(no subject)
i'm going absolutly insane right now! i have no idea whats wrong with me. like UGH i just want to fucking let everything out but like theres no one. i care way too much about what people think about me like...ok i'm going to try somthing. i'm going to blurt things out...whatever i need to say.
1) Matt i'm sorry. i really am, the second i was finished talking to you i felt really bad about myself...i was waaay too loose with my words and i bet you half of them came out wrong. And i'm sorry for all of the things i don't tell you. For everything i keep from you...all of the grudges and all of the things that you just can't know about me and just about everything. I'm sorry that we're not good friends, becasue you know, we could be good friends...but i'm crazy. I really am, and i'm sorry for that.
2) Gooe i really love you. like a lot. i can't express how much i fucking love you and how much you make me feel better. you really don't realize it but just everything you do makes me feel accepted...everytime you hug me or say hi to me or everytime you just talk to me about theater or dance or just anything like school...and the fact that you ask me what is wrong. and you care enough to try to help me through and listen to me. about my rediculous things that i get upset about. i don't know why i get so upset but i do and you understand that and you're always there to tell me that its ok and that I am ok. And just remember that everytime you feel alone, just know that i am probably thinking of you at that moment.
3) Mircea...i'm sorry i'm letting you down. I'm sorry that im not mentally strong enough for gymnastics right now. I'm sorry that you put soo much into coaching us and i can't give you anything back. I'm sorry that i'm not improving becasue i knw it must be frustrating...its frustrating to me too. I don't know why i cn't do anything. i just want to be good. i really do, but whenever i try i always hurt myself or i just don't work hard enough. i never work hard engouh. i try to work hard but it never pays off and i don't nkow why cuz i'm trying sooo hard. And i'm sorry that i miss practice to take a break. i miss your crazy moods...i miss how much of a bitch you can be but two seconds later be the sweetest person i know. who is so caring. don't sypmathize for me...please don't becasue i don't deserve it. i know you don't think about this like i do...but the only thing i want to do right now is make you proud. i want you to be proud of me. i want you to be able to say "yeah she is a hard worker" or "i taught her how to do that" or "this is my best gymnast"...but i'm sorry you can't. you seriously have the biggest impact on me than anyother coach has ever effected me. i have no idea why...maybe its becasue you're not just my coach but my friend too. and you are the most interessting person i know, and i just want to be remembered when i go off to college.
4) Brittany (Fritz) i'm sorry we're not best friends anymore. i mean, like we are...becasue we will always have that bond and we will always love eachother so much...but we're drifting and we both know that. i just wish that i could have said this to you to your face...but i am so in the heat of the moment right now tht i just want to let this out. i somtimes feel resentment towards you only becasue i am angry that we are not close anymore. and i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry that i haven't been completly honest with you. and i'm sorry i haven't tried harder to be close with you...but for some reason it just seems so hard. and i have no idea why its so hard, but i just wish i could let these feelings go becuase i love you so much and you don't deserve this. you really don't, you deserve the best from me and from everyeone else in that fact. i'm sorry.
5) and Lillian. I'm sorry that i am so unhappy when all i ever do is just try to be happy and to take advantage of this life i am given. Its so wonderful, everything about it...i have the friends the family and just people who love me, but for some reason i just can't embrace it somtimes and its hard. and all of this stress thats brought upon me only gets built up over time and somthing like this happens. ranting on live journal. this is just low. i didn't ever think that i would feel this desperate to let the whole world know how i feel...it just seems right now, even though i will probably regret this tomorrow morning. and i hate feeling fucking sorry for myself, and i try not to...but i just take everything out on myself, becasue i can. becasue i'm so easy. i'm sorry that i am so self concious, and i'm sorry that for some reason i can't keep food off of my mind, or how many calories i'm taking in, or how much i weigh, when i know that i'm fine. that i'm perfectly fine, and i don't need to prove it to anyone even myself...but somthing just takes over my mind and just constanly repeat all these lies. its all bullshit. but for some reason i can't help it. I just feel like my mind is on repeat. Like everything i think, every negative thought just keeps playing and playing until it drives me insane. crazy. i go crazy somtimes becasue i can't get him out of my head. why the hell can't i get him out of my head. Everything i ever do never works, i try so hard, but everything just replays. I am so afraid. of what people might think. like right now, i'm terrified of all of the judging. becasue we all know that right at this second as you read this, you are judging me. please tell me. tell me what you think.
1) Matt i'm sorry. i really am, the second i was finished talking to you i felt really bad about myself...i was waaay too loose with my words and i bet you half of them came out wrong. And i'm sorry for all of the things i don't tell you. For everything i keep from you...all of the grudges and all of the things that you just can't know about me and just about everything. I'm sorry that we're not good friends, becasue you know, we could be good friends...but i'm crazy. I really am, and i'm sorry for that.
2) Gooe i really love you. like a lot. i can't express how much i fucking love you and how much you make me feel better. you really don't realize it but just everything you do makes me feel accepted...everytime you hug me or say hi to me or everytime you just talk to me about theater or dance or just anything like school...and the fact that you ask me what is wrong. and you care enough to try to help me through and listen to me. about my rediculous things that i get upset about. i don't know why i get so upset but i do and you understand that and you're always there to tell me that its ok and that I am ok. And just remember that everytime you feel alone, just know that i am probably thinking of you at that moment.
3) Mircea...i'm sorry i'm letting you down. I'm sorry that im not mentally strong enough for gymnastics right now. I'm sorry that you put soo much into coaching us and i can't give you anything back. I'm sorry that i'm not improving becasue i knw it must be frustrating...its frustrating to me too. I don't know why i cn't do anything. i just want to be good. i really do, but whenever i try i always hurt myself or i just don't work hard enough. i never work hard engouh. i try to work hard but it never pays off and i don't nkow why cuz i'm trying sooo hard. And i'm sorry that i miss practice to take a break. i miss your crazy moods...i miss how much of a bitch you can be but two seconds later be the sweetest person i know. who is so caring. don't sypmathize for me...please don't becasue i don't deserve it. i know you don't think about this like i do...but the only thing i want to do right now is make you proud. i want you to be proud of me. i want you to be able to say "yeah she is a hard worker" or "i taught her how to do that" or "this is my best gymnast"...but i'm sorry you can't. you seriously have the biggest impact on me than anyother coach has ever effected me. i have no idea why...maybe its becasue you're not just my coach but my friend too. and you are the most interessting person i know, and i just want to be remembered when i go off to college.
4) Brittany (Fritz) i'm sorry we're not best friends anymore. i mean, like we are...becasue we will always have that bond and we will always love eachother so much...but we're drifting and we both know that. i just wish that i could have said this to you to your face...but i am so in the heat of the moment right now tht i just want to let this out. i somtimes feel resentment towards you only becasue i am angry that we are not close anymore. and i'm sorry for that. i'm sorry that i haven't been completly honest with you. and i'm sorry i haven't tried harder to be close with you...but for some reason it just seems so hard. and i have no idea why its so hard, but i just wish i could let these feelings go becuase i love you so much and you don't deserve this. you really don't, you deserve the best from me and from everyeone else in that fact. i'm sorry.
5) and Lillian. I'm sorry that i am so unhappy when all i ever do is just try to be happy and to take advantage of this life i am given. Its so wonderful, everything about it...i have the friends the family and just people who love me, but for some reason i just can't embrace it somtimes and its hard. and all of this stress thats brought upon me only gets built up over time and somthing like this happens. ranting on live journal. this is just low. i didn't ever think that i would feel this desperate to let the whole world know how i feel...it just seems right now, even though i will probably regret this tomorrow morning. and i hate feeling fucking sorry for myself, and i try not to...but i just take everything out on myself, becasue i can. becasue i'm so easy. i'm sorry that i am so self concious, and i'm sorry that for some reason i can't keep food off of my mind, or how many calories i'm taking in, or how much i weigh, when i know that i'm fine. that i'm perfectly fine, and i don't need to prove it to anyone even myself...but somthing just takes over my mind and just constanly repeat all these lies. its all bullshit. but for some reason i can't help it. I just feel like my mind is on repeat. Like everything i think, every negative thought just keeps playing and playing until it drives me insane. crazy. i go crazy somtimes becasue i can't get him out of my head. why the hell can't i get him out of my head. Everything i ever do never works, i try so hard, but everything just replays. I am so afraid. of what people might think. like right now, i'm terrified of all of the judging. becasue we all know that right at this second as you read this, you are judging me. please tell me. tell me what you think.