feminist blogs, sustainable loving, and equal partnerships
I'm tired of reading articles about women and beauty standards. I know, I know, this is just sort of perpetuating that awful cycle of commentary and re-post, but I think it's worth it to have a few more shots at how I really feel about this.
Recently on Jezebel there have been a lot of articles about the media finding the perfect woman (face-wise) and also a study on how women despise swimsuit shopping. While I find it helpful to take note of these things, critique them, and analyze how the media makes all of us feel shit about ourselves for the most part, I also think it's important to think about how we SHOULD feel and also what we SHOULD expect in ourselves and from others.
The comments section of these articles make me want to be ill. Well intentioned feminists are using one another as a backboard to talk about how crap they feel about themselves, people have even gone so far as to say "how do I keep up a workout schedule so I can feel better about myself?".
I'm biased. And I'm willing to admit it. I've spent most of my life being a pretty average weight, I spent my teenage years coming to grips with my identity and body. That understanding and love is significantly threatened by, yes, the media, but also by the men and women around me.
I realized early on that being on the soccer team and running sprints everyday after school for hours didn't make me feel any better about myself. Quite simply, my physical appearance did not inherently impact my self confidence. How I felt about myself was how I thought about myself. And I could think just as many shitty thoughts about myself on a soccer field as I could reading a book on a couch.
Learning a new workout routine, being aware of the best ways to use makeup, or going on a "self cleansing" diet are ways of attempting to cure symptoms of a much larger problem: we don't like ourselves.
Sure. Sometimes people are healthier for these things, and I'm not downing that. Sometimes people feel like new people when they look in the mirror. That's wonderful. But I'm unsure if it is sustainable. Eating healthy is important (moderation on both sides of this one), and exercise is important (ditto on moderation on both sides), but most importantly we have to cultivate our perceptions of ourselves. How do we see ourselves and how can we change the negative patterns we find ourselves in?
This is hard, everyday work, and it's the work all of us should be doing. We deserve to be treated well, by others and ourselves.
Which leads me to my next point: who do we deserve?
So much of the feminist dialogue circles around being "independent and confident" or being "dominant and sexually-free". I honestly find these ideas limiting, shocking as my stance might be.
Yes, of course I want to be able to be myself. That is first and foremost. But I want to be able to be all of myself with a partner. That includes confidence and insecurity, independence and need for support. This includes the days when I'm ready to take on the world by storm and the other times when I need a belly rub and a cup of tea. Real women are real people. They're not archetypical housewives and they're not steel islands unto themselves.
I'm tired of a feminist dialogue that tells me that I should want at most to be respected by a partner. That is not at most, that is BARE MINIMUM. I'm looking for far more than that, for a partner that can actually support me and champion me on all courts. And I hope they expect the same from me. I'm looking for an equal partnership, that's what third wave feminism is about, and that's what we should all be looking for. That's what we all deserve. And if that doesn't happen? It's all right, because the important part of this post, the sustainably caring about yourself in real ways should be happening regardless of partner.
So fuck this shit, I'm in it for the real.
Recently on Jezebel there have been a lot of articles about the media finding the perfect woman (face-wise) and also a study on how women despise swimsuit shopping. While I find it helpful to take note of these things, critique them, and analyze how the media makes all of us feel shit about ourselves for the most part, I also think it's important to think about how we SHOULD feel and also what we SHOULD expect in ourselves and from others.
The comments section of these articles make me want to be ill. Well intentioned feminists are using one another as a backboard to talk about how crap they feel about themselves, people have even gone so far as to say "how do I keep up a workout schedule so I can feel better about myself?".
I'm biased. And I'm willing to admit it. I've spent most of my life being a pretty average weight, I spent my teenage years coming to grips with my identity and body. That understanding and love is significantly threatened by, yes, the media, but also by the men and women around me.
I realized early on that being on the soccer team and running sprints everyday after school for hours didn't make me feel any better about myself. Quite simply, my physical appearance did not inherently impact my self confidence. How I felt about myself was how I thought about myself. And I could think just as many shitty thoughts about myself on a soccer field as I could reading a book on a couch.
Learning a new workout routine, being aware of the best ways to use makeup, or going on a "self cleansing" diet are ways of attempting to cure symptoms of a much larger problem: we don't like ourselves.
Sure. Sometimes people are healthier for these things, and I'm not downing that. Sometimes people feel like new people when they look in the mirror. That's wonderful. But I'm unsure if it is sustainable. Eating healthy is important (moderation on both sides of this one), and exercise is important (ditto on moderation on both sides), but most importantly we have to cultivate our perceptions of ourselves. How do we see ourselves and how can we change the negative patterns we find ourselves in?
This is hard, everyday work, and it's the work all of us should be doing. We deserve to be treated well, by others and ourselves.
Which leads me to my next point: who do we deserve?
So much of the feminist dialogue circles around being "independent and confident" or being "dominant and sexually-free". I honestly find these ideas limiting, shocking as my stance might be.
Yes, of course I want to be able to be myself. That is first and foremost. But I want to be able to be all of myself with a partner. That includes confidence and insecurity, independence and need for support. This includes the days when I'm ready to take on the world by storm and the other times when I need a belly rub and a cup of tea. Real women are real people. They're not archetypical housewives and they're not steel islands unto themselves.
I'm tired of a feminist dialogue that tells me that I should want at most to be respected by a partner. That is not at most, that is BARE MINIMUM. I'm looking for far more than that, for a partner that can actually support me and champion me on all courts. And I hope they expect the same from me. I'm looking for an equal partnership, that's what third wave feminism is about, and that's what we should all be looking for. That's what we all deserve. And if that doesn't happen? It's all right, because the important part of this post, the sustainably caring about yourself in real ways should be happening regardless of partner.
So fuck this shit, I'm in it for the real.