondered, “Who the hell forced you to watch a Troma movie, douchebag? It is one thing to have ‘personal feelings’ against a mega-conglomerate which rapes the film industry and more specifically the horror film industry because they put out crap like Van Helsing and Gothika, but why Troma? Troma is simply a small, truly independent film corporation that spits in the face of those who wish to water down OUR movies. You don’t have to like Troma movies, but you simply have to respect Troma as an ideology.”
I thought all that in a matter of seconds and was sure as hell going to write this Troma essay a lot sooner than expected. I am here to set the record straight for all of those who oppose Troma and what Troma stands for. If you are one who does, then shove it up your ass with broken glass, and here’s why...
The MPAA can suck everyone’s balls, not just my own. Their Nazi-regime makes the film industry reminiscent of Warsaw circa 1939. They are either stupid or pretending to be stupid. I believe the former to be true, however the latter shows up at times as well. If Troma were to complete a movie called “Goat Fucking USA,” the MPAA would view it and ask why there is goat fucking in it. This is where they are simply pretending to be stupid to protect our youth for whatever reason they can conjure.
However, those who go to see “Goat Fucking USA” don’t want Colin Farrell and Brad Pitt making out with each other, but they go to see the goat fucking! This is simply metaphor to what the MPAA does to horror movie fans. We go to horror movies for gore, tits, and ass: we are that sick! That leaves me to wonder whom the MPAA is cutting the gore out for. Did the Pope request a private screening of “Troma’s War?”
The same can be said for the music industry. For some reason a band such as Cannibal Corpse is forced to put out edited versions of their albums. Doesn’t the name of the band tell you enough to steer clearly if you are a puss? Speaking of pussies, who buys the edited versions, anyway?
Back to the MPAA, why does Troma even have to submit a film to them for rating? It seems that no matter what Troma has put out or would put out, the MPAA would give it an X rating simply out of spite. I believe that if Troma were to produce a 30-second clip of kittens in baskets playing with a cute infant, the MPAA would give it an X rating, citing child pornography. After 30 years of being Troma-tized, why is the MPAA even shocked by this stuff anymore?
Ratings should be suggested, not enforced. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t even need ratings but some hippie liberal douchebag parent would complain that they were irresponsibly not watching their kid and that kid saw a woman’s foot. Doesn’t this crap sound like what the Taliban was doing to women, keeping them in beekeeper outfits?
I write this to you, the Troma fan, not because I want to, but because it seems I have to. Originally, I was emailing Lloyd and he suggested that I write an essay about the conspiracy behind the major movie studios trying to fuck Troma out of business. I intended to get around to that eventually, in a week or two.
However, the next day or two I logged onto Dread Central (formerly Creature-Corner) to check out the latest horror news. Head writer Johnny Butane had just posted a review for the excellent new Rue Morgue magazine that features a two-page article on Troma’s 30th anniversary. So there I am, scanning the article to see if he mentions Troma, and sure enough he does.
He states, “Some of the articles seem like throwaways, space fillers if you will, like the brief couple of pages about Troma’s 30th anniversary.” This would be fine except he continues to say, “My god are they still around?”
At this point I am wondering why this guy sees it as his job to smear Troma. Then the picture becomes infinitely blurrier by Butane wishing that the article had been, “exercised all together..., but that has more to do with my personal feelings about the studio than it does anything else.”
I scratched my head for a moment, then pondered, “Who the hell forced you to watch a Troma movie, douchebag? It is one thing to have ‘personal feelings’ against a mega-conglomerate which rapes the film industry and more specifically the horror film industry because they put out crap like Van Helsing and Gothika, but why Troma? Troma is simply a small, truly independent film corporation that spits in the face of those who wish to water down OUR movies. You don’t have to like Troma movies, but you simply have to respect Troma as an ideology.”
I thought all that in a matter of seconds and was sure as hell going to write this Troma essay a lot sooner than expected. I am here to set the record straight for all of those who oppose Troma and what Troma stands for. If you are one who does, then shove it up your ass with broken glass, and here’s why...
The MPAA can suck everyone’s balls, not just my own. Their Nazi-regime makes the film industry reminiscent of Warsaw circa 1939. They are either stupid or pretending to be stupid. I believe the former to be true, however the latter shows up at times as well. If Troma were to complete a movie called “Goat Fucking USA,” the MPAA would view it and ask why there is goat fucking in it. This is where they are simply pretending to be stupid to protect our youth for whatever reason they can conjure.
However, those who go to see “Goat Fucking USA” don’t want Colin Farrell and Brad Pitt making out with each other, but they go to see the goat fucking! This is simply metaphor to what the MPAA does to horror movie fans. We go to horror movies for gore, tits, and ass: we are that sick! That leaves me to wonder whom the MPAA is cutting the gore out for. Did the Pope request a private screening of “Troma’s War?”
The same can be said for the music industry. For some reason a band such as Cannibal Corpse is forced to put out edited versions of their albums. Doesn’t the name of the band tell you enough to steer clearly if you are a puss? Speaking of pussies, who buys the edited versions, anyway?
Back to the MPAA, why does Troma even have to submit a film to them for rating? It seems that no matter what Troma has put out or would put out, the MPAA would give it an X rating simply out of spite. I believe that if Troma were to produce a 30-second clip of kittens in baskets playing with a cute infant, the MPAA would give it an X rating, citing child pornography. After 30 years of being Troma-tized, why is the MPAA even shocked by this stuff anymore?
Ratings should be suggested, not enforced. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t even need ratings but some hippie liberal douchebag parent would complain that they were irresponsibly not watching their kid and that kid saw a woman’s foot. Doesn’t this crap sound like what the Taliban was doing to women, keeping them in beekeeper outfits?