Final letter to Mark
Yup. In case anyone hasn't heard yet, me and Mark are officially over forever and ever, never again, BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN end of disscusion! After I finish with this I've got to find Debbie and get her to give me a ride up to Linda's to grab the rest of my stuff, then take it all over to Debbie's to wash it all so it doesn't smell like that house, especially one of the people who was staying there. Well, here's the letter that I'll be handing to him before I head out the door:
Written: Saturday, July 23, 2005 @11:20pm
Dear Mark,
I don't even know what to say to you. But I do need to say something. Because you said a lot of things to me. You came to me and literally begged me for one last chance. You told me I was the one. That you were done with games and you wanted to really truely settle down with me. You told me you wanted to marry me. You told me that you were with me the longest you have ever been with anyone. You told me that you fell in love with me faster and far more deeply than you ever had with anyone else. You wanted me to have your babies. You told me all this and it was something that I really did want to believe more than anything. Because I love you so much. And I really did want all of those things. Dreamed of these things. I would have given anything in the world up to spend one minute with you. You told me about how you were planning to stay at Linda's until you got the car you were expecting and when that happend you were in on that job with her grandfather and that first check would go all towards OUR apartment. We struck a deal to do anything that we could to get through this. You gave me your WORD that nothing would fuck us up.
But you know what they say. A man is only as good as his word. And your word is SHIT. You built me up so high and I let my heart take a chance in you. And in your word. Because I didn't want to believe that I fell in love with the wrong man. Or should I say BOY.
You told me that you wanted to come move in with me. That you missed me as much as I did you. I would always make sure that I was in my room at a decent hour just in case you showed up. And a few times you did. Especially recently. Keeping my hopes up even more.
And then earlier today Nick tells me that you were with Andrea last night. I go to confront you about it and you convince me otherwise. But then you didn't care when I told you how badly I needed you back for good. You didn't care what I told you Devon did. But you told me you'd come talk to me in a bit. And told me you loved me.
I felt a little better after that until I saw Jasmine and she told me more. That you had been actually dating her for the past two days. All over her in front of everyone. Telling her that you had given up on me. GIVEN UP?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, MARK?! What was there to give up on?! All the FUCK you had to do was come move in with me and say the word that we're back together!! I was doing all I could to fucking hold onto you! I got my job back and into the B. Rooms to be off the streets and try to save for us. To stay close to you. Left you notes on my doorto tell you where I'd be hoping that you'd find me if you looked. Tried to help you in any way I knew how. Been faithful to you.
I saw you on your bike while I was talking to Jasmine and before she said anything you said "What that I'm going out with Andrea? I thought you knew that." Like it was no big deal. That is was old news. Like I wouldn't care.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Do you have any idea how much you fucking killed me?! You fucking said you were done with all the games and all the bullshit, well guess what. I AM DONE WITH ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR SORRY UNGRATEFUL GOOD FOR NOTHING ASS! I NEVER ever want to see you or anything having to do with you ever again! I hope you fucking rot in HELL! I never knew you could hate someone this much. It has to be because I love you. And you smashed my heart and my whole being worse and more violently than you or anyone else has even thought of doing before.
And you don't even care. You showed that. Everything. Everything you ever told me was a lie. WASN'T IT?! I didn't want to believe it. But it's true. Do you know what that means, Mark? The TRUTH? You know like the things that I say to you? Real? Not fake? Not decieving? The opposite of lying? See how that works?
You don't want to settle down do you? You never will. You are NOT CAPABLE of it. You are not capable of being with ONE person and ONLY one person. You think you're going to do it with Andrea? No way. Because you are a whore. You are a slut. You fuck with people and fuck with people until there is nothing left to fuck with. Let me tell you something. You made a huge mistake this time. If you ever really did want that with someone. Well guess what. I won't be there to crawl back to.
I thought I saw something in you. But it must have been my immagination. Someday, Mark. Someday someone will do what you did to me to you. Someday. If you ever do start trying with someone they're going to do the same to you. And you'll feel what I feel. You deserve to.
The necklace that you SCRATCH THAT I bought? IT'S IN THE OCEAN. Made sure it was deep enough and put a heavy keychain on it so it would sink fast and hard like I did. And so NO ONE would EVER find it. The sweatshirt I'm keeping until I'm good and ready. I haven't decided if I want to sell it... you don't deserve it back. You seem to care about that. A possesion. Maybe if you lose it you'll realize something. But you do still have almost all of my clothes and things up at Linda's... maybe I'll just hold it ransom. No fuck it, I'll most likely have my stuff before you read this anyways. You are going to have to do something big to get it back. If you really care about it. But it's a POSSESION. One thing you do care about. Like I was your possesion. THAT'S how you thought of me, wasn't it?
Not anymore, and never again. That was your last chance so don't even think about it. AFTER I get a response letter or whatever to this, don't call me, write me, talk to me, or come near me ever again. I'm not yours anymore so don't even try getting pissed at anyone I hang out with. You can't control me anymore. Write back to this and that's it. Like we agreed before. If I can't have you then I can't know that you are alive because it hurts too much.
I will always be in love with the fake you. But you have prooven that the fake one is not the real youand doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a Mark Humiston who cares. But I just thought you should know how I feel anyway. Like it makes any difference. You are dead to me.
Signed,
Chelsea Nicole Malmstrom
Ps. That is the least you could do. Just write me one mother fucking letter. I deffinatly need some closure this time.
I could have easily went on and on, but I ran out of room on the paper. I've been singing that Alainis Morrisette sone in my head all day. One or two lines jumped out at me (as corney as THAT sounds)
"And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it, well can you feel it?!... And everytime you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me 'til you die, 'til you die, BUDDY YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!..."
Well, that's all for now. I'm done.
Luv,
Chelsea
Written: Saturday, July 23, 2005 @11:20pm
Dear Mark,
I don't even know what to say to you. But I do need to say something. Because you said a lot of things to me. You came to me and literally begged me for one last chance. You told me I was the one. That you were done with games and you wanted to really truely settle down with me. You told me you wanted to marry me. You told me that you were with me the longest you have ever been with anyone. You told me that you fell in love with me faster and far more deeply than you ever had with anyone else. You wanted me to have your babies. You told me all this and it was something that I really did want to believe more than anything. Because I love you so much. And I really did want all of those things. Dreamed of these things. I would have given anything in the world up to spend one minute with you. You told me about how you were planning to stay at Linda's until you got the car you were expecting and when that happend you were in on that job with her grandfather and that first check would go all towards OUR apartment. We struck a deal to do anything that we could to get through this. You gave me your WORD that nothing would fuck us up.
But you know what they say. A man is only as good as his word. And your word is SHIT. You built me up so high and I let my heart take a chance in you. And in your word. Because I didn't want to believe that I fell in love with the wrong man. Or should I say BOY.
You told me that you wanted to come move in with me. That you missed me as much as I did you. I would always make sure that I was in my room at a decent hour just in case you showed up. And a few times you did. Especially recently. Keeping my hopes up even more.
And then earlier today Nick tells me that you were with Andrea last night. I go to confront you about it and you convince me otherwise. But then you didn't care when I told you how badly I needed you back for good. You didn't care what I told you Devon did. But you told me you'd come talk to me in a bit. And told me you loved me.
I felt a little better after that until I saw Jasmine and she told me more. That you had been actually dating her for the past two days. All over her in front of everyone. Telling her that you had given up on me. GIVEN UP?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, MARK?! What was there to give up on?! All the FUCK you had to do was come move in with me and say the word that we're back together!! I was doing all I could to fucking hold onto you! I got my job back and into the B. Rooms to be off the streets and try to save for us. To stay close to you. Left you notes on my doorto tell you where I'd be hoping that you'd find me if you looked. Tried to help you in any way I knew how. Been faithful to you.
I saw you on your bike while I was talking to Jasmine and before she said anything you said "What that I'm going out with Andrea? I thought you knew that." Like it was no big deal. That is was old news. Like I wouldn't care.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Do you have any idea how much you fucking killed me?! You fucking said you were done with all the games and all the bullshit, well guess what. I AM DONE WITH ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR SORRY UNGRATEFUL GOOD FOR NOTHING ASS! I NEVER ever want to see you or anything having to do with you ever again! I hope you fucking rot in HELL! I never knew you could hate someone this much. It has to be because I love you. And you smashed my heart and my whole being worse and more violently than you or anyone else has even thought of doing before.
And you don't even care. You showed that. Everything. Everything you ever told me was a lie. WASN'T IT?! I didn't want to believe it. But it's true. Do you know what that means, Mark? The TRUTH? You know like the things that I say to you? Real? Not fake? Not decieving? The opposite of lying? See how that works?
You don't want to settle down do you? You never will. You are NOT CAPABLE of it. You are not capable of being with ONE person and ONLY one person. You think you're going to do it with Andrea? No way. Because you are a whore. You are a slut. You fuck with people and fuck with people until there is nothing left to fuck with. Let me tell you something. You made a huge mistake this time. If you ever really did want that with someone. Well guess what. I won't be there to crawl back to.
I thought I saw something in you. But it must have been my immagination. Someday, Mark. Someday someone will do what you did to me to you. Someday. If you ever do start trying with someone they're going to do the same to you. And you'll feel what I feel. You deserve to.
The necklace that you SCRATCH THAT I bought? IT'S IN THE OCEAN. Made sure it was deep enough and put a heavy keychain on it so it would sink fast and hard like I did. And so NO ONE would EVER find it. The sweatshirt I'm keeping until I'm good and ready. I haven't decided if I want to sell it... you don't deserve it back. You seem to care about that. A possesion. Maybe if you lose it you'll realize something. But you do still have almost all of my clothes and things up at Linda's... maybe I'll just hold it ransom. No fuck it, I'll most likely have my stuff before you read this anyways. You are going to have to do something big to get it back. If you really care about it. But it's a POSSESION. One thing you do care about. Like I was your possesion. THAT'S how you thought of me, wasn't it?
Not anymore, and never again. That was your last chance so don't even think about it. AFTER I get a response letter or whatever to this, don't call me, write me, talk to me, or come near me ever again. I'm not yours anymore so don't even try getting pissed at anyone I hang out with. You can't control me anymore. Write back to this and that's it. Like we agreed before. If I can't have you then I can't know that you are alive because it hurts too much.
I will always be in love with the fake you. But you have prooven that the fake one is not the real youand doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a Mark Humiston who cares. But I just thought you should know how I feel anyway. Like it makes any difference. You are dead to me.
Signed,
Chelsea Nicole Malmstrom
Ps. That is the least you could do. Just write me one mother fucking letter. I deffinatly need some closure this time.
I could have easily went on and on, but I ran out of room on the paper. I've been singing that Alainis Morrisette sone in my head all day. One or two lines jumped out at me (as corney as THAT sounds)
"And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it, well can you feel it?!... And everytime you speak her name does she know how you told me you'd hold me 'til you die, 'til you die, BUDDY YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!..."
Well, that's all for now. I'm done.
Luv,
Chelsea