It's been a very long couple of weeks.
[RP with nokidflash, after Bart provoked a Fury and Cissie and Cassie had this talk.]
Bart closed his laptop and put it on the night table next to his side of the bed. Cissie was already done, and was reading, so he rolled onto his side and snuggled up next to her, tugging her arm around him, resting his head against her chest. "Hey."
Cissie set her book aside and wrapped her arms around him. She leaned her head against the top of his and kissed his hair. "Hi. How're you feeling?"
"Okay." Once her book was gone, Bart snuggled in closer. "I maybe sort of just provoked a female fury."
She ran her hand up and down his back, but when he said that, she stopped. "You what?"
"Uh, well. I don't know." Bart was making a face, even though she couldn't see it. "Speed Queen? Or something. She was talking trash about how fast she is. I just talked some trash back."
Cissie resisted the urge to sigh and said, "Did you know who she was?"
"Yeah. See, she was trash-talking to Kon. And he brought my name up, so, you know. I dunno. I was just in a bad mood." Bart sighed. "She's on Apokalips, it's not like she can do anything."
She hid her face in his hair, trying to take a moment and not over-react. "Ah." She really didn't know what to say about it. It wasn't like freaking out would be at all rational. "Should I yell at Kon for mentioning your name?"
"No. I mean, he mentioned me as Inertia." Though he'd used an icon with Bart's face in it. "But my secret identity isn't so secret since I came back from the dead anyway." Just the facts. "You're not upset with me?"
Cissie didn't answer immediately, which was probably a mistake, but she had to make sure she didn't sound upset when she answered. "No, I'm not upset with you."
Bart shifted so he could look up at her. "Yes you are."
She dropped her head back and sighed at the ceiling. "I'm not upset," she said. "I'm just--I don't know. What happened, exactly?"
"You're upset, Ciss, I can tell." He pulled away a little. "Nothing, I just said she should look me up if she ever makes it here. And then sort of made fun of how Apokalips sort of sucks at taking over the planet and stuff."
"You said what?"
Bart made another little face. "Uh. What?"
"You told her to look you up?"
"Oh." He looked down at his hands. "Yeah?"
Cissie looked at him for a second, then pressed her hands over her face, leaning her head back again. "Okay, so, let me see. You provoked a female fury. No--you trash-talked a female fury. And told her to look you up. And then you... made fun of Apokalips?"
"Uh. Yeah." Bart looked back up at her. "And I sort of said Darkseid sucks."
Cissie dropped her hands and stared. "You said... Oh, Bart. You didn't."
Bart frowned. "They can't hurt us, Ciss."
"They have before!"
"Ciss..." He reached out and took one of her hands. "I'm sorry."
She squeezed his hand and leaned over to press her forehead against his shoulder. "What's going on with you today?"
"Nothing. I just feel weird." He sighed. "I've been projecting myself a lot. Just to test it out. If I can control it... maybe I can keep an eye on people or find them if they go missing. Like Cassie." Bart wrapped an arm around her. "I think I'm just pushing too hard."
Cissie put her arms around him and held on. "Oh, Bart. I wish--are you blaming yourself? For what happened? Still?"
"No, I don't know." He sighed against her neck. "I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I could have stopped it. I could have been there."
She hugged him tighter. "It's not your fault. Or anyone's. We all can think of things we could have done, you know. But it doesn't make it anyone's fault."
"I want to keep you safe," he whispered after a minute. "No matter what."
Cissie pressed her face against his hair, just holding him and breathing. "You do," she whispered back. "I don't--I don't want you to push yourself too hard, Bart. I don't want you to--You have to be careful."
"I'm careful." Except not exactly. "I'm just tired. I don't know, Ciss. I feel stuck."
"Stuck?" she repeated. "How do you mean?"
"Like. We're going to start a team up. But we've said that before. And I do what I can, but in the meantime..." He sighed. "I'm waiting. I hate waiting. I'm waiting to officially marry you. I'm waiting for the team. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I'm glad we exchanged vows on your birthday, that helped, it's just..." Bart didn't want her to feel like he was saying he's stuck with her. "You're the only thing in the world I can wait for, Ciss. The rest... I'm impatient. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's okay. I mean, it's not really, because--but you don't have to be sorry for that." She shook her head, closing her eyes, and tightened her arms around him. She didn't really know what to say, or how to help, because... he was right, to a certain extent. They were all waiting. Sometimes it felt like that was all she ever did. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Bart blinked and pulled away. "What are you sorry for?"
Cissie shrugged awkwardly, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She didn't really want to answer that, but she knew he wouldn't let her deflect it, so she finally whispered, "I want to help. I don't know how."
"Oh." He stared at her for a second. "Seriously? You help every day."
She shrugged a little and muttered, "You're unhappy. And. I don't know."
"No no, I'm not. Not unhappy. Not with you." Bart moved quickly, pulling her into his lap, so he could frame her face with his hands. He ran his thumbs along her temple. "I love you. You're the only thing that always makes me happy. No matter what else, I know that when I see you I'll be happy again. The rest of the stuff is just stuff. You and me... that's my life."
Cissie leaned into his hands, closing her eyes while he spoke. When he finished, she leaned in and kissed him before just leaning her temple against his. "I love you so much, Bart. I just--want you to be happy. All the time. Not just with me."
"You're crazy." Bart smiled. "I am. I'm happy all the time, because I know you're with me."
She smiled a little and then pulled back to look him in the eyes. "You said you pushed yourself too hard."
"Yeah, I did. For you." He didn't break eye contact with her. "It doesn't mean I'm not happy."
"I know," she said softly. "I'm sorry. I kind of switched topics. But I--I don't want you to. Push yourself too hard, I mean."
"Oh." Bart sighed. "I'll... try not to."
Cissie bit her lip, watching him closely. "What is it?"
"Nothing." Bart shook his head. "I promise I'll be careful. But since I got back I've been able to do new things. And I have to figure them out, so I don't hurt anyone. Or myself." Or Cissie. Especially Cissie. "So I can promise I'll be careful, but I can't promise I won't push myself too hard. I'll just do my best."
She leaned in and touched her forehead to his. "I know. You always do." She was quiet for a second before whispering, "It's just... if you do, you--you might go too far..."
"I won't." Bart's voice was firm. "That I promise. I'm never leaving you, Cissie. Ever. Ever."
Cissie let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and curled up into him, tucking her head in against his neck. "Okay. Can you just--hold me for a minute?"
"Yeah, of course. Yeah." Bart pulled her in close, wrapping his arms tight around her. He just sat there completely still, holding her, waiting for her to be ready to talk again. It was one of his rare still moments, and it was all for her.
Cissie just breathed, holding him and being held. She took a few deep breaths and listened to his heart beating and felt him breathing under her, and let that steady her. "I'm sorry," she said after a while. "I didn't mean to freak out. I love you."
"You don't have to apologize, Ciss. I was being stupid. Makes sense that you'd freak out at me." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sort of lucky you can put up with me."
She smiled, even though he couldn't see. "I'm the lucky one." She pressed a kiss to his neck and relaxed against him. "Bart, can I ask you something?"
He could feel her smile against his neck. It was enough. "Sure, yeah. Of course you can."
She let out a soft sigh. "I was talking to Cassie, about that picture meme, and she asked me what makes me feel safe. And--I don't know. What makes you feel safe? You do feel safe sometimes, don't you?"
"Oh." Bart furrowed his brow. "I always feel safe." Was that weird? "I don't die."
Cissie hugged him closer. "I said you make me feel safe. And Cassie, and everyone else. The people I love. Cassie said... she doesn't feel safe. Well, sometimes she does. But then she asked how I defined safe, and I don't think I've really thought about that before. And I don't know if I... I think I upset her. I didn't mean to."
"Oh." Everything seemed to upset Cassie these days. He'd actually been surprised when their conversation had gone as well as it had, with her being pretty open with him and not shutting down. "How did you tell her you define safe?"
"I said I didn't know. Loved. Not afraid or alone. I guess. It's... I still don't know if that's what I mean, either, but it's the closest I could come up with." She tilted her head to look up at him. "How would you define it?"
"Not afraid." Bart shrugged lightly. "Feeling safe is feeling not afraid."
"Oh." Cissie was quiet for a moment. "Cassie said she thinks it means free from harm or danger--protected. Which... I guess they're all kind of the same thing, to a degree." She shrugged. "I don't know."
"I guess everyone's different. I don't get why that would upset her." Other than that it involved introspection, which she didn't seem so great at. "Did she say why?"
"She didn't really say it upset her; I could just tell. First she said she doesn't feel safe. And then she said she hopes she makes it safe for other people, and that sometimes she feels safe, and then she said she didn't have a good answer for me, and when she has an answer, she'll tell me." She made a face, feeling guilty all over again for upsetting her. "I probably shouldn't have asked her."
"You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your best friend, dork." He ran his fingers through her hair. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I know," she said quietly. "I'm not afraid. It's just--I know sometimes she has a hard time talking. Especially about... stuff like that. And--I think we're all still kind of dealing with last week and everything, and--I could have just let it go."
"Yeah, but you didn't. You still didn't do anything wrong." Bart sighed. "I'm glad I make you feel safe."
She moved to look him in the eye, hugging him tighter. "Always. You make me feel safer than anything else has, ever."
"I'll keep you safe. You and our kids, when we have them." He leaned forward and kissed her. "Don't worry about Cassie. She'll be okay. But you should talk to her again if you want."
She kissed him back. "I know. And we'll keep you safe. Even if you already feel safe," she said, smiling a little. She gave him another kiss. "I will. Talk with Cass. Later, though."
"Okay." Multiple kisses. Hmmm. "What're you going to do now?"
"Kiss you," she said. And she did, pressing her lips to his forehead, his nose, and then his mouth. She pushed at his shoulder to make him lie down. "Is that okay?"
"Mmmhmmm." He slid down on the bed a little so he could lay down. "Really okay. That's the okayest thing I've heard all day."
"Good." Cissie waited until he was settled, then moved to lie over him. She pushed her fingers through his hair and touched her forehead to his. "I love you, Bart Allen."
Bart closed his eyes and took a deep breath as her fingers moved through his hair. Cissie could always make his toes curl just by doing that. "I love you too, Cissie King-Jones-Allen."
Bart closed his laptop and put it on the night table next to his side of the bed. Cissie was already done, and was reading, so he rolled onto his side and snuggled up next to her, tugging her arm around him, resting his head against her chest. "Hey."
Cissie set her book aside and wrapped her arms around him. She leaned her head against the top of his and kissed his hair. "Hi. How're you feeling?"
"Okay." Once her book was gone, Bart snuggled in closer. "I maybe sort of just provoked a female fury."
She ran her hand up and down his back, but when he said that, she stopped. "You what?"
"Uh, well. I don't know." Bart was making a face, even though she couldn't see it. "Speed Queen? Or something. She was talking trash about how fast she is. I just talked some trash back."
Cissie resisted the urge to sigh and said, "Did you know who she was?"
"Yeah. See, she was trash-talking to Kon. And he brought my name up, so, you know. I dunno. I was just in a bad mood." Bart sighed. "She's on Apokalips, it's not like she can do anything."
She hid her face in his hair, trying to take a moment and not over-react. "Ah." She really didn't know what to say about it. It wasn't like freaking out would be at all rational. "Should I yell at Kon for mentioning your name?"
"No. I mean, he mentioned me as Inertia." Though he'd used an icon with Bart's face in it. "But my secret identity isn't so secret since I came back from the dead anyway." Just the facts. "You're not upset with me?"
Cissie didn't answer immediately, which was probably a mistake, but she had to make sure she didn't sound upset when she answered. "No, I'm not upset with you."
Bart shifted so he could look up at her. "Yes you are."
She dropped her head back and sighed at the ceiling. "I'm not upset," she said. "I'm just--I don't know. What happened, exactly?"
"You're upset, Ciss, I can tell." He pulled away a little. "Nothing, I just said she should look me up if she ever makes it here. And then sort of made fun of how Apokalips sort of sucks at taking over the planet and stuff."
"You said what?"
Bart made another little face. "Uh. What?"
"You told her to look you up?"
"Oh." He looked down at his hands. "Yeah?"
Cissie looked at him for a second, then pressed her hands over her face, leaning her head back again. "Okay, so, let me see. You provoked a female fury. No--you trash-talked a female fury. And told her to look you up. And then you... made fun of Apokalips?"
"Uh. Yeah." Bart looked back up at her. "And I sort of said Darkseid sucks."
Cissie dropped her hands and stared. "You said... Oh, Bart. You didn't."
Bart frowned. "They can't hurt us, Ciss."
"They have before!"
"Ciss..." He reached out and took one of her hands. "I'm sorry."
She squeezed his hand and leaned over to press her forehead against his shoulder. "What's going on with you today?"
"Nothing. I just feel weird." He sighed. "I've been projecting myself a lot. Just to test it out. If I can control it... maybe I can keep an eye on people or find them if they go missing. Like Cassie." Bart wrapped an arm around her. "I think I'm just pushing too hard."
Cissie put her arms around him and held on. "Oh, Bart. I wish--are you blaming yourself? For what happened? Still?"
"No, I don't know." He sighed against her neck. "I know it's not my fault, but I feel like I could have stopped it. I could have been there."
She hugged him tighter. "It's not your fault. Or anyone's. We all can think of things we could have done, you know. But it doesn't make it anyone's fault."
"I want to keep you safe," he whispered after a minute. "No matter what."
Cissie pressed her face against his hair, just holding him and breathing. "You do," she whispered back. "I don't--I don't want you to push yourself too hard, Bart. I don't want you to--You have to be careful."
"I'm careful." Except not exactly. "I'm just tired. I don't know, Ciss. I feel stuck."
"Stuck?" she repeated. "How do you mean?"
"Like. We're going to start a team up. But we've said that before. And I do what I can, but in the meantime..." He sighed. "I'm waiting. I hate waiting. I'm waiting to officially marry you. I'm waiting for the team. I'm waiting to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I'm glad we exchanged vows on your birthday, that helped, it's just..." Bart didn't want her to feel like he was saying he's stuck with her. "You're the only thing in the world I can wait for, Ciss. The rest... I'm impatient. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's okay. I mean, it's not really, because--but you don't have to be sorry for that." She shook her head, closing her eyes, and tightened her arms around him. She didn't really know what to say, or how to help, because... he was right, to a certain extent. They were all waiting. Sometimes it felt like that was all she ever did. "I'm sorry."
"What?" Bart blinked and pulled away. "What are you sorry for?"
Cissie shrugged awkwardly, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She didn't really want to answer that, but she knew he wouldn't let her deflect it, so she finally whispered, "I want to help. I don't know how."
"Oh." He stared at her for a second. "Seriously? You help every day."
She shrugged a little and muttered, "You're unhappy. And. I don't know."
"No no, I'm not. Not unhappy. Not with you." Bart moved quickly, pulling her into his lap, so he could frame her face with his hands. He ran his thumbs along her temple. "I love you. You're the only thing that always makes me happy. No matter what else, I know that when I see you I'll be happy again. The rest of the stuff is just stuff. You and me... that's my life."
Cissie leaned into his hands, closing her eyes while he spoke. When he finished, she leaned in and kissed him before just leaning her temple against his. "I love you so much, Bart. I just--want you to be happy. All the time. Not just with me."
"You're crazy." Bart smiled. "I am. I'm happy all the time, because I know you're with me."
She smiled a little and then pulled back to look him in the eyes. "You said you pushed yourself too hard."
"Yeah, I did. For you." He didn't break eye contact with her. "It doesn't mean I'm not happy."
"I know," she said softly. "I'm sorry. I kind of switched topics. But I--I don't want you to. Push yourself too hard, I mean."
"Oh." Bart sighed. "I'll... try not to."
Cissie bit her lip, watching him closely. "What is it?"
"Nothing." Bart shook his head. "I promise I'll be careful. But since I got back I've been able to do new things. And I have to figure them out, so I don't hurt anyone. Or myself." Or Cissie. Especially Cissie. "So I can promise I'll be careful, but I can't promise I won't push myself too hard. I'll just do my best."
She leaned in and touched her forehead to his. "I know. You always do." She was quiet for a second before whispering, "It's just... if you do, you--you might go too far..."
"I won't." Bart's voice was firm. "That I promise. I'm never leaving you, Cissie. Ever. Ever."
Cissie let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and curled up into him, tucking her head in against his neck. "Okay. Can you just--hold me for a minute?"
"Yeah, of course. Yeah." Bart pulled her in close, wrapping his arms tight around her. He just sat there completely still, holding her, waiting for her to be ready to talk again. It was one of his rare still moments, and it was all for her.
Cissie just breathed, holding him and being held. She took a few deep breaths and listened to his heart beating and felt him breathing under her, and let that steady her. "I'm sorry," she said after a while. "I didn't mean to freak out. I love you."
"You don't have to apologize, Ciss. I was being stupid. Makes sense that you'd freak out at me." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sort of lucky you can put up with me."
She smiled, even though he couldn't see. "I'm the lucky one." She pressed a kiss to his neck and relaxed against him. "Bart, can I ask you something?"
He could feel her smile against his neck. It was enough. "Sure, yeah. Of course you can."
She let out a soft sigh. "I was talking to Cassie, about that picture meme, and she asked me what makes me feel safe. And--I don't know. What makes you feel safe? You do feel safe sometimes, don't you?"
"Oh." Bart furrowed his brow. "I always feel safe." Was that weird? "I don't die."
Cissie hugged him closer. "I said you make me feel safe. And Cassie, and everyone else. The people I love. Cassie said... she doesn't feel safe. Well, sometimes she does. But then she asked how I defined safe, and I don't think I've really thought about that before. And I don't know if I... I think I upset her. I didn't mean to."
"Oh." Everything seemed to upset Cassie these days. He'd actually been surprised when their conversation had gone as well as it had, with her being pretty open with him and not shutting down. "How did you tell her you define safe?"
"I said I didn't know. Loved. Not afraid or alone. I guess. It's... I still don't know if that's what I mean, either, but it's the closest I could come up with." She tilted her head to look up at him. "How would you define it?"
"Not afraid." Bart shrugged lightly. "Feeling safe is feeling not afraid."
"Oh." Cissie was quiet for a moment. "Cassie said she thinks it means free from harm or danger--protected. Which... I guess they're all kind of the same thing, to a degree." She shrugged. "I don't know."
"I guess everyone's different. I don't get why that would upset her." Other than that it involved introspection, which she didn't seem so great at. "Did she say why?"
"She didn't really say it upset her; I could just tell. First she said she doesn't feel safe. And then she said she hopes she makes it safe for other people, and that sometimes she feels safe, and then she said she didn't have a good answer for me, and when she has an answer, she'll tell me." She made a face, feeling guilty all over again for upsetting her. "I probably shouldn't have asked her."
"You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your best friend, dork." He ran his fingers through her hair. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I know," she said quietly. "I'm not afraid. It's just--I know sometimes she has a hard time talking. Especially about... stuff like that. And--I think we're all still kind of dealing with last week and everything, and--I could have just let it go."
"Yeah, but you didn't. You still didn't do anything wrong." Bart sighed. "I'm glad I make you feel safe."
She moved to look him in the eye, hugging him tighter. "Always. You make me feel safer than anything else has, ever."
"I'll keep you safe. You and our kids, when we have them." He leaned forward and kissed her. "Don't worry about Cassie. She'll be okay. But you should talk to her again if you want."
She kissed him back. "I know. And we'll keep you safe. Even if you already feel safe," she said, smiling a little. She gave him another kiss. "I will. Talk with Cass. Later, though."
"Okay." Multiple kisses. Hmmm. "What're you going to do now?"
"Kiss you," she said. And she did, pressing her lips to his forehead, his nose, and then his mouth. She pushed at his shoulder to make him lie down. "Is that okay?"
"Mmmhmmm." He slid down on the bed a little so he could lay down. "Really okay. That's the okayest thing I've heard all day."
"Good." Cissie waited until he was settled, then moved to lie over him. She pushed her fingers through his hair and touched her forehead to his. "I love you, Bart Allen."
Bart closed his eyes and took a deep breath as her fingers moved through his hair. Cissie could always make his toes curl just by doing that. "I love you too, Cissie King-Jones-Allen."