In answer to the commonly asked question "are you happy?"
If you are human and breathing you probably wonder either formally or informally nearly everyday "am I happy?". We assess ourselves; we change jobs, lovers, hobbies, friends, toothpastes, in an effort to become happier. This happiness is dependent on expectations:
the expectations of our family and friends, the expectations of society/the media, and our expectations of ourselves.
Family Expectations and Happiness
Regardless of the context we grow up in, we create a schema for happiness and unhappiness. Throughout our lives we are consistently constructing our conception of happiness informed by the world around us. As children, we inevitably notice what made adults around us happy and unhappy; although we have natural emotional responses to things that happen around us, how much of this response is based on modeling? I see my father swear at himself when he gets a parking ticket, and I realize, as a child, that this is an unhappy occurrence. This is something small, and obviously distressing. When I get a parking ticket now, as an adult, I, too, am unhappy (logically, because I have to pay money and see no direct benefit or return).
Now make this concept bigger. Growing up, we might have generalized larger phenomenon that made us judge this dichotomy between happy/unhappy. The adults around us make decisions based on their level of happiness (as well as their social and cultural capital that gives them the ability to make these decisions), and children interpret these acts and how adults respond. See: divorce, separation, addiction, consistent fighting, marriage, having children, moving, career-change, etc. Thus, depending on family dynamic and family choices, children have create ideas of things that have made their parents happy or unhappy, and will either choose or avoid these things based on their interpretation. This is an extremely subjective view of happiness.
Here is a personal anecdote, that might clarify this idea. Although my parents are married, and are wonderful people, they have consistently been at odds for most of my formative years. I see that my parents don't communicate as effectively as they have or could, and that their values have changed in ways that create friction. I see this as an unhappy thing, so not only am I very skeptical and cautious about marriage, I also feel the need to communicate as much as possible with not only my partner, but also my very close friends. The people I hold in high regard I am consistently in discussion with, and this is incredibly important to me, because I see the alternative as an unhappy one.
However, on a more positive note. My father has a very unique personality and consistently tells stories about awkward things that happen around him, he attempts to connect with others through emotion and humor. I not only see this as a consistently affirming structuring of identity, but I also see that he derives a sense of self and a certain happiness from doing it. My mother manages to relentlessly chase after, and accomplish, incredible goals without having to sacrifice other parts of her life. She is uncompromisingly herself: a successful, determined and headstrong woman. Both my parents still have these characteristics and they seem to make them have a purpose and a happiness. I incorporate both of these things into my identity and schema of happiness.
Societal Expectations and Happiness
I am interested not only in the way that our parents levels and choices and depictions of happiness have informed our construction of it, but also how society's definition and standardization of happiness has impacted us. We are told how to be happy and what will make us happy from advertisements, popular media, and an assumed societal opinion.
Advertisements tells us that products will make us happy, and we live with this idea as part of our construction of happiness. If I buy a new pair of jeans, I can't help but be a little happier the first five times I wear them. I am unsure if that happiness is completely my own, or a feeling of accomplishing something I am "supposed to" accomplish, by fulfilling a main American assumption of happiness: consumption is happiness. To consume things, specifically in terms of buying things, is a major part of every Americans happiness schema. To deny it is wishful thinking (or a hopeful thought after getting a liberal arts degree).
Popular media tells us what kind of relationships, careers and families we must have to be happy. This is a fact, plain and simple, and it is way too complex for me to delve into in a concrete way. I'm going to unpack this later, but I think it's important to think about. How much can we exist in friction with popular medias traditional depiction of happiness and still be happy?
Assumed societal opinion is what "they" think. Given the choice between being a successful lawyer and a successful city worker, what would the average person choose? How much of that is dependent on a need for approval and social capital? How much does happiness depend on societal approval?
Our Expectations
Sure. We all have expectations for where we will be, who we will be with, what we will be doing. These are basic. We can't help ourselves. Stereotypically we all want to be wealthy, with a few kids, a hetero-normative marriage, a career that pays us well, friends that are likely in our demographic. This accepted version of happiness is not static, and is, in fact, changing as we speak. Most educated people are problematizing this; keep in mind, "educated" in this sense is not exclusively school educated, but also educated by experiential means. By this definition of "educated" the majority of Americans are problematizing this stereotype of happiness. That is important.
But we have our own individual happiness expectations. For instance, when I was in High School I believed that once I graduated I would not come back to live in Chicago. Sure, I would visit, I would be involved with my family, but I was not returning to stay. I have no lived in Chicago for a year plus. The assumption I made when I was 17, is one that, however I try to fight it, impacts my happiness today. I know that an expectation for happiness that I had of myself, however changed it is now, and however biased it was then, hasn't happened. Although this does not impact me specifically or moment-to-moment, it impacts the schema of happiness I have in my mind for living in Chicago and for my life now. Many twenty year old people are hung up on the "place" of happiness, and believe that if they move they will somehow find their true "home" or the place they are "supposed to be". I wonder if this is a universal schema assumed for this age. I don't know. I do know that this individual schema is produced both by our own expectations, like the one created by me in high school, or by external motivators.
Mutually Affirming: Outside and Inside Expectations
Expectations from outside and expectations from inside exist in a symbiotic relationship-- that is they are mutually affirming. For instance, our families might expect more from us, so we internalize that and expect more from ourselves. We tell people around us that something specific will make us happy, and they check up on us in regard to that goal.
I don't know everything there is to know about this subject, obviously, but I definitely think that there's a lot more to happiness than can be summed up in "how are you?". I know that happiness isn't a goal, but something we construct, and I think it needs to delved into.
This is a start.
the expectations of our family and friends, the expectations of society/the media, and our expectations of ourselves.
Family Expectations and Happiness
Regardless of the context we grow up in, we create a schema for happiness and unhappiness. Throughout our lives we are consistently constructing our conception of happiness informed by the world around us. As children, we inevitably notice what made adults around us happy and unhappy; although we have natural emotional responses to things that happen around us, how much of this response is based on modeling? I see my father swear at himself when he gets a parking ticket, and I realize, as a child, that this is an unhappy occurrence. This is something small, and obviously distressing. When I get a parking ticket now, as an adult, I, too, am unhappy (logically, because I have to pay money and see no direct benefit or return).
Now make this concept bigger. Growing up, we might have generalized larger phenomenon that made us judge this dichotomy between happy/unhappy. The adults around us make decisions based on their level of happiness (as well as their social and cultural capital that gives them the ability to make these decisions), and children interpret these acts and how adults respond. See: divorce, separation, addiction, consistent fighting, marriage, having children, moving, career-change, etc. Thus, depending on family dynamic and family choices, children have create ideas of things that have made their parents happy or unhappy, and will either choose or avoid these things based on their interpretation. This is an extremely subjective view of happiness.
Here is a personal anecdote, that might clarify this idea. Although my parents are married, and are wonderful people, they have consistently been at odds for most of my formative years. I see that my parents don't communicate as effectively as they have or could, and that their values have changed in ways that create friction. I see this as an unhappy thing, so not only am I very skeptical and cautious about marriage, I also feel the need to communicate as much as possible with not only my partner, but also my very close friends. The people I hold in high regard I am consistently in discussion with, and this is incredibly important to me, because I see the alternative as an unhappy one.
However, on a more positive note. My father has a very unique personality and consistently tells stories about awkward things that happen around him, he attempts to connect with others through emotion and humor. I not only see this as a consistently affirming structuring of identity, but I also see that he derives a sense of self and a certain happiness from doing it. My mother manages to relentlessly chase after, and accomplish, incredible goals without having to sacrifice other parts of her life. She is uncompromisingly herself: a successful, determined and headstrong woman. Both my parents still have these characteristics and they seem to make them have a purpose and a happiness. I incorporate both of these things into my identity and schema of happiness.
Societal Expectations and Happiness
I am interested not only in the way that our parents levels and choices and depictions of happiness have informed our construction of it, but also how society's definition and standardization of happiness has impacted us. We are told how to be happy and what will make us happy from advertisements, popular media, and an assumed societal opinion.
Advertisements tells us that products will make us happy, and we live with this idea as part of our construction of happiness. If I buy a new pair of jeans, I can't help but be a little happier the first five times I wear them. I am unsure if that happiness is completely my own, or a feeling of accomplishing something I am "supposed to" accomplish, by fulfilling a main American assumption of happiness: consumption is happiness. To consume things, specifically in terms of buying things, is a major part of every Americans happiness schema. To deny it is wishful thinking (or a hopeful thought after getting a liberal arts degree).
Popular media tells us what kind of relationships, careers and families we must have to be happy. This is a fact, plain and simple, and it is way too complex for me to delve into in a concrete way. I'm going to unpack this later, but I think it's important to think about. How much can we exist in friction with popular medias traditional depiction of happiness and still be happy?
Assumed societal opinion is what "they" think. Given the choice between being a successful lawyer and a successful city worker, what would the average person choose? How much of that is dependent on a need for approval and social capital? How much does happiness depend on societal approval?
Our Expectations
Sure. We all have expectations for where we will be, who we will be with, what we will be doing. These are basic. We can't help ourselves. Stereotypically we all want to be wealthy, with a few kids, a hetero-normative marriage, a career that pays us well, friends that are likely in our demographic. This accepted version of happiness is not static, and is, in fact, changing as we speak. Most educated people are problematizing this; keep in mind, "educated" in this sense is not exclusively school educated, but also educated by experiential means. By this definition of "educated" the majority of Americans are problematizing this stereotype of happiness. That is important.
But we have our own individual happiness expectations. For instance, when I was in High School I believed that once I graduated I would not come back to live in Chicago. Sure, I would visit, I would be involved with my family, but I was not returning to stay. I have no lived in Chicago for a year plus. The assumption I made when I was 17, is one that, however I try to fight it, impacts my happiness today. I know that an expectation for happiness that I had of myself, however changed it is now, and however biased it was then, hasn't happened. Although this does not impact me specifically or moment-to-moment, it impacts the schema of happiness I have in my mind for living in Chicago and for my life now. Many twenty year old people are hung up on the "place" of happiness, and believe that if they move they will somehow find their true "home" or the place they are "supposed to be". I wonder if this is a universal schema assumed for this age. I don't know. I do know that this individual schema is produced both by our own expectations, like the one created by me in high school, or by external motivators.
Mutually Affirming: Outside and Inside Expectations
Expectations from outside and expectations from inside exist in a symbiotic relationship-- that is they are mutually affirming. For instance, our families might expect more from us, so we internalize that and expect more from ourselves. We tell people around us that something specific will make us happy, and they check up on us in regard to that goal.
I don't know everything there is to know about this subject, obviously, but I definitely think that there's a lot more to happiness than can be summed up in "how are you?". I know that happiness isn't a goal, but something we construct, and I think it needs to delved into.
This is a start.