can we do that right now?
i guess by not writing here often i tend toward the safe side. i never intended for this journal to be a log of daily life. it’s really more of a place to keep things i need to keep that i have nowhere else to put. i’m not sure how much sense that makes to anyone living anywhere outside my head, but that's what it is. the monumental things, see, they’re kept in my brain. the truths, loves, losses, dirty secrets (dirty secrets of others, of course, seeing as i have none of my own), they occupy prime real estate in my brain and are in no threat of being forcibly relocated. the trivial (the fact that a kitchen fire made me miss the mountain goats show, my mild disappointment with d&w’s white tuna sushi) gets utilized and tossed out. this here page is where i determine which of those two categories a piece of information falls into. some seemingly trivial thing will stick with me long enough, whispering into my ear, pleading its case, until i have to throw it down on a table and flip it over and circle it a few times and at some point in that process it will show itself to be either WHITE TUNA SUSHI or UNFLAGGING TRUTH. if it does, in fact, reveal itself to be unflagging truth, i like to have a binding record of the proceedings, in case there's ever an appeal.
yes, my friends, once again we find ourselves trapped in that ol’ pit o’ tar i like to call my mind. cozy?
there are times, like recently, where none of these things present themselves to me. or, rather, i choose not to listen. i’m in a sort of hibernation. i’m so preoccupied by balance (laundry, flossing, baking) and i start to view those processes as opposition to balance. balance can be quite useful, i’ve learned, and has its place. it can also be a defensive construct employed to separate one from one’s essential self. a dyke, if you will.
hey, it’s my journal, i make the rules, and i never said it had to make sense.
apparently someone has pulled their finger out of the dyke. that someone might have been miranda july or it might have been jonathan caouette or it might have been me, i can’t be sure. in any case, within the last week i’ve become a bit unhinged. what is it they say? everything old is new again? and that’s a relief, because i was starting to find myself a bit too fixed and i needed to be broken. thankfully, i can officially say i’m broken again. in all the best ways. it began around the time i watched the movie me and you and everyone we know. or, more specifically, it began with miranda july’s performance in me and you and everyone we know, because there are things in that movie that i haven’t found a place for yet, which look suspiciously like white tuna sushi, and then there is the unflagging truth of her and what she does in that movie. it kind of split my head open a little bit.
and then there was tarnation, which was so difficult for me to watch, which ended up being a great and important thing. it quickly tore me from patterns of thinking in which i was engaging in the hopes of staying balanced, patterns which were so aimed at being comfortable as to throw me completely off balance.
somehow jonathan caouette and miranda july reminded me that broken is right. the ideal is not real, and real is ideal. tarnation had a couple of images of television static and it got me thinking, and not because it was at all implied, that i need to disregard the black and white thinking and even dispel the notion of grey areas, too, because it’s not really black or white or grey, but all colors changing places simultaneously.
whew. careful what you go askin’ for, i just might write another entry.
see those movies, i guess. maybe they won’t be earth shattering to anyone else, but see them, just in case. if nothing else, it’s just a goddamn breath of fresh air that people are using that medium in what seem to be new and meaningful ways. the ideas and lives and actions of these people somehow, electronically, conveyed to me that it was time to abandon the fears i have of doing the things i want to do. and that’s kind of a huge thing, don’t you think?
so now it’s just time to make plans.
yes, my friends, once again we find ourselves trapped in that ol’ pit o’ tar i like to call my mind. cozy?
there are times, like recently, where none of these things present themselves to me. or, rather, i choose not to listen. i’m in a sort of hibernation. i’m so preoccupied by balance (laundry, flossing, baking) and i start to view those processes as opposition to balance. balance can be quite useful, i’ve learned, and has its place. it can also be a defensive construct employed to separate one from one’s essential self. a dyke, if you will.
hey, it’s my journal, i make the rules, and i never said it had to make sense.
apparently someone has pulled their finger out of the dyke. that someone might have been miranda july or it might have been jonathan caouette or it might have been me, i can’t be sure. in any case, within the last week i’ve become a bit unhinged. what is it they say? everything old is new again? and that’s a relief, because i was starting to find myself a bit too fixed and i needed to be broken. thankfully, i can officially say i’m broken again. in all the best ways. it began around the time i watched the movie me and you and everyone we know. or, more specifically, it began with miranda july’s performance in me and you and everyone we know, because there are things in that movie that i haven’t found a place for yet, which look suspiciously like white tuna sushi, and then there is the unflagging truth of her and what she does in that movie. it kind of split my head open a little bit.
and then there was tarnation, which was so difficult for me to watch, which ended up being a great and important thing. it quickly tore me from patterns of thinking in which i was engaging in the hopes of staying balanced, patterns which were so aimed at being comfortable as to throw me completely off balance.
somehow jonathan caouette and miranda july reminded me that broken is right. the ideal is not real, and real is ideal. tarnation had a couple of images of television static and it got me thinking, and not because it was at all implied, that i need to disregard the black and white thinking and even dispel the notion of grey areas, too, because it’s not really black or white or grey, but all colors changing places simultaneously.
whew. careful what you go askin’ for, i just might write another entry.
see those movies, i guess. maybe they won’t be earth shattering to anyone else, but see them, just in case. if nothing else, it’s just a goddamn breath of fresh air that people are using that medium in what seem to be new and meaningful ways. the ideas and lives and actions of these people somehow, electronically, conveyed to me that it was time to abandon the fears i have of doing the things i want to do. and that’s kind of a huge thing, don’t you think?
so now it’s just time to make plans.