Love is an obsessional neuroses

[cinyc]

When I was a freshman in high school I became obsessed with studying WWII. Over time it became the perfect education on humanity in that I came to hate humanity. If someone had dropped a button in front of me to blow the world up and everyone with it, I would have done so with minimal hesitation. But as I continued to study I found a few redeeming qualities in humanity that made me think we were worth preserving afterall. I was inspired by man's quest for knowledge and wisdom and this little thing love, which I barely understood. In time this became my quest, my purpose for being here. Love in particular inspired me by the notion of giving yourself to someone else, a pledge of honor and fealty. A companion in life to share all the beautiful moments with and someone to wrap your arms around when tragedy and misery were around.

Over time my beliefs, once so strong, have been chipped away little by little. All this knowledge and nothing to ever be done with it. Each amazing relationship with a wonderful woman, fizzled or left me disgusted with their true character. I have come to find myself with nothing left to believe in. No quest left to fight for and no goal to strive towards. And everything I can think to fill that void with is horribly lacking or a mental illusion.

I feel like an ant that has been given no commands by the Queen and so I pace in circles until I run out of energy and collapse.

Worst birthday ever.