"There are many things I would like to say to you but I don't know how..."
It's been a long time since I cried... but I came dangerously close tonight.
Mike randomly calls me. I'm on the phone with Geoff *who I adore by the way*, so I hit ignore.
He calls back. So, I click over.
"Hello?"
~~"What's up?"
"Nothin. What are you doin?"
~~"Shit, chillin."
"Ok..."
~~"What are you doin?"
"I'm on the other line."
~~"Oh my bad. I was gonna leave a message but my phone cut out so I was callin back. I just had to tell you something so you can just call me back."
"What?"
~~"I just had to tell you something before you hear it from someone else and kill me."
"What are you talking about? Tell me."
~~"I'm gonna be a daddy."
My heart drops. First thought: That was supposed to be me. Second thought: Pure rage. I fucking hate this guy.
"I gotta go."
Tell me why of everyone in his life.... I'm one of the first people he told. His parents don't even know. He's only known a matter of hours... Why call me?!
Don't take my initial reaction the wrong way.... in no way do I want him back or wish that it was me carrying his child. It's just another smack in the face I guess. Apparently, I'm still healing and wasn't prepared to deal with that yet.
I want so bad to give Geoff all of me. And as much as I think I'm ready, that lil episode shows me that I'm not yet. How is it fair for me to almost be brought to tears over Mike having a baby with another girl, then click over to where Geoff patiently awaits my return and act as if nothing just happend. Granted... it wasn't like that. I mean, I told him what Mike said and Geoff knew I was upset... He's so understanding. I'm glad we're taking things so slowly.
As much as I don't want to and hate to admit it, I will always love Mike. I want to be done. I mean, in a sense I AM done. I'm just not done hurting.... it's like every once in awhile I'll get a lil pang of reality reminding me that I wasted 3 years. Ugh.... all that fucking work and i have NOTHING to show for it. Nothing. Except an engagement ring that my mom and i payed for. I finally decided for sure that I'm gonna sell it. The ring itself is a lil banged up from me wearing it to work and stuff, but the diamond is still in perfect condition and actually worth $1900. Not that I'll ever get that much for it... Whatever. I've got all the certifications for it and paperwork showing what it's worth so I won't allow anyone to screw me over.
*sigh* this wasn't supposed to be long.... just had to vent a bit. I can't wait to get out to San Diego. Geoff and I are gonna have so much freakin fun.... :o) He makes me smile.
Mike randomly calls me. I'm on the phone with Geoff *who I adore by the way*, so I hit ignore.
He calls back. So, I click over.
"Hello?"
~~"What's up?"
"Nothin. What are you doin?"
~~"Shit, chillin."
"Ok..."
~~"What are you doin?"
"I'm on the other line."
~~"Oh my bad. I was gonna leave a message but my phone cut out so I was callin back. I just had to tell you something so you can just call me back."
"What?"
~~"I just had to tell you something before you hear it from someone else and kill me."
"What are you talking about? Tell me."
~~"I'm gonna be a daddy."
My heart drops. First thought: That was supposed to be me. Second thought: Pure rage. I fucking hate this guy.
"I gotta go."
Tell me why of everyone in his life.... I'm one of the first people he told. His parents don't even know. He's only known a matter of hours... Why call me?!
Don't take my initial reaction the wrong way.... in no way do I want him back or wish that it was me carrying his child. It's just another smack in the face I guess. Apparently, I'm still healing and wasn't prepared to deal with that yet.
I want so bad to give Geoff all of me. And as much as I think I'm ready, that lil episode shows me that I'm not yet. How is it fair for me to almost be brought to tears over Mike having a baby with another girl, then click over to where Geoff patiently awaits my return and act as if nothing just happend. Granted... it wasn't like that. I mean, I told him what Mike said and Geoff knew I was upset... He's so understanding. I'm glad we're taking things so slowly.
As much as I don't want to and hate to admit it, I will always love Mike. I want to be done. I mean, in a sense I AM done. I'm just not done hurting.... it's like every once in awhile I'll get a lil pang of reality reminding me that I wasted 3 years. Ugh.... all that fucking work and i have NOTHING to show for it. Nothing. Except an engagement ring that my mom and i payed for. I finally decided for sure that I'm gonna sell it. The ring itself is a lil banged up from me wearing it to work and stuff, but the diamond is still in perfect condition and actually worth $1900. Not that I'll ever get that much for it... Whatever. I've got all the certifications for it and paperwork showing what it's worth so I won't allow anyone to screw me over.
*sigh* this wasn't supposed to be long.... just had to vent a bit. I can't wait to get out to San Diego. Geoff and I are gonna have so much freakin fun.... :o) He makes me smile.