Reality's a bitch... especially when she sneaks up on you
*~*Quote of the Day*~* I told him I was afraid of falling.... and he whispered, "But, I have wings..." <~~~~ just recently discovered that one and absolutely fell in love with it.
Ok, so the verdict about what my prayer request was about is still out so.... I'll keep everyone posted.
So, for those of you who remember me talking about X.... I wrote him off about a week ago. He really pissed me off. I mean, we weren't together by a long shot or anything like that.... but he kept sayin shit like he actually cared about me. Ok, re-cap.... X was my manager at Carino's... he quit. Mike and I break up. Always had a crush on X. X calls me at work one night, and we've been talkin ever since. I'd say that was almost a year ago.... few months shy. Anyways, he wants a fuck buddy and for whatever reason, I'm game. Then, I start fallin for him so I push him away. He comes back. I tell him how I feel, he convices me I'm not just a fuck to him and we hook up some more. At this point, I realize he's just tellin me what he thinks I wanna hear, and I've frozen my feelings for him. *Don't ask me how I did it, but I did.* Then I get drunk and screw Lance. Not a good move, I'm sure... but whatever. It happened. I tell X for two reasons. One, we're supposed to be only screwing each other so I figure it's only fair. Two, I really liked Lance and thought he liked me too... so I wanted to see where, if anywhere, it would lead. So, I tell X I want to pursue things with Lance. He gets a light shade of shitty, but says he'd hate to keep me from something more with Lance. He then proceeds to say goodbye to me as if we'll never talk again. I'm like, ok....??? wtf? He says we probably shouldn't talk because it'd probably cause problems between me and Lance if we ever actually got together. Whatever dude. Yet, he continues to randomly IM me just about every day after that. He ends up tellin me that I "have to give him time, because he's been hurt" and that he "DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE ME". Ok... About a week later I found out Lance played my ass lol he had a girl all along who he's "kinda serious with". Figures. But I'm not mad... it's all good. A lil salty, but whatever. So, I tell X what happened one day in conversation.... now he starts actin all sweet. At this point, yea I care about X but at the same time I don't want anything from him really... I'm now at a point where I don't want anything from anyone. Well, I go away, come back and have a few messages like "miss you baby" and "can't wait to see you" as opposed to when he used to say "i wanna fuck"..... SO i'm actually thinkin he cares about me. WRONG. He's been messin with some other girl for awhile.... Ok, now before this shit gets twisted. I don't care that he was messin with someone.... I don't even care that he played me. I care that he was bullshittin me the whole time! I was ALWAYS straight up with him and LOVED the fact that he was straight up too... or so I thought. lol ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS FOR PEOPLE TO BE REAL... friends, boyfriends, whatever. lol so yea... that's all there was to say about that.
Bout to lay down and watch south park until i pass out. I have a shit load of reading I need to do but I am also exhausted and have a killer headache. oh yea I just remembered another rant i needed to go on... lol
I was fillin out some thing on myspace and it asked what my happiest moment in life was... Well, it was almost two years ago exactly. It was when Mike got out of prison. That kinda makes us both sound like losers... But that was honest to God the happiest I think I've ever been at one moment in time in my entire life. What sucks about that? Well, for one.... I'll never have that with him again. Two, it was two years ago.... that means so far, that was my peak. I know I'll have other moments that reach the same height or exceed that moment.... I'm just sayin.... think of it as a line graph.... ever since then, my line has been going down. Well, it's raising now. Higher and higher every day... but it hasn't reached that point. I text Mike when I realized this... "Hey, what has been your happiest moment in life? Like, if you had to choose?" "when i came home to you.... you?" " that's mine too..."
We shared the happiest moment of our life together.... and now that person is no one I could see myself with.... but when I look back, sometimes I'd like to go back... does that make any sense? I guess it doesn't have to... I love him. I will never stop. If anyone ever showed me love in the truest sense, it was him and our relationship. I hope that whenever I fall in love again, it has all the same wonderful qualties that my relationship with Mike had.... and the bad ones won't be there simply because I, for one, am more mature.
I miss love. But at the same time, I don't want it. This is about to get into something I don't even wanna open up... I'll stop here and finish in my real diary. lol I'm sparing you. night
Ok, so the verdict about what my prayer request was about is still out so.... I'll keep everyone posted.
So, for those of you who remember me talking about X.... I wrote him off about a week ago. He really pissed me off. I mean, we weren't together by a long shot or anything like that.... but he kept sayin shit like he actually cared about me. Ok, re-cap.... X was my manager at Carino's... he quit. Mike and I break up. Always had a crush on X. X calls me at work one night, and we've been talkin ever since. I'd say that was almost a year ago.... few months shy. Anyways, he wants a fuck buddy and for whatever reason, I'm game. Then, I start fallin for him so I push him away. He comes back. I tell him how I feel, he convices me I'm not just a fuck to him and we hook up some more. At this point, I realize he's just tellin me what he thinks I wanna hear, and I've frozen my feelings for him. *Don't ask me how I did it, but I did.* Then I get drunk and screw Lance. Not a good move, I'm sure... but whatever. It happened. I tell X for two reasons. One, we're supposed to be only screwing each other so I figure it's only fair. Two, I really liked Lance and thought he liked me too... so I wanted to see where, if anywhere, it would lead. So, I tell X I want to pursue things with Lance. He gets a light shade of shitty, but says he'd hate to keep me from something more with Lance. He then proceeds to say goodbye to me as if we'll never talk again. I'm like, ok....??? wtf? He says we probably shouldn't talk because it'd probably cause problems between me and Lance if we ever actually got together. Whatever dude. Yet, he continues to randomly IM me just about every day after that. He ends up tellin me that I "have to give him time, because he's been hurt" and that he "DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE ME". Ok... About a week later I found out Lance played my ass lol he had a girl all along who he's "kinda serious with". Figures. But I'm not mad... it's all good. A lil salty, but whatever. So, I tell X what happened one day in conversation.... now he starts actin all sweet. At this point, yea I care about X but at the same time I don't want anything from him really... I'm now at a point where I don't want anything from anyone. Well, I go away, come back and have a few messages like "miss you baby" and "can't wait to see you" as opposed to when he used to say "i wanna fuck"..... SO i'm actually thinkin he cares about me. WRONG. He's been messin with some other girl for awhile.... Ok, now before this shit gets twisted. I don't care that he was messin with someone.... I don't even care that he played me. I care that he was bullshittin me the whole time! I was ALWAYS straight up with him and LOVED the fact that he was straight up too... or so I thought. lol ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS FOR PEOPLE TO BE REAL... friends, boyfriends, whatever. lol so yea... that's all there was to say about that.
Bout to lay down and watch south park until i pass out. I have a shit load of reading I need to do but I am also exhausted and have a killer headache. oh yea I just remembered another rant i needed to go on... lol
I was fillin out some thing on myspace and it asked what my happiest moment in life was... Well, it was almost two years ago exactly. It was when Mike got out of prison. That kinda makes us both sound like losers... But that was honest to God the happiest I think I've ever been at one moment in time in my entire life. What sucks about that? Well, for one.... I'll never have that with him again. Two, it was two years ago.... that means so far, that was my peak. I know I'll have other moments that reach the same height or exceed that moment.... I'm just sayin.... think of it as a line graph.... ever since then, my line has been going down. Well, it's raising now. Higher and higher every day... but it hasn't reached that point. I text Mike when I realized this... "Hey, what has been your happiest moment in life? Like, if you had to choose?" "when i came home to you.... you?" " that's mine too..."
We shared the happiest moment of our life together.... and now that person is no one I could see myself with.... but when I look back, sometimes I'd like to go back... does that make any sense? I guess it doesn't have to... I love him. I will never stop. If anyone ever showed me love in the truest sense, it was him and our relationship. I hope that whenever I fall in love again, it has all the same wonderful qualties that my relationship with Mike had.... and the bad ones won't be there simply because I, for one, am more mature.
I miss love. But at the same time, I don't want it. This is about to get into something I don't even wanna open up... I'll stop here and finish in my real diary. lol I'm sparing you. night