(no subject)
I am awake now, and full of regret. My sleep did not come easily, and it was full of different nightmares. The pit and pain at the top of my stomach, bottom of my chest are still here. I apologize immensely for letting this flood over onto you. I apologize for pushing you away in fear, and hurt. My body shakes and quivers even now, and I fear much. I wonder to myself how truly bad the situation is, and I want to cry out loud to the heavens that it's not right, and deny my feelings last night, or lack thereof. I still feel the cold tingling, the near empitness, and the hurt, but I am fighting like hell to avoid emotional atrophy. I truly yearn for your hug and embrace, I want to know that even though I feel so alone, that I know I truly am not. I want you to make me feel better in a way that no one else can, I want to know that through you, and with affection and all feelings associated with and through love that you are capable of halting my pain and making me feel...when I am in this mood.
I have cherished our time together and wish unlimited time together hereafter, but I fear deeply that I have ruined things. I only hope I can help you understand what I am going through, and that my intentions last night were not to hurt you at all, nor anger you. I really needed you last night, if even only for a little while. And when you said you couldn't make it, I felt betrayed somehow, abandoned, and left for dead. I know these feelings are stupid, and not true. I know you care, and that you have done much for me, but the feelings remained there, despite my knowing different. That is why I lashed out the way I did, and I apologize. You do not deserve such treatment, and it is not in my nature to treat people this way. I am angry at myself, for letting hurt and misguided feelings cause me to act in such a childish and bratty way.
I hope this day goes well.
I have cherished our time together and wish unlimited time together hereafter, but I fear deeply that I have ruined things. I only hope I can help you understand what I am going through, and that my intentions last night were not to hurt you at all, nor anger you. I really needed you last night, if even only for a little while. And when you said you couldn't make it, I felt betrayed somehow, abandoned, and left for dead. I know these feelings are stupid, and not true. I know you care, and that you have done much for me, but the feelings remained there, despite my knowing different. That is why I lashed out the way I did, and I apologize. You do not deserve such treatment, and it is not in my nature to treat people this way. I am angry at myself, for letting hurt and misguided feelings cause me to act in such a childish and bratty way.
I hope this day goes well.