How can this be?
I am miffed beyond all measure.
How I got where I am:
I have cirrhosis from hep C, been hospitalized three times. I started treatment with furosemide and potassium. Mixed results. Then I got fluid in my right lung (along with the swelling from my belly down to my feet). Drained twice (yecch! and major pain). Then got to a specialist who started me taking spirolactone, which started taking down the swelling (ascites). At that point, I also had terrible shrinking from the belly up (scared the crap out of me). So I spent the first two months of spirolactone with the swelling subsiding and the upper body regaining mass.
Then came the change.
I got really bitchy, didn't want to eat, went to bed after a salad, which worried my wife. So she got me to crawl to the car (I was grumpy to the max). The next thing I know, I woke with her face coming out of a mist. I had been out for almost 3 days, running on instinct, fighting the doctors but only obeying her commands. Buildup of ammonia in the blood leading to near coma. I'm starved. The nurses messed with me, using my food tray as a carrot. Lord, did I ever get in their faces. Got the heck out of there ASAP.
3rd month on spiro saw my nipples get tender. Oh well, another side effect. Not so bad. 4th month I got buds under my nipples, losing some body hair. Asked both doctors, who shrugged it off. 5th month, which is now, I got real female breasts, small but they are NOT male boobs. Fat is redistributing to a woman's shape, first signs. Skin in places is getting smooth. No hair on legs, almost gone on arms, just some fading chest hair. Nothing coming out of testes but clear fluid, which I have to coax out, it doesn't pump anymore. was never an aggressive type. My mind is changing. I'm being feminized, of this I have no doubt.
This is what drives me bonkers: Where is all this estrogen coming from? The only thing I am taking is the androgen blocker.
How can this be?
Is my personality so female at the core that my brain tells my body what it wants it to be? And the body just says "aye, aye captain, hard to starboard"?
Oh yes, I was aware that I was 'different' from a very early age. I tried to fit in as best I could, to no avail. My tormentors are mostly gone now, drugs and disease got them. In looking back, it would have been so much better had I been born a girl, there being too little fight in me. Either that, or I should have run away as soon as I became a teenager. I have fancied what it would be like, born a girl, but I always supposed that it was just part of the curiosity I have so much of. Maybe everybody does it, dreaming that the grass is greener on the other side. What do I know? Silly me.
I suspect that, should I try to reach out for help, that I will be rejected, ridiculed and tormented again.
Not going down that road. Nope. Not worth it.
The only thing that worries me is shutdown or exhaustion of my adrenal glands, now aged, as they pump out the copious amounts of estrogen. It sure as heck ain't coming from down below.
How I got where I am:
I have cirrhosis from hep C, been hospitalized three times. I started treatment with furosemide and potassium. Mixed results. Then I got fluid in my right lung (along with the swelling from my belly down to my feet). Drained twice (yecch! and major pain). Then got to a specialist who started me taking spirolactone, which started taking down the swelling (ascites). At that point, I also had terrible shrinking from the belly up (scared the crap out of me). So I spent the first two months of spirolactone with the swelling subsiding and the upper body regaining mass.
Then came the change.
I got really bitchy, didn't want to eat, went to bed after a salad, which worried my wife. So she got me to crawl to the car (I was grumpy to the max). The next thing I know, I woke with her face coming out of a mist. I had been out for almost 3 days, running on instinct, fighting the doctors but only obeying her commands. Buildup of ammonia in the blood leading to near coma. I'm starved. The nurses messed with me, using my food tray as a carrot. Lord, did I ever get in their faces. Got the heck out of there ASAP.
3rd month on spiro saw my nipples get tender. Oh well, another side effect. Not so bad. 4th month I got buds under my nipples, losing some body hair. Asked both doctors, who shrugged it off. 5th month, which is now, I got real female breasts, small but they are NOT male boobs. Fat is redistributing to a woman's shape, first signs. Skin in places is getting smooth. No hair on legs, almost gone on arms, just some fading chest hair. Nothing coming out of testes but clear fluid, which I have to coax out, it doesn't pump anymore. was never an aggressive type. My mind is changing. I'm being feminized, of this I have no doubt.
This is what drives me bonkers: Where is all this estrogen coming from? The only thing I am taking is the androgen blocker.
How can this be?
Is my personality so female at the core that my brain tells my body what it wants it to be? And the body just says "aye, aye captain, hard to starboard"?
Oh yes, I was aware that I was 'different' from a very early age. I tried to fit in as best I could, to no avail. My tormentors are mostly gone now, drugs and disease got them. In looking back, it would have been so much better had I been born a girl, there being too little fight in me. Either that, or I should have run away as soon as I became a teenager. I have fancied what it would be like, born a girl, but I always supposed that it was just part of the curiosity I have so much of. Maybe everybody does it, dreaming that the grass is greener on the other side. What do I know? Silly me.
I suspect that, should I try to reach out for help, that I will be rejected, ridiculed and tormented again.
Not going down that road. Nope. Not worth it.
The only thing that worries me is shutdown or exhaustion of my adrenal glands, now aged, as they pump out the copious amounts of estrogen. It sure as heck ain't coming from down below.