holding out..
I Look down at the ground
when you walk by
you make my heart jump
and i don't know why
you make me go crazy
when you say my name
I feel like you tease me
and we're playing a little game
you act so different
when noone else is around
you do and say things
and my true feelings are found
It's just a little crush
I guess you could say
but i feel so confused,
because nothing's going my way
I can't be with you
and i can't tell you how i feel
how i go crazy
for something that isn't real
you know i like you
but not how i truely feel
i can't tell you the truth
it's my heart you steal.
So i keep playing along
and wait for the day
when this crush is over
and you will take it's place!
so i have a crush. two actually, i think. two very different boys. in fact they could not be anymore different from one another, in personality and looks anyways. they share commonality in the fact that i can't be with either of them though. they are both in the closet... one more than the other. one is a public figure, a familiar face in the crowd. the other is a nobody... to everyone else anyways. i think i like one more than the other. but i think the other likes me more than the one. one is a good friend by day, many mutual friends in our lives. the other i know only by night, when no one else is around. i've shared them both with my best friend jen. one she knows very, very well. she likes him.. she thinks we would be good for eachother. the other she thinks i'm just going to get myself into trouble with. she warns me about letting any feelings grow for him, he's not an option she reminds me. i remind myself that he is the one who calls me every day. messages me online. i'm not trying to form feelings for him... his kindness and interest are forming them for me. things are awkward right now. neither of them equal out to chris, which is hard for me to be okay with. i gave chris my entire heart... and he knew all of the secret passageways. i don't like the feeling of giving myself away again to someone who doesn't measure up to what he was in my eyes. maybe LJ is a bad thing for me. in my personal, hardcopy journal, i didn't talk about chris... this makes my 4th entry since being back to LJ i think.. and i've mentioned his name in 3 of them?? LJ is like a catalyst to the feelings/thoughts/past of things that i try to avoid and not focus on.
i'm lonely. i tell jen and other friends that i'm happy being single right now. but really, i'm lonely. more lonely since jen and ted have started dating. we used to call ourselves the orgy.. we would all three spoon together in bed. spend everynight at one our houses, watching movies, talking. i should have seen it coming. the two of them, straight, around eachother as often as we were.. they were bound to fall for one another.. i probably more than anything else helped the feelings along. now i'm alone again. rachel has sort of taken their place, i mean we spend all of our free time basically together now.. but i still feel a void. where chris left a hole, my two best friends in the world plugged it up. now where they leave a hole, rachel doesn't quite plug it all. at night, i want someone next to me.. to hold me. but its not just the phsyical factor i'm missing. if it was i could have dated nick, i could have dated ben. i'm not satisfied with just the physical or just the emotional side of things. i need the whole deal... i'm holding out for the whole deal. but i feel like i'm alone in my conquest. all around me i see other people content with just meaningless dating. knowing that the person they are with is not the person they see themselves being with forever.. am i weird in that i can not be content with such a relationship. how long does it take for the feelings to go away. its my feelings i still have for chris that hold me captive i think. they don't allow anyone else to measure up to where i hold him. they keep me afraid of getting hurt again by letting someone in. they have opened my eyes to the reality that a physical + emotional combination is out there... if you wait for it.
in the post i wrote earlier today, i talked about when i text messaged chris.. another text i sent said something about wishing we had never known eachother. while i don't directly mean that, and i don't mean it at all in the way i was writing it that night.. i do wonder if things would be different had i not met him. chris is the person who introduced me to a gay relationship, gay love, alcohol, a lot of the music i listen to today, tennis, and a lot of other crap that makes me me today. coincidentally they are also things he now judges and looks down upon me for. what if i didn't know chris? would i still be in the closet, still a virgin, have tried alcohol, so defensive, etc. i know its silly to even talk about such things because the reality is i did meet chris, no matter how much i may or may not have wished it to be so... the fact remains that i know him, and i am still the me i am today. it was just something i was thinking about.
i've proven.. i'm not sure if i was trying to prove myself, chris, or other people.. but i've proven that i don't NEED chris, that i can go without talking to him, about him, i can push him out of my mind.. when i want to. but what if i don't want to? i don't need chris, but it doesn't stop the feeling of wanting him here. i can not talk to him for months just as he does to me... i can not care that he ignores me... but i still want him to care about me, to say hi on his own accord for once, ask how i am doing. before school started, at the end of the summer... he said he was ready and wanted to be friends. i want him to mean it then, to message me for once... to ask how my life is, what is new. i don't want to know about his blue balls, about the guy who just left his place or the one about to come over. if that is how he is going to be my friend... then i can prove again that i don't need him or his friendship. they will just remain things i want, things i miss.
getting off of these tangents, and back to my topic of crushes. i feel guilty having a crush and telling myself i still love chris. but if its how i feel, then can it be wrong? i felt for the longest time that chris still loved me and i was wrong. i don't know how to trust what i feel anymore. oh well, i guess when it all gets boiled down.. it doesn't matter. my crushes have no options but to remain hidden crushes.. not really from the boys they are on, but the rest of the world.. and my love for chris has no option but to remain a selfcontained, lost love. so whether or not i'm still in love with chris, or i grow feelings for one of my crushes... i'll remain alone, at least for now.
.... i'll hold out for now.
when you walk by
you make my heart jump
and i don't know why
you make me go crazy
when you say my name
I feel like you tease me
and we're playing a little game
you act so different
when noone else is around
you do and say things
and my true feelings are found
It's just a little crush
I guess you could say
but i feel so confused,
because nothing's going my way
I can't be with you
and i can't tell you how i feel
how i go crazy
for something that isn't real
you know i like you
but not how i truely feel
i can't tell you the truth
it's my heart you steal.
So i keep playing along
and wait for the day
when this crush is over
and you will take it's place!
so i have a crush. two actually, i think. two very different boys. in fact they could not be anymore different from one another, in personality and looks anyways. they share commonality in the fact that i can't be with either of them though. they are both in the closet... one more than the other. one is a public figure, a familiar face in the crowd. the other is a nobody... to everyone else anyways. i think i like one more than the other. but i think the other likes me more than the one. one is a good friend by day, many mutual friends in our lives. the other i know only by night, when no one else is around. i've shared them both with my best friend jen. one she knows very, very well. she likes him.. she thinks we would be good for eachother. the other she thinks i'm just going to get myself into trouble with. she warns me about letting any feelings grow for him, he's not an option she reminds me. i remind myself that he is the one who calls me every day. messages me online. i'm not trying to form feelings for him... his kindness and interest are forming them for me. things are awkward right now. neither of them equal out to chris, which is hard for me to be okay with. i gave chris my entire heart... and he knew all of the secret passageways. i don't like the feeling of giving myself away again to someone who doesn't measure up to what he was in my eyes. maybe LJ is a bad thing for me. in my personal, hardcopy journal, i didn't talk about chris... this makes my 4th entry since being back to LJ i think.. and i've mentioned his name in 3 of them?? LJ is like a catalyst to the feelings/thoughts/past of things that i try to avoid and not focus on.
i'm lonely. i tell jen and other friends that i'm happy being single right now. but really, i'm lonely. more lonely since jen and ted have started dating. we used to call ourselves the orgy.. we would all three spoon together in bed. spend everynight at one our houses, watching movies, talking. i should have seen it coming. the two of them, straight, around eachother as often as we were.. they were bound to fall for one another.. i probably more than anything else helped the feelings along. now i'm alone again. rachel has sort of taken their place, i mean we spend all of our free time basically together now.. but i still feel a void. where chris left a hole, my two best friends in the world plugged it up. now where they leave a hole, rachel doesn't quite plug it all. at night, i want someone next to me.. to hold me. but its not just the phsyical factor i'm missing. if it was i could have dated nick, i could have dated ben. i'm not satisfied with just the physical or just the emotional side of things. i need the whole deal... i'm holding out for the whole deal. but i feel like i'm alone in my conquest. all around me i see other people content with just meaningless dating. knowing that the person they are with is not the person they see themselves being with forever.. am i weird in that i can not be content with such a relationship. how long does it take for the feelings to go away. its my feelings i still have for chris that hold me captive i think. they don't allow anyone else to measure up to where i hold him. they keep me afraid of getting hurt again by letting someone in. they have opened my eyes to the reality that a physical + emotional combination is out there... if you wait for it.
in the post i wrote earlier today, i talked about when i text messaged chris.. another text i sent said something about wishing we had never known eachother. while i don't directly mean that, and i don't mean it at all in the way i was writing it that night.. i do wonder if things would be different had i not met him. chris is the person who introduced me to a gay relationship, gay love, alcohol, a lot of the music i listen to today, tennis, and a lot of other crap that makes me me today. coincidentally they are also things he now judges and looks down upon me for. what if i didn't know chris? would i still be in the closet, still a virgin, have tried alcohol, so defensive, etc. i know its silly to even talk about such things because the reality is i did meet chris, no matter how much i may or may not have wished it to be so... the fact remains that i know him, and i am still the me i am today. it was just something i was thinking about.
i've proven.. i'm not sure if i was trying to prove myself, chris, or other people.. but i've proven that i don't NEED chris, that i can go without talking to him, about him, i can push him out of my mind.. when i want to. but what if i don't want to? i don't need chris, but it doesn't stop the feeling of wanting him here. i can not talk to him for months just as he does to me... i can not care that he ignores me... but i still want him to care about me, to say hi on his own accord for once, ask how i am doing. before school started, at the end of the summer... he said he was ready and wanted to be friends. i want him to mean it then, to message me for once... to ask how my life is, what is new. i don't want to know about his blue balls, about the guy who just left his place or the one about to come over. if that is how he is going to be my friend... then i can prove again that i don't need him or his friendship. they will just remain things i want, things i miss.
getting off of these tangents, and back to my topic of crushes. i feel guilty having a crush and telling myself i still love chris. but if its how i feel, then can it be wrong? i felt for the longest time that chris still loved me and i was wrong. i don't know how to trust what i feel anymore. oh well, i guess when it all gets boiled down.. it doesn't matter. my crushes have no options but to remain hidden crushes.. not really from the boys they are on, but the rest of the world.. and my love for chris has no option but to remain a selfcontained, lost love. so whether or not i'm still in love with chris, or i grow feelings for one of my crushes... i'll remain alone, at least for now.
.... i'll hold out for now.