Fic: Save Me From Myself
Title: Save Me From Myself
Rating: R
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: None, but there are brief mentions of Sam/Jess, Sam/Sarah, Sam/Madison, and Dean/Cassie
Words: 1,536 *gasp*
Warnings: Heart spoilers, ANGST, angst, and oh...did I mention angst?
Summary: It wasn't that Sam was cursed, he just had too much heart for the things they had to face. He always had too much heart.
DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for underage readers. Please observe the ratings, warnings, and age of legal consent for your country.
A/N: This takes place RIGHT after the Heart episode. Well...actually it quickly recaps the end before continuing it. I REALLY like how this came out. Not as much as the one I wrote in my head and promptly forget, but I still love it a lot more than some of my other things. I'm also madly in love with the fact that I unintentionally tied in the name of the episode (see summary) and that I tied in my thought from Madison saying "save me" (i.e. the title and a bit of the fic). Mostly I'm just glad that I'm writing again, writing things I enjoy and are pleased with, and that I can finally knock something off my to-do list.
"Just wait here..."
The words rang out in Dean's mind, punctuated by the pained look and tear-stained cheeks that took a final glance back at him before taking that deep breath and walking off to the inevitable conclusion. Dean remained a good little soldier that he always was, fighting desperately to hold his emotions in as his lips twitched from the pure force of pain threatening to spill over the walls he'd put up.
Sammy meant the world to him, and what Sam couldn't bear, Dean couldn't either. He couldn't handle seeing the things this life had put Sam through, the things that the yellow-eyed demon painfully promised for Sam's future, the tears that filled Sam's eyes for every person he couldn't save or had to watch pass from his life.
And just like that, a silent tear rolled down his cheek for all the things he couldn't protect Sam from, for all the pain he couldn't feel in his place.
Dean jerked as the sound of the gun reverberated off the walls, echoing through Madison's apartment. And he waited...shoulders tense and muscles taut like piano wire. All he could do was stare into the next room waiting for Sam to fill that empty space.
For a moment, Dean couldn't be sure if time had stopped as he held onto a stale breath. The echo of the gun had long died down and his brother's damp eyes were still lost to his view. But Dean didn't dare move, didn't dare go against Sam's wishes. All he could do was wait as promised.
In what seemed like years, months, even days, wisps of soft brown hair came into view. Sam's head was hung low and he stepped into the kitchen doorway. But he neither lifted his head, nor turned to face Dean as his face showed every line of age and his body showed the fatigue of emotions crashing through his veins.
"I couldn't stay with her. I couldn't say goodbye."
It was then that Dean realized that what had seemed ages to him had really only been seconds, mere minutes at the most. And he couldn't even imagine how slowly it must have passed for Sam.
Dean let the tension roll off his shoulder, just enough to convince his body to move. Dad would have never allowed them to fully drop their guard, no matter the consequences. He stepped forward, reaching out tentatively to grasp Sam's shoulders and pull him closer, facing each other.
"She would have understood."
Dean swallowed the thick lump in his throat, waiting for Sam to look up and hoping the sentiment would even mean a thing, especially coming from the one that wanted to shoot first and ask questions later. Sam's face rose, streaked and puffy. His eyes were dark and bloodshot and it stung just that much more to see what Dean had already known.
"Sam, she knew what she was asking for. She knew what it meant. And she knew what she meant to you. She asked you to save her. To save her from herself and from all the pain she would have caused."
Sam didn't speak, choking on a sob willing its way into his throat. He closed his eyes and Dean slid his hands to Sam's cheeks, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.
"How can you be sure, Dean?"
The words were soft, childlike, almost lost among the bare silence of the room.
"Because once you asked me for the same thing..."
Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, but damn it if Dean was going to take it back. It had to be said, and if he didn't say it, admit to it, Sam would surely bring it up later. He always did. One thing about their family was knowing how to hold a grudge, even if it became their entire lives.
"But you wouldn't do it, Dean. No matter how many times I asked, begged, pleaded with you to get it over with, you wouldn't do it."
"Because I don't believe you could do those things, Sam. I can't believe it."
"You can't save everyone, Dean. Even you said it. I couldn't even save Madison. You should've just let me go."
"I'm a bastard, Sammy, a selfish, undeserving bastard that can't imagine a life without the only family I have left. I'd sooner die than let anyone or anything take you away from me."
Sam took another deep breath, pushing Dean's hands from his face as he nodded helplessly. His own hands rose, covering his face, wiping the salt from his skin as his long fingers dipped into his hairline.
"Sam..."
It was long and drawn out and Dean hated to say it, but it had to be said.
"...we need to go."
Sam nodded again. They both knew it. The blast from the gun wasn't at all quiet and someone was bound to notice. It wouldn't be long before the apartment would be crawling with people trying to figure out what happened.
"Say your goodbyes while you still can, I'll wipe down our prints. Then we're out of here."
Dean didn't move. He waited for Sam to turn, to take those bitter steps back into the other room. As much as it would hurt Sam to go back there, Dean knew he needed it, knew he'd regret it if he didn't. And as Sam disappeared past the wall again, Dean finally let himself move, getting around the apartment as quickly as possible to remove any sign that they'd been there. Even going so far as to grab the sheets with full intention to burn them; so much for Sammy finally letting up.
They drove off in silence, Dean stopping only once at their motel to toss their bags in the trunk before hitting the highway once more. He didn't stop until they were ten hours and never enough miles away from the city, away from Madison, though thoughts of her were sure to continue to haunt them, to break Sam.
Dean knew this wasn't the first death that Sam would blame himself for, he'd never be able to get over the guilt of Mom and Jess, no matter how much influence the yellow-eyed bastard had in that play of cards. And Dean hated to think it, but he had a feeling this wouldn't be the last either. Whether the yellow-eyed demon had any role in Madison's death or not, it was a hazard of their life, their job; it wasn't that Sam was cursed, he just had too much heart for the things they had to face. He always had too much heart.
Pulling in to nearly empty motel parking lot in the middle of the night, Dean looked over at Sam. They hadn't said a word, just lost in their own thoughts, fears, and bitter games of "what if?" The neon glow of the Vacant sign played on their worn faces, etching their unspoken worries even deeper.
Dean turned the key, tossing them into his pocket as he grabbed the door knob and stepped out the car. The echoing creak of the passenger door made him stop for just a moment as he sighed softly with a hesitant relief. It was a start. And it was all either of them could ask for right now.
A restless night, an early morning, a cup or five of coffee and they'd be back on the road in search of the next job. There was always another job, no matter what the aches of the heart. They'd learned that much from dad. Maybe, just maybe, they'd take a detour, stop somewhere quiet and let the walls down, let everything out. But it wasn't likely, not yet at least. Maybe they'd stop to see Bobby, maybe the Roadhouse. But even that would take a while.
Maybe it would just be better to take that next job, get lost in the work. Everyone was liable to hear round the mill soon enough anyway, and Sam didn't need to face it all so soon.
But Sam definitely wasn't Dean.
"You're the only one..."
The sound was soft, drifting through the dark room, only dimly lit from the lights outside. Dean didn't say a word, but they both knew neither of them were sleeping, let alone even planning to.
"Everyone I love, everyone I care about...they all leave. Mom, Jess, Dad, and now Madison too."
"What about that other girl...Sarah?"
"I never even gave her the chance. Too scared of what might happen...and not at all paranoid on my part apparently."
"But you can't blame yourself, Sam. You don't see me latching on to anyone either. Cassie wasn't just another notch on the bedpost, but she ain't exactly by my side either."
"You're the only one that's always there. Always coming back from the dead. Always coming after me when I disappear."
"You're all I've got, Sam. I can't let that go."
"I know, Dean."
"Get some sleep, Sammy. Early start..."
No other sound passed between them that night save for the sound of crickets and flickering neon signs. Neither slept. This wasn't the beginning, this wasn't the end, and tomorrow wouldn't be another day in paradise.
Rating: R
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: None, but there are brief mentions of Sam/Jess, Sam/Sarah, Sam/Madison, and Dean/Cassie
Words: 1,536 *gasp*
Warnings: Heart spoilers, ANGST, angst, and oh...did I mention angst?
Summary: It wasn't that Sam was cursed, he just had too much heart for the things they had to face. He always had too much heart.
DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for underage readers. Please observe the ratings, warnings, and age of legal consent for your country.
A/N: This takes place RIGHT after the Heart episode. Well...actually it quickly recaps the end before continuing it. I REALLY like how this came out. Not as much as the one I wrote in my head and promptly forget, but I still love it a lot more than some of my other things. I'm also madly in love with the fact that I unintentionally tied in the name of the episode (see summary) and that I tied in my thought from Madison saying "save me" (i.e. the title and a bit of the fic). Mostly I'm just glad that I'm writing again, writing things I enjoy and are pleased with, and that I can finally knock something off my to-do list.
"Just wait here..."
The words rang out in Dean's mind, punctuated by the pained look and tear-stained cheeks that took a final glance back at him before taking that deep breath and walking off to the inevitable conclusion. Dean remained a good little soldier that he always was, fighting desperately to hold his emotions in as his lips twitched from the pure force of pain threatening to spill over the walls he'd put up.
Sammy meant the world to him, and what Sam couldn't bear, Dean couldn't either. He couldn't handle seeing the things this life had put Sam through, the things that the yellow-eyed demon painfully promised for Sam's future, the tears that filled Sam's eyes for every person he couldn't save or had to watch pass from his life.
And just like that, a silent tear rolled down his cheek for all the things he couldn't protect Sam from, for all the pain he couldn't feel in his place.
Dean jerked as the sound of the gun reverberated off the walls, echoing through Madison's apartment. And he waited...shoulders tense and muscles taut like piano wire. All he could do was stare into the next room waiting for Sam to fill that empty space.
For a moment, Dean couldn't be sure if time had stopped as he held onto a stale breath. The echo of the gun had long died down and his brother's damp eyes were still lost to his view. But Dean didn't dare move, didn't dare go against Sam's wishes. All he could do was wait as promised.
In what seemed like years, months, even days, wisps of soft brown hair came into view. Sam's head was hung low and he stepped into the kitchen doorway. But he neither lifted his head, nor turned to face Dean as his face showed every line of age and his body showed the fatigue of emotions crashing through his veins.
"I couldn't stay with her. I couldn't say goodbye."
It was then that Dean realized that what had seemed ages to him had really only been seconds, mere minutes at the most. And he couldn't even imagine how slowly it must have passed for Sam.
Dean let the tension roll off his shoulder, just enough to convince his body to move. Dad would have never allowed them to fully drop their guard, no matter the consequences. He stepped forward, reaching out tentatively to grasp Sam's shoulders and pull him closer, facing each other.
"She would have understood."
Dean swallowed the thick lump in his throat, waiting for Sam to look up and hoping the sentiment would even mean a thing, especially coming from the one that wanted to shoot first and ask questions later. Sam's face rose, streaked and puffy. His eyes were dark and bloodshot and it stung just that much more to see what Dean had already known.
"Sam, she knew what she was asking for. She knew what it meant. And she knew what she meant to you. She asked you to save her. To save her from herself and from all the pain she would have caused."
Sam didn't speak, choking on a sob willing its way into his throat. He closed his eyes and Dean slid his hands to Sam's cheeks, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.
"How can you be sure, Dean?"
The words were soft, childlike, almost lost among the bare silence of the room.
"Because once you asked me for the same thing..."
Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, but damn it if Dean was going to take it back. It had to be said, and if he didn't say it, admit to it, Sam would surely bring it up later. He always did. One thing about their family was knowing how to hold a grudge, even if it became their entire lives.
"But you wouldn't do it, Dean. No matter how many times I asked, begged, pleaded with you to get it over with, you wouldn't do it."
"Because I don't believe you could do those things, Sam. I can't believe it."
"You can't save everyone, Dean. Even you said it. I couldn't even save Madison. You should've just let me go."
"I'm a bastard, Sammy, a selfish, undeserving bastard that can't imagine a life without the only family I have left. I'd sooner die than let anyone or anything take you away from me."
Sam took another deep breath, pushing Dean's hands from his face as he nodded helplessly. His own hands rose, covering his face, wiping the salt from his skin as his long fingers dipped into his hairline.
"Sam..."
It was long and drawn out and Dean hated to say it, but it had to be said.
"...we need to go."
Sam nodded again. They both knew it. The blast from the gun wasn't at all quiet and someone was bound to notice. It wouldn't be long before the apartment would be crawling with people trying to figure out what happened.
"Say your goodbyes while you still can, I'll wipe down our prints. Then we're out of here."
Dean didn't move. He waited for Sam to turn, to take those bitter steps back into the other room. As much as it would hurt Sam to go back there, Dean knew he needed it, knew he'd regret it if he didn't. And as Sam disappeared past the wall again, Dean finally let himself move, getting around the apartment as quickly as possible to remove any sign that they'd been there. Even going so far as to grab the sheets with full intention to burn them; so much for Sammy finally letting up.
They drove off in silence, Dean stopping only once at their motel to toss their bags in the trunk before hitting the highway once more. He didn't stop until they were ten hours and never enough miles away from the city, away from Madison, though thoughts of her were sure to continue to haunt them, to break Sam.
Dean knew this wasn't the first death that Sam would blame himself for, he'd never be able to get over the guilt of Mom and Jess, no matter how much influence the yellow-eyed bastard had in that play of cards. And Dean hated to think it, but he had a feeling this wouldn't be the last either. Whether the yellow-eyed demon had any role in Madison's death or not, it was a hazard of their life, their job; it wasn't that Sam was cursed, he just had too much heart for the things they had to face. He always had too much heart.
Pulling in to nearly empty motel parking lot in the middle of the night, Dean looked over at Sam. They hadn't said a word, just lost in their own thoughts, fears, and bitter games of "what if?" The neon glow of the Vacant sign played on their worn faces, etching their unspoken worries even deeper.
Dean turned the key, tossing them into his pocket as he grabbed the door knob and stepped out the car. The echoing creak of the passenger door made him stop for just a moment as he sighed softly with a hesitant relief. It was a start. And it was all either of them could ask for right now.
A restless night, an early morning, a cup or five of coffee and they'd be back on the road in search of the next job. There was always another job, no matter what the aches of the heart. They'd learned that much from dad. Maybe, just maybe, they'd take a detour, stop somewhere quiet and let the walls down, let everything out. But it wasn't likely, not yet at least. Maybe they'd stop to see Bobby, maybe the Roadhouse. But even that would take a while.
Maybe it would just be better to take that next job, get lost in the work. Everyone was liable to hear round the mill soon enough anyway, and Sam didn't need to face it all so soon.
But Sam definitely wasn't Dean.
"You're the only one..."
The sound was soft, drifting through the dark room, only dimly lit from the lights outside. Dean didn't say a word, but they both knew neither of them were sleeping, let alone even planning to.
"Everyone I love, everyone I care about...they all leave. Mom, Jess, Dad, and now Madison too."
"What about that other girl...Sarah?"
"I never even gave her the chance. Too scared of what might happen...and not at all paranoid on my part apparently."
"But you can't blame yourself, Sam. You don't see me latching on to anyone either. Cassie wasn't just another notch on the bedpost, but she ain't exactly by my side either."
"You're the only one that's always there. Always coming back from the dead. Always coming after me when I disappear."
"You're all I've got, Sam. I can't let that go."
"I know, Dean."
"Get some sleep, Sammy. Early start..."
No other sound passed between them that night save for the sound of crickets and flickering neon signs. Neither slept. This wasn't the beginning, this wasn't the end, and tomorrow wouldn't be another day in paradise.