BSG: The Last Episode (or my Deus Ex Machina is bigger than yours)
Well, after a long time coming, we're finally here. The last episode of Battlestar Galactica. The oft proclaimed 'best sci-fi show on television' is wrapped up and over with and what are we left with? How does it all end?
Well, let me tell you, boys and girls, it ends with a whimper, not a bang. That ending is the most outrageous bit of offal I have ever had the displeasure of watching on television. If I have to sum up my position in a single word, that word would be outrage. I will do my best to enumerate the reasons why I have decided to hate this filthy load of dren.
1. The flashbacks. They tied poorly back into the story and served as harsh breaks in pacing. Essentially, they were time fillers that served little purpose.
2. Deus Ex Machina. Holy frakking hell, was this episode painted in it. There are so many instances of both pure happenstance and then direct divine intervention it gets hard to count. The Cylon colony is destroyed ON ACCIDENT by nukes on a dead Raptor? WHAT THE FRAK!?! The hallucinations of Baltar really are 'angels' appearing to him telling him what to do? And the worst of all, Kara isn't anything interesting (like the daughter of Daniel, the recently named 13th Cylon), but is instead a shared hallucination of another angel who simply vanishes at the end.
3. Luddism (by the truckload). Did Michael Crichton ghost write this episode? Frak. Yes, we get that technology is evil. But in the end, because Lee Fraking Adama asks for it, the entirety of Colonial Fleet trashes their spaceships and reverts to primitive agriculural living conditions on their new home. Because that's somehow better.
4. Poor Characterization. The greatest example of this is Cavil. He was so good in some of the last few episodes of this season (one of the few bright spots) and in the end, the man who wanted to live forever shoots himself in a panic. He makes no effort to get away or try to survive. Just yells "Frak!" puts a gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger because a firefight breaks out around him. Well, I guess if I had to watch this episode too many times, I might do the same.
5. Gaius Baltar and his Magic Tongue. Sounds like a porno, but what is it about this insipid, self serving little toad of a human being that makes him appealing to, well, anyone? From the ridiculousness of his harem and his 'followers' throughout the season, to him finally being able to speechify the terrible Cylon leader down from holding Hera hostage. I didn't believe it at all.
6. Kara Thrace and her Special Destiny. The cover band for Hendrix is in and it's completely unsatisfying, proving once again the original is the best. It turns out her entire special destiny is simply a cover for a Deus Ex Machina. She's not related to Cylons or anything else that might actually make sense. She's an angel, sent back by God, to guide the Colonists to some unnamed planet where humans have evolved on their own. This little blue planet that has a single large moon, seven continents, has 70.8% water cover, and is filled with wildlife, and whose eventual name rhymes with dearth, as in a dearth of good plot... (if you can't guess which planet I'm talking about, you've got a dearth of something).
7. Lee (Perfect Child) Adama. Because it's Lee's suggestion, everyone decides Luddism is the best way to go and they completely trash all modern technology, mingle with the prehistoric human population, and begin the race of man on Earth from about 150,000 years before the modern date. Why is it no one is ever able to argue against the shit the occasionally dribbles out of this man's mouth? Why wasn't there three seconds of someone going 'but what about modern medicine? Sanitation? etc?' Instead we get Romo Lampkin going 'well, everyone's really amenable'. *headdesk* And in the end, Lee doesn't even want to participate in making things livable for the human race. He wants to go wander off and find his inner free spirit and see pretty things. Frak you, Lee Adama, you worthless piece of dren.
8. No last Viper fight for Apollo and Starbuck. Yeah, I missed those. And there was a massive Viper/Raider battle this episode, and Hot Dog was our only major character involved in it. Ugh. Why are the two best pilots running the ground assault? Helo and Sharon could have handled that with cut backs into the Viper fight to add tension, action, and fun.
9. Adama's ending. He becomes a hermit on another continent, with only Laura's grave for company after she finally succumbs to her cancer. It.... ugh. Laura's was the only ending I felt any emotion for at all. I loved the Laura Roslin character and I'm happy she finally got something at the end, but the way they have Adama react to her ending just killed me. He removes himself completely and is never seen again. As if the sum total of his emotional investment is just Laura. Not his son, or his crew, or humanity. I can't imagine how what they've gone through would not create an unbreakable bond of community that would tie them all together for generations to come. Instead three major characters essentially just lay down and die (Laura literally, then Adama, and then Kara, who vanishes), and one who just wanders off (Lee).
10. The 150,000 years later with the 'Angels'. Yes, RDM and Eick, we get the fact that God intervened. And by tossing those two (formerly known as Head!Six and Head!Baltar) into modern day New York Times Square, you help reinforce that YES, God had to come down and save humanity from itself. You leave no mystery or imagination. Thank you, you pretentious hacks.
This is just a simple ten point list, but there are so many other reasons that I'm simply enraged and angry and hated this ending and feel it cheapens the entirety of the television show at this point. I'm honestly considering disposing of my DVD boxed sets at this point, because why the frak would I want to watch them again just to get to THIS ending?
Terrible. Bad. Terribad.
RDM and Eick, you took the best show on television and made it the most pretentious, soulless, self serving piece of shit on television I've ever seen.
You turned Battlestar Galactica in to a giant allegory for Gaius Baltar.
So, there's only one thing I can say right now.
RDM and Eick, if you ever see or read this -- FUCK YOU.
Well, let me tell you, boys and girls, it ends with a whimper, not a bang. That ending is the most outrageous bit of offal I have ever had the displeasure of watching on television. If I have to sum up my position in a single word, that word would be outrage. I will do my best to enumerate the reasons why I have decided to hate this filthy load of dren.
1. The flashbacks. They tied poorly back into the story and served as harsh breaks in pacing. Essentially, they were time fillers that served little purpose.
2. Deus Ex Machina. Holy frakking hell, was this episode painted in it. There are so many instances of both pure happenstance and then direct divine intervention it gets hard to count. The Cylon colony is destroyed ON ACCIDENT by nukes on a dead Raptor? WHAT THE FRAK!?! The hallucinations of Baltar really are 'angels' appearing to him telling him what to do? And the worst of all, Kara isn't anything interesting (like the daughter of Daniel, the recently named 13th Cylon), but is instead a shared hallucination of another angel who simply vanishes at the end.
3. Luddism (by the truckload). Did Michael Crichton ghost write this episode? Frak. Yes, we get that technology is evil. But in the end, because Lee Fraking Adama asks for it, the entirety of Colonial Fleet trashes their spaceships and reverts to primitive agriculural living conditions on their new home. Because that's somehow better.
4. Poor Characterization. The greatest example of this is Cavil. He was so good in some of the last few episodes of this season (one of the few bright spots) and in the end, the man who wanted to live forever shoots himself in a panic. He makes no effort to get away or try to survive. Just yells "Frak!" puts a gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger because a firefight breaks out around him. Well, I guess if I had to watch this episode too many times, I might do the same.
5. Gaius Baltar and his Magic Tongue. Sounds like a porno, but what is it about this insipid, self serving little toad of a human being that makes him appealing to, well, anyone? From the ridiculousness of his harem and his 'followers' throughout the season, to him finally being able to speechify the terrible Cylon leader down from holding Hera hostage. I didn't believe it at all.
6. Kara Thrace and her Special Destiny. The cover band for Hendrix is in and it's completely unsatisfying, proving once again the original is the best. It turns out her entire special destiny is simply a cover for a Deus Ex Machina. She's not related to Cylons or anything else that might actually make sense. She's an angel, sent back by God, to guide the Colonists to some unnamed planet where humans have evolved on their own. This little blue planet that has a single large moon, seven continents, has 70.8% water cover, and is filled with wildlife, and whose eventual name rhymes with dearth, as in a dearth of good plot... (if you can't guess which planet I'm talking about, you've got a dearth of something).
7. Lee (Perfect Child) Adama. Because it's Lee's suggestion, everyone decides Luddism is the best way to go and they completely trash all modern technology, mingle with the prehistoric human population, and begin the race of man on Earth from about 150,000 years before the modern date. Why is it no one is ever able to argue against the shit the occasionally dribbles out of this man's mouth? Why wasn't there three seconds of someone going 'but what about modern medicine? Sanitation? etc?' Instead we get Romo Lampkin going 'well, everyone's really amenable'. *headdesk* And in the end, Lee doesn't even want to participate in making things livable for the human race. He wants to go wander off and find his inner free spirit and see pretty things. Frak you, Lee Adama, you worthless piece of dren.
8. No last Viper fight for Apollo and Starbuck. Yeah, I missed those. And there was a massive Viper/Raider battle this episode, and Hot Dog was our only major character involved in it. Ugh. Why are the two best pilots running the ground assault? Helo and Sharon could have handled that with cut backs into the Viper fight to add tension, action, and fun.
9. Adama's ending. He becomes a hermit on another continent, with only Laura's grave for company after she finally succumbs to her cancer. It.... ugh. Laura's was the only ending I felt any emotion for at all. I loved the Laura Roslin character and I'm happy she finally got something at the end, but the way they have Adama react to her ending just killed me. He removes himself completely and is never seen again. As if the sum total of his emotional investment is just Laura. Not his son, or his crew, or humanity. I can't imagine how what they've gone through would not create an unbreakable bond of community that would tie them all together for generations to come. Instead three major characters essentially just lay down and die (Laura literally, then Adama, and then Kara, who vanishes), and one who just wanders off (Lee).
10. The 150,000 years later with the 'Angels'. Yes, RDM and Eick, we get the fact that God intervened. And by tossing those two (formerly known as Head!Six and Head!Baltar) into modern day New York Times Square, you help reinforce that YES, God had to come down and save humanity from itself. You leave no mystery or imagination. Thank you, you pretentious hacks.
This is just a simple ten point list, but there are so many other reasons that I'm simply enraged and angry and hated this ending and feel it cheapens the entirety of the television show at this point. I'm honestly considering disposing of my DVD boxed sets at this point, because why the frak would I want to watch them again just to get to THIS ending?
Terrible. Bad. Terribad.
RDM and Eick, you took the best show on television and made it the most pretentious, soulless, self serving piece of shit on television I've ever seen.
You turned Battlestar Galactica in to a giant allegory for Gaius Baltar.
So, there's only one thing I can say right now.
RDM and Eick, if you ever see or read this -- FUCK YOU.