Hello Again
Here's an excerpt from my first livejournal post from 8.21.2002 {hard to believe it's only been a little over three years}
"...So here I am. Divorce is going through ... we've been living separated ... splitting our finances ... and I'm trying to find what it's going to take to make me happy again. Like I said ... I wish I started this a few weeks ago ... because I was truly in a desparate state of mind ... and I wished I would have gathered what I was feeling. That way I'd have something to return to to make sure I'd never go through it again."
As many of you know, I did go through it again. And again, and again. I'm not sure how many times, really. Looking back though, this wasn't the beginning. It was an unfortunate fork in the road that I really think hurt a lot of people, but certainly not where the journey began. I simply had something physical to divert my attention to and point my finger at. It was this other human, and *their* actions, that had hurt me.
A lot has changed since then. And now I know, that just wasn't the case. What happened was fucked up, but not the cause of the pain that was to come. That was all me. Well, mostly me anyway.
I am starting to think that we are born, not one, but many people. And we have times in our life where there just isn't enough room any more for one or more of those entities. I think these last several years I have faced such a battle. And I just did not want to let go. I wanted to be both people, but ultimately could not. There is peace now without the constant struggle, but a small degree of sadness for what was lost.
I once heard that people in their 20's were really nothing more than something pretty to look at. They had no real value to society or community because really, what could they know? I think I understand that statement now. I tried to argue it, mostly internally, by proving my worth as an employee, student, father, husband, etc. I found that none of it really did the trick. Your twenties seem to be the time in your life where you are meant to find yourself, to define who you are. I think we would benefit greatly as a society if we actually taught that to our children. Let them get out in the world and define who they are and what they have to offer. Let them fuck up. Let them learn.
I could be way off. Perhaps this only applies to me. What do I know? I'm only saying.
So I look back at who I have been in the last few years. I do not regret it. It would have been nice to have learned some of this without some of the actions, but that's life. And I'm not looking forward to when I have to watch my son go through the same trials. At least I hope I will be able to understand what he goes through. And I will be there to guide him. That is all a father can really hope for in this life. To make sure you do everything in your power to give them all the proper tools to help them define their own paths.
I hope that who I am today will remain who I will be in the next 10 years as I go through this life. I have purpose in my life. I also have someone to share that life with. {This fact has helped me become what I am today, but is not the sole reason.}
I also want to send another thank you to my friends. I have lost many in the last few years, but to those that are still with me, you are truly great people. I hope that I can return the favor.
"...So here I am. Divorce is going through ... we've been living separated ... splitting our finances ... and I'm trying to find what it's going to take to make me happy again. Like I said ... I wish I started this a few weeks ago ... because I was truly in a desparate state of mind ... and I wished I would have gathered what I was feeling. That way I'd have something to return to to make sure I'd never go through it again."
As many of you know, I did go through it again. And again, and again. I'm not sure how many times, really. Looking back though, this wasn't the beginning. It was an unfortunate fork in the road that I really think hurt a lot of people, but certainly not where the journey began. I simply had something physical to divert my attention to and point my finger at. It was this other human, and *their* actions, that had hurt me.
A lot has changed since then. And now I know, that just wasn't the case. What happened was fucked up, but not the cause of the pain that was to come. That was all me. Well, mostly me anyway.
I am starting to think that we are born, not one, but many people. And we have times in our life where there just isn't enough room any more for one or more of those entities. I think these last several years I have faced such a battle. And I just did not want to let go. I wanted to be both people, but ultimately could not. There is peace now without the constant struggle, but a small degree of sadness for what was lost.
I once heard that people in their 20's were really nothing more than something pretty to look at. They had no real value to society or community because really, what could they know? I think I understand that statement now. I tried to argue it, mostly internally, by proving my worth as an employee, student, father, husband, etc. I found that none of it really did the trick. Your twenties seem to be the time in your life where you are meant to find yourself, to define who you are. I think we would benefit greatly as a society if we actually taught that to our children. Let them get out in the world and define who they are and what they have to offer. Let them fuck up. Let them learn.
I could be way off. Perhaps this only applies to me. What do I know? I'm only saying.
So I look back at who I have been in the last few years. I do not regret it. It would have been nice to have learned some of this without some of the actions, but that's life. And I'm not looking forward to when I have to watch my son go through the same trials. At least I hope I will be able to understand what he goes through. And I will be there to guide him. That is all a father can really hope for in this life. To make sure you do everything in your power to give them all the proper tools to help them define their own paths.
I hope that who I am today will remain who I will be in the next 10 years as I go through this life. I have purpose in my life. I also have someone to share that life with. {This fact has helped me become what I am today, but is not the sole reason.}
I also want to send another thank you to my friends. I have lost many in the last few years, but to those that are still with me, you are truly great people. I hope that I can return the favor.