FUCK ME! >_
i don't know how he does it. i really don't. maybe it is just coincidence. maybe its just stuck in this pattern... i really don't know, but he always does this. i talk about a crush, well write about in in here, or i start to finally actually like someone and hope something will come of it.. and he reappears in my life. yes, of course i'm talking about chris. this weekend... out of no where he sends me a facebook request from his msu account. i didn't confirm or reject it... but i sent him a message asking why he suddenly wanted to be my friend. "if you don't want to confirm it you don't have to." why does he never answer a question. i sent another back asking why i should confirm it. "i think enough time has passed, i'm ready to be friends again if you are." am i? do i want that? will he disappoint again? is he just playing another game? i told myself he doesn't deserve my friendship, i'm gonna press reject. .... fuck... confirm. why?? i have no pity for myself anymore. i'm seriously a douche bag who sets myself up for my own disappointments. has he messaged or made any attempt to be friends yet? no. will he, of course not. is he now back in my thoughts every free moment my brain is not working on school... yes. am i finding myself now avoiding the person i thought i liked and distancing myself from him for no real reason... yes. i hate being crippled by the fact that chris was my first love... my only love to date. i say i want to be over him.. put him in my past.. find a new love, a better love. but obviously i fucking don't. i am honestly like two different people sharing the same body, the same feelings. one of me loathes chris and wishes i could hurt him for every hurt he's given me. the other me couldn't care less if chris committed murder... its like on a one track mind, one mission.. unwavering love. why can't one of us fully commit when we say we are never going to talk to one another again?? maybe i'm not exactly happy with life like that.. but at least i can fucking live my life then. so what if its not everything i want... i can learn to be content right?